Between the Hashmarks Week 8-2014

COMMUNIST LEADER SIGHTING GOOD NEWS FOR NCAA TEAM?

DALLAS, Texas (AP)…Until Tuesday, when he was spotted with a walking stick, Kim Jong Un had not been seen in public since September 3rd. Similarly AWOL have been the offenses of UConn, South Florida, Kent State and…SMU, which is at the bottom of Division I-A in points-scored, totaling 36 in five games. Putting that in perspective, the next lowest totals belong to I-AA Cornell (39 points, 0-4 in the Ivy League) and Austin Peay (40, 0-6, in the Ohio Valley Conference cellar). In addition, the whereabouts of the Mustangs’ D is still unknown, MIA since the 2013 regular-season finale (a 17-13 loss to Central Florida). Local fans believe the positive reemergence of the North Korean leader could likewise portend good fortune for SMU’s offense, as the Pony Express and teammates this week host Cincinnati, which has yielded an average of 41 points-per-game thus far and almost 49 per game over its last three tilts. No truth the rumor that Jong Un was overheard doing his best Gandalf-at-the-steps-of-Edoras impersonation from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, quipping, “Oh…you wouldn’t part an old man from his walking-stick, would you?”

BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS

The Northwestern Wildcats will be sportin’ their new “Gothic” unis vs. Nebraska this week. In related news, the Philadelphia Iggles donned all-black duds to host the G-Men and pitched a 23-0 shutout. On that note, we fully concur with N-Dub’s fashion-choice (and recommend a certain well-known AC/DC tune be blasted over the PA system at Ryan Field!). BTW, after dropping a tough game to Minnesota (see our betting results below), ‘Cats coach Pat Fitzgerald said da’ Gophers’ offense “takes half the game away standing in the huddle and talking about what they’re ordering for dinner.”. Interesting comment, considering NW had nearly three more minutes in time-of-possession and won most of the statistical categories. Apparently, the Gilded Gerbils, instead of hashin’ out a nine-course meal,  musta’ simply decided early on DiGiorno pizza!

For all their woes, the hometown-hero Rebels of UNLV had not coughed-up a fumble (nor had Boston College, Mizzou or [GASP!] Kansas) entering last Friday’s game vs. Fresno State.  Still none for UNLV. Mizzou gave up one in the blow-out loss to Joja’! BC also lost one while the Jayhawks put it on the ground three times, but recovered all of ‘em, leaving UNLV and Kansas as the only two teams sans a lost-fumble???!!!

We sent up a signal-flare ahead of Tennessee’s tilt vs. FCS Chattanooga and Vanderbilt’s contest against FCS Charleston Southern. The Vols wasted little time putting away their opponent, but the CSU Buccaneers pulled within a point of the Commodores early in the 4^th Quarter and Vandy held on over the final 10 minutes to escape with the 21-20 win.

If ya didn’t watch Auburn’s demise at Mississippi State, War Beagle shot itself in the paw early-and-often with penalties in its 35-23 loss. And other mistakes like a missed 27-yard FG attempt didn’t help. But frankly, the Bulldogs didn’t look all that stellar either, but made Auburn pay for mistakes. Speaking of errors, UNLV coach Bobby Hauck got called out for attempting a fake punt from his own side of the field while leading Fresno 17-0 early. MSU tried that too, up 21-0 on Auburn. Ultimately, both teams won their games, but…Yikes! What were they thinking!

One of the CBS commentators noted the broadcast crew had no rosters showing anyone for Auburn associated with uniform #91following an ineligible-substitution flag thrown on a player sporting said-digits! Vindy spies say the offending player was actually an MSU fan who found an unguarded uniform, infiltrated the Tigers’ sidelines and waited for an opportune time to run onto the field and draw the flag! Or maybe it was Jean-Claude Damme, who once, while portraying a fire-marshal trying to save spectators and players at a hockey arena from terrorists, slipped onto the ice dressed as a goalie and stopped a shot during an NHL playoff game in “Sudden Death”!

Many of the home-fans at Davis Wade Stadium were clad in “Stark Vegas” shirts. Doing some research, we discovered it’s apparently not unusual for cities with names ending “ville” to swap that suffix for “Vegas”, which reportedly makes it sound like the berg has more pizazz. Obvious examples then would be KnoxVegas, LouisVegas and GainesVegas, but we’re awaiting release of The AmityVegas Horror!

Congrats to Eastern Michigan for upsetting Buffalo as a two-touchdown underdog and equaling its number of SU wins in each of the past two seasons. EMU has bested Western Michigan three straight years and the Broncos show up later on the schedule. The Eagles went 2-9 ATS (vs. Division I-A teams) in 2013. By our numbers, the Y-Town Birds are currently 2-2-1 against the line.

Our betting efforts were fruitless last week after Northwestern (+4) yielded a 100-yard kickoff return for TD immediately after tying Minnesota at 17-17 mid-4th Quarter, losing by 7 and wasting a nice cover by Louisville (+9 ½) at Clemson later that day. Likewise, Air Force (+7) lost by 18 at Utah State to render an outright win by Boston College (+4) at NC State meaningless. That what Vindy gets for letting Super-Creepy Rob Lowe decide his wagers! (BTW, our cable was out, so we spent Saturday down at the playground watchin’ Pop Warner games!).

No money down yet, but here’s a few selections we’re considering taking to da’ sportsbook counter…MARYLAND -4 ½ over Iowa, South Florida -1 ½ over TULSA, Rutgers +19 over OHIO STATE and Iowa State +12 ½ over TEXAS. Also on the radar…Washington +20 ½ over OREGON.

If yer scorin’ at home, the underdogs went 12-2-1 ATS (including four outright victories) in the 15 games involving at least one ranked team last week (depending upon where ya had Stanford. We had the Cardinal at -17, pushing the 34-17 victory vs. Wazzou)!

In a follow-up to last week’s “lead story” about the Vegas Hempfest, we note that last May, the NFL contemplated a threshold for positive marijuana drug tests. Sounds like Pro Bowlers might eventually be able to enjoy a little Maui Wowie and the Cleveland Browns could grow some Toledo Window Box! (Raise yer hand if ya know the Toledo Window Box reference!)

BTW, did anybody else out there realize Super Bowl 48 featured teams from states that legalized recreational marijuana-use. We were waitin’ to see which side would get whistled first for an illegal helmet-to-helmet bong-hit! Gave a whole new meanin’ to “shotgun” formation!

On the ice…NHL meets Chemistry…“A beta-blocker save and a beauty!”

And finally…Cowboys RB Joseph Randle got popped for an attempted five-finger discount of a tester-bottle of cologne and a two-pack of undies from Dillard’s. Assuming the store recovered the nearly-stolen items, we have to wonder if Randle will go be forced to go “commando” vs. the Giants on Sunday. And if so, will he approach Dallas owner Jones and rattle off a Kramer quote from Seinfeld about boxers vs. jockeys…”I’m out there, Jerry and I’m luvvvin’ every minute of it!”?