ARTIFACTS LINK SPACE VESSEL TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama (CNN)…Still combing through and examining ersatz found onboard months following a well-overdue ”spiffing” by an elite-crew of highly-classified “guestroom-attendants” and aerospace engineers of Apollo 16, the flight-manual was nowhere to be found, but a Crimson Tide playbook (revealing NCAA contest strategies sans cover, which was used to salvage Apollo 13 a year previously, as famously-portrayed in the big-screen flick of the same-name featurin’ Tom Hanks et al) as well as a kicking-tee and a bucket of Gatorade were discovered. Reportedly, cleaning crews went-about their day blasting Elton John’s Rocket-Man and Peter Schilling’s Major Tom (Coming Home) over the loud-speakers! Ahead of the 50th anniversary of April 1972 flight, Nick Saban pinky-swore to secrecy players, coaches and the AD (who had nary had a gander at said-tome) in the previous rocket-tidying in 2019. (Editor’s note: ...“And the sign said, ‘The words of the forecast are written in the sportsbook halls...and air-lock walls!”)
The Hudson River Soldiers opened-up a canteen of whoop-ass! (Okay, fine!...half-a-canteen!) on the SS Minnow, toppling Team Paddleboard in the first-ever OT-edition of the series (and first “over” in the last 17 such tilts), extending our recent ongoing misery...0-1 (33-35-3, 485).
With da’ shot-clock off, Vindy dribbles across half-court, probes da’ defense and hoists-up...
THE WEBER KID’S 22-23 BOWL PREDICTIONS FORECAST: PART I
(On a serious note...dedicated to the late Mike Leach...RIP, Coach.)
SAT. DEC. 17
SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl (@ Las Vegas, NV)
#16 Oregon State vs. Florida (“over 52 ½”): Initial wave of post-season tilts trends toward chalk and “over”. Motivation should be an issue here. State makes its second straight bowl after wallowing thru seasons of 2, 5 and 2 before last year. Gators QB Anthony Richardson has foregone this one after starting all dozen contests in ‘21 to prep fer the April Draft. Takin’ his place is Ohio State transfer Jack Miller in his inaugural post-high school start. Beavers were part of weekly rotation of clubs that thought they were worthy of a 12-PAC championship and HC just inked his signature on a new contract thru 2029 fer 30 mil! Choice is based on little voice in our head screamin’ “pick-six” given 12 passing TDs allowed and 17 INTs. Crocs opened Strong (House of the Dragon fans will understand that reference) but 31-28 win vs. South Florida (who went 0-fer-FBS) maybe portended the rest of the season and factoring in 31-24 demise at then 4-6 Vandy. Anticipated good-weather (clear and a balmy-chilly [or what passes fer chilly in Sin City] 49 degrees) should not hamper scoring opportunities. Gators went 7-4 “over”. State just 4-6-1 above (exceeded 5, with two more at exactly 51), but...Beavers & Butthead 41 Crocs 28
Frisco Bowl (@ Frisco, TX)
North Texas (+10 ½) over Boise State: UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK #1. LOCK OF DA’ WEEK: Pairing of conference crown runners-up. Yeah, okay...Lean Tambourine got spanked in 3 of 4 non-conference battles, includin’ 31-point setback here in Sin City versus Rebels squad that has since fired its head coach, but beat the number in 7 of a dozen overall (4-3 away from Rocky Horror Picture Show home-location). Broncos went 9-4 SU, though still couldn’t wrangle-away the Mounted Chest-of-Drawers tiara from Fresno State. North Texas hasn’t tallied a post-season victory since 2013. BSU might have some extra incentive with two of past three years bowls cancelled due to COVID and uh...Nine of North Texas foes scored at least 27. As long as State doesn’t don entirely yellow outfits (DC Comics aficionados will know the reference)...Mean Green Lantern 34 Broncos 30
TUES. DEC. 20
RoofClaim.Com Boca Raton Bowl (@ Boca Raton, FL)
Toledo vs. Liberty (“over 53 ½”): Heads-up! Our gut-reaction was Flames and da’ (very minimal) points, then Spaceball One as narrow chalk (see our “best bets” below) before settling on the total! Go, run, save yerselves! But a closer examination of the season led elsewhere. God bless the Rockets (and da’ rest of the Mid-American Conference) fer playing on Tuesdays and Wednesdays in November, filling the gap between Monday-night and Thursday-night NFL matches! Fightin’ Falwells, 18-6 SU entering the year, looked poised to survive loss of QB Malik Willis to the pros, starting 8-1, but went quarterback-by-committee goin’ unsuccessful three straight times on the scoreboard to end the regular season, including a WTF defeat, in Lynchburg, to a NMSU squad that needed special permission from the league to gain a bowl berth with a losing record. Space Force hasn’t won a post-season game in four tries since 2016 and lost 3 of 5 prior to edging Ohio in a 17-7 slugfest to grab the MAC title. Flames have won three consecutive bowls, but...Uggggghhh … Battlestar Galactica 51 Liberty 30
THURS. DEC. 22
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl
Air Force (+5 ½) over Baylor: UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK #2. Yes...yes, we (made a pick), against our better judgement, involving our arch-nemesis...Da’ Bears (1-6, .142 back to last season)! Have to assume motivation lies with the Flight Platoon and their previously-noted high-number of returning starters and reppin’ da’ contest-sponsor. As pointed-out last week, they own the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy and would love to cap off that mission with a bowl-win. Bears finished Big 12 middlin’ in the standings and breakin’-in a very-new defense, which showed. Flyboys yielded 12 ppg-against, winning 9 of 12 contests. Under 49 ½ not bad guess either. We see no impetus for Bayluh to go all out here...USAF 24 Bay 20
FRI. DEC. 23
Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl (@ Shreveport, LA)
Houston vs. Louisiana (“under 57 ½”): A rare “below the number” prediction this time of year and therefore our “best guess fer “wish we had it back” (Cougars are layin’ just 7). Da’ bottom fell outta’ this total after starting out at 61...and we agree. With a first-year HC (though multi-year offensive coordinator in Lafayette) and almost no returning experience/depth, Ragin’ Cajuns were expected to suck dirty pond-water this season...and did...until mid-October before finishing 4-3 outright to get here (no shame in bein’ blown-out at resurgent Florida State). Coogs wanted the AAC title but didn’t even make the contest itself despite averaging 14th-best nationally of 37.2 ppg. Will Houston bother in Weeziana. UL-Laugh-at-Us allowed more than 21 just 4 times all year (with four of the other eight foes ending in the teens) ...UH 35 Gumbo 13
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, Coach was heard softly-singin' a line from David Bowie’s Space Oddity... “and the yards looked very diff-errrennt-to-daaa-aaa-aaayyyy".
In March, the Outback Bowl changed its name, after two decades, to the Tampa Bay Bowl. BORING! Why not basically leave the sponsor in place and call it the Bloomin’ Onion Tom Brady Bowl...”No tuck-rules, just right!”
With Pittsburgh drafting Connor Heyward last April, the Steelers now have four sets of brothers on the team. Twins? It’s a little-known fact that the Iron City, once upon a time, had Cathy & Patty Duke! “They walk alike, they talk alike...sometimes, they even block alike!” (Raise yer hand if yer old enuff to know that reference!)
1995 All-Terror Hockey Team “Honorable Mention:
Goalie: Curtis “The Collander” Woodard: Aleutian Island State University. Sophomore. 4’2” 130. Hometown: Birmingham, Alabama. Major: Refrigeration Maintenance. Received his nickname after racking-up 21 goals-against average last year for the “Ice Buckets”. Inspires his teammates with his gutsy play in the crease. Tends goal with a pot-holder and a curtain rod. Small frame presents an inviting target for opposing scorers.
Center: William “Willie” Teykaschott: Des Moines College of Maritime Studies. Senior. 7’1” 236. Excellent stickhandler. Skates the length of the ice but never passes or fires on net. Coaches firmly believe in his puck-control. Held opposing clubs to zero power-play goals last year. Also denied his Hoar Frost teammates the opportunity to score offensively. Former starter, now relegated to the penalty-killing squad.
During her time in “detention” by the Russians, Brittney Griner gave up only her name, position and uniform number!
If a basketball player consistently makes three-pointers contested by Noah’s biblical naval vessel, is he good from “behind the Ark”???!!! (Yeah, yeah...save the hate-mail fer somebody who cares!)
Diving into the archives, we note a customer-option originally left-out of our 2019 thoughts on the Las Vegas carwash establishment created by Jose Canseco...The DH- if the patron is unable to make a choice on a service-package, an employee will step-in and make a call on their behalf.
Cue-up Dr. Hook and Da’ Medicine Show...Sing it with us...”We keep getting' richer, but we can’t get our winner on “Spread-Cover of Da’ Rolllllin’ Stonnnne!” (“Gonna’ buy five parlays for our mothers!”)
Bowls Part I Best Bets: Last Week: 0-0 Season: 27-33 (.450)
Sudden Mist vs. Rice (“over 46 ½”), North Texas vs. Boise State (“over 60”), Eastern Michigan (+4) over San Josie State, Toledo (–1 ½) over Liberty
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