MISUNDERSTANDING GETS FAMED FORECASTER EJECTED FROM ICE-VENUE
HENDERSON, Nevada (AP)…In the stands at Dollar Loan Center Arena last Saturday for the local Silver Knights’ game against Coachella Valley, the Vegas Vindicator accidentally found himself in a pickle. After the home team put its first biscuit-in-the-basket of the night, fans aware of the “Lucky Launch” promotion began appropriately hurling (editorial note: not that kind of hurling) teddy-bears onto the ice to be collected and donated to various charities for children. Vindy, caught-up in the hoopla, stepped-up into an imaginary “pocket” and tossed his concession-stand purchases including a hotdog, nachos and beer, toward the playing-surface before being rapidly whisked out of the arena by security. Vindy would eventually plead his innocence, saying without his glasses, he read the Jumbo-Tron operator’s message as “Lucky Lunch”!
In the words of the late, great Robin Williams...”Shazbot!” We suffered through a 1-4 Championship Week (33-34-3, .492) as just a semi-late Michigan-Purdue score rescued us from a second 5-0 whitewash on the year, and a 1-1 tally on a very-limited menu of “best bets”.
WNBA star Brittney Griner was finally released recently after U.S. officials traded her to the former Soviet Union fer the Vegas Vindicator. Vindy was, however, quickly loaded up, along with his “American pig-dog" wares, on an Air Cossack flight, and promptly ejected from the perfectly-good airplane, without a reserve-chute, over the United States after Russian oligarchs and high-ranking military officers lost their shirts betting on...
THE WEBER KID’S 2022 ARMY-NAVY FORECAST
(As written with a black magic-marker on the faces of KC Chiefs’ players by HC Andy Reid)
SAT. DEC. 10
Navy (-2 ½) over Army (@ Philadelphia, PA): These two have split victories at 3-3 over the past half-dozen (4 of 6 ending with 30 points or fewer [and the other pair landin’ on exactly 38]), but money has/is flowin’ in freely (rightfully-so [?]) on the Middies after the contest opened as a “pick ‘em” (we jumped on the Salty Dogs from the git-go!). Per Las Vegas Review-Journal sportswriter Todd Dewey, the last 16 in the series have finished beneath the posted total (32 ½ at the moment). Army’s recent request to count a pair of FCS victories toward bowl-eligibility was met with a drill-sergeant-like response of “Not no, but Hell no!” by NCAA officials (who then dropped the whole team fer push-ups!), which has to fuel the fire on the Black Knights’ sidelines given perennial bottom-feeder New Mexico State’s waiver to make a post-season venue got the league’s okie-dokie at 5-6. Basically-nada on da’ line here with the Commander-in-Chief's hardware already safely secured by USAF, which bested both clubs (though not by much) during the regular-season. (Pilots’ coaches attribute the achievement to an unusually high number of returning starters...oh...and...a superior flight-training simulator!) Soldiers are on 5-0 ATS run, allowing 14.7 ppg over last six games, with surprisingly only UL-Cornrow getting out of da’ teens in that span. Perhaps, their best effort came in early September via OT 41-38 demise vs. now #22 UTSA and followed 13-7 defeat to USAF with 10-9 loss at now #23 Troy. Ensigns failed in their only other chalk-appearance, toppling Temple by 7 in extras, laying two touchdowns and have pocketed just 2 of 6 away from the maternal marina. Having said that, Midshipmen covered 7 of 10 on the year, including 3-point shootout defeat vs. Notre Dame (USN’s first neutral-site SU loss in four years) and squeezed by ranked Central Florida in Orlando [editor’s note: how da’ hell did that happen???!!!] but conceded 20 or more in 8 of the 11 while posting just south of 31 ppg in that lot. Probable poor-weather in Philly, both teams are top-heavy in the run, the fact that neither side fears eschewing punts (and Long Gray-Line coaches quipped...”What is this thing you call a ‘field goal’??!! [8 total kick-attempts on the season]) in favor of going for it on 4th-Down (advantage Annapolis because the Earth Pigs stop those tries only 45% of the time, Swabbies do so almost 59% of the time) and an anticipated very-few yellow hankies (about 4 per tilt each) should shorten the game. Preparin’ to repel boarders (or a national bookstore chain... Borders)...and granting “permission to come ashore” to...the GEICO gecko, not...Jason & Da’ Argonauts 23 An Army of 4th-and-One 15
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, fer readers who remember our Week 9 story involving the above-noted rink, Vin was finally approved fer a loan of $19.99 just before puck-drop, allowing him to dismount the Zamboni after all this time and get treatment fer the resulting hemorrhoids!
Just fer grits-and-shins, we predict 0 holding penalties, 3 false starts, one pass-interference call with illegal lineman downfield (off-setting penalties on the only ball put in the air by the Keydets) and one illegal formation (to be enforced during PT on the morning-after!)
Last January, Joja' coach Kirby Smart landed by helicopter at three separate schools in Orlando. Potential recruits were reportedly excited by the stunt but not necessarily sold on a future “between the hedges”. Next time out, Coach Smart (for fans of Bruce Campbell & the Army of Darkness, we say...“Coach S-Mart!”) will travel by Apache attack chopper or at least by gunship! (BTW, Coach also provided periodic in-flight traffic updates for local news broadcasts!).
This time last year, the Keydets botched a covert mission by kidnapping the wrong Navy goat as the Middies, anticipating the shenanigans, disguised the actual farm animal as a dog, a la Vixen in The Year Without A Santa Claus!
BTW, in our time as an Army intel officer, we held a Top Victoria Secret clearance (“need to know only” basis...and trust us...we needed to know!)!
Last month, Army revealed its unis for this game, honoring soldiers of the 1st Armored Division. Nothing clever here, just a heart-felt “thank you” as we spent three years in Germany as part of 1-35 Armor Battalion under said division. Oh...and...while the Geneva Convention prohibited use of fitty-calibre machine-guns from the top of our tank turrets against enemy ground-troops, it said nuthin’ about takin’-out Navy goalposts with the referenced-weapons!
Meanwhile, Navy’s outfits for this one give a nod to NASA. Cuing-up David Bowie, we sing “Ground-game Controllll to Maaaaa-jor Tom...”.
And now, an excerpt from “Twas the Night Before Christmas”...”The boots were all hung by their lockers with care, in hopes that the ‘toon-leader soon would be there. The soldiers were nestled, all snug in their beds, while visions of K-rations danced in their heads...”
If hot-shot Navy pilots attend training to improve their flying and aerial-combat skills while subsisting only on cheap, sodium laced noodle meals, is it...”Top Ramen Gun”???!!!
“Wish We Had It Back”: Yup, we called it...Georgia-LSU soared over the total (52) and the voodoo-priestess from whom we sought advice has mysteriously vanished!
Black Shirt: The Gratuitous Garment gets presented to Michigan TE Luke Schoonmaker fer reelin’-in a 2-point conversion pass with about 9 minutes to play that sent the total “over 52” as we projected!
Shoppe Talk: The K-State Wildcats (1-4, .200 and 1-5 back to 2021), join the TCU Frog Legs (1-3-1, .250 and 1-4-1 back to last year) and the Utes (1-3, .250 with three straight forecast “L”s, 1-5 since last season) as lunch-menu specials at the Shoppe!
“Locked in a Box”: We fanned on the designated choice last week as USC went down outright after blowing a big early lead, dropping the tally to 7-6-1 (.538).
Vindy’s Army-Navy Best Bets: Last Week: 1-1 Season: 27-33 (.450)
No “best bet” games available til the Bowls!
On da’ horizon...Part I of our infamous bowl-predictions! Until then...”Semper Fi!” (Oh wait...!!). Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to go plunk down a mortgage payment on Iceland to edge the Azure Islands fer da’ World Cup Championship, because, quoting a line from “An Officer and a Gentleman”...we “got nowhere else to go!”!
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