LEAK NEARLY CANCELS ACADEMY FOOTBALL GAMES
ANNAPOLIS, Maryland (TMZ)…Oops, he did it again. Mere months following his earlier faux pas, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth unintentionally broadcast plans to invade Greenland in a group chat. Inexplicably, that information was received by officials at all three military academies, whose gridiron athletes doffed their pads and cleats in lieu of ski boots, snowshoes and winter camouflage uniforms. Contests for Army, Navy and Air Force were initially postponed as commanders at the schools mistakenly interpreted the information to mean the students were being deployed. Locally, the Middies football team set aside practices and conducted joint exercises with players from nearby Virginia Military Institute, coincidentally Navy’s season-opening opponent, to take on enemy ice-breakers. Eventually, it was confirmed that the sensitive data was not meant for the schools and teams resumed their usual preparations. Elsewhere, chaos ensued when editors of Reader’s Digest, Sports Illustrated and Cosmopolitan magazines were included in the faulty distribution list.
Following an offseason scouring parking lots and sandy beaches for lost or discarded pennies and paper straws, cameos on “Love & Hip-Drop Green Bay” and “Love After Lock-Down Corner” between piloting a rowboat across the Gulf of the American Athletic Conference and showing off his Lululemon pants while landing a 4th Place finish in the Miss Maine pageant before crashing Jeff Bezos’ wedding pajama party in his Philadelphia Iggles jammies, Vin breaks da’ huddle, inside a certain Qatari luxury jet, with his 2025 Preseason Forecasting Strategy Team of Pete Carroll, the Right Reverend Mariann Edgar Budde, International Space Station extended-stay astronauts Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore, Blake Lively, Kendrick Lamar, dozens of transgender mice, a Minecraft “chicken jockey”, Lilo & Stitch, Andy Byron, Stephen Colbert, Galactus, an escaped Labubu doll, Angel Reese, Sydney Sweeney and Katherine Leavitt’s lips to offer...
THE WEBER KID’S 2025 WEEK 1 FORECAST
(Throwin’ out da’ bettor with da’ bathwater!)
FRI. AUG. 29
BAYLOR (+2) over Auburn: Breaking with tradition, we include analysis of a contest that includes two unranked teams, but it’s an intriguing match-up. Bears made Phil Steele’s “surprise teams” list at #8, bringing back ten guys from the offense that increased scoring by 11 ppg in ‘24. Tigers start with a real opponent after four straight season-openers featuring choices from the dessert bar. Aubie needs to go full-on Walmart and “rollback” the giveaways that hurt them last year (-9 on the way to a 2-10 SU campaign). A rare road chalk role for Auburn (especially considering four straight 7-loss seasons coming in) and Baylor’s second-leading rusher from last season has been lost for the duration with an injury. Nonetheless, we like...BU 34 War bEagle 24
SAT. AUG. 30
#1 Texas @ #3 OHIO STATE (“under 48”): Rematch of last season’s CFP semi-finals. Never before has a #1 ranked team actually gotten points in its first game (currently +2). That should provide some motivation for UT. Arch Manning in July was the favorite to hoist the Heisman and the Steers were the top choice to take the national championship. The downside to the playoff system is that it takes a lot of magnitude away from a game like this. The last team to start the year atop the AP Preseason Poll and go on to win it all was the Crimson Tide in 2017. With nary an FCS opponent on either schedule in 2024, Texas and Ohio State grudgingly permitted a piddly 15 and 13 ppg and both appear somewhat challenged on offense to begin ‘25. At no extra charge, we’re backin’ the side with revenge and a QB with famous genes and something to prove. Steers have not been kind to us the past two seasons (see our “Shoppe Talk” segment below), but we’ll take...Cattle 23 Nuts 19
#9 Louisiana State @ #4 CLEMSON (“over 57 ½”): At least one preseason source has Clemson quarterback Cade Klubnik christened as the overall first selection and going to da’ Browns in the 2026 NFL Draft. Interesting prediction given Cleveland’s acquisition of Dillon Gabriel and Shady...er...um...Shedeur Sanders in this year’s festivities to put four QBs on its roster already, not to mention the recent pick up (and subsequent release) of Tyler Huntley to make it five!. (now four with Kenny Pickett’s trade to da’ Raiders). Meanwhile, down on da’ bayou, Bengals haven’t kicked off the season with a dubya since six years ago when it shellacked Joja’ Sudden 55-3. State coughed up an average of 35.6 ppg over those five defeats. CU has dropped three of its last four to begin the year, albeit two of those came vs. Joja’. LSU HC Brian Kelly, earlier this month, said of QB Nussmeier’s knee problem “It’s not a serious injury. Guys are dealing with tendinitis virtually everyday in life.” Uhhhh Dr. Kelly...the team medical staff would like a word! State’s ground game vanished last year, taking scoring with it to the tune of 16 ppg drop. Weeziana has covered just 3 of previous 10 vs. the Top 25, so we’re hopin’ the Bengals’ senior-heavy offense can rebound to light enuff bulbs here...CU 38 LSU 27
#8 Alabama @ FLORIDA STATE (“under 50 ½”): Crimson Tyberius Kirk will be hampered on offense having lost dual-threat QB Jayden Milroe (who accounted for 62% of ‘Bama’s TDs last year) in the draft and leading rusher Jam Miller will sit until further notice after getting hurt recently. FSU trots out 8 of the same 10 guys responsible for caressing the scoreboard at a rate of 15.4 ppg (13 ppg disregarding 41 vs. I-AA Charleston Sudden), 20 ppg lower than 2023 and breaking 16 only twice. Elephants gave up just 17.4 ppg in 2024, including 34 to Joja’. ‘Noles faced just one comparable scoring defense last season...Notre Dame, which averaged 15.5 points-allowed...and managed a lone FG against it. We expect the visitors’ first non-DD straight-up win record in 17 years to light a fire, but not enuff to significantly win by more than the spread (currently -13 ½). Trusting the Tidy Whiteys D...Alabama 27 Chopped 13
SUN. AUG. 31
#10 MIAMI (+2 ½) over #6 Notre Dame: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. “Under 50” might be worth a peek as well. In fact, the total opened at 54 ½ and fell some. How do the Hurricanes handle the void left by QB Cam Ward, who lifted them outta’ da’ doldrums and accounted for 61% of their touchdowns last year while leading them to their first 10-win outing since 2017, subsequently garnering the first pick of the NFL Draft? Enter former Joja’ QB Carson Beck. While his stats weren’t quite as shiny, he was responsible for 55% of the ‘Dawgs’ TDs and brings SEC experience and toughness. Knowledge of Clemson doesn’t hurt either (UGA bested the Tigers 34-3 last year). Da’ U won all six games at Hard Rock Stadium in ‘24 and had three defeats by a total of 10 points. Our Lady ultimately finished as the maid-of-honor, losing the championship contest after dispatching the Alma Mater in the semis (In the words of South Park’s Eric Cartman, we say “Those bastards!”). Irish saw their QB, Riley Leonard, also go pro and are young in the secondary and on offense. Leprechauns covered 5 of 7 matches as road faves and went 10-2-1 in the last 13 opportunities lining up across from Top 25 foes...Pelicans 27 Shamrocks 19
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, a hotdog vendor at Michie Stadium was also inadvertently made privy to the plans and offered to provide hardcopies to the first 1500 fans through the gate to watch the Black Knights game on Friday.
As we note this time each year, from 1993-2008, at least two teams unranked in the AP preseason poll finished in the Top 10 in the final AP poll that same season. Since 2009, at least one club did so except 2011 and the year whose name will not be even so much as whispered ever again in which the pandemic started. 2012 saw a return-to-form, logging two or more qualifiers. In 2021, the Wolverines began at #32, obtaining 12 votes, but finished at #3 behind the two title contestants, ‘Joja’ and ‘Bama. Oklahoma State just missed starting the outing in the Top 25, coming in at #26 (107 votes). Meanwhile Baylor was nowhere on the radar. Da’ Bears ended up in the six-hole and State concluded the year one notch lower at #7 (“But wait! There’s more! [see below]). In ‘22, five (count ‘em, five!) clubs starting outside the rankings finished in the Terrific Ten...#2 TCU (no preseason ayes), #6 Tennessee (180 votes), the #7 Nifty Lions (160 votes) #8 Washington (zero preseason tallies) and #9 Tulane (also devoid of August endorsements). In 2023, the Mizzou Tigers opened with no recognition whatsoever, but ended up at #8, Honorable mention to Arizona, also gettin’ no preseason love, but just missing the target, closing in the #11 spot. Last year, the Sun Devils qualified with 0 tallies in the opening rankings, Boise State registered 47 ayes and Indiana got nada. The trips ended up as #7, #8, and #10, respectively.
Conversely, goin’ back to 2002, a minimum of one team in the AP Preseason Top Ten each season concluded the campaign outside da’ rankings in the final AP Poll fer that year. Last year, then-#9 Michigan finished with 36 votes and then-#10 Florida State culminated the year entirely devoid of a show of hands. Yer mission...should ya’ choose to accept it...is to figure-out who da’ 2025 posers are among Texas, Penn State, Ohio State, Clemson, Joja’, Notre Dame, Oregon, Alabama, LSU and Miami.
Despite Jordon Hudson costing the Tarheels being featured on this season’s “Hard Knocks” in May, she and Coach Bill Belichick got engaged two weeks later. The venerable 73-year-old coach dropped to a knee on the 50-yard line of Kenan Memorial Stadium, proposed, then needed assistance from his offensive line, which had to interrupt practice, to get back up. At the wedding chapel, will we hear “By the power invested in me by the North Carolina football team, you may now block, bench or dump Gatorade on the bride”??!! More on this next week.
On a serious note, Paul Finebaum had hurled accusations that Coaches’ Poll balloters tried to artificially manufacture the first-ever #1 vs. #2 season opener. Also, just a pair of squads in the past quarter century won the national title in the same season they topped the AP preseason poll. This year’s kiss-of-death goes to the Longhorns!
The Nifty Lions get the distinction of owning the largest spread on the board as 44-point chalk against Nevada-Reno. The original line was 45 ½ but went down a couple notches after not one, but two Penn State librarians were listed as unavailable for this one after incurring injuries during this week’s practice.
This week on the big screen...a summer blockbuster meets the transfer portal in “How to Trade Your Dragon”.
In February, the Yankees organization finally dispensed with the 49-year-old taboo against players wearing beards. Fans with field-box seats can watch as the Bronx Bombers file from the locker room into the dugout sporting goatees, soul patches and mutton chops! What about “Klingon beards” and facial Chia-Pets????!!! Does OPS stand for On-base Per Stubble percentage?!
While attending the FIFA Club World Cup championship trophy presentation in July, Donald Trump was caught attempting to covertly stash a winner’s medal into his pocket. The POTUS was shown a yellow card by a nearby referee, who advised him a second such violation would get him ejected from the ceremony and prohibit his participation in the next election!
In July, top WNBA draft pick and rookie guard for the Dallas Wings Paige Bueckers confirmed her relationship with UConn’s Azzi Fudd. We weren’t aware Elmer had a lesser-known granddaughter who plays college hoops!
To test its functionality, the stove that would signal results of papal voting during the conclave in May was moved by Vatican workers, cloaked in secrecy and under the cover of darkness, to an undisclosed Las Vegas sportsbook, where ticket-writers burned way-too-early copies of Vindy’s Picks!
Hooray fer Da’ Little Guy: Our best guesses on the FCS clubs that could take out their I-A opponents...THURS. #25 Stony Brook over SAN DIEGO STATE, #26 UT-Martin over OKLAHOMA STATE, SAT. #16 Abby Christian over TULSA, #28 SE Weeziana over WEEZIANA TECH, Austin Peay over MIDDLE TENNESSEE STATE and Bryant over NEW MEXICO STATE.
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Last Season: 8-7 (.533 before we pulled the plug on the Picks late last year)
Ye Olde Taxidermy Shoppe Talk: We’ll be watchin’ these pick-burners from last year, stuffing, wallpapering or making them part of our daily blue-plate lunch specials...Iowa State 0-6, .000 (0-7 back to ‘23), Texas 0-3, .000 (0-7 back to ‘23) and Kansas 0-4, .000 (0-6 back to ‘23).
Vindy’s Week 1 Best Bets: Last Season: 25-33 (.431, though we finished on a 6-1 run ahead of us throwin’ in the towel on the category)
SAM HOUSTON STATE +10 over Nevada-Las Vegas (Bonus Coverage fer da’ Sin City fans: Don’t be hatin’! New UNLV HC Dan Mullen, fresh off two seasons in the ESPN booth, has 13 years of SEC coaching experience, but won’t have the same caliber of players here (though a transfer from either Virginia and/or Michigan [with limited playing time] will be behind center). New DC Paul Guenther last coached five years ago (at the NFL level). Across the field, the Bearkats went 10-3 in their first full year in FBS competition, finishing as the runner-up in CUSA last season and come in with a live-fire tilt vs. I-A competition already under their belts having played Western Kentucky last week (Bearkats led 24-20 in the 3rd Quarter before losing by 17). Expect some regression from a Rebels squad that got within grenade range of a Group of Five berth in the playoffs. The line opened at 13 ½, but plummeted following a poor showing vs. I-AA Idaho State in which the Rebels conceded 555 yards offense and didn’t salt away the 38-31 victory until three minutes remained to play despite being +3 turnovers. Vegas, which won just one road game by more than 11 in 2024, gets the straight-up dubya but won’t cover double-digits), Northwestern @ TULANE “under 47”, Toledo @ KENTUCKY “over 48 ½”, Temple –2 ½ over UMASS
Next week...more off-season silliness and we welcome...the NFL!
