Not sure if it’s a lack of notable news deserving of our creative literary skills or just a bout of writer’s block, but in any case, we've reached into the archives (mid-October 2008) to fill the gap...fer now.
RECLUSIVE FOREIGN LEADER FINALLY SEEN...AT COLLEGE GAME
MADISON, Wisconsin (BBC)...Well-hidden from public view for the past few months and amidst rumors of poor health as well as speculation his rogue nation had acquired Romulan cloaking device technology, North Korean president Kim Il Jong II was spotted taking in the Badgers-Buckeyes game this Saturday at Camp Randall. After panning the stadium section normally reserved for the then-suspended University of Wisconsin marching band and noticing the difference in uniform colors, a quick-thinking cameraman tipped off the FBI to the location of the communist dictator, who was surrounded by several members of his military forces. In fact, the test-firing of short-range missiles scheduled for earlier in October was moved back at Jong’s request and took place at halftime to fill the void left by the band’s absence. However, the missiles, launched from midfield, fell way-short of their intended target, Maple Bluff Golf Course on the far side of Lake Mendota, and did minimal damage to a portion of the football venue, vacated minutes before by fans heading for the concession stands as the whistle sounded at the intermission. U.S. satellite imagery confirmed the presence of the foreign leader, who until then, had been more secretive than Mata Hari, James Bond and Batman combined!
We floundered our way to yet-another 1-4 (21-20, 525) “result” (though a pair of those L’s came by a combined point-and-a-half). And if yer scoring at home, since our fabulous 12-3 (,800) outta’ da’ gate, we’ve staggered through a subsequent 9-17 (.346).
Amongst practically 100 stolen ballots for California’s redistricting vote found in Sacramento this week was a draft version of...
THE WEBER KID’S WEEK 9 FORECAST
(Returning to Factory Settings!)
SAT. OCT. 26
#4 Alabama @ SOUTH CAROLINA (“under 47 ½”): Tide’s loss to the Seminoles in its first game was bad enough at the time. In the wake of the Tribe’s reversion to mediocrity, it looks even lousier now. We pondered laying 12 ½ but the ‘Cocks have payback on their minds after succumbing 27-25 last year when a late two-point conversion was denied but also crawl into this match-up on a 1-4 SU slide and are in the third game of a horrific four-contest stretch. Carolina’s relative inexperience on offense continues to be evident...all of its games have ended beneath or barely above this total; it’s permitting four sacks per game thus far and just seven clubs gain fewer yards of offense on average. Putting that in further perspective, Chickens average just three more yards per tilt than 0-7 Sam Houston, leading to a scoring mean of 20 ppg (which is bolstered slightly by the 38 on the board vs. FCS SC State). Crimson Tide is giving up 18 ppg and has finished “under” in three of its four at-bats in the Picks to-date...Big Al 29 Poultry 13
#11 Brigham Young @ IOWA STATE (“under 49”): “All power to the shields, Mr. Scott!” We go to full red alert with the Land Spouts popping up again after burning us six times in past seven tries. Cyclones take the sideline again off a bye that followed back-to-back road defeats in Cincinnati and Boulder on a 1-4 ATS stutter. Twisters have, however, won 9 of last 10 at Jack Trice Stadium. Cougars could be sluggish throughout at least the first quarter, if not the entire half, off come-from-behind Holy War victory vs. Utah. Mormons RB LJ Martin is 5th nationally in rushing yards and should help BYU’s 10th-ranked running game control clock. Brigham Young surrenders 15 points per game. ISU ain’t bad either, granting 19 ppg. Each side shows four of six FBS jousts below the number..BYU 23 Dust Devils 20
#18 South Florida (-5) over MEMPHIS: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Perhaps the most important game of the week until da’ Tigers’ inexplicable ruin at UAB (+21 ½ [apparently James Franklin was on the Memphis sideline]) as the loser’s hopes of a playoff spot woulda’ taken a major hit. Now as it stands, the club that falls here is toast. No easy road for the victor either. Bulls still must face one-loss Tulane, and the Tigers have the Green Wave and thus-far-perfect Navy yet-to-come with one-loss North Texas possibly winning-out. Bulls lost 21-3 last year and 59-50 in ‘23. Tigers are undefeated in last games at home, including crazy 32-31 triumph vs. Arkansas earlier. Per Marc Lawrence, MU has the ninth-easiest slate in the country. USF has covered 4 of last 5 giving points on the road and while bangin’ the board for an average of 55 ppg vs. the likes of SC State, Charlotte and Florida Atlantic didn’t move us, hangin’ 63 on the previously undefeated Mean Green...unblemished at the time...in Denton...got our attention. South Florida’s putting up 42.7 ppg overall and MU is scoring 38 ppg. We got within millimeters of taking “over 62” in a double-dip as well...USF 41 Memphis 34
Baylor (+4 ½) over #21 CINCINNATI: UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. Beyond West Virginia and Oklahoma State, any Big 12 team can best any other conference squad on any given Saturday. Bearkats are tied for the league lead at 4-0 with only BYU. UC is Benjamin-burning 4-10 the past three-plus season spotting points at Nippert Stadium. Bares are a dart-throw as road dogs and dropped a tough 42-36 trackmeet at TCU last week, improved their running game last season, notched their first victory over a Top 25 team in 11 tries back in early September at then-#17 Sudden Methadone (48-45) and were Phil Steele’s preseason #8 Surprise Team. Baylor QB Sawyer Robertson tops the country’s best passing game (344 ypg) and is well-protected, getting sacked just 7 times. Across the field, Cincy, Steele’s #8 Most Improved club, throws for 263 ypg and QB Brendan Sorsby has very nice 18-1 ratio. UC allows 240 pass yards per game and averages just 2 sacks per contest. These two squads score the first and second most points in the conference. Expect close to 1000 total yards offense combined...Ursines 36 ‘Kats 33
#23 Illinois (+4 ½) over WASHINGTON: Huskies were within reach of the Top 25 at 5-1 but got nothing except one touchdown accomplished at the Big House, absorbing their second defeat. Illinois is off a bye. The total (55) seems representative of UDUB’s relative defensive-prowess (holding the Buckeyes and Wolverines to just 24 each and recording four straight games “under”) than UI’s more generous nature (5-1 “over”). Washington shows a so-so 10-8 outright tally as chalk in the friendly confines. Sled Dogs’ best victory was prolly the 24-20 win at Maryland, ending the Box Turtles four tilt win-streak. We won’t proclaim an upset; however, we’re not convinced Seattle offers this much of an edge. Canines get their first plate appearance in da’ Picks since 2023 Natty against Michigan ...Washington 27 Illini 24
BETWEEN DA’ HASHMARKS
BTW, a concessionaire, hoping to get her 15 minutes of fame, said she had visual proof of Il Jong actually buying a beer, cheese curds and a Bucky Badger plush toy on video, which she hopes to sell to the National Enquirer! That same video captured the Communist dictator uttering, “I’m Batman.”
Lauding the deep relationship between Eugene and the Grateful Dead, Oregon has unveiled its “Grateful Ducks” ensemble for Saturday’s “tye-dye out” at Autzen Stadium vs. Wisconsin. “Uncle John’s Marching Band” is expected to take the field at halftime. Will we hear, “What a third-and-long, strange trip it’s been.”??!!
Upon suggestion that it might be a national championship game featuring Indiana and Vandy, a member of the Fox Sports 1 broadcast crew said, “I’ll run around this whole set butt-naked wearing only flip-flops" if that happens! Uhhhh...thanks fer da’ visual, Dude, Can’t unsee that.
Not for official record but keep an eye on Mississippi State (+7) to take out Texas. Bulldogs beat current-#24 Arizona State, lost in OT to Tennessee and lost by two last week in the Swamp (putting now Florida ex-coach Billy Napier on a rail outta’ town). It's also Homecoming in Starkville.
If da’ Las Vegas Raiders team colors meet a famous bug-spray, do we have...”Silver and Black-Flag"! Likewise, if The Rock suits up as a superhero fer da’ same club, is he “Silver and Black Adam”??!!!
As promised, additional altar activities available at the A’s ballpark chapel...the “Fielder’s Choice” allows either spouse-to-be the opportunity to tie the knot with any other member of the wedding party (sometimes used in conjunction with the “Left On Base/Check Swing” options we noted last week), while “A League of Their Own” sees a Tom Hanks impersonator admonishing tear-squirting guests that “There’s no crying in baseball!”
Pro hoops has begun, prompting us to remember that back in June, Donald Trump stumbled on his way up the steps to Air Force One. Travelling was called on the play, and the POTUS was charged with a turnover!
If a Tone Loc hit meets our Sin City Soothsayer, is “Vindy Cold Medina”??? “ Would we hear, “...She started talkin’ ‘bout some plans for our bettin’!”
Another couple weeks like da’ last one and we’re gonna’ throw in the towel and demolish the east wing of our sports-betting mancave to build a ballroom!
Black Shirt: This week’s unparalleled underthing goes to Joja’ Tech safety Omar Daniels for his 95-yard fumble return for touchdown that helped the Bees (+1) drop Duke...our only accurate forecast selection on the fortnight.
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Last Week: 0-1 Season: 4-4 (.500) The Rebels let a 9-point advantage in the 4th Quarter evaporate in 8-point loss in Athens.
Shoppe Talk: Tiger-skin rugs are back on the floors of Ye Olde Taxidermy Shoppe with LSU now 1-3 (.250, 1-6 .142 back to 2024) and Shamrock Succotash is on the menu as Notre Dame falls to 2-4 (.333 back to mid-’24).
Vindy’s Week 9 Best Bets: Last Week: 3-1 (.750) Season: 16-16 (.500)
Appalachian State @ OLD DOMINION “over 62 ½”, Auburn @ ARKANSAS “under 56”, Minnesota +8 ½ over IOWA, CENTRAL MICHIGAN –16 ½ over UMass
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