PRESTIGIOUS PROGNOSTICATOR STAMPS FOOTPRINT ON FROZEN DESSERTS
LAS VEGAS, Nevada (TMZ)...Ahead of his #11 NC State Wolfpack’s unexpected Final Four contest against #1 Purdue in last April’s NCAA Tournament, a published article noted Coach Kenin Keatts, while still overseeing the UNC-Wilmington Seahawks, started a tradition of celebrating road wins with ice cream after his squad had failed in the previous season’s nine attempts to be victorious away from home. The Vegas Vindicator has elected to do the same with each successful pick in which he selected the away team to cover the spread. A local Baskin-Robbins store is humoring the world-renowned forecaster, allowing him to rename some of its varieties, such as Field Goal French Vanilla, Hail Mary Mocha, Man-in-Motion Mint Chocolate Chip, Touchdown Moose Tracks, Penalty Flag Pistachio, Jet Sweep Spumoni, Parlay Card Pralines & Cream, Pump-Fake Peach, End-Around Almond, Scoreboard Strawberry, Rocky Road Game, Run Pass Option Orange and Tush-Push Tiramisu!
By 12:30 PM Vegas time, we were down 0-3 and crying in our beer with only Louisville’s later upset of Clemson saving us from complete disaster on the way to yet-another 1-4 finale (20-29-1, 408).
Ineffective the past five outings, Vin benches himself and sends in back-up Johnny Manziel, a la the Progressive commercial, to rescue...
THE WEBER KID’S 2024 WEEK 11 FORECAST
(Like tryin’ to hit da’ dartboard bullseye with a trebuchet!)
SAT. NOV. 9
Michigan (+14 ½) over #8 INDIANA: Wolverines are better than their 5-4 record suggests and Hoosiers (with 21 returning starters) are undefeated across nine clashes (9-0 against the number as well) and have shown no mercy to conference opponents, but haven’t exactly faced a “murderer’s row”. Big Blue has lost by no more than 10 in its two tilts away from home. IU has major revenge after being basically blown-out the past three years. Indy gets a bye next in front of the big one in Columbus. Back in September, former UM coach Jim Harbaugh, amidst multiple suspensions, compared himself to the Biblical character of Moses. It’s a little-known fact that following his trip to the Burning Bush, Harbaugh made his way to Bloomington this week, sporting a Bride of Frankenstein hairdo and holding a yard-marker, stole a line from the Big Ten Commandments and declared “Let my people go.”...Indiana 28 Michigan 24
#14 LSU (+3) over #11 Alabama: MINOR UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. “Under 58 ½" would be a reasonable choice also. We’d much rather just watch than pick this game, but so be it. Honestly, we wouldn’t be disappointed by a “push”. Kevin DeBoer makes his first foray into Death Valley and his charges enter Baton Rouge without Nick Saban guiding the way. Both sides got a week off coming into this one. ‘Bama’s 5-3 “over” but only three higher than 58 ½. Pachyderms are 13-5 layin’ points outside Tuscaloosa and have taken 4 of last 5 straight-up in Baton Rouge. Bengals are 5-1-1 ATS last 7 as home puppies. Alabama QB and Heisman winner could-be Jalen Milroe is #5 in the SEC in passing yardage but State QB Garrett Nussmeier is second at 2627, trailing only Jaxson Dart of Ole Miss. Milroe, 13 TDs-6 picks, has been sacked 16 times. “Nussie” only 4 times. We’ll stick to our initial pick here, but the latest State injury report as of Thursday isn’t pretty. Last month, Tide players came to the conclusion that their recent demise could be blamed on the minute details of their prep, such as not wearing “shirts tucked in”. Equally, your humble host will be focused on securing his Huggies before kick-off!...Tygahs 26 Crimson Timex 23
Utah State @ #20 WASHINGTON STATE (“under 70”): Second-choice fer “lock”. A rare initial forecast-five contest with a three-touchdown spread. The PAC-Deuce from Pullman earns a little Vindicator street-cred here, makin’ its way into the rankings logging a 7-1 outright tally. Big Ups to da’ Coogs fer stickin’ to their guns to help resurrect the conference in the midst of its potential disappearance. Both teams were idle last week. WSU is 7-4 ATS past 11 facing the Mountain Unrest. State is “meh” 4-4 last 8 against the Top 25. After averaging 48 points-per-tilt-against thru first half-dozen I-A games, Aggies finally dragged (kicking and screaming!) the defense outta’ da’ locker room to yield only 25 in victory at Wyoming last week. Pretty high number for Coogs’ club whose forte is basically keeping the opponent outta’ the end zone instead of outracing them and USU ain’t gonna’ match SJSU’s 52 or Boise’s 45...Wazzou 40 USU 20
#21 Colorado (-3 ½) over TEXAS TECH: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Full-disclosure, we had no belief NEON and his much-ballyhooed offspring would do anything significant in their first year of the Big Baker’s Dozen (and climbing!), but here they are in the Top 25. Tech escaped our notice as being in last week’s forecast until now. Fine. We’ll just go with it. Bison have strung-together six consecutive gridiron ATS celebrations (covering all three as faves). Losing only by a three-pointer vs. K-State and covered 8 of previous 9 as chalk against opponents coming off SU/ATS wins. Sanders was named earlier by CBS Sports staff as one of da’ worst coaches in I-A competition. Hmmm. “Rush” continues to be a four-letter profanity in Boulder, as CU is among the very lowest tier in run-yardage at 80.6 yards per game, minimally-better than 69 ypg from 2023. Raiders defend throws just one tick higher than only Tulsa in the country. Buffs are #8 in pass yardage. “Guns Up” hosed us last week and again, we don’t have a clue why they’re here for the second-straight forecast except...we spaced it!!...AFLAC 38 Maroon Marauders 27
#23 PITT (-7 ½) over Virginia: Errata: We stated the OSU/PSU was the only match of Top 25 teams last week. We lied. SMU/Pitt was also a Top 25 pairing. OOPS! At 7-1 SU (3-9 in 2023), Panthers’ four-TD loss at current #13 Sudden Methadone U. cost ‘em five spots and nearly got them rejected from the AP Poll altogether this week. Not much to look at “total”-wise as Pitt’s 8 contests have ended 4-4 over/under. Meanwhile, ‘Cats have beaten the line at yawn-worthy 2-2 in last four on the season and are complete dice-roll giving points at home in past 3+ years. On the other sideline, Cavs have been clobbered 99-45 the last two games of ‘24, had a bye last weekend, are 5-2 ATS overall and updating Marc Lawrence trends, have covered 13 of 14 grabbing more than 6 points in the ACC along with Pittsburgh going 11-1 after allowing over 35 to an ACC foe. UVA rested last Saturday and gotten the money in 4 of last 5 vs. the Top 25, but four of those came with spreads of 20 or more. Pitt is middle-of-da-pack in opponent-scoring at 25.4 ppg, but concedes just more than the century mark in rushing yardage... Iron City 33 Wahoos 20
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, all the aforementioned flavors are available topped with Tough-Catch Caramel sauce or Behind-the-Chains Chocolate syrup in Wide-Receiver Waffle Cones...with a healthy dose of Leg-Whipped Cream! More flavors next week!
Ironically, Vindy’s car insurance is thru...Progressive!
An additional in-depth look into history further suggests Harbaugh was found as a babe floating in a basket in the waters of the Huron River near Ann Arbor and was rescued by a cheerleader, who brought him safely ashore and raised him as one of her own!
On a serious note, we send our sincere thoughts of comfort to Kirk Herbstreit of “College Game Day” fame on the loss of his 10-year-old golden retriever, Ben, who usually accompanied the broadcaster/announcer on assignment. We know the pain all too well.
Subsequent to Penn State’s 8th straight loss to da’ Buckeyes, we lead the Nittany Lion faithful in chants of “Squash Coach Like a Roach”, “Bus James to da’ Plains!!!” and “Feed Franklin to da’ Plankton”!!!
Crappy Game of Da’ Week...FBS rook 1-7 Kennesaw State (which mysteriously topped previously-unbeaten Liberty) @ 1-8 UTEP (whose eight scoreboard setbacks include losing 27-24 to I-AA Sudden Utah!)
On Election Day, Allegiant Stadium here in Vegas, was transformed into a polling facility. True to his nature, Raiders QB Gardner Minshew fumbled his ballot into the hands of an opposing party...during the bye week!
If Madonna draws a 15-yard penalty flag, is it for “Unsportsmanlike A Virgin Conduct”?!
Last February, fans were allowed to insert themselves into a “uniformed body-cast mold” featuring their fave team’s logo fer selfies, etc. at the Super Bowl Experience provided by Mandalay Bay. Vindicator, bein’ da’ bumbling buffoon that he is, managed to entrap himself in said sarcophagus-like display with limited oxygen before first-responders could rescue him. LVCVA officials had mixed emotions, noting the “world-famous forecaster” “coulda’ been a profitable attraction alongside King Tut’s tomb” at the Luxor!
A day following the Florida Panthers’ NHL final series triumph over the Edmonton Oilers, ‘Cats (Rats??!!) Matthew Tkachuk was seen falling into the Atlantic Ocean with the Stanley Cup. Oh sure. But could he have survived the Fremont Experience Zipline or Bunji-jump from atop the Strat in Las Vegas without losing his grip on the coveted hardware???!!!!
Many folks don’t know (we certainly didn’t) that Olympic divers hit da’ showers right after each plunge to stave off cramping and stay toasty. Needin’ all the help he can get, Vindy will start doing that too for similar purposes!
With college hoops now underway, we note that in April ahead of the Final Four, VP Kamala Harris erroneously asserted that the women’s NCAA Tournament prohibited brackets until just a couple seasons ago, when in fact, brackets for that contest had been around since the early 80’s. POTUS Joe Biden chimed-in, saying, “Even I knew better than that.” before jokingly instructing the Veep to “Gimme twenty laps and fitty free-throws.”
Much consternation occurred after February incidents in which star-players from the visiting teams were injured while ecstatic home fans charged the college hoops hardwood after major upsets. Our solution to “court-storming”? Fans of the significant home-dog should be fitted, upon entrance to the venue, with collars that emit tazers, or at least tranquilizer darts, if they cross a designated barrier before those systems are disarmed. Convince us we’re wrong!
We caught an August article about a famous wizarding world indicating “Live bats would sometimes would get stuck in Hagrid’s fake beard.” Just a thought, but maybe the Harry Potter Keeper of Da’ Keys & Ground Crews and Professor of Care of Magical Creatures should stand a little farther away from home plate!
There are essentially four possible outcomes (tie/”push” notwithstanding) to any football game...favorite wins and covers da’ spread, underdog loses but covers da’ spread (or wins outright, doing likewise), total points go “over” or total points finish “under”. Which means that at given time there are two correct decisions outta’ four...a fitty-fitty proposition...so WTF are we doing at a 40% success-rate????!!!!
Earlier this week, KPGA golfer Tom Kim drew a verbal lashing after damaging the door on his locker in frustration of late-hole miscues. No truth to the rumor Kim also took a nine-iron to a nearby bucket of Gatorade or launched a metal folding chair onto the green a la Bobby Knight!
Black Shirt: Leftover shards of a bleak bodice go to Cowpokes’ RB Sesi Vaihali for an 11-yard touchdown tote vs. the Stun Devils, propelling the final total “over 57 ½" (our lone “best bet” dubya!).
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Last Week: 0-1 Season: 5-5 (.500). Army decided to play D instead of sendin’ “Scouts Out” to finish at mere 20-3 win over “Aim High”, well-below our predicted “over 42”.
Shoppe Talk: Iowa State cements its Shoppe presence at 0-6 (.000) following a defensive effort that shows them an actual “L” 23-22 vs. Texas Tech! Nowhere in grenade-range of our predicted “over 57”!
Vindy’s Week 11 Best Bets: Last Week: 1-3 Season: 16-24 (.408) Our proofreader is also being fired (Oh wait....that’s us!) for scribing the total on Arizona State/Oklahoma State was “over 5 ½” (rather than 57 ½!)
Fresno State @ USAF “under 41”, JAMES MADISON –16 ½ over Joja’ State, UL-MONROE +7 over Texas State, NC STATE –3 over Duke
No comments:
Post a Comment