VINDICATOR, OTHERS PENALIZED FOR FLAG-PLANTING
LAS VEGAS, Nevada (AP)...Planting of school flags on rivals’ sacred home-turf following wins by visiting teams across the country spurred fisticuffs, and fines for such teams as Ohio State and Michigan, over the weekend. Locally, the fab forecaster lost some benefits after he similarly forcibly inserted a banner bearing his house sigil in the middle of a sportsbook after going perfect on his weekly “best bets” (see below!). Security responded quickly to deter any ensuing violence, but casino directors immediately eliminated Vindy’s regularly-comped three-and-a-half hours in a hotel room, reduced his rewards club points to zero (all five of ‘em, [Editor’s Note: “Those bastards!”]), cut-off his one-for-the-price of two buffet coupons and restricted his no-cost beverages to soy milk only!
In the aftermath of yet-another losing 2-3 “effort” (28-41-1, .405) in Week 14, the sportsbook should be compin’ us a wedding suite and our choices (yes, we said “choices”!!!) of “brides” among da’ cocktail servers! Havin’ noted that, our “best bets” kicked some major boo-tay!
Leadin’ da’ nation in YAC...yawns after ‘cast”...
THE WEBER KID’S 2024 CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK FORECAST
(Edging out Rob Gronkowski as Sam Elliot’s roommate in the USAA commercial!)
FRI. DEC. 6
Mountain West Championship (@Boise, ID)
#19 Unlv (+4 ½) over #10 BOISE STATE (“over 57 ½): The dreaded double-call (a side and a total). Dial 9-1-1! Radio fer an airstrike! Run fer yer lives! Okay...maybe not. We used the extra spot here to bump Miami-Ohio vs. Ohio from the usual first five of our forecast because...well...nobody outside da’ Marijuana Agricultural Combine gives a flyin’ rat’s! During July’s media days, UNLV was predicted to finish as the maid-of-honor in the Bounding Mess Conference behind Boise State. Vegas officials should be mailing a boatload of Christmas cards to Fresno State, who conquered Colorado State, in the midst of a 1-3 straight-up skid, providing the Rebels with the lone game of assistance they needed to get here and face da’ Broncos fer the third time in twelve months and allowing them a shot at the playoffs as the top-ranked Group-of-Five member! “Hey Reb” has not lost a road game this year and beat Houston and Kansas as ‘dogs away from Allegiant Stadium. Vegas lost a tough 29-24 match in Sin City vs. the Broncos in October, but held Heisman candidate RB Ashton Jeanty to his second-lowest output at 128 yards (ironically, FCS Portland State kept him to 127 back in September). Tater-Heads are just 3-2 as home-chalk but with no margin-of-victory by fewer than 7. Only BSU scoreboard demise was 37-34 at currently-#1 Oregon. Unimpressive 17-13 win by State at Laramie gives us hope the Rebels can pull it off, but conservatively, we’ll just take the points behind the #4 rushing offense in the Mouse Arrest...Blue Fielders 34 UNLV 31
SAT. DEC. 7
B10 Championship (@ Indianapolis, IN)
#3 Penn State (+3 ½) over #1 Oregon: UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. Before we go any further, this is not blind allegiance to the Alma Mater, but rather about the fact that the Nits have been around the B10-block way more times than the Decoys! Bold predictions...PSU RB Nick Singleton will have at least two touchdowns and DE Abdul Carter will notch two sacks. Mallards controversially took down Ohio State in mid-October and squeaked by the aforementioned possible CFP contestant Boise State 37-34 on Da’ Pond. Lions’ strength-of-schedule ‘til now doesn’t really wow us, but getting more than field goal on a neutral site does. Drakes’ head coach Dan Lanning revealed his secondary, during practices, dons boxing gloves to help reduce penalties for grabbing jerseys. As an unintended result, his DBs instead are just delivering body-blows vs. wide-receivers after watching hours of the 1984 video-game “Punch-Out”, featuring an animated version of Mike Tyson! ...State 31 Quack Attack 24
SEC Championship (@ Atlanta, GA)
#5 Georgia (+2 ½) over #2 Texas: “LOCK OF DA’ WEEK”. We sense a certain pattern of underdog calls building here. Texas decision on quarterbacks seems to be in-flux for this one. Might very-well see both QBs on the field with Arch Manning as a change-of-pace given his late red zone performance in win over A&M. Here’s a new stat....thus far, Texas tops the country in “drive-stop rate”, killing 81.8% of opponents drives without a score! Meanwhile, Steers in their inaugural presence in the SEC has logged dubyas in 7 of its 8 games, but still hasn’t bested the conference’s top-tier folks, losing by 15 to Georgia, in Austin. We’re not sold. ‘Dawgs have finished below this total (49 ½ as we go to press). Maybe the Cattle were “playin’ possum” in 17-7 win over A&M, knowin’ this was comin’. Maybe not. Joja’s only falls came at ‘Bama and at Ole Mysterious. Puppies enter this one following 8 (count’ em 8!) extra frames vs. ‘da' Wramblin’ Wreck after the zebras missed a blatant penalty call! UT has implemented a “turnover-trophy” procedure in which the pigskin gets skewered by a longsword...known as “Texcalibur”. The player responsible for the miscue gets to invoke a classic quote from “Monty Python & Da’ Holy Grail” and jokingly assert...”I’m the Black Knight. I’m ‘invincible! ’”!...UGA 27 Tejas 24
ACC Championship (@ Charlotte, NC)
#8 Southern Methodist vs. #18 Clemson (“under 56). Damn-near officially-called Southie Marrakesh –2 ½. Horses are 11-1 straight-up/6-2 ATS in conference (7-4 overall) with best win 34-27 at Louisville, which toppled the Tigers by a dozen in the wee days of November. CU’s last four FBS tilts ended below this total. Mustangs, beat Boston College by 10 and, in our opinion, have played a tougher than Clemson, going 3-0 SU/ATS against Top 25 foes, while ‘Cats have faced (and lost) vs. their only ranked opponent (South Carolina last week). Tigers make the conference final even in light of Dabo Swinney’s NTC policy...”No Transfers to Clemson” (as opposed to the Army’s “National Training Center” at Ft. Irwin, California! Not crushed that we didn’t get deployed there during our six-years as a soldier, but we digress!)...Polypynees (the Greek god of equestrian sports!) 24 Clemson 20
B12 Championship (@ Arlington, TX)
#12 Arizona State vs. #16 Iowa State (+1)(50): Oh, sure! Like we’re gonna’ give the Cyclones a chance to hose us for the 8th time a row?! (Though we admit the previously-mentioned Shorthorns have the opportunity to do likewise!). Doing our best “Dr. Evil” impersonation from the “Austin Powers” movie-series, we hold our pinky to the edge of our lips and quip “How ‘bout nooooo??!!” We’ll simply note Pitchforks’ star WR Jordyn Tyson is gone fer the duration with an injury. Bet this one at yer own risk!
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, a normally mild-mannered cocktail-server was so offended by the prestigious prognosticator’s display of disrespect, she drenched his Philadelphia Iggles jersey with a full glass of dark chocolate raspberry jalapeno-infused, gerbil-flavored Diet Coke! (If ya haven’t been to a grocery store lately, stroll down the soda aisle! You’ll see what we mean!)
On a serious note, much respect to Texas HC Steve Sarkisian for stopping his charges from the whole “flag-planting” thing followin’ their victory at A&M! Well done, Coach fer showing some grace!
As a follow-up to our Oregon analysis, we note one defender even went all-Mike Tyson mode and tried to bite the ear off an opposing pass-catcher, but ended up with nuthin’ more than a mouthful of *helmet* for his efforts!!!!
Penalty announcement of da’ year...during the Penn State-Maryland game, da’ ref said” False start...everybody but the center!” Each offending player was assessed five yards, leading to a cumulative loss of fitty on the play!
Texas Longhorns’ mascot Bevo will not make the trip to Atlanta this week due to logistical issues we won’t bore ya with. In his place however will be the band Devo, who will fire-up a rousing version of “Whip It” anytime the Steers have the ball on offense! Meanwhile, the bovine-in-question did manage to find his to Las Vegas in time to participate in this year’s National Forecasters' Rodeo!
In May, the NFL was scopin’-out “The Land Down Under” as a possible future site fer a regular-season football game. If Capital One sponsored the contest, would we see commercials askin’ “What’s in Yer Wallaby??!!” Would we see a Steve Irwin impersonator put his head inside the mouth of a lineman after quippin’ “Crikey! Let’s just see what this big fella’ had fer lunch!”??!! Would concessionaires offer vegemite sammiches and Foster’s Lager (“Australian fer Beer!”)???!!! Would the scoreboard feature episodes of “Bluey” during halftime?! (Yeah, we had to Google the reference too!).
Is it just us or does anyone else who watched begoggled Indiana State big man Robbie Avila in the NIT last Spring think he resembles The Owl from “The Watchmen”???!!!!
If a certain battle scene from “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” meets a post-game statistical recap, do we hear Legolas ask Gimli, “Shall I describe it to you, or would you like me to find you a box score?!”
If baseball meets the “Wizard of Oz”, does Dorothy say, “There’s no plates like home, there’s no plates like home, there’s no plates like home.”
SEASON RECAP
BEST WEEKLY EFFORT: 4-1 to open the season! (Then after Week 5, it all went to Hell!)
WORST WEAKLY EFFORT: Where do we start?????!!!! We went 1-4 FIVE TIMES in a span of seven weeks!!!!!!!!
WEBER-FRIENDLIES: (best percentage on da’ predicted side of da’ spread/total minimum 4 at-bats in the picks cumulatively this season and last): This season’s Allstate “Yer in Good Hands” Award goes to Clemson (3-0, 1.000 [4-1. 800 back to last year]. Second Place to Michigan (3-1, .750 [and 6-2 back to 2023]).
FLAME-THROWERS: (worst percentage on da’ predicted side of da’ spread/total minimum 4 at-bats in the picks cumulatively this season and last): Spoiler-alert! This year’s “Grill-Master Supreme” Award (ya can still see the scorch-marks on my wallet) goes to Iowa State (0-6, .000 [0-7 since last year]). “Suckin’ Place” to Texas (0-3 in ‘24 but 0-7 since last year!). Dishonorable Mention to Kansas (0-4, .000 this campaign and 0-6 to ‘23).
Black Shirt: Our highly-discounted Black Friday Tee-Shirt goes to Clemson quarterback Cade Klubnik fer throwin’ an INT from the Gamecocks’ 18 with 16 ticks remaining, sealin’ our upset pick of South Carolina over da’ Tigers!
“Locked in a Box”: Last Week: 0-1 Season: 7-7 (.500).
Vindy’s Championship Week Best Bets: Last Week: 4-0, Baby! (As noted in our lead story!) Guess the free set of steak knives we mentioned last week will have to wait (Google a certain scene from “A Few Good Men”!). Season: 23-33 (.410)
#24 ARMY +5 over Tulane (yes, we’re going back to the “Earth-Pigs” despite the fact they cost us a “lock” pick last Saturday vs. UTSA [that doesn’t mean Captain Weber hasn’t been droppin’ ‘em fer push-ups all week! “Thank you. Sir! May I please have another!”]), Western Kentucky @ JACKSONVILLE “under 57 ½”, Marshall +5 ½ over LOUISIANA
Up next...our thoughts on Army-Navy! Hang around and find out, Sportsfans!
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