Thursday, December 28, 2023

Vindy's 2023-24 Bowls Part III "Between Da' Hashmarks"

                                           QB TO CASH IN ON HERITAGE UPBRINGING 

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey (REUTERS)…New York Giants quarterback Tommy DeVito filed this week for copyrights on nicknames “Tommy Cutlets” and “Passing Paisano”, which make him sound more like a mafia-figure than an athlete. The former moniker refers to the player’s mother (with whom he reportedly still resides in his parents’ basement in New Jersey) frequently preparing his favorite meal of chicken cutlets. Falling back on his family’s culinary history, he plans to open an eatery featuring Italian dishes such and pizza and pasta. Anonymous sources have suggested he’s already sending drivers’ licenses in newspaper-wrapped anchovies to opponents, signaling a certain defensive lineman now “sleeps with da’ fish-heads".  

As listed on the Taco Bell menu inside Davante Adams’ house, we submit... 


(More buoyant than “Aquaman and da’ Lost Kingdom”!)  

SAT. DEC. 30 

Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl (@ Atlanta, GA) 

#10 Penn State vs. #11 Mississippi (+4)(48 ½): The bad news? Several Lions will enter April’s draft. The good news? Almost all have agreed to be available to play in this one! By besting Ole Missionary, Nits will be the first team in history to win each of the NY6 Bowls (a post-humous thank you to JoePa fer da’ securing the previous five!)! Unfortunately, former defensive coordinator Manny Diaz has departed fer bigger things. A Zoo Atlanta giant panda, choosing between a box marked the “Alma Mater” and the other as “Mississippi”, selected PSU. (Okay, okay...Happy Valley’s box was full of bamboo, while Ole Mist’s cardboard container was empty! Shhhh!!!) Higher-ups in Oxford recently granted Lane Kiffin, who led the Rebels to a fourth straight post-season outing, an undisclosed contract extension. Lions have won 13 of las 14 non-Tambourine Conference melees (covering 9) and sandwiched a defeat to Arkansas between bowl victories over Auburn the last three years. Ole Miss Mavericks have claimed 13 of last 17 outside da’ SEC but were blown out in each of the last two years’ bowls. State allowed more than 20 points just twice all season. Rebels yielded more than 21 only twice in their last 7 games of ‘23...Penn State 27 Ole Missionary 20. 

MON. JAN. 1 

CFP Semifinal at the Rose Leslie Bowl Game (Game of Thrones fans will know that reference) Presented by Prudential (@ Pasadena, CA) 

#1 Michigan vs. #4 Alabama (+1 ½)(45 ½): Ironically, Nick Saban and company snagged ex-Wolverines assistant coach George Helow away from Ann Arbor about two weeks prior to this one, which should provide a little additional intelligence on Big Blue. Jim Harbaugh didn’t exactly plan on celebratin’ his December 23 birthday in that manner. Big Blue has made the CFP semis three years running now. Tide is, of course, the favorite-son of the NCAA and weaseled its way into the Final Four (again!). ‘Bama looked vulnerable throughout much of the season. Its two FBS non-conference wins came versus teams that collectively finished 11-14. East Carolina’s 2-10 record notwithstanding, Michigan toppled a pair of non-Big Tambourine Conference squads that went a combined 16-9, including 9-4 Mountain Pest co-champion UNLV. UA squeaked by then-undefeated Joja’. UM beat Penn State by 9 in Happy and the Buckeyes at home by 6 before throwing 26-0 shutout vs. the Hawkeyes. Despite being two of the top scoring defenses in the nation (‘Bama gave up an average of 20.1 ppg in SEC play, while Big Blue coughed up more than 15 only twice in Big Ten play for an average of 11.88 ppg), these clubs together went 14-8-1 “over” the total on the year. The CFP #4 seed has fallen to the top seed in 7 of the last 9. Bold prediction...unless Pachyderms pull off some sorta’ Vegas-worthy Penn & Teller/Criss Angel act, Wolverines pull away on a late turnover by ‘Bama...Meeeeeshigan 34 Big Al 21 

CFP Semifinal at the Allstate Sugar Bowl (@ New Orleans, LA) 

#2 Washington vs. #3 Texas (-4)(63 ½): Rematch of the ‘22 Alamo Bowl, taken 27-20 by the Seattle Sled Dogs. Hats off to Phil Steele for his preseason identification of UT as his #3 surprise team and the Huskies at #5 in the same category as they square-off here. UDUB last made the playoffs in 2017, getting waxed by Alabama. Longhorns make their first appearance. Undefeated Washington dismissed (barely) the Quack Attack twice to get here. Texas’ claim-to-fame was an early September 10-point decision vs. Alabama. At least one lower-seeded team since conception of the current playoff system has won a semi-final match outright in each of the past four campaigns and five of the last six seasons. Glad we’re not making a formal pick on this one or wagering on it because Canines went 6-6-1 ATS and 5-7 “over/under”, while Cattle weren’t much better at 7-5-1 and 5-8, respectively We’ve seen suggestions that Arch Manning packs his bags for points-elsewhere as QB Quinn Ewers appears to be da’ man in Austin. Washington’s QB Michael Penix Jr. was the bridesmaid to Bayou Bengals quarterback Jayden Daniels in the Heisman voting, despite leading the nation in passing (about 400 more than Daniels) and has WR Rome Odunze (#3 nationally in receiving yards) at his disposal. We anticipate lotsapoints!...UDUB 36 Da’ Brisket 33 (Maybe in stoppage time [that’s “extra frames”/overtime fer those of you unfamiliar with soccer!]) 


BTW, assuming his pastas will come with a variety of available sauces, would one of ‘them be the “Hail Marinara”???!!! If DeVito competes against rival restaurants, does he face man-to-manicotti coverage??!!  

The latest episode of the Simpson’s took a swipe at the Ann Arbor head coach, referencing an institute of higher learning named “the Jim Harbaugh Center for Competitive Imbalance”! 

Keeping up Part II’s reflections on the Western Kentucky-Old Dominoes tilt, we’re reminded of Shakespeare’s Hamlet unkindly directing Ophelia to “Get thee to a toastery!” (Who says Vin doesn’t include classic literature into his scribing???!!!) 

Yet more possible post-season opportunities...“I Robot” Roomba Bowl, Ulta Beauty Bath Bomb Bowl, Wordle Bowl (teams have six plays to guess a five-letter word to achieve a first-down!), Listerine Minty-Fresh Bowl, State Farm “Personal Bundling Plan” Bowl and Chunky Soup “Eats Like a Meal” Bowl!  

Adding to last week’s list of toastery possibilities, we offer the...Creamed Chipped Beef on Toast Bowl, Raise A Toast Bowl, Post-Toasties Cereal Bowl or Toasted Marshmallows' Bowl!  

Nittany Lions offensive lineman Golden-Israel Achumba belted-out the National Anthem ahead of the Blue-White Game in April, garnering kudos from Coach Franklin and his teammates. Achumba had previously showed-off his singing-chops giving his rendition of John Legend’s “All of Me” (crooning “Alllll of meeeeeee....blocks allllll of youuu”. Plays were subsequently drawn-up to utilize his vocal skills to distract defenders while State ran plays during the regular-season! 

Can’t wait to see next year’s 12-team playoff format, which will include the University of Taiwan, Switzerland State College and Missouri-Ontario U. 

If football players needed to face-off in video-game martial-arts contests to successfully transfer to other schools in the current system, would it be called “Portal Kombat”????!!!! 

The Kansas City Chiefs’ star tight-end reportedly spent December 25th all by his lonesome with a meal from KFC while his boo was attending to business elsewhere. Just wonderin...was that “Kelce Fresh Catch (& Coleslaw)” or “Kelce Forlorn Christmas”????!!! 

New drinking a shot every time the broadcasting network shows Taylor Swift during a KC Chiefs game! 

Packers’ CB Jaire Alexander gets to the pine this week vs. Minnesota because the self-proclaimed team captain, while correctly calling the coin-toss vs. the Carolina Panthers, told the referee he wanted Green Bay to start on defense (rather than defer the kick-off to the second-half...two separate issues). Though officials eventually clarified the decision and the Cheese-Heads ultimately pulled out a 33-30 victory, apparently the player’s football IQ is on the wrong end of the bell-curve! 

The Seattle Seahawks home venue is currently known as Lumen Field. In the necessity of a quick change-of-sponsor, it could simply drop the “N” and become the Lume “Whole-Body Deodorant” Stadium! 

Recently on the big screen...”Godzilla Minus One”?! We didn’t know point-spreads were being applied to movies now!!!! 

Speaking of the Emerald City, the 2024 NHL Winter Classic will be held at the Mariners’ T-Mobile Park featuring da’ Kraken vs. The Vegas Golden Knights, on the first day of the New Year and will sport a “Puget Sound” concept. Will spectators be more enthralled with the game itself or videos of salmon spawning on da’ Jumbo-Tron between da’ periods. In the event of a rout, the (broadcasting network) is prepared to show intermittent clips from “An Officer and A Gentleman” to keep audiences tuned-in! 

Fitty-one year old Jaromir Jagr was on the ice fer the puck-drop of his 36th professional season in hockey this week, playing for da’ Czech Republic. The former NHL star scored a point after corralling a pass and bouncing it off a leg of his walker to a teammate, who put the biscuit in da’ basket vs. his opponent, notching an assist for the venerable right-wing. In the event his club reaches the post-season, Jagr will dye his playoff-beard with “Just Fer Men”!!!!  

Our way-too-early best guess fer NCAA Tournament champion this season...the Caped Crusader Pilgrim Singers of Indiana-Purdue-Ft. John Bruce Wayne Newton! (Ya’ heard it here first!) 

Almost a year ago, in January, former Indiana Hoosiers stand-out and longtime NBA player Jared Jeffries was awarded a brand, spanking new red Toyota after winning it on “The Price Is Right”. Jeffries celebrated with host Drew Carey and was then thrust into a guest-appearance role on Carey’s former-gig “Whose Foul-Line Is It Anyway?” (“where everything’s made-up and da’ baskets don’t matter”), participating in segments such as “Scenes from a Hat-Trick" and “Helping-Hands to Da’ Face”! 

The day after Christmas, the Detroit Pistons failed to come out on top fer a record 27th-consecutive game. Even those of us here at Vindy’s Picks were like “In yer face!” 

As the ball is being prepared to drop on Time Square...still to come...we’ll be back one more time with our notions about the national championship game, bowl recap, and leftover “hash” (yes, we know that’s redundant)!