LITTLE-USED NFL RULE BOON FOR RETAILERS
WAYNE, New Jersey (AP)…Forget this year’s hottest “gotta-have-it” kiddie items, such as Monster High dolls. Retailers such as the local Toys-R-Us conglomerate, KB and FAO Schwarz recently got an unexpected windfall recently-revisited “cadence rule”. Violators on defense get penalized for mimicking offensive cadences in order to create confusion, but teams are implementing counter-measures, just in case. The strategy involves disguising the signal-calling on each offensive possession to resemble voices by everyone from John Wayne to Beavis and Butthead to Elvis to keep defenders guessing. It will likely take time to get used to the equipment as teams report problems with uncontrollable laughter by linemen, leading to false-starts during practice. Said one anonymous QB employing sound-effects of a well-known Star Wars villain, “the hardest part of the whole ‘Darth Vader’ thing is that the mask interferes with downfield vision. And it ain’t easy handlin’ snaps cleanly while brandishing a light-saber!”
It was a betting-public’s fantasy and a sportsbook’s nightmare in Week 6 as the chalk went wild, covering 15 of the 21 of the games involving ranked teams. Meanwhile, the length of Vindy’s success from Week 6 was shorter than a Venus Williams skirt! In light of our 7-13 Week Six debacle (46-63-1, 422), we’ve been practicing a silent snap count all week for use on our own homefield so the bookies can’t copy the oral tendencies and use them to disrupt…
THE WEBER KID’S 2011 WEEK 7 FORECAST
(Brought to you by Old Spice [trying to smell better than Vindy himself!])
SAT. OCT. 15
#1 Louisiana State over TENNESSEE giving 15 ½: Fans may remember the flag on the Vols for too many men that lost ‘em the game after Tennessee had successfully managed a goal-line stand. UT is young on offense and will be without QB Tyler Bray. We saw what LSU did to Florida’s back-up and Les Miles continues to pull out the trick-plays, even if his Aussie punter cost the Bengals four points vs. the Gators. Alternating 4th Down (Under) kicking duties this week for State…Crocodile Dundee and Hugh Jackman! No worries, Mate!...LSU 31 Rocky Top 14
#2 Alabama over MISSISSIPPI giving 25: Tide 31 Ole Missed 3
#3 Oklahoma over KANSAS giving 35: Oklahoma 54 Jaywalks 13
Indiana over #4 WISCONSIN taking 39 ½: We agonized over this pick. It’s Homecoming in Madison and the Varmints are one of the five teams from the Big Tenement Conference among the top eight nationally in scoring- defense. They were off last week and will visit currently-ranked Michigan State next. The Hosers lost by 3 in ’09, while losing by 35, 31 and 35 in the three years prior, but will remember the ungodly 83 that Wisky hung on ‘em last season. We know about penalties for excessive celebration. Can ya be flagged for excessive scoring???!!!... Badgers 54 Indiana 17
#5 Boise State over COLORADO STATE giving 32: Broncos 45 CSU 9
#22 TEXAS over #6 Oklahoma State taking 7 ½: OKSU 33 Steers 27
WASHINGTON STATE over #7 Stanford taking 21: Stanford 44 Wazzou 27
MARYLAND over #8 Clemson taking 7 ½: Clemson starting QB Tajh Boyd was hurt in win against Boston College. Including last season’s 31-7 win by the Tigers, the last six years have seen the tilts split 3-3 SU/ATS, and 4 of the 6 were decided by 4 points or less. Terps are off tough “L” to Joja’ Tech, but held their own on the ground, running for 6 yards per tote. Tigers are perfect 5-0 against the line, with four “overs”…Clemson 24 Box Turtles 21
#18 Arizona State over #9 OREGON taking 16: Another one we waffled on. Ducks struggled early off the bye and LaMichael James, obviously a key to the Mallards’ potent ground attack, was lost to injury in the Cal game, while Sun Devils benefitted from five Utah miscues. Mallards lost outright and ATS to only ranked team they’ve faced thus far. Oregon is decent, but not invincible 11-7 ATS at home, but last game in Autzen that was this close was late November of 2009 vs. Oregon State. Sun Devils are 5-2-1 in last 8 away games. If the Ducks are going to be vulnerable, now is the time. Gotta’ wonder if recruits, when they get a glimpse of all the uniform designs in Eugene, think they’ve signed up to play football or just jockey a steed in the Kentucky Derby!!!...Drakes 30 ASU 20
#10 Arkansas: IDLE (next @ Mississippi)
#11 Michigan over #23 Michigan State taking 3: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. This line is either 1) an overreaction to Denard Robinson’s sloppiness that put Michigan behind big vs. Northwestern or 2) based on recent history that’s seen State as the victor three straight years in this series. Those three wins were while the Wolverines were under RichRod not Brady Hoke and Sparty’s best win this year was 10-7 over punchless Ohio State…Big Blue 38 Little Brother 27
#12 Georgia Tech over VIRGINIA giving 7 ½: Second choice for lock. Cavs have 10 starters back on defense and have played like it, especially against the run, allowing just 116 ypg, but are 0-4 against the line after dodging Idaho 21-20. Virginia’s only other wins were by 3 over Indy and a trouncing of I-AA William & Mary. (And not to give the appearance of favoritism, the Cavs have scheduled William and Kate for the 2013 opener!). ‘Jackets can be had on defense, taking an 18-point lead into the final period then hanging on against Maryland, but…Bees 34 Virginia 17
#13 West Virginia: IDLE (next @ Syracuse 10/21)
#14 Nebraska: IDLE (next @ Minnesota)
#15 South Carolina over MISSISSIPPI STATE giving 3: Gamehens turned three of Kentucky’s six-pack of turnovers into 17 points on the way to routing the Wildcats, but SC may have found itself a quarterback in Connor Shaw. Mississippi State has logged five straight spread losses, with defeats by 7 at Auburn, 14 at Joja’ and 13 to LSU, while posting three wins over nobody special (three non-BCS squads). Poultry hits the road for three consecutive weeks after a nice home-stand…Original Recipe 23 MSU 14
#16 ILLINOIS over Ohio State giving 4: Illini 20 OSU 13
#17 Kansas State over TEXAS TECH (GASP!) taking 3: Can we get a witness???!!! Vindy finally reeled in another forecast win with the Red Raiders (see our Black Shirt segment below!). ‘Cats were efficient in win over Mizzou, grabbing 24 points on just 286 total yards offense and one TO by the Tigers. Tech isn’t playing any defense. Even if ‘Cats falter, this has been nice preview of 2012 for K-State, who’s being led by a redshirt Freshman and a sophomore in the backfield, but unlike the linesmakers, we’ll bite on the Houdini act and call it…KSU 31 Guns Up 27
WAKE FOREST over #19 Virginia Tech taking 7: While not completely discounting the five turnovers and 13 yellow hankies by the Seminoles (and Tech won’t field a freshman or rusty starter at QB), we still note the Deacons now have more SU wins to-date (4) than all of last year (3) and the only defeat came in extra frames at Syracuse to open the season. Just can’t trust the Hokies, who let a two-touchdown advantage dissolve as Miami racked up over 500 yards offense in narrow loss. We’re hesitant to call the second-straight upset for The Forest (3-1 ATS), but we wouldn’t be shocked…VT 21 Wake 19
#20 Baylor over #21 TEXAS A&M taking 9 ½: UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. Aggies D does ‘em in again… Bears 34 A&M 31
#24 AUBURN over Florida taking 2: Tigers 19 Florida 17
#25 Houston: IDLE (next vs. Marshall)
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
Bummer! Vindy was all set to make some serious bank selling audio of Justin Bieber barking signals to upcoming opponents of Tom Brady and the Patriots!
It’s only a matter of time before defensive coordinators start buying the voice equipment for their folks and the chess-matches begin, forcing teams to burn time-outs to keep up! The skill might even be added to the NFL Combine for defensive linemen and linebackers hoping to hear their names called on Draft Day. Four-two speed? Check. Hits like a brick house? Check. Vocal range to impersonate both Michael Clarke Duncan and Julia Child??!! Keeper!!!!
While on the topic of the NFL rulebook, if a player reaches into the neck of a ball-carrier’s uniform with a handful of a leafy, kale-like vegetable to bring him down, does the player get flagged for an illegal horse-collard greens tackle?
Plaxico Burress was apparently little more than a petulant child during his time in the pokey and was frequently made to “stand in the cornerback”! He also reportedly tutored other inmates in, among other studies, reading. Hmmm…”See the letters on this weapon? They spell ‘safety’, ‘semi-automatic’ and ‘full rock-n-roll’!!!”
Devoid of ranked squads for the first time in 29 seasons, Florida is now da’ Sun Belt State! (Which we suppose is better than the “Where the Sun Don’t Shine” State!).
We celebrate Columbus Day this week. How the hometown of the Buckeyes got its own national holiday and why its warranted stoppage of snail-mail delivery for a day is beyond us, but so be it….we’ll get a nice tattoo to commemorate the occasion!
Interestingly, the alma mater got some love this week as the Nitwit Lions now sit at #25 in the USA Coaches Poll.
Twice in July, Major League Baseball umpires issued three-ball walks. You should see their golf scores!
Break-up the Motor City! The Tigers are back in it against the Rangers in the ALCS, the Lions are 5-0 in the NFC North and it’s early in the NHL season, but what the hell…the Red Wings are 2-0 and tied atop the Central Division of the Western Conference!
Raiders QB Terrell Pryor is finally off suspension and is once again eligible to be part of a drive that doesn’t involve a suspended license or a questionable vehicle!
Black Shirt: We award the coveted undergarment to Texas Tech WR Alex Torres for the very late TD catch that salvaged a cover and rare forecast dubya for the Red Raiders (and one of just 7 wins for Vindicator last week).
“Wish I Had That One Back”: We’d sure like a mulligan on the UConn +19 ½ pick after noting how badly the Huskies were playing under their new coach.
“Locked in a Box?”: The Huskheads could not keep a poor Buckeyes team in check enough and drop the record to 3-3 (.500).
Shoppe Talk: We’re hiring some extra taxidermists to work some OT ‘cause it’s getting’ crowded at the Shoppe with Virginia Tech (0-5, .000), the Buckeyes (0-4, .000), West Virginia (1-4, .200), Arkansas (1-4, .200) and the Bengals of LSU (1-3, .250)!
Vindy’s Week 7 Best Bets: Last Week: 3-2 Season: 17-13 (.567)
RUTGERS -4 over Navy, Western Michigan -1 ½ over NORTHERN ILLINOIS, WASHINGTON -14 ½ over Colorado, Northwestern +6 over IOWA, North Texas +9 over WEEZIANA-LAFAYETTE
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