SANDERS REPORTEDLY PLANS TO “SCRAP” COLLEGE FOOTBALL FOR CULINARY ENDEAVOR
BOULDER, Colorado (MSNBC)...Sources close to the Buffaloes football team have indicated HC Deion Sanders, who asserted he would consider an NFL spot only if he “could coach his sons” is looking to seek employment elsewhere after a flashy first-year stint in the NCAA, taking his club to 9-4 record in his initial outing as head coach to open a restaurant known as “Coach Prime Rib”. Signature steaks will come with “Halftime Horseradish Sauce” in addition to customers’ choices of “sideline sides” among Shedeur Salad, Shilo Sauteed Mushrooms, Goal-to-Go Green Beans, Tush-Push Potatoes, Time-Out Tater Tots and a Defensive End Dinner Roll. Beverages will feature Kick-Off Kool-Ade, Penalty Flag Pinot-Gregio, White End Zone Zinfandel as well as Running Back Root Beer and Screen-Play Shirley Temple (for the minor customers), among others. Staff will be made up solely of off-season waterboys and equipment managers.
Jackin' up threes from Reno with...
THE WEBER KID’S 2024-25 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP “BETWEEN DA’ HASHMARKS”
(Cleanin'-up the misses [missus?!] around da' rim!)
MON. JAN. 20
College Football Playoff National Championship Game Presented by AT&T
#7 Notre Dame vs. #8 Ohio State (-8 ½)(46) (@Atlanta, GA): Is there a competent/non-payroll officiating crew in the house? For the second time in four weeks, referees calling games involving the Alma Mater have been kicked to da’ curb by the NCAA fer missing/ignoring/disregarding obvious infractions by the Lions’ opponents. Can’t change it now, but all we ask is non-partisan calls, for us or against us, get the call right and don’t swallow the whistle. In related news, the “all-star SEC crew” that officiated the Penn State-Boise clash will work this one. More thoughts on this in our “hashmarks” segment. Defense appears to be the prevailing flavor lately (though Orange Bowl cleared the “over 45” at 51). State opened favored by almost double-digits but a fair amount of money has been wagered on the Irish and the “under”. With its Peach Bowl triumph over da’ Alma Mater, ND owns a I-A record of consecutive victories on neutral turf. Favorites have won 5 straight titles and 6 of the past 7. Our Lady RB Jeremiyah Love played through a knee injury, hitting the end zone against the Lions, will almost certainly be at 100% and on the field again here. The Buckeyes-Steers match was anticipated to a be high-scoring outing (over/under 53 ½) but never came close (21-14 State with about 7 minutes to play with 28-14 final tally) and starting Notre Dame LT Antonie Knapp is hurt and will miss this game. OSU hasn’t won a national title in 10 years. Leprechauns’ last natty championship was (GASP!) ‘88. We think that dry-spell continues and we pledge allegiance to da’ Big Tam O’Shanter, but if the Shamrocks can force a timely turnover or two, they can finish within one score. Taking a slight lean toward the “under” (currently 46 as we go to press) as OSU ran the fewest snaps in the playoffs among the other 11 contenders and da' Catholics held the Penn State receivers to zero catches, Irish haven’t beaten the Nuts since 1936...OSU 24 Hail Typhoid Mary 20
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, items on the dessert menu include “Jet Sweep” Jell-O, Offside Orange Creamsicle, FG Kicker Key Lime Pie, Facemask Funnel Cake, Lineman Lemon Bars, “No Gain Nutella” Cookies, Chocolate Cherry “Chunk-Play” Cake and “Down & Distance” Doughnuts!
Officials for the game will don the same specialized eyewear worn by pistol competitors during the Paris Games to enhance their visual acuity. Frankly, we’d rather the NCAA simply clone Turkish silver-medalist Yusuf Dikec seven times and station him throughout the gridiron during plays!
Sanders proclaimed he is “unaware of Shedeur or Travis Hunter ever stepping foot in a classroom” during their education at Colorado. Both players were reportedly studying pre-med and took their “exams” via Facetime and/or ZOOM meetings using the classic game “Operation” to demonstrate their “skills”. Both will receive their grades after submitting $1.69 and two box tops from Raisin Bran!
Additional Power 4 teams (and other conferences) if Canada, the Panama Canal and Greenland are successfully annexed in the months to come...University of Nuuk (ACC), Texas A&M-Panama City (Sun Belt), University of Moose Jaw (AAC), Toronto State (Mountain West), University of Ottawa (SEC), University of Calgary (B12), University of Winnipeg (B10) and Prince Edward Island U. (PAC).
Another possible future post-season venue...the Gillette “The Best a Lineman Can Get” Bowl!
Fer inquiring mimes that wanna’ know...once radio communications between the QB and the sideline time expires, there’s no silence, just elevator muzak!
If the mountaineers of Morgantown meet Willy Wonka, is it...”West by Gobstopper Virginia”??!!
On a more serious note, in the wake of its painful 42-41 demise facing ISU in the Pop-Tart Bowl, the Miami Hurricanes’ outright record fell to just one win in its past Baker’s Dozen of post-season opportunities, besting only West Virginia in 2016. Uggggh!
On a more serious note, we tip our helmet to Texas HC Steve Sarkisian, whose Longhorn charges managed a nifty 3.27 average GPA for the 2024 fall semester. A school record! Well done, Coach!
Iggles’ WR A.J. Brown revealed he refocuses between drives by reading a self-help tome called “Inner Excellence”. Vindy does likewise sandwiching weekly forecasts by perusing Stephen King’s “The Shining”.
Las Vegas Raiders rookie left-guard Jackson Powers-Johnson let it be known he was a competitive tango dancer in his youth. Vindy is already well-versed in the “Time WarP” (“It’s just a jump offside to left...and a step outta’ bounds to the riiiii-iiight! Put yer handoffs on yer hips.....and bring yer kneees in tiiiii-iiight. But it’s the shellfish lussssst that really drives you in-saaaayyy-aay-aaayn!...Let’s...do...the Time...WArrrp...agaaaaaiinnn!”). The revelation however has spurred yer humble host into adding the box-step, da’ Bump, the Macarena, Hula and Flamenco to his previously-acquired “moves like Jagger”!
Near the end of the Minnesota-Jacksonville game in early November, Vikes safety Camryn Bynum imitated Olympic breaker Raygun’s routine while celebrating his game-icing pick in the end zone. While not penalized for the antics, Australia reportedly offered a trade to Minnesota between the two athletes!
On December 29, the NY Jets took to the gridiron with Coolio’s “Gangsta’ Paradise” blaring from a boom-box. Given the Bills’ 40-14 rout, the pre-game tune might as well have been Weird Al Yankovic’s “Amish Paradise” parody!
Recently-fired ex-Patriots HC Jerod Mayo elected to play cards after his club’s 30-17 fall against Arizona rather than watch game-film on the trek back to Foxborough with his coaches. Vindy’s spies indicate Mayo was involved in Texas Hold ‘Em, Rummy, Bridge, Go Fish, Old Maid, Hearts, Pinochle and (GASP!) Magic the Gathering!
The Moonhouse, a model little red home created by Swedish artist Mikael Genberg, will jettison into space and possibly be placed on the moon after a ride on a Japanese lunar lander. Not to be outdone, Vindicator is in talks with Genberg to replicate mini-versions of his mancave and Beaver Stadium fer similar purposes!
“Leftover Hash” (yes, we know that’s redundant!). We conduct the annual emptying of da’ clip, expending all the stuff we had in the arsenal throughout the season that hadn’t found its way into da’ Picks...until now...
Suggestions for additional future post-season venues...Bosco Chocolate Syrup Bowl; Bed, Gatorade Bath & Beyonce Bowl, Olay Retinol Bowl, Suburban Auto Group “Trunk Monkey” Bowl, Lockheed Martin “Front Toward the Enemy” Bowl, if a prominent post-season contest is sponsored by and held in an eastern European communist location, is it the “Amerikan Capitalist Pig-Dogs One Orange Bowl”?! “What’s in your walletski”??!, Ozempic Weight-Loss Bowl, Progressive “Home and Auto Bundle” Bowl, Discovery Channel “Deadliest Catch” Bowl (played in Dutch Harbor, Alaska)
This summer, Vin caught a headline reading, “”Pamela Anderson Signs With CAA”. Can’t wait to see the fitty-seven-old former Baywatch star in her trademark lifeguard outfit poolside for Colonial Athletic Association swimming events! We might even haveta’ put a poster of her up in our bedroom!
The whole CFB naming rights thing is outta’ control! In fact, with the naming rights issue pushing the needle forward into previously uncharted levels of college pigskin, can we expect a field goal off the Fresh Step Upright inside the Lunesta End Zone on Booking. Com Field at Dunkin’ Stadium???!!! How ‘bout...”This post-game head coach’s dousing with an electrolytes sports drink is brought to you by the Rinvoq Gatorade Bucket!” In July, the Field at Bryant-Denny Stadium was named after Nick Saban. Okay, we can live with that. “Some football offense “moves the Miracle Grow.Com Fertilizer yard-sticks.” “This first game-whistle is sponsored by ....”. In August, Star musician Pitbull finalized an agreement with officials at Florida International University to rebrand Riccardo Silva Stadium in Miami as “Pitbull Stadium” and will produce stadium anthem. In related news, Canadian band, Nickelback, out of Hanna, Alberta, will take over the moniker at Washington-Grizzly Stadium in Mizzoula, Montana. The Grizzlies will now charge onto the field to “Imma’ Tote the Rockstar” and “If Today Was Yer Last Game-Day"! Do we hear the Air B&B/A&W/Avon Coast Conference???!!!
If college football meets crab fishing vessels featured on “Deadliest Catch”, do we hear “Meanwhile 130 miles southeast of Dutch Harbor aboard the Summer Baylor...” or “Meanwhile, 205 miles northwest on the Time-Out Bandit...”
Ahead of the 2024 campaign, with “Neon Deion” at the helm for the Buffaloes, ESPN’s Heather Dinich asserted Colorado has become akin to “Hollywood”. We wondered, if at the end of da’ Buffs first season back in the Big 12, if it would be more like “Bollywood”, “Dollywood” or “Follywood”!
Texas Tech fans are notorious fer tossing tortillas on the field during home games and did so before the first snap of the Red Raiders contest vs. Colorado in early November. Coach Prime said, “they throwing everything but my mama at me.” Perhaps the Sanders matriarch should consider taking additional security measures for subsequent treks to Lubbock! Meanwhile, eventual Heisman winner Travis Hunter stuffed one of the flour-based flatbreads down the pants of his uniform. Not sure if he was saving it for a halftime snack, was just cold or the equipment manager failed to provide an athletic supporter while the player was dressing out. Hunter went on to grab nine catches for 99 yards and a TD. Vindy plans to adopt a similar strategy fer da’ next time he visits da’ sportsbook!
During the preseason, Eastern Michigan introduced “Crosby Field” (at Rynearson Stadium) after now-Raiders' stand-out defender Maxx Crosby and his wifey granted a cool mil to his college institution in Ypsilanti. Having grown-up in the 70’s, we caught the headline and thought the dedication was the namesake of David Crosby of “Crosby, Stills and Nash” and expected the Eagles to exit the tunnels to the sounds of “Jet-Sweep Judy Blue Eyes”, “Coach Yer Children” or “Just a Song Before I Throw”! Even the PA announcer got confused at first, thinkin’ the turf-in-question was about Bing Crosby and initially accompanied the team’s entrance with rousing versions of “White Christmas” and “Just A Gigolo”!
If a Eurythmics hit meets a football team proficient at kicking field goals (or even a hoops team excellent at shooting from beyond the arc), do we hear “Sweet dreams are made of threes...!
In August, Travis Kelce bought into partial ownership of a racehorse named “Swift Delivery”. Vindy spies have spotted the Chiefs tight-end riding the equine while pulling its mane and shouting “Who’s yer jockey?! Who’s yer jockey??!!” (Yeah, yeah...save the hate-mail fer someone who cares!)
Nicholas Cage was given the nod to star as the very-animated former head coach and TV personality in “Madden”. Also in the works are plans for the actor to portray the former San Diego Chargers coach, credited with the implementation of the “vertical passing attack”, who after serving prison time, hops a plane toward freedom in “Con Air Coryell”. The script reportedly calls for Cage to reference an easy basketball shot, quipping “Put the ‘bunny’ back in the box.” and note “There’s only two linemen I trust. One of ‘em’s me, and the other’s not you.” No word as to whether or not Cage will reprise his role in a remake of “Leaving the Las Vegas Raiders”!
How do NFL coaches decide who’s obligated to hold the ball on the tee for kickoffs when deemed necessary? Slowest guy on the team? Pissed off an assistant during practice that week? Draw straws? Low number when cutting a deck of playing cards? Paper, scissors, rock? How does a college player even prove himself worthy of being the potential “12th man” on special teams come the NFL Draft?!!!!! (Can’t wait to watch that stellar game-film during the Combine!!!)
A July headline read, “Pat Sajak Pulls a ‘Tom Brady”, Set to Return as ‘Celebrity Wheel of Fortune Host’. The originally-reporting news outlet published erratum the next day, stating it was the GOAT quarterback taking over game-show duties while Sajak was would suit-up and be under center fer the Buccaneers!
Elon Musk earlier this season, said he’d “rather break my leg than see Taylor Swift during an NFL game.” Secretary on the phone to his office: “Mr. Musk, there’s a ‘Travis Kelce’ and some of his really big friends here to see you.”
Patrick Mahomes’ pet pit bull is called “Steel” because spouse Brittany was once a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Previously cheering Carolina in the past, the dog’s moniker coulda’ been “Pant”! Similarly, if Brittany had followed Miami’s team, the name mighta’ been “Dolph”, as in Lundgren, who played Russian boxer Ivan Drago in “Rocky IV”. If the missus backed the Oakland-Now-Vegas club, the canine might go by “Raid” (as in the bug spray) or even “Falco”, of one-hit wonder fame with “Rock Me, Amadeus”, had she loyally worn an Atlanta jersey!
In May, the KC Chief’s Travis Kelce unexpectedly garnered himself a prominent role on a forthcoming FX horror series called “Grotesquerie”. Kelce was also set to host a spinoff of “Are You Smarter Than a 5th-Grader?” called “Are You Smarter Than a Celebrity”? (premiere date TBD at the time). Frankly, we woulda’ preferred the star tight-end returned to his roots at University of Cincinnati and facilitated something closer to “Are Ya’ Smarter Than a 5th-Stringer" with correct answers to include such Taylor Swift song titles as “Blank Tackle-in-Space", “We Are Never Ever Getting Cornerback Together”, “Tug McGraw” (only fans of the late 60’s NY Mets or 70’s fans of the Philadelphia Phillies will know that reference!), “Wild Cardigan Playoff Game”, and “You Need to Calm (Fourth-) Down"!!!!
Kelce also let it be known far-and-wide (receiver?) that he was wanting parts in other silver-screen flicks. Would love to see him as the star in any given movie of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” series, just to hear him quip, “This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught a pass intended for Captain Jack Sparrow”. Or responding to Commodore Norrington’s assertion “You are without a doubt the worst tight-end I’ve ever heard of” with “But you have heard of me!”
At an April event, costing $3600 to attend, Tom Brady was accused of spoiling collectibles with haphazard signatures (eventually dubbed as “Hancockgate”). Said an unhappy collector, “This something a 4-year-old would do.” (Brady’s crayons were taken away after that one!). But true enough, the G.O.A.T. “made his mark” rather than providing his true autograph or at least his “TB12” initials. An investigation revealed staffers for Tom Terrific intentionally drained ink from his Sharpie in order to reduce the value of those who would try to resell the goods in their memorabilia shops or on EBay!
Not long before last Spring’s NFL Draft, the Denver Broncos unveiled their first new duds in a quarter-century. Dubbed the “Mile-High Collection”. Ten fresh uni combos featured various color schemes and shapes, but we’re thinkin’ addition of airplane logos coulda’ named it the “Mile-High Club Collection”!
Back in March, Aaron Rodgers and Jesse Ventura found themselves on RFK Jr.’s “short-list” for Vice President partner. Rodgers campaigned on the benefits of sensory-deprivation platform, while Ventura, a former professional wrestler, dominated pre-election debates by simply whacking opponents with a folding chair and, ironically, stood on his digitally altered victory over Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie-adaptation of Stephen King’s “The Running Man”!!!!
Former Iggles center, Jason Kelce, having an admitted habit of misplacing his Super Bowl ring, plunged it into a pool of chili at the University of Cincinnati as part of a planned event in which contestants were charged with locating lookalikes of his 2018 Big Game digit decor. The real jewelry vanished in the mix and is now assumed to be in a Tri-State landfill. There is no truth to the rumor that a Wendy’s customer discovered the missing bling attached to a severed finger in a container of said-side and is preparing to sue the fast-food giant.
Last year, Green Day, headlining the EA Sports Super Bowl 58 Party and the Madden Bowl at the House of Blues agreed to perform on February 9, about 48 hours prior to da’ Big Game, because it “Don’t Wanna’ Be a Game-Day Idiot”, along with “21 Shotguns Formation” and “Mid-American Idiot Conference the Beautiful”
In August, the Las Vegas Raiders set-up a mini basketball hoop over the trash-can in da’ Raiders’ training camp locker room last August, generatin’ a good-natured though serious competitiveness among the players, especially on the stop-unit. Vin did likewise in his forecasting-headquarters man-cave around the same time and added a 1976 Super-Jock Basketball player as well. Vin buried an extraordinary consecutive number of fast-food wrappers, Gatorade bottles, Mickey D’s french-fries cartons and Juicy-Juice boxes, gettin’ the shooter's roll, bankin’-in a few and even drawin’ nuthin’ but net into the waste-paper basket, earning him a few snaps with the silver-and-black first-string D. The fab forecaster practiced his assignment off, spurring teammates to go all Rudy and offer up their jerseys to then-coach Josh McDaniels to get Vindicator on da’ the live-fire field. McDaniels compromised, permitting Vindicator to participate in passing drills alongside quarterbacks Jimmy Garoppolo and Aiden Hill throwing footballs 40-yards downfield into a trash can. Garoppolo hit one of three tries, Hill hit two of three, bouncing the third off the rim. With no pigskins left in his vicinity, Vin wadded up several hardcopies of his weekly picks and delivered them right into the bottom of the aluminum garbage container, triggering a massive celebration among his defensive peers on the sideline!
Congrats to Alma Mater HC James Franklin who made this season’s Dodd Trophy watch list back in July. The award is given to the best I-A college gridiron program coach based on “importance of scholarship, leadership and integrity alongside on-field success”. Franklin is just one of four of the current 18 Big Ten coaches to get that nod. The only other Penn State coach to win the honor in the past was JoePa.
If a Discovery Channel program about crab-fishing meets basketball- is it called “Deadliest Catch-and-Shoot"???!!!!
’BOOKS IMPLEMENT CHANGES BASED ON MLB DATA COLLECTED THROUGH COMPLETION OF 2024 FALL CLASSIC
LAS VEGAS, Nevada (UPI)...Utilizing information gleamed from this Fall’s World Series, casino operators have installed pick clocks at the betting counter. If da’ bookie is not ready, line moves full-10% point in favor of bettor. Conversely, if the bettor is not ready to place the wager, the line moves full-”dime” in favor of the house (multiple same-game infractions allow the bookie to change the wager to whatever he/she wants!). Rule-change now prohibits ‘book from moving three ticket-writers to same window as Vindicator approaches. (Bookies took full advantage of previous overloading of the right-side sending three ticket-writers to a single betting-window when Vin approached! [Even though the Fab Forecaster is a right-handed bettor!), forcing books to keep two counter-attendants on either side of the book. New regs reduce wait-times to get to the counter.
BTW, “This first look around da’ diamond” is brought to you by Domino’s/Little Caesar's (‘Pick-Off, Pick-Off'!). Boston Red Sox likened them to be “a pizza box”...to which we say... “Better ingredients, better bases...Papa John’s!” Home-field GRAs/ Center would be tasked to “groom” the diamond to keep bettors’ bunts outside da’ lines-of-play.
Much hubbub was made following Jonathan Yeo’s entirely-red depiction of King Charles III in May. His Majesty was painted sporting his medals, grasping a sword and entertaining a butterfly over his shoulder. While the preponderance of the hue-in-question amassed many opinions for and against the artistic endeavor, Yeo suggested the painting was a tribute, as such, to Charles’ time as a regimental colonel with the Welsh Guards, starting in 1975. Conspiracy theorists asserted the piece not-so-subtly represents the king’s loyalty to English Premiere League squads Arsenal, Liverpool FC and Manchester U., all whose uniform colors are primarily shades of red! College football fans in Las Vegas and Columbus, Ohio believe the pic is a brushstroke or two away from being “scarlet-and-Dorian Gray” and thus a royal nod toward the UNLV Rebels and/or the Ohio State Buckeyes! Meanwhile, commensurate with the mythical oil-based portrayal, Charles will retain his boyish features of physical youth while the canvas portrayal shows him constantly aging!
In early November, a 74’ Norway Spruce arrived in Rockefeller Center and would be adorned with brightly-colored bulbs and ornaments inscribed with predictions from Vindy’s Week 12 forecast!
We leave our loyal readership with our traditional Irish blessing...”May the road ‘dog rise up to beat you.” (Sumthin’ like that!)
Air Forecast One has gone “wheels-up” (possibly fer the last time. In the words of “Cougar” in the opening scenes of the original Top Gun...”I’ve lost the edge.”) We’ve been at it in one form or another since 1994. May be time to hang up the forecasting cleats, but stay tuned to our home page. We might weigh-in periodically with our commentary on games of all kinds, college or pro.
Be happy, be healthy, be da’ ball.
We leave the loyal readership with our annual Irish blessing...”May the road ‘dog rise up to beat you!” (Sumthin’ like that.)
Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to challenge a local 5th Grade champion in the “Punt, Pass and Kick” competition and then shoot some suggestive videos for our OnlyCeilingFans.com website!!
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