NFL DRAFT PRE-VIRUS PLANS COME TO LIGHT
LAS VEGAS, Nevada (REUTERS)...Almost six-months after-the-fact, the National Football league disclosed details for what would have been the 2020 Draft. Illusionist Criss Angel was expected to “levitate” an undisclosed pick high-above the pinnacle of the Luxor and players were anticipated to have trouble hearing the announcements thru Goodell’s N95 mask! Early first-round draft-picks were planning to zip-line from the audience to the stage to accept the traditional jersey/hat combo from an Elvis-impersonating Goodell, flanked by Las Vegas showgirls in a nod to former Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman, as the Bellagio fountains danced to a choreographed gyration to the tune of “Are You Ready Fer Some Football” with Cirque Du Soleil acrobats performing overhead!! Players instead received Amazon drone-deliveries of masks and bottles of sanitizer bearing the team-logos. The Commissioner ultimately ended-up broadcasting from his mother’s basement, where he secretly resides when not in his work-office, putting up an oversized wall-hanging of the Bellagio and installed lawn-sprinklers to simulate the water-based entertainment.
Last week’s 3-2 finally put us in the black at 7-6 (538). In June 2020, North Korea threatened to blanket the South in “leaflets of punishment”. Turns out said-propaganda pamphlets were just early-drafts of...
THE WEBER KID’S 2020 WEEK 5 FORECAST
(Pickin’ into double-coverage!)
SAT. OCT. 3
#13 Texas A&M (+17) over #2 ALABAMA: Either da’ Commodores rented (usurped?!) the services of former-Admirals'-coach James Franklin (since da’ Alma Mater wasn’t doin’ jack-squat last Saturday) or Aggies were peekin’-ahead to this one (signally a much-welcomed sign of Abby-Normal [fans of Young Frankenstein will get da’ reference!] a season of thus-far WTH). Possibly, A&M was limiting the amount of stuff ‘Bama could watch on game-film, keepin’ da playbook under-wraps?! Last meeting was mere 47-38 victory by the Pachyderms in 2018. We think the gap has been closed since then. Back in April, Nick Saban finally got himself his own Yahoo.com account after the missus got fed-up with all the emails meant for him being sent thru her-own electronic address. Wait ‘til Coach discovers the original Playstation and experiences his first game of Super Mario Brothers! Crimson Schneid 24 TAMU 17
#7 Auburn @ #4 GEORGIA (“under 43”): Tigers have posted a total of 24 points vs. the ‘Dawgs the past two years. To-date in 2020, this duo has permitted a combined tally of 23 to Kentucky and Arkansas, while not exactly running-roughshod over either opponent. Tigers return just 4 starters on O, while Joja’ brings back...uhhhh...3...on that side of the ball, but 8 on D. Did we mention we like this as our Upset Pick Of Da’ Week with Auburn getting 7 ½?!...Aubie 20 Pound-Puppies 16
#12 North Carolina @ BOSTON COLLEGE (“under 54”): Tarheels’ offense low-crawled outta’ da locker-room vs. Duke, holding a 10-6 advantage thru three-quarters, but eventually took control, and happily fer us, covered a three-touchdown spread behind three rushing scores for RB Javonte Williams. Collectively, all three (there’s an awful lotta’ threes in this pick, ain’t there???!!!) matches conducted by the two clubs to-date ended below this total. Eagles 24-21 victory over 1-3 SU/3-1 ATS/3-1 “under” Texas State doesn’t inspire us to grab the double-digits. Pattern over past four seasons has shown BC D to have improved in the season following a demise in stoppage. Boston College’s rushing-yards-per-game-allowed went bad about 43 ypg in 2019. Good sign here....UNC 24 BC 14
#17 Oklahoma State (-21 ½) over KANSAS: Best guess for “wish we had it back”. More of a vote against the Jayhawks than a vote of confidence for the Cowboys. Kansas has dropped the past two in the series by 20 and 18, and ignoring the pair of second-half kick-returns fer touchdown at Baylor last Saturday, the spread would appear to be spot-on. Given Cowpokes first two matches ended as 16-7 over Tulsa and 27-13 over the Mounted Ears (both “unders”), there might not be many more than 21 points scored in this one. Bluebirds, did however, lose by more than two-TDs to Coastal Carolina to start the campaign. Look fer Les Miles’ club to improve in 2021, but here, we’ll call it...OKSU 41 Birds 3
#25 Memphis @ SMU (“over 74 ½”): Tigers haven’t taken da’ field against true-bad guys since 9/5, almost a month ago, basically due to COVID-issues and that might be the one caveat for a failed-prediction here. Two of the past three-year’s melees culminated in totals over 100, sandwiched-around a 28-18 anomaly for 2018. Pony Express, now third-year under HC Sonny Dykes, bested this number six times in 2019. MU topped it in five outings. Barring mere 7-points to FCS Stephen F. Austin, in midst of bangin’da’scoreboard fer fitty, Mustangs’ 65-35 win two weeks ago at North Texas floats our boat enuff to call...Southern Masochist 45 MU 37
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, Vin was disappointed, hoping to see Goodell, while absorbing the usual barrage of boos, get “accidentally” knocked into da’ drink, a la...”With the first pick of the 2020 NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select... GAAAAAAHHH!” SPLASH!!!!
Notable trends thru three-weeks of play...Weeziana-Cornrow and Sufferin’ Minsk are at 0-3SU/ATS. ULM and Army West Point at 3-0 “under” (significantly!). Keydets are allowing 10.3 ppg, but we caveat that statement, noting Cincinnati put up 24 on the scoreboard last Saturday!
Following-up on our Week 4 forecast, in lieu of the Thunderbirds, the next Raiders home-contest will feature a fly-over by a squadron of Tye-Fighters!
In season-opener at Nawlins, Raiders’ QB Carr invoked the name of Coach Gruden’s wife vs. the Carolina Panthers, Coach playfully-implored his quarterback to “cease-and-desist". Players, however, did dispel rumors that Carr, would later bark-out audibles with “Cindy Brady”, “Cyndy Lauper”, “Cindy Crawford” or “Cindy-Lou Who”!”
Is it just us or does anyone else out there wanna’ see a touchdown-scoring Green Packers player do the “Lambeau Leap” into a bunch of cardboard-cut-outs behind the end zone????!!!!
Is it possible, all this time, we collectively-heard Peyton Manning audible to “O-ma-haaaaaaaaa“” rather than “Co-Ro-Naaaaaaaaaa"???!!!
If a player suffers an injury on the team flight, does he get wheeled off da’ plane on a snack cart?!
Seen in this week’s Classified Ads...”Help wanted! NHL team seeks former-high-school/college track-star to run quickly through stands surrounding rink while tossing traditional-head-gear onto the ice following a home-team hat-trick! Must also be capable of gathering-up said-display off the surface-of-play shortly-thereafter! Serious-inquiries only!”
In related news, several schools have created a new work-study program fer folks that can retrieve FG-kicks landing in the stands and/or errant/intentional passes surpassing da’ sidelines into da’ seats!
Errata: We published our season total as 6-2 last week, when, in fact, that was our “best bets” tally, rather than the actual 4-5. Uggggh! 2020 math...that’s our excuse and we’re stickin’ to it!!
If a hoops player shoots da’ ball thru a camera-lens without touching the edges, is it...”Nuthin’ But Nikon”??!!!
Black Shirt: This week’s unsurpassed-undergarment is awarded to Baylah Bears RB Craig Williams for ripping-off an unnecessary 26-yard rushing score to send their contest vs. Kansas “over 59 ½”, validating one our two correct “best bet” selections!
Shoppe Talk: The café at Ye Olde Taxidermy Shoppe opens this week serving burgers and steaks after the Steers of Texas (0-2, .000) failed us again fer the second-time in three weeks!
Vindy’s Week 5 Best Bets: Last Week: 2-1 Season: 8-3 (.727) Troy –5 over SOUTH ALABAMA, Texas-San Antonio +18 ½ over UAB, Arkansas @ MISSISSIPPI STATE “under 64”, Arkansas State @ COASTAL CAROLINA “over 63 ½”