PRE-LIGHTING CEREMONY “PENALIZED”
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA (MSNBC)…Days ahead of the annual White House Christmas Tree illumination event last week, the prestigious spruce was toppled temporarily by wind gusts nearing 46 miles per hour. Damage was nominal, but an “unsportsmanlike conduct” flag was honorarily “thrown” on “Mother Nature” for “roughing the conifer”. Somewhere during that incident, nearly two dozen ornaments were lost. Authorities are still trying to locate gray tabby First Cat “Willow” as a “feline-of-interest" for allegedly batting those brightly colored decorations to the ground.
Sponsored this week by Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch”, it’s....
THE WEBER KID’S 2023 ARMY-NAVY “BETWEEN DA’ HASHMARKS”
(“Three hundred and forty-six miles northwest of Dutch Harbor...”)
SAT. DEC. 9
Army vs. Navy (@ Foxborough, MA): Gratefully, there are no transfer portal complications here. Neither side hits the field with much momentum as Army comes in at 6-5 (with two of those victories against FCS squads, including a recent 17-14 squeaker over Holy Cross) and the Ensigns at 5-6 (showing one of the triumphs vs. I-AA competition). Ring-Knockers have taken five of the seven in the series outright (Army 20-17 won the ‘22 edition in OT [1st ever in extras] as Anton Harris Jr. fumbled near the goal-line) but are only 3-point chalk. An unfathomable number of 35 returning starters combined enters the contest from last season’s melee. The very low total (currently 27 ½) seems to imply the expectation that one of the teams on the gridiron will actually be the Iowa Hawkeyes in disguise! Once upon a time, these would be two of top rushing offenses in the country, yet this year, the comparison is a wash as the Platoon comes at #10 (209 rush yards per game) and the Salty Dogs at 14th-ranked 200.5 rypg. But on defense, the advantage goes to Annapolis, which allows about 60 fewer ground gains per contest (121.9) than West Point (180.5). As always, the passing game is more-or-less an afterthought for Ground-Pounders achieve a reasonable 107.3 ypg [6 TDs, 11 picks], while the Boat People average 99 ypg [9 TDs, 4 INT]). Middies draw basically two more flags every outing than Army, but only for about 20 more yards a game. Final totals over the past four in the skirmish have posted 38, 15, 30 and 37 (doin’ the math, that’s 30 ppg). Army gashed MWC title contender USAF 23-3 on a neutral field. Swabbies scuttled the ship 17-6 vs. the Flyboys in the home harbor. The Flotilla is under “new management” per se, but HC Brian Newberry had been Navy’s DC before then and has seen this movie previously. We wouldn’t be surprised to see this going to at least one extra frame for a second straight year (and the second time in series history). The area, having no retractable roof, is expected to go through a warming trend and could hit 50 degrees by kickoff, which should improve scoring opportunities and eliminate the need for players to suit-up in parkas and mukluks, avoiding penalties fer “twelve snowmen on da’ field”. The Armada was pasted by Our Lady and Sudden Mandolins but tossed three shutouts along the way. Our guess... Mermen 19 G.I. Joes 13
BETWEEN DA’ HASHMARKS
Army’s unis will be inspired by the 3rd Infantry Division. Meanwhile, da’ Middies will sport their submarine-themed Silent Service duds, featuring the image of a Virginia-class-submarine on the helmet in this one, which begs the question...who will be at quarterback?..Sean Connery in the “Hunt Fer Red October”, Matthew McConnaughey aboard “U-571”, Harrison Ford on the “K-19 Widowmaker” or Gene Hackman commanding the U.S Alabama in “Crimson Tide”???!! Do we hear the Beatles in their “Yellow Submarine”??!!! (Okay, okay...it’s not a vessel of the specified class. Work with us here!)
Utah State quarterback Levi Williams has decided to forgo his last season in Logan to apply for Navy SEAL training. As third on the depth-chart for the Aggies, he spent most of his time yelling “Hooyah, Master Chief!” If he “rings out”, he’ll hit the bell with a pass rather than a baseball bat. Books are already posting lines on whether or not he’ll last longer than Demi Moore in “G.I. Jane” and if he’ll reprise a classic line from that flick, shouting “Master Chief...suck my ‘ahead of the sticks’!” If he drops-out, he can always take his chances alongside Chuck Norris in “Delta Forecast”!
A recent Facebook quiz about military life asked, “What does MRE stand for?”. One of the four multiple guess options was “Man Rendered Ethereal” or how Mike Tyson would pronounce “Man Rendered a Cereal”!!!!
Fun Fact fer those of ya’ that ain’t OCD....did anybody else out there recognize the 12-PAC Championship game featured starting quarterbacks whose last names both ended in “nix”???!!! (Bo Nix and Michael Penix Jr.). Yer welcome!
Following-up last week’s reflections on Dear Abby...“Dear Abby, Dear Abby...Not wearin’ a cup, our forecast is bleedin’ and our picks our messed up. Both my team's colors aren’t right on my face, my parlay cards urge me to text you in case. Siiiii-iiiiii-gnd...Big Loser”. “Big Loser, Big Loser...you have no complaint. You are whatchu’ are and you ain’t whatchu’ ain’t. So listen up, Bettor and listen up good. Stop wishin’ fer bad luck and layin’ the wood. Siiiiii-iiiiii-gnd, Dear Abby!”
Adding to last week’s ponderings on Travis Kelce’s solo-Thanksgiving....no word as to whether or not the star tight-end decided to shed the facial-hair and reprise Macaulay Culkin’s infamous “after-shave burn in the mirror” scene!
Veteran quarterback Joe Flacco could again find himself under center for the Cleveland Browns this Sunday, depending on Dorian Thompson-Robinson's health. Flacco’s alma-mater University of Delaware’s Fightin’ Blue-Hens, as opposed to Corporal Klinger’s Toledo Mud-Hens of M.A.S.H. fame will be stepping up in class and joining C-USA next year.
Do college basketball players applying to be library staff as part of their work-study programs have to demonstrate the ability to shoot efficiently “from beyond the archives”??!!
Shortly after the Vegas Golden Knights captured the ultimate NHL prize last June, bakery specialists at the Wynn created a chocolate tribute to da’ Stanley Cup. Over-night, a local group of elite Boy Scouts, whose troop number has been concealed to protect the minors-in-question, absconded, in a covert-operation, with the candied trophy and allegedly consumed it in its entirety as part of a “S’mores Marathon” while camping in an undisclosed location near Sin City. Needless to say, several merit-badges have been revoked in absentia while the yet-undiscovered culprits make their way back to their troop-leader's secret-location undetected!
Last week, the Las Vegas Desert Dogs professional lacrosse squad began its second year in existence. Getting feasted-upon by opponents to a final 5-13 inaugural year record in ‘22, we suggest a change of moniker to “Las Vegas Dessert Dogs”! (Quick update...Vegas fell 12-10 in its opener versus the Albany FireWolves).
Up next...a few thoughts on da’ Bowls!
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