SPECIAL “FIELD COACH” GOES FOR NAUGHT
NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (REUTERS)… Months after Super Bowl 59, anonymous sources close to the Kansas City Chiefs organization have revealed that Patrick Mahomes had a back-up plan in the event he actually found paydirt for a score in the Big Game. A hot mic on the Chiefs quarterback a week earlier caught him being ribbed by an official for his epic-failure spike “try” following a 10-yard touchdown scamper in the AFC Championship contest against the Buffalo Bills, which looked more like he was making an effort to lob it out-of-bounds to avoid a sack or a safety. The Kansas City star was schooled by a nearby zebra in the correct way to throw down a pigskin in celebration! Mahomes later sought the advice of Sister Jo Sobieck, who teaches Theology at Marian Catholic High School in the Windy City and got an ESPY nomination for hurling a perfect curve ball first pitch at a White Sox-Kansas City Royals game earlier in the year. The nun had seats near the red zone and changed ends of the field at halftime to conduct any potential Mahomes’ TD manual exultation-by-proxy!
We survived Miami’s late ulcer-inducing 27-24 win versus the Leprechauns after blowing a 14-point 4th Quarter edge to salvage a 3-2 (.600) season debut while hitting a two-team parlay wager with our “best bets” along the way.
Spanning March 31st into April 1st, New Jersey senator Cory Booker spoke for 25 straight hours against Donald Trump without even so much as a potty break. The Garden State politician achieved the feat by simply repeating over and over the words to...
THE WEBER KID’S 2025 WEEK 2 FORECAST
(As written with Joe Biden’s autopen)
SAT. SEPT. 6
Oklahoma State @ #6 OREGON (“over 57”): We changed our initial prediction of Waterfowl (-29). Consider yerselves duly-advised. We suggested the Cowpokes, who won a scant three competitions last season (though were a FG away from toppling then-#12 Utah and then-#13 BYU) might be FCS upset victims in Week 1, but State won by nearly three touchdowns. OKSU sucks getting points away from Stillwater (4-9 of late), but has been defeated by four TDs only five times over five years. Two Autzen Stadium parking lot attendants saw some snaps in Mallards’ 59-13 demolition of then-FCS #2 Tony Montana State. During some pre-game tomfoolery last Saturday, Oregon mascot Puddles da’ Duck lost his headgear. Officials ruled it did not come off due to a foul by an opponent, so the costumed drake had to remain on the sideline for at least one play!...Quack Attack 48 Little Doggies 20
#11 Illinois (-3) over DUKE: It took a while for the Blue Devils to get going, forging only a 10-10 tie at halftime against FCS Elon and only a 14-point advantage after three quarters, but eventually pocketed the game by four scores. UI brings back 19 starters from group that notched the school’s first double-digit win tally since 2001 despite a fair-to-middlin' pass defense, losing only at Happy Valley, at Eugene and surprisingly in Champaign to Minnesota, and have conquered 10 of its last 12 non-Big Tenderizer foes. Duke took 6 of 7 one-score games last year, a pace that will be challenging to continue. Illini have been garnering chatter about comparisons to last season’s Indiana squad. Puttin’ our faith in those assessments...for now...Illini 31 Azur Beelzebubs 24
South Florida (+17 ½) over #13 FLORIDA: Second choice fer “lock”. Nothing with which to gauge UF, which is young at the skills, except keeping Long Island U. off the board in its inaugural match-up. Well-stocked Bulls made Boise State, back-to-back Group of Five wannabe, look ever-so-ordinary, holding the Broncos to their first single-digit output since 2019 and second since September 1997, making “under 56” a very attractive alternate option here. Crocs are just 2-6 ATS as home faves the past two seasons. Bulls have covered 8 of last 11 nonconference contests and 6 of last 8 vs. the Top 25. Most recent meeting was won 31-28 in the Swamp by Florida on a last-minute TD in ‘22... Reptiles 27 South Florida 17
#18 OKLAHOMA (-5 ½) over #15 Michigan: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Wolverines coach Sherrone Moore got off reasonably light in wake of the school’s sign-stealing snafu (see our “Hashmarks” segment below), being suspended for just a pair of tilts against two directional-Michigans and a roadie at Nebraska. The Wolverines do not historically permit freshmen behind center, but Bryce Underwood played sufficiently enuff to get the win vs. New Mexico, with some help from his RB and his D (3 touchdowns and 3 picks [leading to 10 of Michigan’s 34 points], respectively). “Block ‘M’” has covered 9 of previous 10 versus ranked clubs, but we don’t think the usually -anticipated improvement between Games 1 and 2 to be adequate to let UM stay anywhere near this spread. OK QB John Mateer can run as well as throw and his unit has much to prove after Sooners’ scoring fell off a cliff (17 ppg fewer) in 2024 ...Oklahoma 34 Michigan 17
Iowa @ #16 IOWA STATE (“under 41 ½”): ISU didn’t wait long for another opportunity to taunt yer humble narrator after hosing us in all six appearances of 2024. Other than Michigan, Dust Devils are the so ranked club in this week’s Picks to have met another FBS foe thus far, edging KSU after the Wildcats’ star RB Dylan Edwards went down very early to injury in Dublin. We read somewhere that it’s actually the second week back from an overseas trip that starts to impact players. The final totals over the past three years have ended at 17, 33 and 39 and were decided by 3, 7 and 1. Points-scored and points-against have shown improvement during that stretch, but Da’ Birds are still averaging less than 21 ppg on the board and points-allowed are still in the teens. Hawkeyes are strong on the ground (currently 8th in rush yardage) and should keep the clock moving. Kirk Ferentz would surpass Woody Hayes as Big Tendonitis Conference most victorious coach with the triumph. How sweet would it be to do so against rival Cyclones??!! Avians squandered a double-digit lead last year, so girding our loins, we’ll predict the minor upset in a tussle of trebuchets ...Hawkeyes 19 Haboobs 17
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, stealing a Game of Thrones quote by Lord Royce regarding Lord Arryn’s ability to swing a sword, the cringe-worthy attempt by Mahomes was “like a girl with palsy.”
In addition, ensuring her trip to the Big Easy wasn’t a complete waste, Sobieck confessed at a local Catholic religious institution then heaved three Hail Mary's (one of which was actually caught fer a touchdown) and conducted penance at the Stations of the Crossing-Route (yeah, yeah....save da’ hate mail fer someone who cares!)
In a follow-up to last week’s lead story, there’s no truth to the rumor that Middies football players would just spend the trip to Greenland watching game film.
In the wake of tanking a game-winning FG in regulation and a tiebreaker in OT, ultimately contributing to Army’s 30-27 loss vs. Tarleton State, Keydets kicker Dawson Jones is still spit-shining the boots of all his teammates before hitting the portal to join the Coast Guard!
Harkening back to an item from our season premiere, we can’t wait to see Jordan Hudson in a beautiful wedding gown at the altar facing up across from Bill Belichick in his trademark hoodie as the pair exchange vows. Will we hear the person officiating over the ceremony go old school and say, “If there’s anyone here who knows why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them throw the challenge flag now or forever hold their peace (or at least until the Third Quarter). More next week.
Meanwhile, Coach’s college debut with the Tarheels was a bust in a 48-14 blowout defeat by the Horny Toads. “Chapel Bill” looked more like Chapel Swill!
Steve Sarkisian did away with this year’s Texas Spring Game, in part to keep opponents from conducting reconnaissance (that didn’t work out so well). Likewise, your prestigious prognosticator scrapped the annual beer pong contest to prevent bookies from gathering intel on the forecast ahead of the season!
Last October, ‘Bama players committing cognitive errors during practice had to run and touch a sign reading “TNT” (Takes No Talent). Vindy has posted similar signage in his forecasting HQ and makes physical contact with it after every blown pick!
Instead of handing it over as evidence of his sign-stealing capers, former Michigan staffer Connor Stalions launched his celly into the water, eventually admitting “My film is in the bottom of the pond.” Later, a package showed up at NCAA headquarters containing a phone sim-card and a bass wrapped in a vest. An official recognized the delivery, noting “It’s a Sicilian message. It means ‘T-Mobile sleeps with da’ fishes’”.
Under new rules, players caught pretending to be hurt must be sidelined for at least one snap and cost their club a time-out. Let’s make the flag truly meaningful by adopting hockey’s penalty concept and force the offending team to play with just ten men on the field for two minutes!
While Shedeur Sanders was most-famously pranked during this year’s NFL Draft, by a false phone call indicating he’d been selected by the Packers, it was the fab forecaster fielding a bogus ringy-dingy (“Laugh-Ins” Ruth Buzzi anyone? Anyone??!) suggesting he was taken by the New York Giants (who traded up to get him early) that got the crowd fired-up. Seeking yet-another 15 minutes of fame, the Weber Kid, seated in the green room, took the stage and hugged Commissioner Roger Goodell before leading the audience in booing him then doing the Lambeau Leap to the delight of the local Frozen Tundra faithful!
Just about this time in ‘24, the Iggles and Packers played in Sao Paolo, leading Philly’s signature short-yardage strategy to become known as the “Brazilian Bum Scrum".
The Red Sox this week cut ties with RHP Walker Buehler, leaving Boston manager, at a subsequent team meeting, to call out (altogether now...) “Buehler?...Buehler?...Buehler?”
Vindicator and his Chief of People Operations were caught gettin’ cozy on “kiss cam” at a recent Nickelback concert! (Yeah, yeah...save da’ hate mail!)
Crappy Match-up of Da’ Week: FCS Bryant (2-11 decline) @ UMass (2-11 spiral with 0 wins over FBS foes). Dishonorable mention to FCS Sacramento State (3-10, though oddly, the Hornets are ranked #16) @ Nevada-Reno (now 3-11 in its last 14 tilts). Somehow, last week we missed Mississippi State (2-10 in ‘24, 1 win vs. an FCS club and 1 FBS victory vs. previously mentioned UMess) @ Sudden Misery (1-11 last year, 0 wins vs. FBS teams)
Hooray fer Da’ Little Guy: We tip our helmet to the unranked I-AA Austin Peay Gubnahs for their decisive 34-14 triumph at Middle Tennessee State. Congrats to then-FCS #8 Tartleton State for its 2OT victory at West Point. Honorable Mention to the unranked Alabama State Hornets who were within a FG of UAB until the Blazers scored a TD with 1:19 to play to dodge the upset bid and to then-FCS #12 Idaho who fell 13-10 at Washington State after the Coogs booted the winning three-pointer with :08 left. Props to North Dakota (lost 38-35 @ K-State), Merrimack (fell 21-17 @ Kent State) and Holy Cross (19-17 losers @ Northern Illinois). Our best guesses for FCS clubs that could take down their I-A opponents...#14 Jackson State (13-2 run) over Sudden Mist (1-12 skid), unranked UT-Martin 9-5 last year (and off a 27-7 defeat in Stillwater last Saturday) over UTEP (now 3-10 back to last year, lost to FCS Sudden Utah by 3 in OT and beat FBS newcomer Kennesaw State 43-35 in 2OT), #15 Southern Illinois over PURDUE and #25 Western Carolina over Wake Forest.
Black Shirt: This season’s inaugural coveted charcoal camisole goes to Crimson Tide kicker Conor Talty fer botching a 47-yard FG, eventually keeping the total “under 50 ½” as we predicted.
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Last Week: 1-0 (1.000) Season: 1-0 (1.000). Hurricanes made us wait for it on pins and needles, but kickoff the lock tally with a W.
Shoppe Talk: Bengal-skin rugs adorn the Shoppe floors after LSU-Clemson finished well-below our prediction of “over 57 ½”. Tigers are now 0-3 (.000) since the start of 2024.
Vindy’s Week 2 Best Bets: Last Week: 2-2 (.500) Season: 2-2 (.500)
MARYLAND –17 ½ over Northern Illinois, Middle Tennessee State +28 ½ over WISCONSIN, Ucla @ UNLV “over 54 ½”, San Diego State @ WASHINGTON STATE “under 45 ½”
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