Friday, December 30, 2022

Vindy's Picks 2022-23 Bowl Predictions Part III

 Again, we’re divindeep into this year’s warehouse to offer... 


BEIJING, China (KCNA)…Back in February. the Czechoslovakian men’s Olympic hockey squad found itself at the local site of the ‘22 Winter Games sans a netminder. Enter Petr Sulan, then-current equipment manager and only having faced a shot-on-goal a dozen years before, for the men’s Olympic hockey squad. Sulan graciously accepted being pressed into service while his teammates’ arrival was delayed, then assumed the position (editor’s note: butterfly) wielding a busted goal-stick in front of a basket of dirty jerseys and wearin’ skates with dull-blades. The Czechs eventually went 2-2, with the “Rudy-like” staffer “between the pipes”. Nonetheless, citizens of Prague gave Sulan a hero's welcome when it was all said and done! 

Still have a double-call on Tennessee-Clemson bout and a couple “best bets” yet-to-be-decided as we go to press, so we’ll include those in our next post! 

We sally forth (think we dated Sally Forth once!) as the ball drops in Gotham City with... 


(Selling-out faster than Taylor Swift tickets!) 

SAT. DEC. 31 

CFP Semi-Final at the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl (@ Atlanta, GA) 

#1 Georgia vs. #4 Ohio State (“under 63”): We might rue not layin’ less than a full-touchdown here (though see our “best bets” below!), but what else can be written about the runaway Kraken-released club from Athens that has flattened all comers (26-22 edge over Mizzou notwithstanding). Personally, we can’t see Buckeyes QB CJ Stroud, in a match-up of Heisman hardware finalists, reprising the whole Perseus demi-god-role in either version of “Clash of Da’ Titans”, short of suffering a significant first-half injury to Stetson Bennett (20-6 ratio. plus 7 more rushing scores). Buckeyes’, who played only one bad quarter vs. now-CFP #2 Michigan, best chance to cover, much-less win, is to do so on defense. Joja’ shows just two finals “above 63” (allowing 13 ppg vs. Power 5). State, on the other hand, has 8 contests over the total, but faced no iron-clad stop-squads on the slate. Even Iowa kept 11 defenders on the pitch despite possessing the pigskin on offense! In semi-related news, then Senate-candidate Walker copped to “I don’t even know what the heck is a pronoun.” Given that admission, we think the former Joja’ RB should return his degree to the folks in Athens... Peach State Puppies 34 “Straight OuttaColumbus” 17 

CFP Semi-Final at the VRBO Fiesta Bowl (@Glendale, AZ)  

#3 TCU (+7 ½) over #2 Michigan: Horny Toads are inaugural Lone Star State club to be included the CFP. It’s been quite the conference journey fer the Frog-Legs. A look-back shows them transitioning periodically from the Southwest Conference to the WAC to C-USA to the Mountain Jest to their current home in Da’ Big 12... and now a Final Four contestant in the playoffs! As a traditionalist, can’t say we’d like an all-Big Ten-Key championship game featuring the Wolverines squaring-off in a rematch vs. the Buckeyes (despite our Big Tandoori allegiances. As a closet-anarchist, a TCU-Ohio State contest would satisfy us. Neither scenario is probable. Wolverines ended 8 donnybrooks below 59 (though 2 of last 3 beat or equaled 70). Toads, still here despite 3-point conference tiara game demise vs. K-State, had just three melees above 58 ½. Froggies bested 5 of 6 ranked foes and play 1st bowl since 2018. Michigan hasn’t walked off a bowl field as the victor since 2015. Somebody’s post-season drought ends here...UM 24 Texas Christian 23  

Allstate Sugar Bowl (@ New Orleans, LA) 

#5 Alabama (-7) over #11 Kansas State: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. No SEC Championship game spot and no part of da’ playoffs haven’t sat well with Nick Saban, who will be driving his guys long and hard to garner the win our opinion, by double-digits. A tip of helmet to the Wildcats fer a great season, including the victory over aforementioned Kermits to capture the Big 12 (kneeling only to fellow-bowlers Tulane, Texas and TCU [avenged as noted!]), went 4-1 ATS (3-2 outright vs. Top 25 combatants). Tide won 7 games finishing below 56 (though went “over” that in 4 of 6 vs. quality opposition).The USFL’s Pittsburgh Maulers played all their “home-games” in Alabama this season. In a reciprocal agreement, the Crimson Tide will host all its opponents next season in the Iron City! State’s last three submissions have come 7, 10 and 7 against now #33 CFP TCU, #14 Tulane and #21 Texas. Tide has won 5 of last 7 bowl chances, ATS just thrice and only 1 as more than touchdown-chalk. “Roll, Tyrone Shoelaces (1970’s Cheech and Chong fans, identify yerselves!)”. Not sayin ‘Bama has depth on its roster, but despite academic-ineligibility scores, NFL Draft opt-outs and portal-transfers the work-study school-janitor is on scholarship as emergency QB, slot-receiver and kick-returner after winning his high school “Punt, Pass & Kick competition!...Big Al” 30 KSU 20  

Goodyear Cotton Bowl (@ Arlington, TX) 

#8 Southern Cal (-2) over #14 Tulane: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. “Over 62” got a quick-peek as well. Luv ya’, Green Waifs fer an unexpectedly good year atop the AAC and a much-deserved Group-of-Five berth here, but can’t fathom HC Lincoln Riley not firin’-up Heisman-winner Caleb Williams and the stable of studs he cherry-picked from da’ portal to validate his new position, despite the failure vs. Utah, ceding the PAC-12 title after frittering away an early two TDs edge vs. Utah. Trojans let us down as “lock” during that Championship Week. Chance fer redemption here for the Atrocious Horses... Sudden Calcedonia 44 Nawlins’ Nauts 27 

Rose Bowl Game Presented by Prudential (@ Pasadena, CA) 

#9 Penn State (+2) over #7 Utah: “Ring around da’ Roses, pocketful of posers!” Not certain why the Utes are chalk here. Yes, they overcame a 1st half 14-point hole vs. USC to snag the 12-PAC title. If the Utah quarterback meets a Creedence Clearwater Revival classic, is he Cameron “Bad Moon Rising”??!!! We hoped fer better but can’t really be disappointed in Alma Mater’s spot in this one given last season’s charlie-foxtrot (non-military members can Google that term). Lions will be minus a couple starters on D, who will forgo this in lieu of prep for the Draft. State’s lone losses came at the hands of two of this season’s Final Four. “Over 52 ½” looks like a good choice too as Nifty Lions, unusually, put up almost 36 ppg and Utes also, and climbing the past 4 seasons, tally an average of 40 on the board. In the temperate confines of Pasadena...Kimba 37 Utah 28 


BTW...Coach Craig Ramsey (Editor’s note: that moniker doesn’t sound very Eastern European to us! In fact, we woulda’ associated the name with somethin’ closer to a lesser-known relative of a certain “Hell’s Kitchen” host!) said Sulan, the squad’s laundry liaison, skate-sharpener and “beer-man” between da’ periods, was a “healthy scratch” for the game in which the Czech Republic lost to the Swiss ahead of the playoffs. 

BTW the Sequel...We loved Walker as the vampire Barnabus Collins in the remake of “Dark Shadows”! He also attributed his college team’s success to “efficiently doing my part” in play-erection-pass schemes! 

Fast-food giant Mickey D’s has released a special seasonal menu item called the Mighty McMuffin! In Ann Arbor, it comes in two quarterback-varieties...the Mighty McCarthy and the Mighty McNamara. Big Blue fans in Glendale will pelt the field in Glendale if/when either QB scores a rushing-TD!  

Expected Michigan startin’-quarterback JJ McCarthy has stuff scribbled on his shoes fer this game...we’ll revisit those words, good or bad, in our final post. Stay tuned! 

As the playoffs are set to expand from 4 to 12 teams, several sponsors are petitioning to become post-season venues, including...the Woolite Fabric Softener Bowl, Charmin “Don’t Squeeze Da’ Charmin’ Bowl”, Bounty “Quicker Picker-Upper" Bowl, Olay Body Wash Bowl, Ben & Jerry’s Wavy Gravy Bowl, Bally’s Pinball Bowl (Editorial note: teams scoring enough points get an extra-possession!), Duluth Trading Swingin’ Plaid Bowl, the Corona “Guam-Cheese” Bowl and Dr. Teal’s Bath Bomb Bowl!  

One-Hit Wonders Playing in Gridiron Stadiums Around the Nation...“Stuck in the Middle Linebackers with You” (Stealers Wheel), “Eye-Formation of the Tiger” (Survivor); “West End-Zone Girls” (Pet Shop Boys); “Busted-Play a Move” (Young MC); “Tote Da’ Rock Me, Amadeus” (Falco); “Cotton I-Formation Joe” (Rednex) and “I Get Touches Myself” (Divinyls) 

If a coach doesn’t like the music streaming over the PA system while officials mark the pigskin on the field following a play and throws the red flag, is he “challenging the Spotify of the ball”?! (Our apologies to Neil Young). 

Just once, we’d like to hear officials say...”Upon further review, the ruling on the field is the fans in the stands!” 

Sing it with us...”We are Vindy’s elves, betting on ourselves, ho-ho-ho, lost some dough, we are Vindy’s elves! Ho-ho!” 

On a related topic, if Paul Anka’s elves meet football, do we hear...”Put yer headddddd on my shoulllllder pad.” Or even...“Smells Like Screen Spirit”???!!! (Editor’s Note: we like Nirvana’s subsequent version better!) 

1995 All-Terror Hockey Team “Honorable Mention” 


Wing- Jean-Claude “Chocko” Lotte: Providence Culinary Arts University. Sophomore. 5’4” 285. Hometown: Bangor, Maine. Major: Pastry Etiquette. Often gets one-on-one breakaways with the real puck by dropping frozen Ding-Dongs on the ice for opponents. Holds Baked Alaska team record for hat tricks! 


Defenseman- Roger “Wheels” Rolimova: Havre De Grace Oceanological Institute. Senior. 9’5” 873 (without Zamboni). Hometown: Albany, New York. Major: Plankton Civilizations. Plays defense from atop a Zamboni machine. Slow defender with poor mobility, but blocks a lot of shots, provides crushing checks when he does make contact and keeps the Sea Slugs’ end of the ice well-manicured. Drives the Zamboni between the periods too as part of his work-study program! 

In June, The Great White North set plans in motion to eventually put warnings on, not only every pack of cigarettes, but also on every individual cancer stick within those packs, likely starting next year. In a like move, publishers of our weekly forecast will mark each of Vindy’s Picks with the following caution... ”Contains information that may be dangerous to your wallet’s health. 

Players from World Cup victor Argentina were whisked-away by chopper because the original transport plans were over-crowded. Sadly, home-country-fans in Buenos Aires were frightened away as the helos, reprising a scene from Apocalypse Now, blasted “Flight of Da’ Valkyries” over the speakers as they arrived! 

On a more-somber note, RIP Pele...our first true connection to soccer. St. Peter, tending goal, upon the futbol legend’s arrival, simply stepped-aside and let the much-respected player drill a penalty-kick into the upper-corner to gain entry across the Pearly-Gates! 

“Wish We Had It Back”: TBA next week. 

Black Shirt: TBA next week. 

Shoppe Talk: TBA next week.  

“Locked in a Box”: BG Falcons’ offense finally took the gridiron in the second-half of da’ Quick Lane Bowl, falling SU to New Mexico State (cheque’s in da’ mail from officials in Las Cruces to whatever competent team got paid to impersonate the Aggies) cavin’-in our “lock”-record to...7-7-1 (.500). BTW, said dubya got NMSU 1st-year Coach Jerry Kill a six-month extension through June 2023!! 

Vindy’s Bowl Predictions Part II Best Bets: Last Week: TBA next post Season: Ditto 

Georgia –6 ½ over Ohio State, Penn State-Utah “over 52 ½”, Purdue +14 ½ over Weeziana State 

We’ll return one more time, with our musings on da’ Natty Championship, a bowl recap, and...leftover “hash”!