Creatively exhausted and “Straight Outta’ Competence...Condiments...Calgon...Cauldron...Common Sense … Condor...”, we fire-up the DeLorean to offer a reprint from about this time in 2007! Longtime loyal readers, bear with us. Newer folks...enjoy a look into the demented mind of yer humble host back in the day!)
MAG NAMES ENTIRE DIVISION NATIONAL CHAMPS
NEW YORK, New York (TMZ)...BCS, Schmee-C-S...It didn’t take long for Time Magazine to apply the same logic to collegiate pigskin that it did to its annual “Person of Da’ Year” as the prestigious periodical named “All of Division I-A" as its 2007 national champion in college football. “If ya pick one, ya gotta’ pick ‘em all...no muss, no fuss!” quipped managing editor Richard Stengel. In the wake of the controversial January 9th issue, Time also announced a “ton of average Joes” walked away with such preferred trophies as the MVP, Heisman, Vezina and Gold Glove awards! In fact, an unidentified magazine staffer leaked it be known the Vegas Vindicator snared #27 on the published list of 26 “persons that mattered”. Apparently, the venerable, traditional periodical was too busy covering the war and, of course, Vindy’s Picks, to identify a single winner, noting “Hey...we pressed the ‘Staples easy button’ and this was the result!” In fact, only the “second-chance” given by Donald Trump to Miss USA Tara Conners prevented from Time from making the whole country a “Tiara City”! Must be good clean-livin' in Ft. Worth...) but who would expect less from a club that’s got Christian in its school name????!!!). Toads were just 5-7 outright in ‘21. ‘Dawgs could notch first back-to-back title since ‘11-’12! Among the keys to a TCU victory noted was “take care of the ball on offense”. Anybody else there wanna’ hear Bill Murray as greenskeeper Carl Spackler in Caddyshack narrate TCU’s “Cinderella story”???!!!
Our third consecutive 3-2 tally in Part III, punctuated by not one, but two touchdowns by the Alma Mater outta’ da’ “Wing-T” formation, featurin’ everything but the throwback leather helmets, finds us at 9-6 (.600). The best bets, salvaging a 1-2 by a very late Utah TD, bought us a bowl-season nifty (and profitable) 7-4 (.636) for a collective bowls tally of 16-10 (.615). Not too shabby! Locks of the da’ Week, however, went a meh 2-2 (.500). We close out the season with a pre-championship match tally of 42-41-3 (a don’t-give-up-da'-day-job worthy .506!).
TSA recently revealed its most-interesting discoveries in 2022. Among the more-intriguing detections noted were cattle-prods in a guitar case, soiled money in crutches, illicit drugs in hair-scrunchies and, in a saline-solution-proof Fleet-enema bottle, a copy of...
THE WEBER KID’S ‘22-’23 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME FORECAST
(More personal than Patrick Mahomes’ bath-bombs and failing fewer times in our attempts to be voted Speaker of Michigan's “Big House” than Kevin McCarthy!)
MON. JAN. 9
THE CFP NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP (@ Inglewood, CA)
#3 Texas Christian (+12) over #1 Georgia: This call is not based on the “recency effect”, but more on historical records. Despite owning the season, ‘Dawgs have finally shown some vulnerabilities and are only here on the grace of a late missed long-FG by the Buckeyes. Do the Tadpoles even belong here after not so much as winning their own conference tiara???!! (Let the ongoing national debate continue!) “Fate is a pickle, gaggle, spackle, tackle, sparkle, giggolo, nickel, Mr. Bigglesworth (fer fans of “Austin Powers in Goldmember”) mistress!” Now we know where the USF defense, next-to-worst scoring D (XX.X) ahead of only Colorado (44.5 ppg-against), (sitting home (in Orlando with nuthin’ better to do with themselves) got bussed in by Kirby Smart suited-up while the real Joja’ stop-squad was snowed-in on the airport-tarmac, during horse-race vs. Ohio State! We’d love nuthin’ more to see some club other than Clemson interrupt the SEC-dominance in national championship games (which took 4 of the last 6 and placed 10 conference teams in the last 10 national finals). Toads grabbed 14 points off two Michigan turnovers to upset the Wolverines, who’ve lost six straight bowls now (whether that’s all on Jim Harbaugh’s shoulders or not is part of the debate here). Favorites have recently gone “the Way of the Chalk” (but enuff about the next big screen episode of “The Mandalorian”!) winning and covering the past four title contests. Specifically, the SEC has won 4 of last 5 beating the line at 3-1-1. Total (63 ½) looks to be reasonably accurate with 6 of last 10 being within a stones-throw and 2 more each significantly above or below that number, but lotsa’ Sheckles are comin’ in on the “over”. . With Hershel Walker long-since unavailable to gain yards outta’ da’ backfield on a “schwing”-pass, we’d luv to ride the history (which doesn’t always result in the predicted future) showin’ periodic interlopers breakin’ the SEC dominance, but we’ll settle for the DD-cover by the Amphibians and accept the first team in a decade to win back-to-back championships in the CFP era to be...Joja’ 37 TCU 27
2021-2022 BOWL RECAP
We secured a 18-12 (a profitable .600) en toto compilation (regular picks and preferred choices)! Overall, specifically-speaking: 9-6 (.600) going 3-2 in each part of the three editions with Best Bets going 7-4 (.636) but see below.
Our Part I assertion that early bowl games trend toward the “over” turned out to be a load of poppycock as 14 of 23 thru 12/28 (and 24 of 41 overall) finished somewhere near a goose named “Gertrude” after a Journey to Da’ Middle of Da’ Earth!
Underdogs went 23-16-1 ATS, scoreboard-victorious in 16 of ‘em, ...another profitable historical trend...if ya like a bowl-’dog with da’ points, don’t be afraid to toss a few pesos at the money-line for said-clubs to win outright!
Conference-wise...The SEC, not surprisingly led the way with any group among the Power 5, finished (to-date!) at 5-3 SU (.625). On the opposite end of the spectrum, the Not-So-Big 12 faltered to 2-5 (.285)...yet could conquer the nation on January 9! Stay tuned!
Locked In a Box: Part III: 1-1 to salvage the post-season at 2-2 (.500).
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
First of all...on a serious note...our thoughts are with you...get well, Damar Hamlin!
BTW...Vindicator wants to thank all the folks at Time who voted for him (most of whom were bookies that pocketed big bucks from bettors who relied on our regular-season picks) and the multitude of others! Can’t wait to see our name engraved on the trophies...alphabetically behind thousands of others...FINE! In the immortal words of South Park’s Eric Cartman...”Those bastards!”
Having failed a fitty-yard FG-try (no shame there) that woulda’ sent to the Buckeyes to the championship game, OSU K Noah Ruggles has been named an honorary UGA team-captain!
Fun fact: Texas Christian ranks 20th in the league in turnover-margin at +9. Joja’? Stands in at #70 with a –2!!!!
BTW, an ESPN announcer, in the final minute of the Rose Bowl, with the Nifty Lions up 35-14, made sly references to the fact that many “viewers still had interest in the game” with Utah driving in Penn State territory, covertly alluding to the over/under total of 52 ½. Utes snared the TD with 28 seconds to play...making us sweat but affording us our lone “best bet” dubya and doin’ The Dougie, while causing “under 52 ½” bettors to cry in their beers!
Tulane’s upset of USC kicked-off a very early start to Mardi Gras in Nawlins! Jus’ sayin’!!!
Given the annual New Year’s Twilight Zone marathon, if a classic airborne episode features a passenger from Rutgers, Central Florida or Army, is it called...”Knightmare at 20,000 Feet”???!!!
Just days after the Bills-Chiefs contest got postponed/cancelled, ESPN contributor Adams Schefter reeled-off a list of NFL options determining seeding and playoff venues that included everything but “Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock” (Big Bang Theory fans will get that reference) or thumb-wrestling!
In related news, Bengals HC Zac Taylor, unhappy with the possibility of a mere coin-toss deciding who hosts the Cincy/Ravens playoff game, as a fan of Game of Thrones, proposed “Trial by Combat”! (Or at minimum, the best of nine rounds of “Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em robots!”
When it's now said-and-done, the NFL accepted a neutral-site plan meaning the AFC Championship game will not only forego Allegiant Stadium, but will be actually held in the now-defunct Silver Bowl in southeastern Las Vegas!
While humiliating the hometown LV Raiders, the KC Chiefs pulled-off (almost!) the “Snow Globe spinning-huddle" play fer a TD. Is it just us, or does that term invoke somethin’ you’d hear in a martial arts movie, ie. “Your Triple Screaming Eagle-Claw is strong, Ancient One...but it is no match fer my Snow Globe Spinning Huddle Fu!”
If Tom Brady almost gives up da’ ball during abdominal weight-loss surgery, do the refs invoke the “Tummy-Tuck Rule”?
If a Johnny Rivers 1966 classic meets one of today’s NFL business concepts, do hear...”Seee-cret Free-Aaaaaaagent Man...Seee-cret Free-Aaaaaaagent Man...they’ve giv-en you a contract and made you their big plan!”
If part of the soundtrack fer “Reservoir Dogs” meets a Pittsburgh NFL club defender, is it...”Stuck in da’ Middle Linebacker with You!” by “Steelers’ Wheel”???!!!
If a 1981 hit song by Loverboy meets a specific football offensive-line position, do we hear...”Every-body’s... working...for da’...tight-end???!!!!”
Best Weekly Effort: Weeks 1 and 3 tie at 4-1 (.800)!
Worst Weakly Effort: We blew a piston, a tire and multiple Southwest Airlines engines during Week 5’s 0-fer-5 (.000)!
Weber-Friendlies: This season’s Allstate “Yer in Good Hands” Trophy goes to...The Alma Mater (4-1, .800). Kudos fer a tie at second-place between the Cattle of Texas and the Michigan Wolverines, both at 4-2 (.667)!
Flame-Throwers (disregarding records back to ‘21): This season’s “Grill-Master Supreme Award” (You can still see da’ scorch-marks on our wallet!) goes to...Rocky Top (2-4, -333). An at-bat short of making the qualifying field, but we’ll be keepin’ an eyeball on the Mallards of Oregon (0-3, .000) next season!
Black Shirt: Catchin’ up...our Part II “premium PJ top” goes to Terps K Chad Ryland fer makin’ three FGS in Maryland’s (pick ‘em) 16-12 win over NC State! Part III’s “superior slip” gets presented to Utes WR Jaylen Dixon fer a skillful catch-and-run fer a TD with 28 seconds left, pushing the total to 56, realizin’ our call of “over 52 ½”, giving us our lone “best bet” dubya!
Vindy’s Bowl Predictions Best Bets: Part III: 1-2 (.333) Bowl Season: 7-4 (.636) Season: 33-37 (.478)
LEFTOVER HASH (Yes, we know that’s redundant). Vindicator now conducts the yearly “emptying of the ‘clip’” and expends all the stuff he had at his disposal in da’ arsenal throughout the season that didn’t previously-find its way into the forecast...until now. In no particular order...
If football meets “Game of Thrones”, do we have linemen swearing oaths to the Night’s Watch vow to renounce all claims to their NIL (Name, Image and Lannister) contracts!
Each July, rushers tote the rock ahead of a herd of charging bovines in Pamplona, Spain during the Running Back of the Bulls!
What if football mimicked hockey and instead marking-off yardage, the player drawing a penalty had to spend two-minutes on the sidelines?!
Anybody else there wanna’ see football adopt a “possession-arrow” in the event the offensive-player and defender have a “held-ball”?!
Last January, a Michigan public school was accused of putting a litter box in the bathroom for use by students who identified as cats. No word yet as to whether Big Blue/Sparty will do likewise in the N-DUB locker room when the Wildcats visit Ann Arbor/East Lansing
Last April, a report from the Clever digital learning platform called Lincoln the worst college town in the B10. Insult to injury?! Rutgers sat in the 12-hole (no surprise, the campus is an exit off the Jersey Turnpike), but surprisingly Columbus came in at #13???!!!
UNLV, in late-’21, implemented a turnover slot-machine on the sidelines. Players creating said-miscues by the opponent gets a pull on the handle of the device traditionally-known as the “one-armed bandit”. Aligning three consecutive like-symbols grants the defender any number of rewards, including...free movies tix, two-fer-one buffets at the Strip casino of choice if he’s under 21(all he’s doin’ is feedin’ his face not gamblin’... SHHH!), acquiring five more helmet-stickers fer outstanding performance, an opportunity to run “unabated to the quarterback” without drawing a yellow hankie, additional free-spins, gets to douse a teammate or coach with the Gatorade bucket, call on a play for the Rebs’ offense and havin’ a penalty-flag of his choice picked-up. A jackpot awards him an “A” grade for the semester for a required course he never attended!
The 2022 Halftime-Show, oft-criticized fer vintage hip-hop heavy “performances” and lost its Pepsi-sponsorship, looks fer a new supporter, meanwhile we offered up Billy & the Boingers (cartoon-series), Milli Vanilli and Nickelback (whose members would suit-up and take the defensive-backfield during obvious passing-downs)! How ‘bout, a quick cameo by Semisonic doing...”Closing-Speed Time”???!!!
This week on da’ Big Screen...A BDSM flick meets a player in the defensive-backfield in...”Fitty-Yard Shades of Free-Safety"!
If a certain Green Bay QB meets a late-Seventies/Eighties TV show about a cruise ship...is it “The Jordan Love Boat”.
While watching a late regular-season hockey game last May between the Caps and the Flyers, we heard a broadcaster describe the final 60 seconds of each period as the “Chicken McNugget Minute”. We’re expectin’ to hear...da’ McDonald’s 4th-Quarter-Pounder of any 15-minutes of any play of NCAA/NFL/NBA game! Maybe...da’ Taco Bell Two-Minute Drill, Popeye’s Power Play, Chipotle Corner-Kick, Shamrock-Shake Second-Quarter Half, Frosty First-Down/Free-Kick or Big Mac Man-Advantage. Dare we propose...Marshawn Lynch’s “Protect Yer KFC Chicken Sandwich Minute”?!
With apologies to Walker Hayes...sing it with us...“Yeah, we Vandy like locker room on a game night” “Short of the line-to-make with the bad punt fake” “Lose some big yards on the sack too” “Three plays, one punt, Coach, we got you” “Bougie like Gatorade in the Styrofoam” “Reek-reekin’ on the team bus all the way home” “No Alabama-jamma, it’s our Commodore demise” ” “That’s how we do, how we do, Vandy like”
Before mercifully putting this season out to pasture and headin’ off to spend da’ offseason growin’ a neck-beard, and petitioning the USOC to make “sportsbook tumbling” a gymnastic medal event, we leave the loyal-readership with our annual Irish-blessing...”May da’ road-’dog rise up to beat you.” (Sumthin’ like that!)
Until next August...Air Forecast One has gone wheels-up!