NFL STAR’S LOCAL VEHICLE CLEANSING BUSINESS THRIVING
KANSAS CITY, Missouri (ITAR-Tass)...During the offseason, Travis Kelce became co-owner of “Showtime Car Wash.” in Kansas City. Packages/options at the facility include...”The Brotherly Shove”...instead of being drawn along by automated tracks, the car gets literally pushed from behind by a number of “large” employees through the process; “The Scholarship”...customers get a $10,000 college grant if they can toss a football thru the open passenger-side window as it moves along; the “Gatorade Bath”...instead of being sprayed by water hoses, the suds are dispersed by buckets of the sports-drink; the “Gang Tackle”...multiple employees cling to whatever parts of the car they can as it travels thru the brushes and buffers (probationary workers usually get roped into this one!), “The Concessionaire”...patrons get a “free” hotdog and a beer while their vehicle is cleaned and “The Sack”...the customer gets to tackle an unsuspecting cashier behind the counter and knock a commensurate number of dollars off the service price!
We’re out of tourniquets in the aftermath of yet-another 1-4 result (19-25-1, .432) in Week 9, leading us to rip shards of cloth from our supply of “black shirts” and tying them off with small tree-branches to staunch the wounds and movin’ us closer to honorary Storm Trooper status!
Steve Cohen, owner of the NY Mets, bought 1 ½ million shares of the company that oversees the Sphere in Las Vegas. While the purchase accounted for just a very-small percentage of the business, Cohen declared he’d frequently-interject images of McDonald’s character Grimace throwing out the ceremonial first-pitch on June 12 prior to da’ Mets game against the Miami Marlins during concerts and other entertainment events. Following that toss, the team, nine games below .500 at the time, would go on to win 7 straight and 14 of 18 contests overall before ultimately surviving to the NLCS! In related news, Vindy has enlisted the Mickey D’s purple, shake-coveting icon, hopin’ fer similar good-fortune, to take his initial picks to the sportsbook counter ahead of...
THE WEBER KID’S 2024 WEEK 10 FORECAST
(Because throwing parlay cards at the sportsbook counter from 700 yards is not effective!)
SAT. NOV. 2
#4 Ohio State @ #3 PENN STATE (“over 46 ½”): MINOR UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. Our profound appreciation to the Nits for serving as our only beacon-of-light last week. Given the plethora of Top 25 squads resting this week, the fact that this is only match-up of ranked teams this Saturday, the significance of this outcome (and maybe just a tad of home-cookin' bias!), we break our own rules of not featuring a team in back-to-back forecasts. Alma Mater seeks its first outright victory in the past 8 years. Last season’s 20-12 win by OSU notwithstanding, the rest of those have been track meets. Lions get hit with a double-whammy as Ohio State LB Arvell Reese’s will not in fact ride da’ pine for the first 30 minutes following his 2nd half ejection for a blown “targeting” call vs. Nebraska, which barely missed pulling off a major upset and DE Dani Dennis-Sutton, the club’s leader in QB-pressures may not be on the field for the home-team due to injury. Penn State escaped Wisconsin in the closing minutes as well (see our “Black Shirt” segment below). Gettin’ more than a field-goal (currently 4 ½) with a live home-’dog definitely has our attention. Buckeyes are on 1-5-1 spread slide vs. ranked opponents. First ‘dog role fer da’ Nits since November ‘23 (a little extra-bulletin-board material at Beaver Stadium) and just 4th time in past three seasons. Lions QB Drew Allar is a game-time decision. At no extra cost, we say...WE ARE 30 Buckeyes 27
Louisville (+10 ½) over #T11 CLEMSON: Redbirds, 5-3 outright, have gone through three tough one-score defeats at Notre Dame, at Virginia and against Miami. Per Marc Lawrence, Louisville has won 10 ATS and pushed once last 11 getting double-digits away off an SU victory (beat BC 31-27 last week). Tigers won by 6 in ‘21 and 15 in ‘22. Clemson has bashed the scoreboard for less than 40 just twice, including 3-point “effort” in blow-out loss versus Georgia to open the year, which energized the team to its current six-win streak by at least 15 and average of 25.8 margin. CU QB Cade Clubnik is tied for 4th nationally for number of passing touchdowns (20 with just 3 picks). Louisville’s numbers on either side of the ball do not impress, but little voice in our head is screamin’ “Da’ Ville” (stay tuned as we consult our therapist next week) with Clemson laying its shortest spread of the season (as a fave). Crimson Aviary is already 0-2 fer da’ forecast, but “logic” has been fruitless repeatedly to-date...Death Valley 34 Louisville 27
Texas Tech @ #T11 IOWA STATE (“over 57”): Those watching our “Shoppe Talk” segments know the Cyclones haven’t been “beddy, beddy good to Chico”. For inquiring mimes that wanna’ know, our previous five choices on Iowa State tilts included taking State with the points once, two “unders” and predicting vs. the Dust Devils as chalk twice. Red Raiders should be stoked fer this one...first ranked opponent on the year and having frittered away a 17-point 3rd Quarter advantage in agonizing 35-34 demise at TCU (fumbling twice in their final pair of possessions), their second consecutive conference loss after ringin’ up three straight B12 wins. Tech leads the B12 in total yards offense at 457 ypg and hittin’ da’ scoreboard for a bit north of 32 ppg, but has yielded 8 more points than logged and is dead-last in points allowed at 36 per contest in B12 play. State is only 20 ypg behind, but allowing miniscule 14.4 ppg and #6 in conference, notching 31.7 ppg. Tech (currently +13 ½) has gone down by DD only twice this year. Queue-up Dire Straits “Money Fer Nuthin’”...Blow-Hards 41 “Guns Up” 23
#19 Ole Miss @ ARKANSAS (“under 53 ½”): All seven of the Rebels I-A contests have officially gone “below” the total, with only the Joja’ Sudden match topping this number (as well as matches vs. the Blue Raiders and da’ Bayou Bengals both barely doing so, coming in at 55 each). Arkansas recently went on a four-game “under” run before blowing out a poor Mississippi State club last week. Pork Ribs (+7 ½ as we go to press) have suffered some hard defeats...by 8 at Oklahoma State and 4 to A&M, but did overcome Tennessee by 5. Updating a Marc Lawrence stat, Old Misery has covered just three times in 19 tries after banging the scoreboard fer more then 40 (58 last week vs. the Bulldogs). Ole Miss HC Lafe Kiffin is facing a copyright lawsuit from a swimming psychologist for re-tweeting the phrase “Winning Isn’t Normal”. Likewise, Kiffin is under fire from the producers of “Young Frankenstein” for posting a tweet indicating “Winning Is Not Abby Normal”!!! Arkansas returns 17 starters, mostly seniors following 4-8 debacle in ‘23 and is a dart-throw versus the Top 25 in recent campaigns. Mississippi gets a visit from Georgia next...Rebels 27 Hogs 20
Air Force @ #21 ARMY (“over 42”): LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Flyboys are suckin’ dirty pond water this year at 0-6 SUATS in I-A contests and scoring just over 14 ppg, so layin’ -22 ½ was our second choice. Army is on the opposite side of the spectrum at 7-0 SU/6-0 ATS and pounding the scoreboard fer 58 ppg over its past five, behind the nation’s best ground game despite returning just 10 starters and being one of the least experienced teams in the country entering the season. Soldiers are off a bye and won 23-3 last year. USAF is #119th in rush-yards allowed (193.7 ypg) and 18 rush TDs. Sometime during the week, a few Keydets managed to find their way to Colorado Springs and alter the lettering in Falcon Stadium to read “Chair Force”. How they got there and back to West Point is still a mystery, but we hope they’ll be assigned to a platoon of Scouts or at least a military intelligence unit upon graduation!...Black Knights 41 Aim High 13
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, patrons at the Kelce car wash can also purchase “air-fresheners” that smell like “post-game locker room”! More on this one next week!
In an addendum to our comments on Arkansas above, we note you can put lipstick on a Sooeeey Pig’s facemask, but the sow can still be flagged for pass-interference, holding, illegal feet to da’ face, etc! Similarly, opponents can be penalized for an illegal hit to the headcheese!
University of Illinois-Haddonfield was idle this week so players could don Michael Myers masks and brandish large kitchen knives to scare the bejeezus outta’ trick-or-treaters on the campus!
With the election looming on November 5, we note that last summer, in the wake of his not-real-impressive debate against Donald Trump, Joe Biden pooh-poohed, time-and-again, calls for him to undergo cognitive-testing to determine his ongoing fitness for office. Frankly, we’d have been satisfied to just review his results on the Wonderlic IQ Test, previously administered to former college players attending the NFL Combine!
Crappy NCAA Games of Da’ Week: UMass (0-6 FBS) @ Mississippi State (0-7 FBS)...winner gets to host 1-7 Carolina Panthers while loser travels to 1-6 Tennessee Titans! Also in this category, Middle Tennessee State (1-6 SU/ATS) @ UTEP (1-6 SU).
In an admittedly delinquent follow-up to our Week Lead Story regarding questionable practices, including a joking reference to use of a “Magic 8-Ball", by the Raiders to randomly select Brock Bowers over Terrion Arnold in the NFL Draft, investigators revealed possible responses from the classic fortune-telling toy to be “Not no, but Hell no!”, “Answer cloudy. Draft again later.”, “Trade picks.”, “Throw a Hail Mary!”, Time-outlook not so good.”, “Don’t hardcount on it.”, “Player injured. Return very doubtful” and “All signs point-spread to ‘yes’”’.
Now at 2-6 and desperately needing to get a top-notch QB prospect in the 2025 draft, in the tradition of the 2011 “Suck fer Luck” campaign encouraged by fans of the Miami Dolphins, we recommend the Raiders “play” the rest of the season with the covert mottos of “Wreck fer Beck”, “Illin’ fer Dillon”, Brainfart fer Dart”, ”Cave-In fer Jalen” and “Tailspin fer Quinn”!
In related news, the Raiders are, for a limited time, picking up the tab for the Silver & Black faithful who want to adorn the rear of their vehicles with team license plates! Delivery could take up to three months, but given the club’s current penchant’s league-worst turnovers stat, it’s a fitty-fitty chance the plates could actually end up in the hands of opposing fans! (And personally, we think all current season-ticket holders should be permitted a free hotdog & a brewski the next time they venture into Allegiant Stadium!)
Jets WR Davante Adams has a Taco Bell in his living room. Likewise, Vindicator has a combo Howard Johnson’s/Kenny Rogers’ Roasters in his attic!
Back in February, in a game-day article of the Las Vegas Review-Journal for Super Bowl Fitty-Eight, writer David Schoen noted Andy Reid would “end his Saturday prep the same way he has for 11 seasons as Kansas City’s coach...’with a cheeseburger.’”. Vindy would seek (in a reference to the mushroom character in the Marios. Bros. video-game series) to “one-up” Reid by culminating his weekly forecast practices with a McDonald’s McRib Sammich Happy Meal, featuring small size fries, low-fat milk, apple slices and a toy!
If Bob Ross painted a picture featuring a field-goal kicker, would he “add ‘happy threes’”???!!
With the 2024 World Series now history, if a certain Nick Cage quote from “Con Air” meets baseball, do we hear Cameron Poe say...“Put the bunny back in da’ batter’s box!”
May 12th marked the end of the 2024 National Nurses Week. It also coincided with the birthday of Florence Nightingale, AKA “The Lady with the Lamp” after her overnight exploits during the Crimean War. In the midst of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the NHL honored said medical professionals by inviting them to take the ice and line-up to take penalty shots, dressed in scrubs and skates, during the 1st Intermission of games being played around the league, for the right to be named “The Lady who Lit the Lamp”!
In our humble opinion, Paris Olympics gymnast “Pommel Horse Guy” (and former Penn Stater) Stephen Nedoroschik looks more like Peter Parker than Clark Kent. In any case...”WE ARE!” Nedoroschik was tagged as a contestant on Season 33 of “Dancin’ With Da’ Stars”. Vindy’s spies say Stephen, during his performance, will shed his original duds to reveal a great big Superman logo on his chest and competitors and opposing audience members will be armed with small rocks of Kryptonite!
During a post-playoff game interview with Timberwolves fan-fave Anthony Edwards in May, Charles Barkley copped to not visiting the North Star State in “probably 20 years”. Edwards responded by sayin’ “Bring Ya’ Ass!”. A state tourism website quickly hopped onboard with “Minnesota: Bring Ya’ Ass”, encouraging hoops fans to do exactly that. Stealing a page from the “Land of 10,000 Lakes”, Vindy pitched an idea to the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority for an ad campaign targeting out-of-town sports-gamblers, called “Sin City: Getch Yo’ Ass Hea’!”. BTW, slightly off-topic, we found out that Minny is also known as “New England of the West”. Wonder how the Patriots fans feel about that every time they play the Vikings?! Shortly after gettin’ the VP tag, Kamala Harris’ runnin’ mate in August, MN GOV. Bill Walz, spurred “Land of 1,000 Lakes” voters to hit da’ polls, sayin’ likewise!
Confusing his presidential candidates, Vindy returned to his old stompin’-grounds at Penn State to lead fund-raising events for the former-star of “Doogie Howser, M.D.”. The collective-effort was known as “Blue & White Dudes Fer Neil Patrick Harris”!
“Wish We Had It Back”: We accurately called the SMU @ DUKE tilt “under 49” as a “wish” pick after noting “SMU is the bulbs for 32 ppg and surrendering south of 23 ppg”. We’d also consider a mulligan for our KSU –10 ½ over Kansas after admitting the Birds had “been beaten by DD just twice in most recent 10 games overall”.
Black Shirt: PSU QB Drew Allar and Wisconsin QB Braedyn Locke get a half-a-Twilight-tee each (or remnants thereof given our need for bandages described above!). Allar lost a fumble at the Badgers 28 early on and Locke tossed consecutive incomplete passes from the Lions 16 with 1:15 left in the game to keep the score “under 48” as predicted!
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Last Week: 0-1 Season: 5-4 (.555).
Shoppe Talk: Jayhawk Jambalaya is the “blue-plate special” at the Shoppe this fortnight as Kansas falls to 0-5 (.000) fer da’ forecast, joining Iowa State (also 0-5, .000) as front-runners for post-season “hardware”!!!!!
Vindy’s Week 10 Best Bets: Last Week: 1-3 Season: 15-21 (.417)
Arizona State @ Oklahoma State “over 5 ½”, Nevada-Reno @ COLORADO STATE “under 45 ½”, IOWA –3 over Wisconsin, Navy –11 ½ over RICE
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