Wednesday, October 29, 2014
POLITICAL PLOY BOLSTERS COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAMPISCATAWAY, New Jersey (UPI)…Last January, Garden State governor Chris Christie canned Deputy Chief of Staff Bridget Anne Kelly for her role in the deliberate, politically-motivated closing of traffic lanes into the George Washington Bridge. Kelly was immediately picked up by the Scarlet Knights, who were 8th in the conference in scoring defense and 4th- worst nationally in passing defense last season, as defensive coordinator. Said one of Rutgers’ staffers, “Anybody that can create that kinda’ stoppage at-will like that (four straight days) can certainly improve our D!”
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKSBTW, there’s no truth to the rumor that Christie had anything to do with the delayed-drafting of a certain former Cardinal QB…an incident the media dubbed “Teddy Bridgewater-Gate”
Highlander meets the LA KISS Arena Football League reality show in…”4th and Connor McLeod”!Following last Thursday’s loss by the San Diego Chargers to the Denver Broncos, Hannibal Lecter was quoted as saying, “I ate Philip Rivers with some fava beans and a fine Chianti!”
Rocky Horror Picture Show meets da’ Cleveland Browns/Texas A&M Aggies…“In just…seven….days, I can…make you…a Manziel!” and “It’s just a jump off-side to the left…and a step to da’ riiiiiii-iiiight…Put yer handoffs on yer hips…now, yer doin’ it riii-iiight….”In related news, the starting A&M quarterback meets Bride of Chucky…”Kenny Jennifer Tilly”?!
We implore the NCAA or the Big Tent-Peg Conference to provide some answers regarding the crews “officiating” the Lions previous two games. State was incorrectly ruled “offside” after recovering an onside kick that would’ve provided at least an opportunity to go for a potential winning score on their final drive in the loss at Michigan, meanwhile the idiots in stripes granted the Buckeyes an interception on PSU’s first drive, on a ball that upon review clearly hit the ground, which led to an OSU touchdown, and later let the Buckeyes get away with a FG that was kicked after the play-clock expired, putting the visitors up 10-0 early. We tuned away from that game when OSU went up 17-0 before the half and the Lions’ offense looking like D-O…D-O (thus missing the Lions attempted comeback that fell short in double-OT!). After the Ohio State debauchery, pictures showed up on Facebook, and probably the rest of the ‘Net, featuring referees being led around by seeing-eye dogs. We think the service-animals coulda’ called a better game!Elsewhere, the hometown Rebels finally lost a fumble, the last team in Division I-A this year to do so, in a covering loss at Utah State.
At the betting counter, our straight wagers on Maryland +11 over WISCONSIN and South Florida +10 over CINCINNATI failed to materialize. We did however cash a parlay featuring Weeziana Tech -10 over SOUTHERN MISS and Reno -3 over HAWAII (hats off to Da’ Pack for the rally and cover!). BTW, we’re takin’ a page from the Michigan playbook vs. the Spartans and plantin’ a pre-bet wooden stake in da’ sportsbook! If it blows up in our face, we’ll simply claim we saw a vampire! Money down already on Colorado State -7 over SAN JOSE STATE, UTEP -6 ½ over Southern Miss, Illinois +28 ½ over OHIO STATE, North Carolina +17 over MIAMI and Utah State -3 over HAWAII. Also getting a look...Navy +14 over Notre Dame (@ Baltimore, MD), Air Force -3 ½ over ARMY, South Alabama +6 over UL-LAFAYETTE and Arizona +6 ½ over UCLA.Recent incidents at soccer venues in Europe have brought to light the potential dangers of having drones in sports stadiums. Our solution? Station air-defense artillery units in the end zones or other strategic positions! Oregon fans may however take offense to nickname of the Army branch-in-question…”Duck Hunters”. Might give second-thoughts to Green Bay Packers players contemplating that whole “Lambeau Leap” thing! BTW, fer the drone- operators out there, if “Weapons Free” flashes across the Jumbo-Tron, it means…”If it flies, it dies!”
Fightin’ Irish true-frosh wide-out Justin Brent is apparently involved with 40-sumthin’-yer-old Lisa Ann, who has been in many an adult- film (…or so we’ve heard!). Is he gonna’ “Win one fer da’ stripper?!”. Are Irish thighs smilin’?! How often do ya see a Leprechaun with a Cougar?! Is she helping him learn the triple-X’s and O’s?! Is he memorizin’ the foreplay-book?!Lane Kiffin’s mommie expressed concern for her son’s well-being as he returned to Knoxville this past weekend. Kiffin led Tennessee to an 8-4 SU record (5-3 SEC) in his lone 2009 stint, which saw significant victories over only Joja’ and South Carolina (who went 7-6, losing by 13 in the post-season to UConn) just to lose the bowl game that year by 23 to VirginiaTech. But Kiffin’s successors suffered three straight 5-win campaigns after his departure. Guess that explains why the Tide OC was wearin’ an old-school hockey mask and clutchin’ a machete on the sidelines during ‘Bama’s win over the Vols on Saturday!
Earlier this month, Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin prohibited his players from exchanging unis with members of other teams. We’d ask Mike to make an exception this week after seeing the Steelers in those goofy black-and-tan (?) striped outfits, which always makes us immediately think of an old SNL skit featuring the cast sitting around in bee-like costumes (complete with antennae) and talking about “buzzing off”!NBA regular season competition is now underway and reminds us that in March, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un mandated every man in the country to get the same haircut as their supreme leader…a change from the previous ten options. An anonymous official however said the Dennis Rodman turtle-shell ‘do was under consideration as an acceptable alternative!
Nobody touches Vindy’s Dodge Dart…nor his Dart Vader costume!And finally this week…we’ll never purchase anything from eBay ever again. Instead of getting an eerie game-device that would reportedly put us in ”contact” with the “spirit-world” so we could get a little sports-betting guidance, we ended up having our Underoos forcibly-yanked up the crack of our butt and over our ears! Seems the seller-in-question sent us a… “wedgie”-board!
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
INTENTIONAL-FAIL CAMPAIGN SPURS OFFSHOOTSNASHVILLE, Tennessee (MSNBC)…Even before the Titans’ latest loss, a last-second road-defeat on Sunday to a Washington squad that had put just one of its previous six games in the win-column, Tennessee fans ripped a page from the “Suck for (Andrew) Luck” ploy by the 2011 Miami Dolphins, encouraging the local pro football franchise to lose on-purpose to acquire the 2015 NFL Draft’s initial selection and grab Oregon’s Marcus Mariota with the first pick…implementing a call to ”Suck for the Duck”, with vendors already hawking Tennessee apparel bearing the last name. However, others believe there are additional options and have proposed “Take a Sack for Dak (Prescott)” to get Mississippi State’s star QB, and for those wanting Texas Christian’s man-under-center, Trevone Boykin, …”Implode for Da’ Toad”!
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKSBTW, no truth to the rumor that winless Oakland and one-win teams Tampa, New York and Jacksonville are planning to “Play Squirrely Fer (Joja’ RB Todd) Gurley”!
Speakin’ of a certain woodland creature, over the summer, USA Today revealed Jameis Winston stared down the business-end of a campus cop’s weapon in the wake of usin’ a pellet-gun to take pot-shots at squirrels with a teammate on da’ school grounds back in 2012. Great…squirrels, seafood….is the FSU wunderkind buckin’ for a gig on some Animal Planet show when his NFL career tanks or what???!!!The Kansas Jay-Walks finally lost a fumble this weekend, leaving only UNLV (??!!!) as the only team to not do so thus far. The Rebels were, however, idle Saturday. No word as to whether or not the practice squad managed to recover one vs. the starting O!
Our primary wagers went 3-1, with Rutgers (+19) getting’ blasted by Ohio State and squandering an 8-point win by South Florida (-1 ½ over TULSA). We cashed on Iowa State (+12 ½) over TEXAS, but weren’t smart enough to lay 4 ½ with MARYLAND over Iowa, instead losing on an impulsive Friday-night wager of Temple +8 ½ at HOUSTON. This week, we’re considering South Florida +11 over CINCINNATI, Maryland +11 over WISCONSIN, UMass +16 over TOLEDO, Weezianna Tech -10 over SOUTHERN MISSED and Nevada-Reno -3 over HAWAII. Also on da’ radar…Texas-El Paso +10 over TEXAS-SAN ANTONIO, Texas +9 ½ over KANSAS STATE and West Virginia-OKLAHOMA STATE “over” 63.Regarding West Virginia’s upset of Baylor last weekend, we do our best Bogie impersonation and say… “’Eers lookin’ at you, Kid.”
Thru Week 9, the Philadelphia Iggles haven’t donned green jerseys because during the offseason, the team decided to take it up…if we can quote Emeril Lagasse… “another notch”… to Nike’s Elite 51 jerseys and “midnight green” is apparently a specialized color that takes extra time to produce. Philly won’t play at the Da’ Linc again until November 10. Maybe Chris Rock can reprise his role as “Caretaker” in The Longest Yard remake and provide some Mean Machine duds until Nike comes through!Next week…Garden State politics, drones and we welcome…the NBA!
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
COMMUNIST LEADER SIGHTING GOOD NEWS FOR NCAA TEAM?DALLAS, Texas (AP)…Until Tuesday, when he was spotted with a walking stick, Kim Jong Un had not been seen in public since September 3rd. Similarly AWOL have been the offenses of UConn, South Florida, Kent State and…SMU, which is at the bottom of Division I-A in points-scored, totaling 36 in five games. Putting that in perspective, the next lowest totals belong to I-AA Cornell (39 points, 0-4 in the Ivy League) and Austin Peay (40, 0-6, in the Ohio Valley Conference cellar). In addition, the whereabouts of the Mustangs’ D is still unknown, MIA since the 2013 regular-season finale (a 17-13 loss to Central Florida). Local fans believe the positive reemergence of the North Korean leader could likewise portend good fortune for SMU’s offense, as the Pony Express and teammates this week host Cincinnati, which has yielded an average of 41 points-per-game thus far and almost 49 per game over its last three tilts. No truth the rumor that Jong Un was overheard doing his best Gandalf-at-the-steps-of-Edoras impersonation from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, quipping, “Oh…you wouldn’t part an old man from his walking-stick, would you?”
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKSThe Northwestern Wildcats will be sportin’ their new “Gothic” unis vs. Nebraska this week. In related news, the Philadelphia Iggles donned all-black duds to host the G-Men and pitched a 23-0 shutout. On that note, we fully concur with N-Dub’s fashion-choice (and recommend a certain well-known AC/DC tune be blasted over the PA system at Ryan Field!). BTW, after dropping a tough game to Minnesota (see our betting results below), ‘Cats coach Pat Fitzgerald said da’ Gophers’ offense “takes half the game away standing in the huddle and talking about what they’re ordering for dinner.”. Interesting comment, considering NW had nearly three more minutes in time-of-possession and won most of the statistical categories. Apparently, the Gilded Gerbils, instead of hashin’ out a nine-course meal, musta’ simply decided early on DiGiorno pizza!
For all their woes, the hometown-hero Rebels of UNLV had not coughed-up a fumble (nor had Boston College, Mizzou or [GASP!] Kansas) entering last Friday’s game vs. Fresno State. Still none for UNLV. Mizzou gave up one in the blow-out loss to Joja’! BC also lost one while the Jayhawks put it on the ground three times, but recovered all of ‘em, leaving UNLV and Kansas as the only two teams sans a lost-fumble???!!!We sent up a signal-flare ahead of Tennessee’s tilt vs. FCS Chattanooga and Vanderbilt’s contest against FCS Charleston Southern. The Vols wasted little time putting away their opponent, but the CSU Buccaneers pulled within a point of the Commodores early in the 4th Quarter and Vandy held on over the final 10 minutes to escape with the 21-20 win.
If ya didn’t watch Auburn’s demise at Mississippi State, War Beagle shot itself in the paw early-and-often with penalties in its 35-23 loss. And other mistakes like a missed 27-yard FG attempt didn’t help. But frankly, the Bulldogs didn’t look all that stellar either, but made Auburn pay for mistakes. Speaking of errors, UNLV coach Bobby Hauck got called out for attempting a fake punt from his own side of the field while leading Fresno 17-0 early. MSU tried that too, up 21-0 on Auburn. Ultimately, both teams won their games, but…Yikes! What were they thinking!One of the CBS commentators noted the broadcast crew had no rosters showing anyone for Auburn associated with uniform #91following an ineligible-substitution flag thrown on a player sporting said-digits! Vindy spies say the offending player was actually an MSU fan who found an unguarded uniform, infiltrated the Tigers’ sidelines and waited for an opportune time to run onto the field and draw the flag! Or maybe it was Jean-Claude Damme, who once, while portraying a fire-marshal trying to save spectators and players at a hockey arena from terrorists, slipped onto the ice dressed as a goalie and stopped a shot during an NHL playoff game in “Sudden Death”!
Many of the home-fans at Davis Wade Stadium were clad in “Stark Vegas” shirts. Doing some research, we discovered it’s apparently not unusual for cities with names ending “ville” to swap that suffix for “Vegas”, which reportedly makes it sound like the berg has more pizazz. Obvious examples then would be KnoxVegas, LouisVegas and GainesVegas, but we’re awaiting release of The AmityVegas Horror!Congrats to Eastern Michigan for upsetting Buffalo as a two-touchdown underdog and equaling its number of SU wins in each of the past two seasons. EMU has bested Western Michigan three straight years and the Broncos show up later on the schedule. The Eagles went 2-9 ATS (vs. Division I-A teams) in 2013. By our numbers, the Y-Town Birds are currently 2-2-1 against the line.
Our betting efforts were fruitless last week after Northwestern (+4) yielded a 100-yard kickoff return for TD immediately after tying Minnesota at 17-17 mid-4th Quarter, losing by 7 and wasting a nice cover by Louisville (+9 ½) at Clemson later that day. Likewise, Air Force (+7) lost by 18 at Utah State to render an outright win by Boston College (+4) at NC State meaningless. That what Vindy gets for letting Super-Creepy Rob Lowe decide his wagers! (BTW, our cable was out, so we spent Saturday down at the playground watchin’ Pop Warner games!).No money down yet, but here’s a few selections we’re considering taking to da’ sportsbook counter…MARYLAND -4 ½ over Iowa, South Florida -1 ½ over TULSA, Rutgers +19 over OHIO STATE and Iowa State +12 ½ over TEXAS. Also on the radar…Washington +20 ½ over OREGON.
If yer scorin’ at home, the underdogs went 12-2-1 ATS (including four outright victories) in the 15 games involving at least one ranked team last week (depending upon where ya had Stanford. We had the Cardinal at -17, pushing the 34-17 victory vs. Wazzou)!In a follow-up to last week’s “lead story” about the Vegas Hempfest, we note that last May, the NFL contemplated a threshold for positive marijuana drug tests. Sounds like Pro Bowlers might eventually be able to enjoy a little Maui Wowie and the Cleveland Browns could grow some Toledo Window Box! (Raise yer hand if ya know the Toledo Window Box reference!)
BTW, did anybody else out there realize Super Bowl 48 featured teams from states that legalized recreational marijuana-use. We were waitin’ to see which side would get whistled first for an illegal helmet-to-helmet bong-hit! Gave a whole new meanin’ to “shotgun” formation!On the ice…NHL meets Chemistry…“A beta-blocker save and a beauty!”
And finally…Cowboys RB Joseph Randle got popped for an attempted five-finger discount of a tester-bottle of cologne and a two-pack of undies from Dillard’s. Assuming the store recovered the nearly-stolen items, we have to wonder if Randle will go be forced to go “commando” vs. the Giants on Sunday. And if so, will he approach Dallas owner Jones and rattle off a Kramer quote from Seinfeld about boxers vs. jockeys…”I’m out there, Jerry and I’m luvvvin’ every minute of it!”?
Wednesday, October 08, 2014
SIN CITY EVENT IMPACTS AIRLINESLAS VEGAS, Nevada (TMZ)…Last Saturday witnessed the premiere of Las Vegas Hempfest. Ahead of the event, travel agencies in Washington and Colorado tallied a record-number of tickets purchased by athletes, talent scouts and college recruiters for flights to the world’s gambling mecca. But less than 24-hours later, following the announcement that while information and paraphernalia would be available, no actual marijuana would be on sale, SEA-TAC International and Denver International Airports immediately saw unprecedented cancellations of previously-booked flights. Ironically, all the passengers-in-question reported suddenly remembering they “had prior engagements already scheduled” or were en route to grocery stores to “replenish emergency nuclear fallout-shelter supplies of Twinkies and potato-chips!!”
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS“I’m so excited…I’m gonna’ get creamed!”…Within a seven-day timeframe this summer, South Carolina and Oregon fessed-up on their own to violations involving impermissible iced-decorations on cookies and provision of a razor and shaving cream to recruits, respectively???!!! We hope at least the would-be Duck got to shoot a Noxema commercial with a Farrah-Fawcett look-a-like, a la Joe Namath back in the 70’s! Maybe the Mallards (should they still make the Final Four after losing Thursday nite to AZ), will have to grow playoff beards until ousted from the post-season, a la the NHL!
Fer the second straight week, we pushed after bettin’ Iowa State plus da’ points! A shout-out to da’ Minutia-men of UMass, who did right by us not once, but twice…losing by 1 at +4 and posting major pointage with Miami-Ohio to send the total waaaaaaay over 57 ½! North Texas and Indiana also lit up the scoreboard to cash the “over” parlay. Elsewhere, Nevada-Reno cost us a nice three-team money-line parlay, wasting a good win by Virginia Tech and a crazy 60-59 victory by Cal! We already have $ down on Boston College +4 over NC STATE and Air Force +7 over UTAH STATE. A couple other tilts we’re eye-ballin’ for possible wager…Northwestern +3 over MINNESOTA, Ole Miss +3 over TEXAS A&M and yep, those Nifty Lions +1 ½ over MEEESHIGAN.We watched the ‘Bama-Ole Miss game on Saturday…and by-and-large, special teams for each side…were not! The field goal kickers collectively went 1-fer-3 in the 1st Quarter and ‘Bama’s kicker also missed a fitty-one yarder in the 3rd Quarter (not a gimme by any stretch, but Tide’s special units traditionally rise to the occasion). Kick-coverage improved slightly by the intermission, but was mostly dismal on both sides. While we’re on the topic, we note there’s been some discussion about “Good Bo, Bad Bo” in reference to QB Bo Wallace’s extremes. Makes us ponder “Army of Darkness” meets the Ole Miss QB in a classic scene from the movie…”Good Bo…Bad Bo….I’m the guy takin’ snaps from the shotgun!” One more thought fer Texas A&M, who hosts Mississippi on Saturday and is (we think incorrectly) favored by 3, the Rebels’ perimeter D was a mess against ‘Bama and we’d recommend trying the edges early-and-often if its gonna’ win. Elsewhere in the stadium, Katy Perry was in attendance at said-contest, makin’ a cameo on ESPN’s “College Game Day” and went all-Carly Rae Jepsen in an effort to lure the affections a certain Oklahoma quarterback…crooning, “I haven’t met you…and I might never. But here’s my number..,so call me, Trevor!”
“Danger, danger, Will Robinson!”: Tennessee hosts FCS #12 Chatternuuga (3-2 with losses by 4 @ Central Michigan and a 23-20 OT defeat at home to Jaxsonville State) and Vandy welcomes FCS #23 Charleston Southern (5-0 and off a bye) this weekend!Notable trends thru Week 6: Colorado 4-0 ATS run; UConn, Illinois, UL-Lafayette, Ohio U. & Tulane 0-4 ATS skid, Joja’ and UMass 5-0 “over”; Iowa, Kansas, Northwestern, Notre Dame, San Diego State, VirginiaTech & Washington 4-0 “under”, Tennessee and Texas 4-1 “under”; Weeziana Tech, Ole Miss and Nebraska 5-0 ATS, Louisville 5-0 “under”, Navy 5-1 “under”, Ohio State 4-0 “over”, South Carolina 1-5 ATS, Toledo 0-5 ATS, Toledo 4-0 “over”, Western Michigan 4-0 ATS, Joja’ Southern 4-1 ATS
Michigan fans will be armed with pepper-spray entering the stadium on Saturday vs. Vindy’s alma mater. (Oh wait…the directive was fer a “maize-out”!). Upon further review, maybe it was for a “maids-out” to clean up the mess following the game!Omar Gonzalez, who jumped a fence and eluded Secret Service pursuit deep into da’ White House, has been offered an NFL contract by the Washington pro football franchise as a kick-returner on special-teams …following his release from the local pokey, of course! BTW, unnamed NSA agents already drafted this guy as part of their fantasy teams!
Vindy’s Picks welcomes today’s start of the 2014 NHL regular season (under a full lunar eclipse, no less!) by noting protesters were permitted to do their thing at the 2014 Sochi Games in February as long as they stayed within designated areas. Unfortunately, many elected to demonstrate outside the trapezoid behind the Russian goalie, drawing multiple penalties for “too many protesters on the ice” and hampering the host-country’s efforts to bring home the gold in hockey!
And finally…BEWARE TONITE’S FULL MOON AND THE ACCOMPANYING LUNAR ECLIPSE!!!! Run awaaaaaaay! Run awaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Wednesday, October 01, 2014
COLLEGE ZEBRAS SUCK LIFE OUT OF NFL GAMESPITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania (UPI)…Fans, players and coaches are frustrated with the significant uptick in penalties being called, but their irritations are misdirected at league rules-changes. Ahead of the Rebels’ Mountain West opener at San Diego State, head coach Bobby Hauck publically-rued being heavily-flagged by MAC and American Athletic officials during the non-conference schedule after the 2013 season saw UNLV finish among the least-penalized teams in the country. The Vegas squad drew eight hankies for just 32 yards against the Aztecs, but it appears crews from the aforementioned-conferences dotted the NFL landscape on Sunday, combining to throw 90 flags for more than 7 football fields worth of distance in just five of the eleven pro stadiums in action, including a gaudy 22-hankie outing here in the Iron City during the Steelers’ loss to Tampa Bay!
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKSHonoring Stephen King’s birthday (September 21, 1947), ENCORE played flicks from the Stephen King Collection every night last month. We enjoyed watchin’ “Children of Da’ Cornhuskers”, “The Dark Halftime”, “The Mean Green Mile” (filmed in the North Texas locker room), “The Running Back Man”, “Goal-Line-Stand By Me”, “Yards Per Carrie” and of course…“The Shawshanked-Punt Redemption”!
Speakin’ of Chitlins of Da’ Corn, we took in the Appalachian State-Joja’ Southern tilt on Thursday night. The Mountaineers feature a WR named Malachi Jones. Don’t get us wrong…we understand the whole religious, prophet, etc. affiliation. But after “Children of the Corn” came out in hardback in 1977 and the subsequent horror flick in 1984, we’re wonderin’ why any parent since then would name their kid “Malachi”!!!! “Outlanderrrr! We have yer womannnn!”The State of Kansas has proclaimed October as “Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Month”, going on the premise that if the general population can be ready to react to a zombie-outbreak, then they’ll also be prepared to handle other disasters. The protocol is already being implemented given the condition of the Jayhawks football season. KU squeaked by I-AA Southeast Mizzou State 34-28 and beat the Chippies of Central Michigan by two touchdowns, but were blasted by Duke and shut-out by Texas (scoring a total of 27 points in its three FBS tilts), tallying its 41st loss in 43 conference games (and counting!), leading to dismissal of former coach Charlie Weis. A quick peek at the remaining slate says the Blewbirds have seen their last outright victory on the year!
Last month, Russian president Vladimir Putin hoped to cripple corporate America economically by banning chicken imports as payback for international sanctions. Despite nominally-higher prices, U.S. consumers are still purchasin’ chicken at a just-slightly lower-than-usual pace, while impoverished Soviet citizens find themselves seriously-missin’ said game-hens. In fact, the only poultry-boycott goin’ on this side of the Atlantic is being conducted by fans of South Carolina’s football team, which already has two games in the loss-column following its late 21-20 defeat by Missouri, leaving the Fightin’ Fowls’ record at 3-2 outright and 1-4 against da’ spread!On a more serious note, we render a heart-felt Vindicator salute to the Mallards of Oregon, who will sport black-and-pink jerseys with pink numbers and pink names on the back of said-jerseys and cleats to match on Thursday night vs. Arizona, honoring Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
With the baseball playoffs underway, we note the Arizona Diamondbacks faced the L.A. Dodgers in a two-game series played in Australia to open the Major League season. Just wonderin’ if players had to run the bases clockwise and if curve balls broke in the opposite direction they do in the U.S.?!We thank Iowa State (+21) for pushing vs. Baylor and Maryland (+4) for “upsetting” Indiana on the road, while Duke (+7) lost by a dozen at Miami to cost us a parlay win, wasting a big win by Temple (-6) at UConn!
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
OFFICIALS CLARIFY ALLEGED “TEST”BUFFALO, New York (ITAR-TASS)…Lost in the recent plethora of player misadventures was the outrage following off-season revelation of the NFL’s “jiggle test” for cheerleaders. Commissioner Roger Goodell and league officials say critics are wrong and it’s really the “Gigli” test, in which teams test cheerleaders’ endurance by measuring how long they can suffer through the Ben Affleck box-office bomb! In addition, the women must be pet-friendly and pass muster with Dr. Evil’s cat , ie. the“Mr. Bigglesworth test”! Further vetting of candidates requires ongoing mental health assessments mandating the pom-pom squads submit to the “Sybil test”!
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS(The real cause behind the elevator-fight between Jay-Z and Beyonce)
BTW, Cleveland fans wanting admission to the “Dog Pound” must pass the “Kibble test”!The Nifty Lions host Northwestern this week. Last Spring, the National Labor Relations Board ruled N-Dub players could unionize. In April, scholarship players cast secret ballots whether or not to give the formal okay to be represented by the College Athletes Players Association (which if named College Athletes Players Organization, woulda’ had the Wildcats being supported by the…CAPO!). Those votes remain sealed until further notice as the school fights unionization. Meanwhile, we predict Coach Jimmy Hoffa will lead the Northwestern Teamsters outta’ da’ tunnel this week then mysteriously-disappear at halftime! The interim coach will, of course, be Jack Nicholson!
Marc Lawrence’s Playbook.Com strategy of wagering on bowl teams from the previous season that drop their first two games SU, then win Game Three outright and host their Game Four opponent went 2-0 again as Vandy (+21) and Wazzou (+23 ½) both covered nicely in that role vs. South Carolina and Oregon, respectively.Steve Spurrier’s at it again, bashin’ the Aggies’ slate. Last time he did that, the Ol’ Ball Coach and his players got their Gamecocks cleaned! Super Steve better hope his team and A&M don’t collide again for the SEC Championship in December.
The Sochi Olympics mascot was dubbed “Nightmare Bear”. Ted meets Chucky?!In related news, Team USA’s honorary curling team-captain in Sochi, 49ers TE Vernon Davis, drew some comparisons between the sport-in-question and golf. Sure, why not. Every golfer hand-rolls a ball toward the hole and has a pair of helpers with brooms, sweeping a path along the green to the cup or to knock an opponent’s ball out of scoring range, right?!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
TIPPING INCIDENT SPURS MUSIC ENDEAVOR
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. (UPI)…Lambasted in the media for, then admitting to, leaving a 20-cent gratuity for a server on a burger-joint tab for over $60, Eagles RB LeSean McCoy has decided to pursue a rap music career, going by the name “Twenty Cent”. Plans are already underway to join forces with Curtis Jackson AKA “Fifty-Cent” on a nationwide concert tour called “Seventy Cent On Da’ Dollah”! McCoy may also get to throw out the first pitch of a Major League Baseball playoff game. Hopefully, it’ll be less than half as bad as Fifty Cent’s was. Asked about his soon-to-be co-star’s claim of being reportedly shot nine times, McCoy stated has never suffered a bullet wound, but “did take nine snaps from the shotgun formation during preseason practices” in Philly’s rendition of the Wildcat!BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, Vindy’s spies say before leaving the restaurant, the beleaguered running back took the twenny pennies and threw them in the air to “make it rain”!UNLV took first-place in the Victoria Secret Pink Nation “Craziest Campus Showdown” last week. The prize is still under wraps for now, but the looks on the Rebel’s football players’ faces when dozens of frilly, lacy, pink underthings are delivered to the locker room will be priceless!
Back in Week One, we noted the Marc Lawrence’s Playbook.Com strategy of wagering on bowl teams from the previous season who drop their first two games SU, then win Game Three outright and host their Game Four opponent. The first three weeks of 2014 have eliminated all but two of the possible contenders, but the remaining teams meeting the criteria are…Vanderbilt and Washington State. Da’ Commodores are gettin’ 21vs. the South Carolina Gamecocks and Wazzou’s taking 23 vs. the Mallards of Oregon. Vandy looks absolutely lost without coach James Franklin (now at Vindy’s alma mater) and the Ducks could be bankin’ on the perceived strength of conference to blaze the path to the Final Four, but a bye week’s comin’ up after this one and style-points won’t hurt. Our choices? Bet on the Admirals, pass on the Coogs, who’ve lost by 15, 25 and 24 the last three years.The NCAA has cut a deal with “Star Wars” merchandise to provide movie-themed apparel for its colleges. Keep an eye out in your fave campus bookstores for shirts, hoodies, PJs, etc. featuring such things as…”These aren’t the draw-plays you’re looking for.”, “Use the Air Force, Luke!”, Auburn coach Darth Malzahn, Bowling Green (or Air Force) Millennium Falcons, Rutgers Scarlet Jedi Knights, Texas Tech Red Tusken Raiders and of course, Rebel Bases of Ole Miss and UNLV!
We thank Northern Illinois (-10 ½) and Nebraska (-11 ½) for covering at UNLV and Fresno State, respectively, thus letting us cash our first parlay ticket on the season!ATS runs and skids thru Week Three (with three lined games): 3-0: Weeziana Tech, Ole Miss and UTEP; 0-3: Fresno State, Kent State, UCLA and Vandy!
This just in…Seminoles QB Jameis Winston earned himself the right to spend the first thirty minutes of game-time vs. Clemson on the pine for spouting an obscene phrase while standing atop a table in the student union. We have a two-word prediction for Winston’s future as an NFL quarterback…Ryan Leaf (or maybe even Art Schlicter!)The faux-fainting ploy used by Arkansas State on special teams vs. Miami was reportedly run in practice, but we think Booker Mays accidentally made eye-contact with George Clooney, who was on the ASU sidelines reprising his role from “The Men Who Stare at Goats”!!!
With the Seattle Super Bowl victory well-in-hand at the end of the second quarter last February, QB Russell Wilson actually took the halftime stage and lip-synched the Bruno Mars tunes alongside the Red Hot Chili Peppers (anybody else out note the irony in said-band playin’ “Give It Away” following the Broncos efforts to do just that in the first 30 minutes of the game?!). Meanwhile, the scheduled performer/pop star actually suited up and was under center the rest of the way for the Seahawks!Multiple-choice question…Commish Roger Goodell says the league didn’t see the Ray Rice video in a timely manner because a) the VHS tape was actually sent to now-defunct Blockbuster Video to be rewound first b) the league doesn’t subscribe to Netflix! or c) the audio-visual intern had been on a leave-of-absence and nobody else at NFL Headquarters knew how to make the DVD-in-question fit the league’s Beta-Max machine!
And finally…On da’ Billboard One-Hunnert…football meets DJ Snake & Lil’ Jon in a tune called…“Turned-Over On Downs Fer What?!!!”