Vindy's Picks is a semi-serious, semi-tongue-in-cheek forecast of the weekly AP Top 25 college football teams against the Las Vegas pointspread. It's all in good fun and I apologize in advance to anyone taking offense...just trying to make it a bit entertaining. The "news stories" are, of course, bogus...but see what fun ya can have with current events!? It's just a hobby, I'm not a "professional" with a mystical mathematical formula to predict winners! Enjoy!
New York (ITAR-TASS)…Lost in the recent plethora of player misadventures was the outrage
following off-season revelation of the NFL’s “jiggle test” for cheerleaders. Commissioner
Roger Goodell and league officials say critics are wrong and it’s really the
“Gigli” test, in which teams test cheerleaders’ endurance by measuring how long
they can suffer through the Ben Affleck box-office bomb! In addition, the women
must be pet-friendly and pass muster with Dr. Evil’s cat , ie. the“Mr.
Bigglesworth test”! Further vetting of candidates requires ongoing mental
health assessments mandating the pom-pom squads submit to the “Sybil test”!
(The real cause behind the elevator-fight between Jay-Z and Beyonce)
fans wanting admission to the “Dog Pound” must pass the “Kibble test”!
The Nifty Lions host Northwestern this week. Last
Spring, the National Labor Relations Board ruled N-Dub players could unionize.
In April, scholarship players cast secret ballots whether or not to give the
formal okay to be represented by the College Athletes Players Association
(which if named College Athletes Players Organization,
woulda’ had the Wildcats being supported by the…CAPO!). Those votes remain
sealed until further notice as the school fights unionization.Meanwhile, we predict Coach Jimmy
Hoffa will lead the Northwestern Teamsters outta’ da’ tunnel this week then
mysteriously-disappear at halftime! The interim coach will, of course, be Jack
Lawrence’s Playbook.Com strategy of wagering on bowl teams
from the previous season that drop their first two games SU, then win Game
Three outright and host their Game
Four opponent went 2-0 again as Vandy (+21)
and Wazzou (+23 ½) both covered nicely in that role vs. South Carolina and
Steve Spurrier’s at it
again, bashin’ the Aggies’ slate. Last
time he did that, the Ol’ Ball Coach and his players got their Gamecocks
cleaned! Super Steve better hope his team and A&M don’t collide again for
the SEC Championship in December.
The Sochi Olympics mascot was dubbed “Nightmare
Bear”. Ted meets Chucky?!
In related news, Team USA’s honorary curling
team-captain in Sochi, 49ers TE Vernon Davis, drew some comparisons between the
sport-in-question and golf. Sure, why not. Every golfer hand-rolls a ball
toward the hole and has a pair of helpers with brooms, sweeping a path along
the green to the cup or to knock an opponent’s ball out of scoring range,
Pa. (UPI)…Lambasted in the media for, then admitting to, leaving a 20-cent gratuity
for a server on a burger-joint tab for over $60, Eagles RB LeSean McCoy has decided
to pursue a rap music career, going by the name “Twenty Cent”. Plans are
already underway to join forces with Curtis Jackson AKA “Fifty-Cent” on a nationwide
concert tour called “Seventy Cent On Da’ Dollah”! McCoy may also get to throw
out the first pitch of a Major League Baseball playoff game. Hopefully, it’ll
be less than half as bad as Fifty Cent’s was. Asked about his soon-to-be
co-star’s claim of being reportedly shot nine times, McCoy stated has never
suffered a bullet wound, but “did take
nine snaps from the shotgun formation
during preseason practices” in Philly’s rendition of the Wildcat!
spies say before leaving the restaurant, the beleaguered running back took the twenny pennies and threw them in the air
to “make it rain”!
UNLV took first-place in the Victoria Secret Pink
Nation “Craziest Campus Showdown” last week. The prize is still under wraps for
now, but the looks on the Rebel’s football players’ faces when dozens of
frilly, lacy, pink underthings are delivered to the locker room will be
Back in Week One, we noted the Marc Lawrence’s Playbook.Com strategy of wagering on bowl teams
from the previous season who drop their first two games SU, then win Game Three
outright and host their Game Four
opponent. The first three weeks of 2014 have eliminated all but two of the
possible contenders, but the remaining teams meeting the criteria are…Vanderbilt
and Washington State. Da’ Commodores are gettin’ 21vs. the South Carolina Gamecocks
and Wazzou’s taking 23 vs. the Mallards of Oregon. Vandy looks absolutely lost
without coach James Franklin (now at Vindy’s alma mater) and the Ducks could be
bankin’ on the perceived strength of conference to blaze the path to the Final
Four, but a bye week’s comin’ up after this one and style-points won’t hurt.
Our choices? Bet on the Admirals, pass on the Coogs, who’ve lost by 15, 25 and 24
the last three years.
The NCAA has cut a deal with “Star Wars” merchandise
to provide movie-themed apparel for its colleges. Keep an eye out in your fave campus
bookstores for shirts, hoodies, PJs, etc. featuring such things as…”These
aren’t the draw-plays you’re looking for.”, “Use the Air Force, Luke!”, Auburn coach Darth
Malzahn, Bowling Green (or Air Force) Millennium
Falcons, Rutgers Scarlet Jedi Knights, Texas Tech Red Tusken Raiders and of course, Rebel
Bases of Ole Miss and UNLV!
We thank Northern Illinois (-10 ½) and Nebraska (-11
½) for covering at UNLV and Fresno State, respectively, thus letting us cash
our first parlay ticket on the season!
ATS runs and skids thru Week Three (with three lined
games): 3-0: Weeziana Tech, Ole Miss and UTEP; 0-3: Fresno State, Kent State,
UCLA and Vandy!
This just in…Seminoles QB Jameis Winston earned
himself the right to spend the first thirty minutes of game-time vs. Clemson on the pine for spouting an obscene
phrase while standing atop a table in the student union. We have a two-word
prediction for Winston’s future as an NFL quarterback…Ryan Leaf(or maybe even Art Schlicter!)
The faux-fainting ploy used by Arkansas State on
special teams vs. Miami was reportedly run in practice, but we think Booker
Mays accidentally made eye-contact with George Clooney, who was on the ASU
sidelines reprising his role from “The Men Who Stare at Goats”!!!
With the Seattle Super Bowl victory well-in-hand at
the end of the second quarter last February, QB Russell Wilson actually took
the halftime stage and lip-synched the Bruno Mars tunes alongside the Red Hot
Chili Peppers (anybody else out note the irony in said-band playin’ “Give It
Away” following the Broncos efforts to do just that in the first 30 minutes of
the game?!). Meanwhile, the scheduled performer/pop star actually suited up and
was under center the rest of the way for the Seahawks!
Multiple-choice question…Commish Roger Goodell says
the league didn’t see the Ray Rice video in a timely manner because a) the VHS
tape was actually sent to now-defunct Blockbuster
Video to be rewound first b) the league doesn’t subscribe to Netflix! or c) the audio-visual intern
had been on a leave-of-absence and nobody else at NFL Headquarters knew how to
make the DVD-in-question fit the league’s Beta-Max
And finally…On da’ Billboard One-Hunnert…football meets DJ Snake & Lil’ Jon in a
tune called…“Turned-Over On Downs Fer What?!!!”
LAKE CITY, Utah (BBC)…Over the summer, officials at Utah revamped
the Utes’ fight song lyrics from “man” to “fan” to avoid the appearance of
being sexist. In a show of solidarity, other musicians and record companies have
since followed suit, leading to such title alterations as… “Soul Fan” by the Blues Brothers, “Secret
Agent Fan”- Johnny Rivers, “Tax Fan”- Beatles, “Mr. Tambourine Fan”- Bob Dylan, “When a Fan Loves a Woman”- Percy Sledge, “Iron Fan”- Black Sabbath, “Back Door Fan”-
The Doors, “Piano Fan”- Billy Joel,
“Rocket Fan”- Elton John, “Southern Fan”- Neil Young, “Old Fan”- also Neil Young, “Sharp Dressed Fan”- ZZ Top, “Fan in the Mirror”- Michael Jackson, “When I Was Your Fan”- Bruno Mars, “Macho Fan”- Village People, “The Fan in Black”- Johnny Cash, “What a Fan”- Salt N Pepa, “Stand By Your Fan”- Tammy Wynette, and of course, “Walk
Like a Fan”- Frankie Valle. In fact…
zoos, fruit stands and fashion shops now feature fanatees, fandarin oranges
and fannaquins, respectively.
We apologize to our loyal readership looking for our
usual slate of game predictions, but we have taken back-to-back poor outings
that left us at 8-20 overall and 1-7 on “best bets” through the first two weeks
of the 2014 campaign as a sign that the college football pantheon, or the
powers of the universe it represents, wants us to take a break. So be it. The
picks are on sabbatical until next August (unless we decide to give the bowls a go) so we can recalibrate the
abacus and the slide-rule we generally use to formulate our ATS selections.
Meanwhile, we’ll continue to post stuff weekly that would normally show up as a
lead “news story” or at least in…
BTW, even international sports leagues are hopping
on the Utah bandwagon, including English soccer stalwart… Fanchester United!
Following the act of Johnny Football, Texas A&M’s new gunslinger at QB prefers the
nickname…“Can He Drill”?!...What’d he say???!!!
Upset alert…FCS #3 SE Louisiana @ TULANE (no line).
Lions are 2-0 after pounding a Southern Utah team that trailed UNR by just 8
points midway thru the 3rd Quarter…at Reno…and ultimately lost by
Bo Pelini led his Huskers onto the field before the Nebraska
Spring Game, while holding up his cat skyward
in an apparent homage to the Lion King.
The stadium-operator misunderstood the NU coach’s subsequent request to play
“Hakuna Matata” and instead blasted Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” over
the PA system! Not to be out-done, the Big Red baseball coach requested the
playing of “On-Deck Circle of Life”
and “Glove Lies Bleeding” as his
squad took the diamond in its next
Ahead of the AFC Championship contest last January,
Patriots kicker Gostkowski would not reveal the song he uses as the soundtrack
to a video-mash-up of some of his important FGs, which he creates and watches
while prepping for the game each week. Given the mental state usually
attributed to players at his position, the tune-in-question was probably
something done by Weird Al Yankovic!
Around that same timeframe, Pope Francis selected 19
new cardinals. Later that month, the pontiff took turns helping Deion Sanders
and Jerry Rice choose players for their respective Pro Bowl squads under the
new non-denominational format!
In February, 5000 single-serve containers of Chobani yogurt, a sponsor of the U.S.
Olympic team, didn’t make it to Sochi for the Winter Games, instead remaining
in New Jersey, due to some Russian dairy-product public-health standards snafu!
Opponents blamed Chris Christie for that
log-jam too! Clearly, the concern was terrorists were smuggling explosives that
would’ve detonated when athletes stirred the fruit at the bottom of each cup!
Colorado (REUTERS)…Much ado was made over Peyton Manning’s
use of the word “Omaha” at the line of scrimmage, reportedly captured in a
league video-compilation as many as 44 times, in his team’s January playoff win
over the San Diego Chargers. Players on both sides, however, revealed the star
QB was actually shouting the expression of shock and bewilderment, “Omigawd!
Omigawd!” after looking over the defense!
BTW, CB-radio aficionados will of course remember
Manning as the voice of “Rubber Duck’ in the song “Convoy”…”Yeah, 10-4, Big
Ben…what’s yer 20?...Omaha?!...Well,
they ought to know what to do with them hogs out there fer sure…”
A horrendous 3-12 (.200) outta’ the gate had us
quickly contemplating closing up shop and takin’ the rest of the season off,
but we’ve Picasso’d ourselves up off
da’ canvas and hope for better results from…
WEBER KID’S 2014 WEEK 2 FORECAST
as a Sochi Olympics half-pipe!)
@ #1 FLORIDA STATE: No line.
Atlantic (+40) over #2 ALABAMA: Mounties’ 100-yard
kick-off return for a score in the Second Quarter sounds like several
’Bamaspecial-teams scholarships being vacated.Owls gave up almost 500 rushing yards on fitty-seven carries in
blowout loss to Nebraska and now fly into Tuscaloosa, facing Tide team that saw
RBs Yeldon and Henry each clear 100 yards on the ground vs. West Virginia. Yep,
that’s gonna’ leave a bruise…Tide 48
Michigan State (+12 ½) over #3 OREGON: UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK #1. LOCK OF DA’
WEEK. We’ll put more stock in Spartans’ 45-7 win over
then-FCS #8 Jacksonville State team than in Ducks hanging 62 on AA South Dakota
squad. Mallards QB Mariota warrants his Heisman-talk, but Sparty closed last
year with underdog SU wins over Ohio State and Stanford. Ducks are crapshoots
as home-chalk. One of Oregon’s defeats last season came at the hands of
defensive-stalwart Stanford. Double-digits just too-good to pass up with State…
MSU 27 Quack Attack 24
Oklahoma (-24 ½) over TULSA: Sooners 44 Tulsa 16
AUBURN (-31) over San Jose State: Tigers 44 SJSU 9
Georgia: IDLE (next @ South Carolina)
OHIO STATE (-12) over Virginia Tech: State’s 17-point win
over Navy is misleading. We watched the game. Middies were in it until the last
8 or 9 minutes. While the rushing attack is obviously Navy’s MO, the Ensigns
gashed the Buckeyes run-D for long-gainers on several occasions. QB JT Barrett did improve as the game went on in place
of Braxton Miller. A missed 36-yard FG cost us the forecast win last week, but
considering a number of calls by the
replay official favoring the Boat People, we won’t complain too loud. Buckeyes are just 8-7 ATS at
Da’ Shoe the past seasons, but should fare better vs. a more-traditional
offense this week…State 29 Hokies 12
@ #9 TEXAS A&M: No line.
State @ #10 BAYLOR: No line.
(+24) over #11 UCLA: Bruins
D did the heavy-lifting last week in Virginia, scoring three TDs on three
turnovers, with UCLA offense not hittin’ the scoreboard until the final 90
seconds of the game…UCLA 35 Tigers 24
Houston State @ #12 LSU: No line.
STANFORD (-3) over #14 Southern Cal: Just prior to last
week’s opener vs. Fresno State, Trojans DB Josh Shaw fessed up that his story
about his high-ankle sprains resulted from leaping off a balcony to save his drowning nephew was…horse
hockey! The exact details of his actual fall from a balcony were not divulged,
but Vindy’s spies say Shaw had been watching Wrestlemania on TV and tried to emulatea “diving back elbow drop”. No turnbuckle was available, so he
improvised…landing a solid blow to the chest of his 7-year-old relative, but
bustin’ up his wheels in the process! Frankly, we’d be happy with a push, but
we’ll call it…Trees 24 Trojans 20
Mississippi (-20) over Vanderbilt (@ Atlanta, GA): Senior
QB Bo Wallace and his Rebels teammates overcame a sloppy INT-filled game (7
total combined) to beat Boise and notch one of our three correct picks in Week
One. Meanwhile, the NCAA and SEC dropped anchor on Vandy’s now-banned unis,
which proclaimed “Anchors Down” on the back in the midst of the Commodores’
embarrassing 30-point loss to improving-but-not-that-improved Temple. Ole Miss chalked up 387 passing yards but the
running game was absent and the Rebels have won just 6 of last 16 SEC contests.
Vandy’s got a new coach after losing James Franklin to Vindy’s alma-mater…Rebels
41 Vanderbilt 17
(+4 ½) over #16 NOTRE DAME: Despite the academic
drama, QB Golson carried the Leprechauns, literally, with three rushing scores,
and passed for a couple more in trashin’ Rice. Big Blew needs to figure out how
to put the close ones in the dubya-column, suffering 4 losses by 11 total
points last season and going 4-11-1 ATS in games decided by 7 or less the last
three years. Senior QB Devin Gardner avenged a much-publicized 2007 loss to
Appalachian State last week. Irish had won four straight (by 7 or less) until
UM’s 41-30 triumph in 2013… Leprechauns 27 UM 24
MEXICO (+26) over #17 Arizona State: Best guess for this
week’s “wish I had it back”. Lobos nearly rallied from 17-point halftime hole
vs. UTEP, using a strong running game (about 9 yards per carry), but
minus-three in turnover ratio didn’t help. New Mexico finally has a full
allotment of scholarship players, lotsa’ seniors and a third-year coach in Bob
Davie, though Lobos are down a couple key players…Pitchforks 38 UNM 20
Illinois @ #18 WISCONSIN: No line.
State @ #19 NEBRASKA: No line.
Kansas State (-12 ½) over IOWA STATE: ‘Clones, as we warned
in our Week One “upset alert”, were beaten by the reigning FCS triple-champion North
Dakota State Golden Bison...not just narrowly, but by almost three touchdowns…at home!! The Purple
Persians can relate. They were beaten 24-21 last year by those same Golden
Bison. Dust Devils return 10 on offense but just half as many on D. ‘Cats have
been money-makers for their backers the last three seasons and have won 7 of 8
games following an ugly first half of 2013…
Diego State (+15) over #21 NORTH CAROLINA: Tarheels 27
Carolina (+16 ½) over #22 SOUTH CAROLINA: Poultry’s youth
on defense showed badly in outright loss to A&M last week (and maybe…just maybe…the Ol’ Ball-Coach won’t give the
Pirates any disparaging sound-bites). SC RB Davis is doubtful fer this game.
Can’t quite pull the upset trigger on
ECU squad that’s been poor in road-dog mode, but points look worthy…KFC 34
State @ #23 CLEMSON: No line.
(+4 ½) over #24 Missouri: UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK #2. Rockets
31 Tigers 27
State @ #25 LOUISVILLE: No line.
Apparently, the volume of penalty-flags thrown for
pass interference and defensive holding under the new regulations was so
numerous during the NFL exhibition season that cheerleaders on both sidelines
of any given game were seen sewing quilts with the yellow hankies at halftime!
Come to think of it, referees who watched too much of da’ World Cup coverage
were awarding penalty-kicks for defensive infractions occurring inside da’
Having already suffered the egging of his truck last
year in the wake of a lost game (BTW, Justin
Bieber could not be reached for comment) and having his wheels set ablaze,
possibly intentionally, ahead of last Saturday’s game at Auburn, Arkansas QB
Brandon Allen was seen this week driving a tank
acquired from the FayettevilleNational
Replying to a media
question about UNLV-to-Arizona transfer Adonis Smith providing some intel about
the Rebels to his new team prior to their season openers in Tucson, UNLV coach
Bobby Hauck quipped, ”You are inferring that he was paying attention while he was here.” Given the Wildcats’ 58-13
victory, apparently, yes…yes, he was!
Eastern Michigan players struggled, while wielding
sledgehammers, to knock down a concrete wall to get to their sideline in their
opener last Saturday. “Mr. Gabriel…Mr.
Peter Gabriel…to the white
courtesy-phone, please!” We think there’s a Miley Cyrus Wreckin’ Ball parody comin’! On top of it, Eagles squeaked past AA
Morgan State 31-28. Will enlist Kool-Aid
to lead them onto the field this week! Might help bolster attendance too!
New signage in the Michigan State Spartans’ locker
room misspelled “accurate” after omitting the second “c”. We realize MSU ain’t
Harvard, Yale, Duke, Stanford or even Northwestern, but we an’t help but wonder
whih Mihigan State uarterbak will line-up under enter and help his team hit the
soreboard vs. the Duks this week!
In addition to aforementioned ISU Cyclowns, we put
several other teams on upset-alert
against their FCS opponents last week. None of those fell outright, though
Montana lost just 17-12 at Wyoming and Mizzou pulled away late from South
Dakota State. Other final scores of note from Week One
include…Bethune-Cookman’s 14-12 win over Florida International, NC State 24-23
over I-A newcomer Ga. Southern, Syracuse 27-26 (in double OT) over Villanova, Central
Michigan 20-16 over UT-Chattanooga, South Florida 36-31 over Western Carolina,
Iowa 31-23 over Northern Iowa and Texas Tech 42-35 over Central Arkansas!
This week on Upset Alert…Eastern Washington @
WASHINGTON(No line). The UDUB
defense hung on for the last 12 minutes to preserve 17-16 victory for
an ineffective Huskies offense at Hawaii. Sled Dogs do return starting quarterback Cyler Miles from suspension fer this
one, but still, the E-DUB Eagles are #2 in the FCS Poll this week…
With team captains for Super Bowl 48 at midfield for
the start of the game, Joe Namath prematurely tossed the coin. Kudos to referee
Terry McCauley for jumping the route and picking off the ceremonial currency
before it hit the ground. McCauley subsequently bolted down the left sideline
to the end zone, but was ruled outta’ bounds at the five. The officiating crew
would, however, go on to score the first of several touchdowns vs. the Broncos.
During the Sochi Games, snowboard athletes complained
about bumpy, deteriorating conditions of the Olympic halfpipe (though
competitors from Washington and Colorado noted “a half-pipe is better than no
Shirt: PSU kicker Sam Fickin for his last-second FG in
Ireland, leading to the alma-mater’s win and cover over Central Florida…and one
of Vindy’s “best bet” dubyas!
I Had That One Back”: We wish we had damn-near any selection we made in Week One back,
but we specifically said we were “not comfy”
layin’ the limber with ‘Bama over West Virginia!
in a Box?”: We open 1-0 (1.000) on the year as Ole
Miss put the hurt on Boise last Thursday! One of the few highlights of Week One
Talk: The Gamecocks (0-1 season, 3-9, .250 skid back to
last year) host the season-opening of Ye
Olde Taxidermy Shoppe…not only failing to cover -10 ½ vs. A&M, but
having their tail-feathers handed to ‘em by the Aggies Fresno State was
actually 1-7 (.125) headin’ into the 2014 campaign and hosed us again to start
the year. Last year’s Flame-Throwers…‘Bama,
Oklahoma, Clemson… also hit us (but so did damn-near everybody on the slate
Week 2 Best Bets: Last
Week: 1-3Season: 1-3 (.250)
JOJA’ STATE -1 over New Mexico State, NORTHWESTERN -7
over Northern Illinois, Akron +14 over PENN STATE, Colorado State +11 over