FOUL MOUTH SENDS LEPRECHAUNS COACH INTO "ORBIT"
SOUTH BEND, Indiana (BBC)...A recently-aired "60 Minutes" interview that included reference to the vocabulary of Charlie Weis during profanity-laden sideline tirades has landed the Frightenin’ Irish coach a spot in a 30-second ad for Orbit gum. The coach’s language has not only embarrassed officials at Notre Dame, but has reportedly caused the Touchdown Jesus statue on campus to cover its ears and has become fodder for an episode of Comedy Central’s "South Park". Weis, a Garden State native who ironically got his degree in communications from the local Catholic university and taught English back home in New Jersey, appears in the spot alongside the British bombshell who asks the question, "Dirty mouth?!". He has also been rumored to have accepted a bit part in a future showing of the "Sopranos" on HBO! Reporters were unable to reach the coach for comment, but attempts to contact Weis by phone were met with an answering machine message that can’t printed!
Fresh off a 9-11 Week Ten (88-94-5, .483 season) and fired up after being called a "prognostication imbecile for not recognizing the University of Pyongpang as a Top 25 team" by the North Korean Foreign Ministry, Vindicator hopes to not post 100 losses before hitting the century mark in forecast wins this year and submits...
THE WEBER KID’S 2006 WEEK 11 FORECAST
(Caution: High Explosive Picks. This Side Toward Sportsbook!)
THURS. NOV. 9
#3 Louisville over #15 RUTGERS giving 6: Cards made Miami’s vaunted defense (the one on the field, not the one in the court room) look terrible. Knights are #2 nationally in total D and 4th in passing D. They’ll need every inch and the strength of their own rushing attack to win. Louisville’s putting up 10 more ppg in conference play and allowing 7 more ppg in Big Least competition than Rutgers. Weber wants nothing more than a Knights victory, but apologizes to the all the fans at Exit 9B of the Jersey Turnpike and calls...Redbirds 34 NJ Paladins 24
Wyoming over #25 BYU taking 19 ½: Tough to go against a blazing Mormons team on a 5-0 ATS run playing at home. The Mountain Jest’s top total defense and top pass stoppers wander into Provo to face the conference’s #1 total offense and #1 passing game. Coogs will have to run effectively. They will...but not enough to beat the number ...BYU 24 Wyoming 17
SAT. NOV. 11
#1 Ohio State over NORTHWESTERN giving 23: After scare from the Illini, Jim Tressel won’t mess around here and will put this outta’ reach early as State charges into Michigan game...Buckeyes 48 NW 10
#2 Michigan over INDIANA giving 19: Wolverines’ last match before probable BCS semi-final at Columbus on 11/18. Hoosiers were brought back to reality by shellacking at Minnesota last week. Lloyd Carr can’t afford to pull the A-team defense out early in this one. Out on a limb with Big Blue sucking as a double-digit fave...Michigan 38 Indy 13
#4 Texas over KANSAS STATE giving 17 1/2: With Louisville still having another opportunity or three to be upset, ‘Horns can still look for return to the BCS title game. Rocking the Wildcats would weigh in their favor. Texas would’ve beaten Oklahoma State by about 30 had the Cowpokes not managed an 89-yard kickoff return for TD... Steers 44 KSU 16
#5 AUBURN over Georgia giving 13: Collectively, the Tigers and Dawgs have a single spread win between ‘em in their last 13 tries! We’ll take Aubie, who at least has momentum over Joja’, who has lost four of five outright and appears to have quit on the season...Auburn 30 UGA 10
South Carolina over #6 FLORIDA taking 13 1/2: Arkansas staved off South Carolina behind a 200+ yards-rushing effort by RB Darren McFadden. Gators have no such ground weapon and are 1-5 in their last 6 ATS...Crocs 20 SC 17
#7 USC over #21 Oregon giving 7 ½: The straight up triumph by the Beavers has to provide the Mallards with some confidence, but bad defeats at Washington State and Cal suggest the Decoys aren’t quite ready...Troy 30 Quack Attack 21
ARIZONA over #8 California taking 13 ½: This is more of a nod to Arizona’s defense, which, minus trip to Baton Rouge in early September, has been pretty good all season. Bears have USC up next...Cal 21 AZ 10
AIR FORCE over #9 Notre Dame taking 11 ½: Including the 2006 win and cover over Navy, ND is only 3-4 ATS vs. the service academies (mostly the Middies and Flyboys) over the last few seasons. The Pilots are 1-2 ATS at home in the last 3. Catholics’ only spread win in the last six games was over Navy. Expect Bono, Ozzy Osbourne, Eric Cartman, Pitt QB Tyler Palko and fellow-Orbit alum Snoop Dogg to become assistant coaches under Mr. Weis in 2007!... Leprechauns 28 USAF 24
Cincinnati over #10 WEST VIRGINIA taking 18: Before the loss to Louisville, WVU coach Rodriguez said something akin to "there might be some fans who wanna’ toss me off the Westover Bridge (in Morgantown), but I’m not jumpin’ off." Upon further review of game-film, looks like Coach was sporting a bungee cord under his clothes when he got off the bus in West Virginia...Mounties 27 Bearkats 13
#11 ARKANSAS over #13 Tennessee giving 5 1/2: Razorbacks didn’t lose any steam behind back-up QB Casey Dick last week. He’ll start this one too as freshman QB Mustain grabs a little pine, at least at kickoff. Vols might be flat now that they’re outta’ the race for the SEC East...Hogs 27 Tennessee 20
#12 LSU over Alabama giving 17: Two great defenses go toe-to-toe down on the Bayou. This could easily be a 12-9 affair, but Bengals offense will far exceed that of ‘Bama. Alabammy hasn’t been limited to single-digits yet. Of Tide’s 16 points last week, 7 came via an interception returned for touchdown. In light of a Bronx Zoo research study showing elephants recognize themselves in mirrors and use the mirrors to explore hidden parts of themselves, State plans to stock the visitors’ sidelines with reflective glass...LSU 27 ‘Bama 6
SAN JOSE STATE over #14 Boise State taking 13 ½: Broncos have covered only one of four away from the azure home-field. If Spartans can grab the straight up win here, their only likely remaining loss would be at Hawaii. Boise spreads have been droppin’ like Olympic coverage TV ratings. The outright SJSU victory wouldn’t shock this prophet...Potato-Mashers 41 No Longer San Josie State & Da’ Pussycats 33
#16 Wisconsin over IOWA (PK): Badgers starting QB Stocco is out. UW intentionally ran offside on consecutive kickoffs to run out the 1st half clock vs. Penn State and JoPa took a helmet in the knee from a Wisky defender that did Jeff Golooly proud! Maybe the Badgers have a similar plan for Hayden Frye and his boys! We’ll still side with huge Wisconsin linemen over disappointing Hawkeyes...Badgers 17 Iowa 9
#17 OKLAHOMA over Texas Tech giving 9: Red Raiders’ 5-4 spread record reflects the inconsistency of this Tech squad. Will it be the one that scored 31 in road win at College Station over A&M or the one that posted all of two FGs in 30-6 loss at now 1-9 Colorado?...Sooners 31 Tech 20
#18 Wake Forest over FLORIDA STATE taking 7 ½: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Hmmm... destruction of Virginia squad that wasn’t expected to do much anyway notwithstanding, why do the Injuns continue to lay points. Deacons looking like class of the ACC...Wake 24 ‘Noles 21
North Carolina over #19 GEORGIA TECH taking 13 ½: ‘Heels on 2-0 ATS run following 0-5-1 start. If Vin backs da’ Bees, he knows Reggie Ball will have one those four-interception games. Gotta’ take the points...GT 20 UNC 9
Kent State over #20 VIRGINIA TECH taking 28 1/2: Surprising Flashes were averaging 32 ppg during a five-game win streak before backsliding to 6.5 ppg in two straight defeats to Ohio and Buffalo! Weather in Blacksburg might force Hokies to throw a shutout to cover...Tech 27 Kent State 3
#22 BOSTON COLLEGE over Duke giving 28: In July, Duke QB Zack Asack was suspended for plagiarism. Wouldn’t have been a problem if he’d been copying Vince Young or Matt Leinart! Devils get confused and break the offensive huddle with five guys and a round, orange ball right about this time of the year...BC 38 Blue Devils 0
#23 MARYLAND over Miami giving 3: Vindicator originally asked John Kerry to tell a joke about the Hurricanes in this spot, but eventually backed out, fearing the political figure would botch the punch-line...Terps 23 ‘Canes 16
Nebraska over #24 TEXAS A&M (PK): Huskers have made too much progress this year to falter against improving Aggies...Nebraska 19 A&M 16
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
The headline of an April 12 AP story read..."Bush knew trailers weren’t WMD proof". The Bush administration claimed trailers captured soon after the fall of Baghdad proved Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, even though US intelligence officials had strong evidence that was not the case. (And boy, was John Madden pissed! He STILL hasn’t gotten his Player of the Game pictures back!)
Bengals WR Chad Johnson was fined $5K for placing a "Ocho Cinco" tag on his jersey and having Carson Palmer yank it off in front of cameras just before kickoff of Cincy’s loss to Atlanta. Not to be outdone, the Weber Kid will have former Lions QB Todd Blackledge rip off "Mas Tequila" from his own jersey to reveal "Vindicator!" at whatever post-season venue Penn State lands in!
In January 2007, former NFL Commish Paul Tagliabue will receive college sports’ top award, the "Teddy". Now...while Vindicator is all for Title IX and stuff, he really doesn’t want to know what the 65-year-old Tags is gonna’ do with a piece of racy lingerie! Kind of an odd choice in this forecaster’s humble opinion for the NCAA to use to bestow an honor, but...hey...what’s the Weber Kid know???!!! (Can’t wait to see that puppy hangin’ in Tagliabue’s trophy case!!!)
"Locked in a Box?": Vin goes to 6-4 (.600) behind Razorbacks cover over South Carolina (barely!)
Shoppe Talk: Texas is just beggin’ to be the main course for a BBQ at 2-7. The Irish get a week off, but hang around at 2-6. The Sooners are back in the Shoppe at 2-6-1and the Ducks are quickly lining up in the shooting gallery at 2-6.
Vindy’s Week 11 Best Bets: Last Week: 4-1 Season: 25-22-1 (.531)
SAN DIEGO STATE -7 ½ over unlv, Rice +14 over TULSA, Iowa State +8 ½ over COLORADO, New Mexico State +11 ½ over FRESNO STATE, Washington State -1 ½ over ARIZONA STATE