Vindy's Picks is a semi-serious, semi-tongue-in-cheek forecast of the weekly AP Top 25 college football teams against the Las Vegas pointspread. It's all in good fun and I apologize in advance to anyone taking offense...just trying to make it a bit entertaining. The "news stories" are, of course, bogus...but see what fun ya can have with current events!? It's just a hobby, I'm not a "professional" with a mystical mathematical formula to predict winners! Enjoy!
Tennessee (MSNBC)…Even before
the Titans’ latest loss, a last-second road-defeat on Sunday to a Washington
squad that had put just one of its previous six games in the win-column,
Tennessee fans ripped a page from the “Suck for (Andrew) Luck” ploy by the 2011
Miami Dolphins, encouraging the local pro football franchise to lose on-purpose to acquire the 2015 NFL
Draft’s initial selection and grab Oregon’s Marcus Mariota with the first pick…implementing
a call to ”Suck for the Duck”, with vendors already hawking Tennessee
apparelbearing the last name. However,
others believe there are additional options and have proposed “Take a Sack for
Dak (Prescott)” to get Mississippi State’s star QB, and for those wanting Texas
Christian’s man-under-center, Trevone Boykin, …”Implode for Da’ Toad”!
BTW, no truth to the rumor that winless Oakland and
one-win teams Tampa, New York and Jacksonville are planning to “Play Squirrely
Fer (Joja’ RB Todd) Gurley”!
Speakin’ of a certain woodland creature, over the summer, USA Today revealed Jameis Winston stared down the business-end of a
campus cop’s weapon in the wake of usin’ a pellet-gun to take pot-shots at
squirrels with ateammate on da’ school
grounds back in 2012. Great…squirrels, seafood….is the FSU wunderkind buckin’ for a gig on some Animal Planet show when his NFL career
tanks or what???!!!
The Kansas Jay-Walks finally lost a fumble this
weekend, leaving only UNLV (??!!!) as the only team to not do so thus far. The Rebels were, however, idle Saturday. No word as to whether or not the practice squad managed to recover one
vs. the starting O!
Our primary wagers went 3-1, with Rutgers (+19)
getting’ blasted by Ohio State and squandering an 8-point win by South Florida
(-1 ½ over TULSA). We cashed on Iowa State (+12 ½) over TEXAS, but weren’t
smart enough to lay 4 ½ with MARYLAND over Iowa, instead losing on an impulsive
Friday-night wager of Temple +8 ½ at HOUSTON. This week, we’re considering South
Florida +11 over CINCINNATI, Maryland +11 over WISCONSIN, UMass +16 over
TOLEDO, Weezianna Tech -10 over SOUTHERN MISSED and Nevada-Reno -3 over HAWAII.
Also on da’ radar…Texas-El Paso +10 over TEXAS-SAN ANTONIO, Texas +9 ½ over
KANSAS STATE and West Virginia-OKLAHOMA STATE “over” 63.
Regarding West Virginia’s upset of Baylor last weekend,
we do our best Bogie impersonation and say…“’Eers lookin’ at you, Kid.”
Thru Week 9, the Philadelphia Iggles haven’t donned
green jerseys because during the offseason, the team decided to take it up…if
we can quote Emeril Lagasse… “another notch”…
to Nike’s Elite 51 jerseys and “midnight
green” is apparently a specialized color that takes extra time to produce. Philly
won’t play at the Da’ Linc again until November 10. Maybe Chris Rock can
reprise his role as “Caretaker” in The
Longest Yard remake and provide some Mean
Machine duds until Nike comes through!
Next week…Garden State politics, drones and we welcome…the
LEADER SIGHTING GOOD NEWS FOR NCAA TEAM?
Texas (AP)…Until Tuesday, when he was spotted with
a walking stick, Kim Jong Un had not been seen in public since September 3rd.
Similarly AWOL have been the offenses of UConn, South Florida, Kent State
and…SMU, which is at the bottom of Division I-A in points-scored, totaling 36
in five games. Putting that in perspective, the next lowest totals belong to
I-AA Cornell (39 points, 0-4 in the Ivy League) and Austin Peay (40, 0-6, in
the Ohio Valley Conference cellar). In addition, the whereabouts of the
Mustangs’ D is still unknown, MIA
since the 2013 regular-season finale (a 17-13 loss to Central Florida). Local
fans believe the positive reemergence of the North Korean leader could likewise
portend good fortune for SMU’s offense, as the Pony Express and teammates this
week host Cincinnati, which has yielded an average of 41 points-per-game thus
far and almost 49 per game over its last three tilts. No truth the rumor that
Jong Un was overheard doing his best Gandalf-at-the-steps-of-Edoras
impersonation from Lord of the Rings: The
Two Towers, quipping, “Oh…you wouldn’t part an old man from his
walking-stick, would you?”
The Northwestern Wildcats will be sportin’ their new
“Gothic” unis vs. Nebraska this week. In related news, the Philadelphia Iggles
donned all-black duds to host the G-Men and pitched a 23-0 shutout. On that
note, we fully concur with N-Dub’s fashion-choice (and recommend a certain well-known
AC/DC tune be blasted over the PA system at Ryan Field!). BTW, after dropping a
tough game to Minnesota (see our betting results below), ‘Cats coach Pat
Fitzgerald said da’ Gophers’ offense “takes half the game away standing in the
huddle and talking about what they’re ordering for dinner.”. Interesting
comment, considering NW had nearly three more minutes in time-of-possession and
won most of the statistical categories. Apparently, the Gilded Gerbils, instead
of hashin’ out a nine-course meal, musta’ simply decided early on DiGiorno pizza!
For all their woes, the hometown-hero Rebels of UNLV
had not coughed-up a fumble (nor had Boston College, Mizzou or [GASP!] Kansas)
entering last Friday’s game vs. Fresno State.Still none for UNLV. Mizzou gave up one in the blow-out loss to Joja’! BC
also lost one while the Jayhawks put it on the ground three times, but recovered all of ‘em, leaving UNLV and Kansas as
the only two teams sans a lost-fumble???!!!
We sent up a signal-flare ahead of Tennessee’s tilt
vs. FCS Chattanooga and Vanderbilt’s contest against FCS Charleston Southern.
The Vols wasted little time putting away their opponent, but the CSU Buccaneers
pulled within a point of the Commodores early in the 4th Quarter and
Vandy held on over the final 10 minutes to escape with the 21-20 win.
If ya didn’t watch Auburn’s demise at Mississippi
State, War Beagle shot itself in the paw early-and-often with penalties in its 35-23
loss. And other mistakes like a missed 27-yard FG attempt didn’t help. But frankly,
the Bulldogs didn’t look all that stellar either, but made Auburn pay for
mistakes. Speaking of errors, UNLV coach Bobby Hauck got called out for
attempting a fake punt from his own side of the field while leading Fresno 17-0
early. MSU tried that too, up 21-0 on Auburn. Ultimately, both teams won their
games, but…Yikes! What were they thinking!
One of the CBS commentators noted the broadcast crew
had no rosters showing anyone for Auburn associated with uniform #91following
an ineligible-substitution flag thrown on a player sporting said-digits! Vindy
spies say the offending player was actually an MSU fan who found an unguarded
uniform, infiltrated the Tigers’ sidelines and waited for an opportune time to
run onto the field and draw the flag! Or maybe it was Jean-Claude Damme, who
once, while portraying a fire-marshal trying to save spectators and players at
a hockey arena from terrorists, slipped onto the ice dressed as a goalie and
stopped a shot during an NHL playoff game in “Sudden Death”!
Many of the home-fans at Davis Wade Stadium were
clad in “Stark Vegas” shirts. Doing some research, we discovered it’s
apparently not unusual for cities with names ending “ville” to swap that suffix
for “Vegas”, which reportedly makes it sound like the berg has more pizazz. Obvious
examples then would be KnoxVegas, LouisVegas and GainesVegas, but we’re
awaiting release of The AmityVegas Horror!
Congrats to Eastern Michigan for upsetting Buffalo
as a two-touchdown underdog and equaling its number of SU wins in each of the
past two seasons. EMU has bested Western
Michigan three straight years and the Broncos show up later on the schedule.
The Eagles went 2-9 ATS (vs. Division I-A teams) in 2013. By our numbers, the
Y-Town Birds are currently 2-2-1 against the line.
Our betting efforts
were fruitless last week after Northwestern (+4) yielded a 100-yard kickoff
return for TD immediately after tying Minnesota at 17-17 mid-4th Quarter,
losing by 7 and wasting a nice cover by Louisville (+9 ½) at Clemson later that
day. Likewise, Air Force (+7) lost by 18 at Utah State to render an outright
win by Boston College (+4) at NC State meaningless. That what Vindy gets for
letting Super-Creepy Rob Lowe decide
his wagers! (BTW, our cable was out, so we spent Saturday down at the
playground watchin’ Pop Warner
No money down yet, but
here’s a few selections we’re considering taking to da’ sportsbook counter…MARYLAND
-4 ½ over Iowa, South Florida -1 ½ over TULSA, Rutgers +19 over OHIO STATE and
Iowa State +12 ½ over TEXAS. Also on the radar…Washington +20 ½ over OREGON.
If yer scorin’ at home,
the underdogs went 12-2-1 ATS (including four outright victories) in the 15
games involving at least one ranked team last week (depending upon where ya had
Stanford. We had the Cardinal at -17, pushing the 34-17 victory vs. Wazzou)!
In a follow-up to last week’s “lead story” about the
Vegas Hempfest, we note that last
May, the NFL contemplated a threshold for positive marijuana drug tests. Sounds
like Pro Bowlers might eventually be able to enjoy a little Maui Wowie and the Cleveland Browns
could grow some Toledo Window Box!
(Raise yer hand if ya know the Toledo
Window Box reference!)
BTW, did anybody else out there realize Super Bowl
48 featured teams from states that legalized recreational marijuana-use. We
were waitin’ to see which side would get whistled first for an illegal
helmet-to-helmet bong-hit! Gave a whole new meanin’ to “shotgun” formation!
On the ice…NHL meets Chemistry…“A beta-blocker save and a beauty!”
And finally…Cowboys RB Joseph Randle got popped for
an attempted five-finger discount of a tester-bottle of cologne and a two-pack
of undies from Dillard’s. Assuming the store recovered the nearly-stolen items,
we have to wonder if Randle will go be forced to go “commando” vs. the Giants
on Sunday. And if so, will he approach Dallas owner Jones and rattle off a Kramer
quote from Seinfeld about boxers vs.
jockeys…”I’m out there, Jerry and I’m
luvvvin’ every minute of it!”?
VEGAS, Nevada (TMZ)…Last Saturday witnessed the premiere of Las Vegas Hempfest. Ahead of the event, travel
agencies in Washington and Colorado tallied a record-number of tickets
purchased by athletes, talent scouts and college recruiters for flights to the
world’s gambling mecca. But less than 24-hours later, following the
announcement that while information and paraphernalia would be available, no
actual marijuana would be on sale, SEA-TAC
International and Denver International Airports immediately saw unprecedented
cancellations of previously-booked flights. Ironically, all the
passengers-in-question reported suddenly remembering they “had prior
engagements already scheduled” or were en route to grocery stores to “replenish
emergency nuclear fallout-shelter supplies of Twinkies and potato-chips!!”
“I’m so excited…I’m gonna’ get creamed!”…Within a seven-day timeframe this summer, South
Carolina and Oregon fessed-up on
their own to violations involving impermissible iced-decorations on cookies and
provision of a razor and shaving cream to recruits, respectively???!!! We hope
at least the would-be Duck got to shoot a Noxema
commercial with a Farrah-Fawcett look-a-like, a la Joe Namath back in the 70’s!
Maybe the Mallards (should they still make the Final Four after losing Thursday
nite to AZ), will have to grow playoff beards until ousted from the post-season,
a la the NHL!
Fer the second straight
week, we pushed after bettin’ Iowa State plus da’ points! A shout-out
to da’ Minutia-men of UMass, who did right by us not once, but twice…losing by
1 at +4 and posting major pointage with Miami-Ohio to send the total waaaaaaay
over 57 ½! North Texas and Indiana also lit up the scoreboard to cash the “over”
parlay. Elsewhere, Nevada-Reno cost us a nice three-team money-line parlay,
wasting a good win by Virginia Tech and a crazy 60-59 victory by Cal! We
already have $ down on Boston College +4 over NC STATE and Air Force +7 over
UTAH STATE. A couple other tilts we’re eye-ballin’ for possible
wager…Northwestern +3 over MINNESOTA, Ole Miss +3 over TEXAS A&M and yep,
those Nifty Lions +1 ½ over MEEESHIGAN.
We watched the ‘Bama-Ole
Miss game on Saturday…and by-and-large, special teams for each side…were not! The field goal kickers
collectively went 1-fer-3 in the 1st Quarter and ‘Bama’s kicker also missed a
fitty-one yarder in the 3rd Quarter (not a gimme by any stretch, but Tide’s
special units traditionally rise to the occasion). Kick-coverage improved slightly by the
intermission, but was mostly dismal on both sides. While we’re on the topic, we
note there’s been some discussion about “Good Bo, Bad Bo” in reference to QB Bo
Wallace’s extremes. Makes us ponder “Army of Darkness” meets the Ole Miss QB in
a classic scene from the movie…”Good
Bo…Bad Bo….I’m the guy takin’ snaps
from the shotgun!” One more thought
fer Texas A&M, who hosts Mississippi on Saturday and is (we think incorrectly) favored by 3, the Rebels’
perimeter D was a mess against ‘Bama and we’d recommend trying the edges early-and-often
if its gonna’ win. Elsewhere in the stadium, Katy Perry was in attendance at
said-contest, makin’ a cameo on ESPN’s
“College Game Day” and went all-Carly Rae Jepsen in an effort to lure the
affections a certain Oklahoma
quarterback…crooning, “I haven’t met
you…and I might never. But here’s my
number..,so call me, Trevor!”
“Danger, danger, Will Robinson!”: Tennessee hosts FCS #12 Chatternuuga (3-2 with
losses by 4 @ Central Michigan and a 23-20 OT defeat at home to Jaxsonville
State) and Vandy welcomes FCS #23 Charleston Southern (5-0 and off a bye) this
Notable trends thru Week
6: Colorado 4-0 ATS run; UConn, Illinois, UL-Lafayette, Ohio U. &
Tulane0-4 ATS skid, Joja’ and UMass
5-0 “over”; Iowa, Kansas, Northwestern, Notre Dame, San Diego State,
VirginiaTech & Washington 4-0 “under”, Tennessee and Texas 4-1 “under”;
Weeziana Tech, Ole Miss and Nebraska 5-0 ATS, Louisville 5-0 “under”, Navy 5-1
“under”, Ohio State 4-0 “over”, South Carolina 1-5 ATS, Toledo 0-5 ATS, Toledo
4-0 “over”, Western Michigan 4-0 ATS, Joja’ Southern 4-1 ATS
Michigan fans will be
armed with pepper-spray entering the stadium on Saturday vs. Vindy’s alma
mater. (Oh wait…the directive was fer a “maize-out”!).
Upon further review, maybe it was for a “maids-out” to clean up the mess
following the game!
Omar Gonzalez, who jumped
a fence and eluded Secret Service pursuit deep into da’ White House,has been offered an NFL contract by the
Washington pro football franchise as a kick-returner on special-teams
…following his release from the local pokey, of course! BTW, unnamed NSA agents
already drafted this guy as part of their fantasy teams! Vindy’s
Picks welcomes today’s start of the 2014 NHL regular
season (under a full lunar eclipse,
no less!) by noting protesters were permitted to do their thing at the 2014
Sochi Games in February as long as they stayed within designated areas.
Unfortunately, many elected to demonstrate outside
the trapezoid behind the Russian goalie, drawing multiple penalties for “too many
protesters on the ice” and hampering the host-country’s efforts to bring home
the gold in hockey!
TONITE’S FULL MOON AND THE ACCOMPANYING LUNAR ECLIPSE!!!! Run awaaaaaaay! Run awaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Pennsylvania (UPI)…Fans, players and coaches are frustrated
with the significant uptick in penalties being called, but their irritations are
misdirected at league rules-changes. Ahead of the Rebels’ Mountain West opener
at San Diego State, head coach Bobby Hauck publically-rued being
heavily-flagged by MAC and American Athletic officials during the
non-conference schedule after the 2013 season saw UNLV finish among the
least-penalized teams in the country. The Vegas squad drew eight hankies for
just 32 yards against the Aztecs, but it appears crews from the aforementioned-conferences
dotted the NFL landscape on Sunday,
combining to throw 90 flags for more than 7 football fields worth of distance
in just five of the eleven pro
stadiums in action, including a gaudy 22-hankie outing here in the Iron City during
the Steelers’ loss to Tampa Bay!
Honoring Stephen King’s birthday (September 21, 1947),
ENCORE played flicks from the Stephen King Collection every night last
month. We enjoyed watchin’ “Children of Da’ Cornhuskers”,
“The Dark Halftime”, “The Mean Green Mile” (filmed in the North
Texas locker room), “The Running Back
Man”, “Goal-Line-Stand By Me”, “Yards
Per Carrie” and of course…“The Shawshanked-Punt Redemption”!
Speakin’ of Chitlins
of Da’ Corn, we took in the Appalachian State-Joja’ Southern tilt on
Thursday night. The Mountaineers feature a WR named Malachi Jones. Don’t get us
wrong…we understand the whole religious, prophet, etc. affiliation. But after
“Children of the Corn” came out in hardback in 1977 and the subsequent horror
flick in 1984, we’re wonderin’ why any parent since then would name their kid
“Malachi”!!!! “Outlanderrrr! We have yer womannnn!”
The State of Kansas has proclaimed October as
“Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Month”, going on the premise that if the general
population can be ready to react to a zombie-outbreak, then they’ll also be
prepared to handle other disasters. The protocol is already being implemented
given the condition of the Jayhawks football season. KU squeaked by I-AA
Southeast Mizzou State 34-28 and beat the Chippies of Central Michigan by two
touchdowns, but were blasted by Duke and shut-out by Texas (scoring a total of
27 points in its three FBS tilts), tallying its 41st loss in 43
conference games (and counting!), leading to dismissal of former coach Charlie
Weis. A quick peek at the remaining slate says the Blewbirds have seen their
last outright victory on the year!
Last month, Russian president Vladimir Putin hoped
to cripple corporate America economically by banning chicken imports as payback
for international sanctions. Despite nominally-higher prices, U.S. consumers
are still purchasin’ chicken at a just-slightly
lower-than-usual pace, while impoverished Soviet citizens find themselves
seriously-missin’ said game-hens. In fact, the only poultry-boycott goin’ on this side of the Atlantic is being
conducted by fans of South Carolina’s football team, which already has two
games in the loss-column following its late 21-20 defeat by Missouri, leaving
the Fightin’ Fowls’ record at 3-2 outright and 1-4 against da’ spread!
On a more serious note, we render a heart-felt
Vindicator salute to the Mallards of Oregon, who will sport black-and-pink
jerseys with pink numbers and pink names on the back of said-jerseys and cleats
to match on Thursday night vs. Arizona, honoring Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
With the baseball playoffs
underway, we note the Arizona Diamondbacks faced the L.A. Dodgers in a two-game
series played in Australia to open the Major League season. Just wonderin’ if
players had to run the bases clockwise and if curve balls broke in the opposite
direction they do in the U.S.?!
We thank Iowa State (+21)
for pushing vs. Baylor and Maryland (+4) for “upsetting” Indiana on the road,
while Duke (+7) lost by a dozen at Miami to cost us a parlay win, wasting a big
win by Temple (-6) at UConn!
New York (ITAR-TASS)…Lost in the recent plethora of player misadventures was the outrage
following off-season revelation of the NFL’s “jiggle test” for cheerleaders. Commissioner
Roger Goodell and league officials say critics are wrong and it’s really the
“Gigli” test, in which teams test cheerleaders’ endurance by measuring how long
they can suffer through the Ben Affleck box-office bomb! In addition, the women
must be pet-friendly and pass muster with Dr. Evil’s cat , ie. the“Mr.
Bigglesworth test”! Further vetting of candidates requires ongoing mental
health assessments mandating the pom-pom squads submit to the “Sybil test”!
(The real cause behind the elevator-fight between Jay-Z and Beyonce)
fans wanting admission to the “Dog Pound” must pass the “Kibble test”!
The Nifty Lions host Northwestern this week. Last
Spring, the National Labor Relations Board ruled N-Dub players could unionize.
In April, scholarship players cast secret ballots whether or not to give the
formal okay to be represented by the College Athletes Players Association
(which if named College Athletes Players Organization,
woulda’ had the Wildcats being supported by the…CAPO!). Those votes remain
sealed until further notice as the school fights unionization.Meanwhile, we predict Coach Jimmy
Hoffa will lead the Northwestern Teamsters outta’ da’ tunnel this week then
mysteriously-disappear at halftime! The interim coach will, of course, be Jack
Lawrence’s Playbook.Com strategy of wagering on bowl teams
from the previous season that drop their first two games SU, then win Game
Three outright and host their Game
Four opponent went 2-0 again as Vandy (+21)
and Wazzou (+23 ½) both covered nicely in that role vs. South Carolina and
Steve Spurrier’s at it
again, bashin’ the Aggies’ slate. Last
time he did that, the Ol’ Ball Coach and his players got their Gamecocks
cleaned! Super Steve better hope his team and A&M don’t collide again for
the SEC Championship in December.
The Sochi Olympics mascot was dubbed “Nightmare
Bear”. Ted meets Chucky?!
In related news, Team USA’s honorary curling
team-captain in Sochi, 49ers TE Vernon Davis, drew some comparisons between the
sport-in-question and golf. Sure, why not. Every golfer hand-rolls a ball
toward the hole and has a pair of helpers with brooms, sweeping a path along
the green to the cup or to knock an opponent’s ball out of scoring range,
Pa. (UPI)…Lambasted in the media for, then admitting to, leaving a 20-cent gratuity
for a server on a burger-joint tab for over $60, Eagles RB LeSean McCoy has decided
to pursue a rap music career, going by the name “Twenty Cent”. Plans are
already underway to join forces with Curtis Jackson AKA “Fifty-Cent” on a nationwide
concert tour called “Seventy Cent On Da’ Dollah”! McCoy may also get to throw
out the first pitch of a Major League Baseball playoff game. Hopefully, it’ll
be less than half as bad as Fifty Cent’s was. Asked about his soon-to-be
co-star’s claim of being reportedly shot nine times, McCoy stated has never
suffered a bullet wound, but “did take
nine snaps from the shotgun formation
during preseason practices” in Philly’s rendition of the Wildcat!
spies say before leaving the restaurant, the beleaguered running back took the twenny pennies and threw them in the air
to “make it rain”!
UNLV took first-place in the Victoria Secret Pink
Nation “Craziest Campus Showdown” last week. The prize is still under wraps for
now, but the looks on the Rebel’s football players’ faces when dozens of
frilly, lacy, pink underthings are delivered to the locker room will be
Back in Week One, we noted the Marc Lawrence’s Playbook.Com strategy of wagering on bowl teams
from the previous season who drop their first two games SU, then win Game Three
outright and host their Game Four
opponent. The first three weeks of 2014 have eliminated all but two of the
possible contenders, but the remaining teams meeting the criteria are…Vanderbilt
and Washington State. Da’ Commodores are gettin’ 21vs. the South Carolina Gamecocks
and Wazzou’s taking 23 vs. the Mallards of Oregon. Vandy looks absolutely lost
without coach James Franklin (now at Vindy’s alma mater) and the Ducks could be
bankin’ on the perceived strength of conference to blaze the path to the Final
Four, but a bye week’s comin’ up after this one and style-points won’t hurt.
Our choices? Bet on the Admirals, pass on the Coogs, who’ve lost by 15, 25 and 24
the last three years.
The NCAA has cut a deal with “Star Wars” merchandise
to provide movie-themed apparel for its colleges. Keep an eye out in your fave campus
bookstores for shirts, hoodies, PJs, etc. featuring such things as…”These
aren’t the draw-plays you’re looking for.”, “Use the Air Force, Luke!”, Auburn coach Darth
Malzahn, Bowling Green (or Air Force) Millennium
Falcons, Rutgers Scarlet Jedi Knights, Texas Tech Red Tusken Raiders and of course, Rebel
Bases of Ole Miss and UNLV!
We thank Northern Illinois (-10 ½) and Nebraska (-11
½) for covering at UNLV and Fresno State, respectively, thus letting us cash
our first parlay ticket on the season!
ATS runs and skids thru Week Three (with three lined
games): 3-0: Weeziana Tech, Ole Miss and UTEP; 0-3: Fresno State, Kent State,
UCLA and Vandy!
This just in…Seminoles QB Jameis Winston earned
himself the right to spend the first thirty minutes of game-time vs. Clemson on the pine for spouting an obscene
phrase while standing atop a table in the student union. We have a two-word
prediction for Winston’s future as an NFL quarterback…Ryan Leaf(or maybe even Art Schlicter!)
The faux-fainting ploy used by Arkansas State on
special teams vs. Miami was reportedly run in practice, but we think Booker
Mays accidentally made eye-contact with George Clooney, who was on the ASU
sidelines reprising his role from “The Men Who Stare at Goats”!!!
With the Seattle Super Bowl victory well-in-hand at
the end of the second quarter last February, QB Russell Wilson actually took
the halftime stage and lip-synched the Bruno Mars tunes alongside the Red Hot
Chili Peppers (anybody else out note the irony in said-band playin’ “Give It
Away” following the Broncos efforts to do just that in the first 30 minutes of
the game?!). Meanwhile, the scheduled performer/pop star actually suited up and
was under center the rest of the way for the Seahawks!
Multiple-choice question…Commish Roger Goodell says
the league didn’t see the Ray Rice video in a timely manner because a) the VHS
tape was actually sent to now-defunct Blockbuster
Video to be rewound first b) the league doesn’t subscribe to Netflix! or c) the audio-visual intern
had been on a leave-of-absence and nobody else at NFL Headquarters knew how to
make the DVD-in-question fit the league’s Beta-Max
And finally…On da’ Billboard One-Hunnert…football meets DJ Snake & Lil’ Jon in a
tune called…“Turned-Over On Downs Fer What?!!!”
LAKE CITY, Utah (BBC)…Over the summer, officials at Utah revamped
the Utes’ fight song lyrics from “man” to “fan” to avoid the appearance of
being sexist. In a show of solidarity, other musicians and record companies have
since followed suit, leading to such title alterations as… “Soul Fan” by the Blues Brothers, “Secret
Agent Fan”- Johnny Rivers, “Tax Fan”- Beatles, “Mr. Tambourine Fan”- Bob Dylan, “When a Fan Loves a Woman”- Percy Sledge, “Iron Fan”- Black Sabbath, “Back Door Fan”-
The Doors, “Piano Fan”- Billy Joel,
“Rocket Fan”- Elton John, “Southern Fan”- Neil Young, “Old Fan”- also Neil Young, “Sharp Dressed Fan”- ZZ Top, “Fan in the Mirror”- Michael Jackson, “When I Was Your Fan”- Bruno Mars, “Macho Fan”- Village People, “The Fan in Black”- Johnny Cash, “What a Fan”- Salt N Pepa, “Stand By Your Fan”- Tammy Wynette, and of course, “Walk
Like a Fan”- Frankie Valle. In fact…
zoos, fruit stands and fashion shops now feature fanatees, fandarin oranges
and fannaquins, respectively.
We apologize to our loyal readership looking for our
usual slate of game predictions, but we have taken back-to-back poor outings
that left us at 8-20 overall and 1-7 on “best bets” through the first two weeks
of the 2014 campaign as a sign that the college football pantheon, or the
powers of the universe it represents, wants us to take a break. So be it. The
picks are on sabbatical until next August (unless we decide to give the bowls a go) so we can recalibrate the
abacus and the slide-rule we generally use to formulate our ATS selections.
Meanwhile, we’ll continue to post stuff weekly that would normally show up as a
lead “news story” or at least in…
BTW, even international sports leagues are hopping
on the Utah bandwagon, including English soccer stalwart… Fanchester United!
Following the act of Johnny Football, Texas A&M’s new gunslinger at QB prefers the
nickname…“Can He Drill”?!...What’d he say???!!!
Upset alert…FCS #3 SE Louisiana @ TULANE (no line).
Lions are 2-0 after pounding a Southern Utah team that trailed UNR by just 8
points midway thru the 3rd Quarter…at Reno…and ultimately lost by
Bo Pelini led his Huskers onto the field before the Nebraska
Spring Game, while holding up his cat skyward
in an apparent homage to the Lion King.
The stadium-operator misunderstood the NU coach’s subsequent request to play
“Hakuna Matata” and instead blasted Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” over
the PA system! Not to be out-done, the Big Red baseball coach requested the
playing of “On-Deck Circle of Life”
and “Glove Lies Bleeding” as his
squad took the diamond in its next
Ahead of the AFC Championship contest last January,
Patriots kicker Gostkowski would not reveal the song he uses as the soundtrack
to a video-mash-up of some of his important FGs, which he creates and watches
while prepping for the game each week. Given the mental state usually
attributed to players at his position, the tune-in-question was probably
something done by Weird Al Yankovic!
Around that same timeframe, Pope Francis selected 19
new cardinals. Later that month, the pontiff took turns helping Deion Sanders
and Jerry Rice choose players for their respective Pro Bowl squads under the
new non-denominational format!
In February, 5000 single-serve containers of Chobani yogurt, a sponsor of the U.S.
Olympic team, didn’t make it to Sochi for the Winter Games, instead remaining
in New Jersey, due to some Russian dairy-product public-health standards snafu!
Opponents blamed Chris Christie for that
log-jam too! Clearly, the concern was terrorists were smuggling explosives that
would’ve detonated when athletes stirred the fruit at the bottom of each cup!