Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Between the Hashmarks Week 10-2014
POLITICAL PLOY BOLSTERS COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAMPISCATAWAY, New Jersey (UPI)…Last January, Garden State governor Chris Christie canned Deputy Chief of Staff Bridget Anne Kelly for her role in the deliberate, politically-motivated closing of traffic lanes into the George Washington Bridge. Kelly was immediately picked up by the Scarlet Knights, who were 8th in the conference in scoring defense and 4th- worst nationally in passing defense last season, as defensive coordinator. Said one of Rutgers’ staffers, “Anybody that can create that kinda’ stoppage at-will like that (four straight days) can certainly improve our D!”
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKSBTW, there’s no truth to the rumor that Christie had anything to do with the delayed-drafting of a certain former Cardinal QB…an incident the media dubbed “Teddy Bridgewater-Gate”
Highlander meets the LA KISS Arena Football League reality show in…”4th and Connor McLeod”!Following last Thursday’s loss by the San Diego Chargers to the Denver Broncos, Hannibal Lecter was quoted as saying, “I ate Philip Rivers with some fava beans and a fine Chianti!”
Rocky Horror Picture Show meets da’ Cleveland Browns/Texas A&M Aggies…“In just…seven….days, I can…make you…a Manziel!” and “It’s just a jump off-side to the left…and a step to da’ riiiiiii-iiiight…Put yer handoffs on yer hips…now, yer doin’ it riii-iiight….”In related news, the starting A&M quarterback meets Bride of Chucky…”Kenny Jennifer Tilly”?!
We implore the NCAA or the Big Tent-Peg Conference to provide some answers regarding the crews “officiating” the Lions previous two games. State was incorrectly ruled “offside” after recovering an onside kick that would’ve provided at least an opportunity to go for a potential winning score on their final drive in the loss at Michigan, meanwhile the idiots in stripes granted the Buckeyes an interception on PSU’s first drive, on a ball that upon review clearly hit the ground, which led to an OSU touchdown, and later let the Buckeyes get away with a FG that was kicked after the play-clock expired, putting the visitors up 10-0 early. We tuned away from that game when OSU went up 17-0 before the half and the Lions’ offense looking like D-O…D-O (thus missing the Lions attempted comeback that fell short in double-OT!). After the Ohio State debauchery, pictures showed up on Facebook, and probably the rest of the ‘Net, featuring referees being led around by seeing-eye dogs. We think the service-animals coulda’ called a better game!Elsewhere, the hometown Rebels finally lost a fumble, the last team in Division I-A this year to do so, in a covering loss at Utah State.
At the betting counter, our straight wagers on Maryland +11 over WISCONSIN and South Florida +10 over CINCINNATI failed to materialize. We did however cash a parlay featuring Weeziana Tech -10 over SOUTHERN MISS and Reno -3 over HAWAII (hats off to Da’ Pack for the rally and cover!). BTW, we’re takin’ a page from the Michigan playbook vs. the Spartans and plantin’ a pre-bet wooden stake in da’ sportsbook! If it blows up in our face, we’ll simply claim we saw a vampire! Money down already on Colorado State -7 over SAN JOSE STATE, UTEP -6 ½ over Southern Miss, Illinois +28 ½ over OHIO STATE, North Carolina +17 over MIAMI and Utah State -3 over HAWAII. Also getting a look...Navy +14 over Notre Dame (@ Baltimore, MD), Air Force -3 ½ over ARMY, South Alabama +6 over UL-LAFAYETTE and Arizona +6 ½ over UCLA.Recent incidents at soccer venues in Europe have brought to light the potential dangers of having drones in sports stadiums. Our solution? Station air-defense artillery units in the end zones or other strategic positions! Oregon fans may however take offense to nickname of the Army branch-in-question…”Duck Hunters”. Might give second-thoughts to Green Bay Packers players contemplating that whole “Lambeau Leap” thing! BTW, fer the drone- operators out there, if “Weapons Free” flashes across the Jumbo-Tron, it means…”If it flies, it dies!”
Fightin’ Irish true-frosh wide-out Justin Brent is apparently involved with 40-sumthin’-yer-old Lisa Ann, who has been in many an adult- film (…or so we’ve heard!). Is he gonna’ “Win one fer da’ stripper?!”. Are Irish thighs smilin’?! How often do ya see a Leprechaun with a Cougar?! Is she helping him learn the triple-X’s and O’s?! Is he memorizin’ the foreplay-book?!Lane Kiffin’s mommie expressed concern for her son’s well-being as he returned to Knoxville this past weekend. Kiffin led Tennessee to an 8-4 SU record (5-3 SEC) in his lone 2009 stint, which saw significant victories over only Joja’ and South Carolina (who went 7-6, losing by 13 in the post-season to UConn) just to lose the bowl game that year by 23 to VirginiaTech. But Kiffin’s successors suffered three straight 5-win campaigns after his departure. Guess that explains why the Tide OC was wearin’ an old-school hockey mask and clutchin’ a machete on the sidelines during ‘Bama’s win over the Vols on Saturday!
Earlier this month, Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin prohibited his players from exchanging unis with members of other teams. We’d ask Mike to make an exception this week after seeing the Steelers in those goofy black-and-tan (?) striped outfits, which always makes us immediately think of an old SNL skit featuring the cast sitting around in bee-like costumes (complete with antennae) and talking about “buzzing off”!NBA regular season competition is now underway and reminds us that in March, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un mandated every man in the country to get the same haircut as their supreme leader…a change from the previous ten options. An anonymous official however said the Dennis Rodman turtle-shell ‘do was under consideration as an acceptable alternative!
Nobody touches Vindy’s Dodge Dart…nor his Dart Vader costume!And finally this week…we’ll never purchase anything from eBay ever again. Instead of getting an eerie game-device that would reportedly put us in ”contact” with the “spirit-world” so we could get a little sports-betting guidance, we ended up having our Underoos forcibly-yanked up the crack of our butt and over our ears! Seems the seller-in-question sent us a… “wedgie”-board!