Goin’ with another re-print from Christmas-holidays-past (2007
“PONY EXPRESS” TAKES READING EFFORT NATIONWIDE
DALLAS, Texas (MSNBC)…American minors are again behind as many as ten other industrialized countries throughout the world in reading test-scores (though a trio of said “countries” were actually the Canadian provinces of Alberta, British Columbia and Ontario). The players of Southern Methodist University aim to fix that through expansion of its summer youth literacy program, known as “Milk and Cookies with the Mustangs”. SMU plans to make it a “traveling medicine show” and take the presentation around the United States. However, independent observers are “not certain of who’s teaching who to read”. Another anonymous educator noted “The kids’ ability to handle Dr. Seuss and Harry Potter is questionable, but they rattle-off X’s and O’s from the playbook with the best of ‘! It’s gratifying to hear a child who couldn’t read a lick previously now confidently-utter ‘96 Z-out, split-left Whiskey 7-Post'!”
We’re attributing yet-another lousy 2-3 outing (37-41, .474) on last week’s "Great Astronomical Conjunction” of Juniper and Saffron (which we didn’t see BTW). We’ll wait fer the next one 80 years from now! In March, Iditarod-contestant Thomas , prior to the race-in-question, fessed-up to training with more than 100-pounds of concrete. He was ultimately-victorious, roughly six-hours ahead of the runner-up. Hoping for similar-results, we’ve encased our picks in said-substance before relying on “ (Is that even a word?!) video-evidence" to move da’ chains” to gain da’ 1st-
THE WEBER KID’S 20-21 BOWL PREDICTIONS FORECAST: PART II
(Broadcasting live from inside our studios at St. Peter Billingsley’s Cathedral as a Coronavirus-particle made of illuminated-crystals is dropped in Times Square!)
THURS. DEC. 31
Arizona Bowl (@ Tucson, AZ)
Ball State vs. #19 San Jose State (“under 62 ½”): Across a season worthy of a Twilight Zone episode (or at least Tales from Da’ Darkside), Spartans hit the straight-up -column seven times in as many outings, beating the line in all of ‘, while finishing “under” in five of the seven...and all seven below this total, including matches vs. traditional Mountain-Messed conference-bullies San Diego State and Boise State [in Las Vegas....historically a home-away-from-home fer da’ Broncos]! Cardinals succumbed outright only opening the year, going down by a TD at Miami-Ohio before taking six-straight (4-0 ATS run) and ending-up “under” in four. State’s best-effort came in scoreboard-win against Buffalo away by 10. First bowl for San Josie since 2015 after mediocre 3-3 SU facing non-Mountain Pest opponents the past three years, but perhaps last season’s 31-24 toppling of Arkansas was a harbinger of things to come for that-year-whose-name-must-not-be-spoken-ever-again! Spartans immovable-object was dented fer just 17 -against. Redbirds were a bit more generous, enabling 27.6 , but still, even if each side gives-up an extra-touchdown over their usual allowance...San Jose State 33 Aviary 23
FRI. JAN. 1
College Football Playoff Semi-Final at The Rose Bowl Presented by Capital One (@ Dallas, TX)
#4 Notre Dame (+20) over #1 Alabama: Line is likely this big as result of Pillow-Fighting Irish offense mailing it in during 34-10 loss to Clemson and it wasn’t even that close. In the SEC Title game, Florida’s offense (read: Kyle Trask’s 408 passing yards with virtually no support from the ground-game and very little ball-security overall) busted-open Tide’s previously-improving defense like a pinata, but ‘Bama prevailed anyway, while sustaining just its second spread-loss on the year! Nonetheless, Crocs game-film could provide some useful tips to Our Lady for posting points. Perhaps more-critical then pressuring Tide QB Mac & Cheese Jones, will be stopping RB Najee Harris, who had five touchdowns vs. Florida, with three coming on receptions. ‘Bama will, however, be without its first-string center. Hmmm. Catholics defend the pass at run-of-the-mill 224.5 (10 TDs, 7 INT), but excels stuffing the run at 110.5 , 16th best nationally (7 TD, 6 fumble recoveries). Pachyderms will meet best scoring D they’ve faced all season (18.6 ). ’ it can keep Leprechauns well-within three scores...’Bama 41 (Don’t) Touch ( Face) Down Jesus 30
College Football Playoff Semi-Final at The Allstate Sugar Bowl
#2 Clemson vs. #3 Ohio State (“under 66”): Best guess fer “wish we had it back” choice. Rematch of 2019’s 29-23 Peach Bowl CFP semi-final triumph by CU 29-23, that wasn’t decided until the last 94-seconds of regulation. A plethora of inspiration exists for da’ Buckeyes, who frittered-away a 16-0 2nd-Quarter edge and Dabo Swinney relegating State to #11 with ballot in the most-recent Coaches’ Poll. Swinney said it was more-about the small number of live-fire contests for the Buckeyes, but OSU coach Ryan Day won’t spin it that way! Vegetables were done in by allowing multiple big-yardage scoring-plays...53-yard TD-pass to Travis Etienne, 67-yard TD-run by and victory-locking 34-yard TD pass to Etienne thereafter. Columbus Chili-Beans Posted a trey of “” in the six-pack of real-contests, though went “over” against PSU, who was in the midst of 0-fer-5 SU-beginning and seriously off its defensive-moorings, granting 36 points-per-game-against in that span, but wilted with mere 22 vs. Northwestern, who topped the B10 in scoring-D at 15.5 . Tigers finished atop ACC in that category, yielding mere 17.5 , even taking into account 47 to the Dublin Dominion and seven games beneath this total. State finished under 65 in three of its played. QB Justin Fields is a year-older and a season-wiser after tossing a pair of picks (leaving State at minus-two in turnover-margin for the game) in last year’s defeat...Clemson 33 Ohio State 27
SAT. JAN. 2
PlayStation Fiesta Bowl (@ Glendale, AZ)
#12 Iowa State (-4) over #25 Oregon (“under 57”): is undeterred by Iowa State’s failure to make our upset-pick over Oklahoma materialize while also maintaining the total “under 58 ½”, contrary to our official call, vs. defense-lacking Sooners. Nonetheless, we grant the Dust Devils another . Depending on whose numbers look at, Cyclones went 6-1-3 against the spread since opening SU/ATS “L” vs. the currently-#16 Ragin’ Cajuns. State tallied a 7-4 “under” record, with seven ending below 57 and finished second (bridesmaid to just the Mounted Ears, who conceded only 20.4 ) among five conference squads that limited foes to 24 or fewer. Drakes, who got an early Christmas present, playing (and beating) USC (their lone-Top 25 opponent) in 12-PACK championship match after UDUB had to withdraw due to virus-problems, weren’t horrible in scoring-defense at 27-plus per game, but the conference was not exactly a group of defensive-juggernauts. Mallards three-consecutive times ATS ahead of that melee, going-down to Oregon State by 3 and Berkeley by 4. Tornadoes knocked-off two of four ranked-opponents and squared-off against tougher-schedule altogether...Gusting Winds 29 Quack Attack 20
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, based on the exchange-rate, our kids are only 1.99% behind “the Great White North”!
Has anyone else out-there discovered anagrams of “Dabo Swinney” include “Boys-N-Da' Wine” and “...Band...Wine!” (as opposed to “the three-most-important words-on-Earth"...Beer...Man!”
More post-season venue-hopefuls...COVID-19 Bowl Presented and SWAG includes toilet paper, bottles of hand-sanitizer and face-masks, all bearing the game-sponsors' name and As Seen on TV Bowl, Netflix Mandalorian Baby Yoda Bowl and da’ UBER-Eats Delivery Bowl!
Given the sponsor fer da’ Liberty Bowl, if either Army or West Virginia is flagged for offside, would it be a “neutral AutoZone-infraction”???!!!
Back in April, NFL Combine otherwise-classified test-scores made their way covertly to the media. Seems Tua came in at 13, Jalen Hurts at 18. Historic-average is 20, higher fer QBs. Represents a fitty-question multiple-choice quiz to be completed in 12-minutes regarding the skills to learn and solve conundrums! Your haggard-host posted an undisclosed single-digit finale, but we take solace knowing RB Frank Gore registered a 6 and is three football-lengths behind Walter Payton in all-time ground-yards!
In May, we caught a headline asking if teams should keep a QB in isolation just-in-case. Would “QB” then stand for quarantine-back?!
last May, during “The Match”, featuring Tiger Woods and Peyton Manning vs. Phil Mickelson and Tom Brady, the former Broncos QB noted he could produce brother Eli Manning or Nick Foles to be Brady’s caddy in order to “psyche (Brady) out”. Frankly, if he wanted to accomplish the same end, ’ paraded-out someone dressed in referee-duds to check the GOAT’s golf-balls for appropriate-inflation!
Gridiron players finally returned to the practice-field in August sporting helmets and splash-pads!
Last August, da’ Vegas Golden Knights “fun committee” reportedly sponsored cornhole, poker, hoops and flicks to eliminate tedium of down-time in the NHL bubble in Edmonton during the playoffs. spies, however, suggest the players actually wiled-away the hours with croquette, lawn darts, “Shoots-N-Ladders", “Duck-Duck-Goose" and Dungeons & Dragons!” And the movies-in-”Mighty Ducks”, “Slap-Shot” and “Rollerball (the original-1975-version starring James Caan)”!
Back in February, Coach Archie Liller compared bracketology to Sesame Street following a loss by his Hoosiers. No truth to the rumor that Bert and Ernie were secretly on the selection-committee that relegated Indy to the #15-seed in the South Region!
Wish We Had It Back: We’d like a do-over on our call of Miami +2 over Oklahoma State after noting “Pelicans (0-3 SU/ATS since 2017)....have been bowl-poison.”
Black Shirt: The unsurpassed-undergarment goes to ’ State DE Tre Moore for 10-yard sack of Hilltoppers QB Tyrell at Western Kentucky’s 27, which two-plays later, led to Panthers’ touchdown, ’ da’ total “over 50 ½” as portended by our Bowl Predictions Part I!
Shoppe Talk: We’re figuring-out how to stuff and mount a Hurricane (now 1-5, .166) in light of Miami’s failure to show-up on the predicted-side of the line or total in 37-34 loss to the Cowboys!
Bowl Predictions Part II Best Bets: Last Week: 1-0 (LVRJ published a reversed-spread on Lafayette-UTSA, Iowa-Mizzou was cancelled and Oklahoma-Florida total is still-pending as we go to press!) Season: 35-18 (.660).
Army +7 over West Virginia, Indiana –7 ½ over Ole Miss, #5 Texas A&M-#14 North Carolina “under 68 ½
’ our best -impersonation, we quip be back!” one final time with our thoughts on da’ National Championship match, a bowl-season recap and “leftover hash” (yes, we know that’s redundant!)!