Sunday, January 06, 2019
‘NET GOES BONKERS OVER CELEB BACKSIDES
NEW YORK, New York (FOX)…Twitter-users blew-up #BaDonkaDonk after fans at Madonna’s surprise New Year’s Eve-performance at the local Stonewall Inn noticed a little extra restructured junk-in-the-Material Girl's-trunk, leading to speculation about butt-implants. Meanwhile, some 2500-miles west, fellow-bettors in a local sportsbook took notice of similar modifications to the Vegas Vindicator’s punter-like posterior, spurring at least one patron to take to social-media and sarcastically suggest the famous forecaster had acquired “butt-fumble”-implants, referencing Mark Sanchez’s infamous turnover that was returned for a score by the Patriots on Thanksgiving 2012!
Donning Sons of Da’ Harpy headgear (Game of Thrones fans will know that reference) in preparation for our appearance on “The Masked Singer”, we leave ya ponderin’…
THE WEBER KID’S 2018-2019 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP PREDICTION
(Sponsored by Tostitos and still getting “Van Dammed”!)
#1 Alabama vs. #2 Clemson (@ Santa Clara, CA) (“under 58 ½): Ugggghhh!!! Third time in four seasons we’re relegated to watch Bama-Clemson line-up for the National Title and 4th consecutive pairing of these two in non-conference play. Frankly...we’re bored. Trevor Lawrence had a great year for Clemson, but we think Nick Saban will have plenty of disguises and surprises for the true frosh on the biggest stage of his life. ‘Bama’s plus-eight in TO-margin. Tigers not far-behind at plus-five. CU has thrown only six picks. Lawrence needs to protect the ball and be conservative. In previous iterations, the aforementioned coach has taken a few unexpected chances. Gotta’ figure Dabo Swinney will have a couple trick-plays at-the-ready here. Sooners played no D, so not flabbergasted by track-meet-win by Elephants there, however, here...“Pretense...er...defense...wins championships!”. We're counting on the D’s to keep the opposing offenses quiet... Pachyderms 29 Clemson 20
2018-19 BOWL RECAP
The chalk would jump outta’ da’ gate en fuego, winning and covering 9 of the initial 14 games (with one push), but it was puppy-city the rest of the way as underdogs won ATS in 17 of the remaining 24 to-date, victorious outright in a dozen contests altogether! Totals went 9-4 “under” between 12/26 and 12/30 and would go 19-18 overall (with one push). We found ourselves constantly behind-the-chains, completing only Part I above-board at 7-6-1, but XXX would ultimately-relegate us to a below-.500 finish 9currently 17-20-1, .459). At 14-18-1 entering New Year’s Day, we had a shot to not only end the bowl-season even, but maybe one-game better than fitty-fitty, but the Buckeyes epic 25-point 4th-Quarter collapse and failed-cover doomed us to a sub-.500 ending.
Our preferred-selections weren’t special. While “Lock of Da’ Bowls” Weeziana Tech (+1 ½) came through nicely in 17-point triumph over Hawai’i, our “best bets” went snooze-worthy 6-6 (.500).
Kudos to C-USA for the highest SU bowl winning-percentage at .667, taking four of six. The Mountain Guest conference could’ve equaled that with a victory in the First Responder Bowl, but Boise State’s game vs. Boston College was cancelled by Mother Nature! On the opposite end of the spectrum, the Not-MAC-Daddy conference was essentially a no-show at 1-5 (.167).
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, Vindy was simply sporting his extra-large Depends! But recognizing Vindicator’s penchant for yards-after-contact, supporters are queuing-up Six-A-Lot's “Baby Got YAC”!
We recently caught an Internet headline reading “Alabama QB Bringing Over 400 Family Members to Title Game”. But enuff about his offensive-line!
Last Spring, a selfless-guide saved newlyweds from a charging elephant in South Africa's Kruger National Park on a hiking safari, halting the violent-advance...three times...with shouts and a raised hand. Clemson kept said-guide on retainer and will employ him vs. ‘Bama as personal-protector for the punter!
For aficionados of Monty Python & the Holy Grail...”you can’t be King of your Boca Raton Bowl just because some watery Cheribundi Tart throws a sword at you!”
The low turnout to watch the PAC-12 Championship Game was described by Donald Trump as “second-only to the numbers that attended (his) own inauguration!”
The Ndamukong Suh eye-poking of Larry Fitzgerald incident was dismissed by the Cardinals WR as “friends Jadeaveon Clowneying-around". Ironically, the Texans DE-in-question got his wallet lightened by more than $40K shortly-thereafter for an illegal hit on Iggles QB Nick Foles! Subsequently, Vindy would innocently invoke the Three Stooges and repeat the action with a local bookie, resulting in his immediate 86 from the property by security!
Broadcasters during the MNF Saints-Panthers game referred to Taysom Hill as the “Swiss-Army Knife” of the team. Those same play-by-play guys later called Vindy the “Swiss-Miss of the forecasting-world”!
Gayle Benson, owner of the Nawlin’s Saints and Pelicans made hundreds of families happy by paying-off lay-away accounts at the local Wally-World stores. Vindy’s spies note she also paid-off referees to support da’ Saints, Pelicans and Tulane Green Wave sports teams!
Drew Brees, having surpassed the NFL passing-yardage milestone this season, sent customized-pigskins to every receiver who caught a pass and every lineman who pass-blocked for him en route. Likewise, Vindicator provided individually-autographed parlay cards to the teams that helped him cash sports-bets...all seven of ‘em!
A decision to cut-a-rug in the Giants locker room cost WR Jawill Davis the rest of the season upon dislocating his knee. Adding insult-to-injury, a referee who witnessed the dance flagged the pass-catcher for “illegal celebration”!
Ahead of the title-game, Vindy’s takin’ on the whole “#BirdBoxChallenge” (as opposed to the “#Ironsides RaymondBurr’dBoxChallenge) , negotiating his way to the sportsbook blind-folded. We implore our loyal fans to keep the Tide-Pods outta’ our reach along da’ way!
Black Shirt: The prestigious-pullover goes to Oklahoma State safety Kolby Peel for shoestring tackle that forced Mizzou to turn the ball over on downs with a minute left in Cowpokes 38-33 win. preserving our call of “under 74”!
Shoppe Talk: With 32-point demise vs. Wisky, Tempest-in-a-Teapot Miami falls to 0-8 (.000). Again, THE NOhio State’s blown-cover drops them to 4-9 (.308). On the plus-side...Auburn, Central Florida, LSU and Syracuse posted forecast-dubyas to go 8-2 (.800), 8-3 (.727), 8-4 (.667) and 6-1 (.857), respectively!
Vindy’s Bowl Recap Best Bets: Part III: 2-2 Bowl Season: 6-6 (.500)
First Score of the Game Anything Other Than a TD (+260).
LEFTOVER HASH (Yes, we know that’s redundant. Vindicator now conducts the yearly “emptying of the arsenal” and expends all the stuff he had at his disposal throughout the season that didn’t previously-find its way into the forecast...until now.)
Our suggestions for future certified post-season contests...Jack-in-da'-Box "Nice Bowls” Bowl, Fruit of Da’ Loom Everlight Bowl and the Toilet Duck Jiggle My Handle, Elmo Bowl! Do we hear the VIPoo Bowl, whose mascot would be South Park’s Mr. Hankie! Maybe the HBO “Game of Thrones” Winter is Coming Bowl? What about the “Don’t Use LYFT” Bowl Sponsored by UBER (or vice-versa!). Okay, one more than we promise we’ll stop...”’Da’ House That [Dr.] Ruth Buzzi Built” Pinstripe Bowl!
A June issue of Gaming Today noted there has been prior discussion of opening a sportsbook at local McCarran Airport. Can't wait for passengers having the opportunity to wager on on-time/late arrivals/departures, over/under on number of times the captain will turn on the seatbelt sign and props like will there be an emergency landing on your flight?
On February 2, 2018, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his hole and saw no shadow, predicting six more weeks of the NCAA tournament!
Kansas college-sports meets classic NFL coach... “Rock Chalk, Don Strock!”
Spiderman meets CFB...."With great Power Five comes great responsibility."
If "Family Matters" meets an Indiana Hoosiers loss, would we hear Steve Urkel quip..."Did I-U do thaaaaaaaaat??!!"
Game of Thrones meets football...Vindicator stands-behind Jon Snow...the King of Da' North Carolina, North Dakota, North Dakota State, Northern Illinois!
AC/DC's Big Ten Grinch Record/Christmas- “If I can’t find a good line, I’ll make-up a spread”; If Vindy’s Picks meets Dr. Seuss lyrics from Green Eggs & Ham…We'll make the picks without some booze, we'll make the picks in Underoos
On Da’ Big Screen...an Arnold Schwarzenegger flick about religion meets the gridiron in..."Defensive End of Days". likewise...if Gronk stars in a re-make, is it..."Tight-End of Days"??!!! If Penn State & Detroit gridiron-squads meet the Shockers meet a Super Bowl half-time show miscue in..."Chronicles of Narnia: Da' Lions, Da' Wichita State and Da' Wardrobe-Malfunction"! If football meets a classic religion-based flick featuring mythological creatures..."The Never Tight-Ending Story". If football collided with country music, would we hear Guard Brooks sing "I got ends in lowwwwwww places...."? If a Dirty Harry sequel meets pigskin-turnover in..."Magnum Forced-Fumble". Michigan- ...Blue & Maize Runner: Da' Scotch Trials
On da’ small-screen...football meets Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan- "I have been...and always shall be...yer tight-end." Football meets Star Trek...."Locker room...energize."Halloween meets basketball- "Count Dracula...and one!" If a Kansas athlete appears on the Food Network cooking-program....will we hear cheerleaders yell..."Wok, Jock, Jayhawk!"????!!!
Helmet-cams are commonplace for skiers, snowboarders, surfers, rock-climbers and the like, to record their own runs and show them off later on social media. Vindy plans to get one to show his placing of bets in the sportsbook and cashing winning tickets while dodging in and out of seats while avoiding casino-security!
If a famous horse race meets Harry Potter character, would it be promoted as ..."The Kentucky ...Dobby??!!"
Following a step-back three in 3rd quarter of Game 3 of the May ‘18 Western Conference final vs. the Houston Rockets, Golden State Warriors' Stephen Curry screamed, "This is my f***ing house!" (drawing the ire of his mother, Sonya, who broke out the classic mouth-wash with soap response. Vindy recently called out "This is my *forecasting* house!", prompting casino bookmakers to wash Vindy's mouth out with soap-operas!
Last April, giving props to Michael Jordan for assisting him in his cocaine-addiction recovery, ex-NBA baller Lamar Odom launched Rich Soil Organics mary-jane products. Including a "Dr. *J*-special" . With apologies to Cheech & Chong..."no stems, no playoff-seeds that you don't need...Aculpulco Golden State Warriors issss....some bad-asssssss....weeeeed.". LA Roach-Clippers???!!!
With apologies to to the Patriots...we suggest the team-in-question lines-up at the Penn & Jillette Stadium
On popular tunage, we recommend Camila Cabello- My hard count's in Urbana with a Man-ning
Is it just us or does da’ April sketch of the goon in the Stormy Daniels' case looked like...Tom Brady?! Intimidate-Gate?! Also looked like Willem DaFoe!
About this time last year, rescued-dolphin, Nicholas, emerged from the water at Clearwater Marine Aquarium adjacent to a Pats pigskin, forecasting a New England victory in Super Bowl Fitty-Two!
A fan this time last year was arrested after punching a police horse at Eagles-Falcons game. 22-year-old was ejected because intoxicated and did not have a ticket, began punching horse. Sentenced to being drawn-and-1st Quartered! Cruelty to animals, assaulting police animal.
In May/June,yer humble host cheered-on the Vindy-Peg Jets in this year's Stanley Cup Playoffs!
Was it us, do any our fellow geeks out there think Vegas Golden Knights logo was reminiscent of Ariel's helmet in LOTR: Return of Da' King!
In May, Bruins Brad Marchand kissed/licked opponents. Broadcasters..."There's no 'licking' in hockey!"
Just into 2018, da’ Girthers Movement wanted Trump to stand on a scale (after reportedly posting a 236-lb tilt during first presidential physical). Fer inquiring-minds that wanna' know, the fab forecaster stands-in at 5-10 ¾" and a buck-seventy-five on a good-day! Or roughly twice the height and weight of Rocket Raccoon. Leading Guardians of Da' Galaxy director James Gunn to offer-up $100K if Commander-In-Chief will step on a scale. (Trump passes medical exam with flying-chloroforms).
Regarding the fab forecaster, Trump told da’ press, "He wants to remain Vindicator, doesn't he?"
And finally...as we head-off to star in a remake of Ironsides as part of the #Raymond Burr’d Box-Challenge, we leave the loyal-readership with our annual Irish blessing...”May da’ road-’dog rise up to beat you.” (Sumthin’ like that!)
Air Forecast One has gone wheels-up!