Thursday, November 29, 2018
HAWAI’I COACH RELEASES MEDIA-DAY ALBUM
HONOLULU, Hawai’i (TMZ)…In 2017, Rainbow Warriors head-coach Nick Rolovich acquired an Elvis look-a-like to perform at the Mountain West Conference media-day outing. This year, Coach provided a Britney Spears impersonator to lend a little entertainment to the annual-gathering. Now, just in time for the holidays, in conjunction with Warner Records, a compilation of tunes sung by those performers is being released. Lyrics from the King include, “You ’ but an underdog...’ all the time...you never caught a screen-pass...and you of !” and “I field-goal so , - field-goal so ...I field-goal so lonely..field-goal try.” From the former-Mouseketeer-turned-pop star, we’ll hear a TD-in-a-bottle, -by...” and “Oops...Iiii..dropped it again...”. Thousands are said to have braved Black Friday crowds and hours-long lines to get their hands on the CDs, which also contain a special-bonus track of the late Don-Ho crooning “Tiny Bubble-Screens"!
Despite a 1-0 buffer entering Friday’s tilts and a 3-2 advantage ahead of Saturday’s kick-offs, we couldn’t prevent da’ late-season fatigue and crawled to an 8-12 finish (our 4th-losing week in last 6 tries), bringing the season record to......113-122-4 (.481). Pullin’ da’ “” to make da’ bookies miss with...
THE WEBER KID’S 2018 CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK FORECAST
(Divin’ headlong “into da’ Spider-verse"!)
FRI. NOV. 30
PAC-12 CHAMPIONSHIP (@ SANTA CLARA, CA)
#17 Utah (+5) over #10 Washington: UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. Sled Dogs won 21-7 in Seattle earlier in the year, but posted first spread-win since late-September last week. UDUB took 7 of 9 PAC-12 contests outright, but covered just two. Utes are 6-3 SUATS in conference play. Utah, off 8-point Holy War victory looking first conference-crown in its first appearance in the title-match. They get it...Utah 26 Huskies 24
MAC CHAMPIONSHIP (@ DETROIT, MI)
Buffalo (-3 ½) over Northern Illinois: The coin likes...Bulls 27 Huskies 17
SAT. DEC. 1
SEC CHAMPIONSHIP (@ ATLANTA, GA)
#4 Georgia (+13) over #1 Alabama: Pachyderms’ closest MOV to-date was 24-zilch victory over Mississippi State at Bryant-Denny. ‘Dawgs will, of course, use last year’s 26-23 National Title contest, in extras, as the rally-cry here. ’ went 5-4 against the number vs. the SEC-slate, but spotted double-digits in almost all of ‘. These two squads are combined 16-5 “over” the total, but just three of UGA’s games surpassed this number (64 ½). Evil Empire has covered 6 of 8 on neutral-ground, while Georgia’s beaten in 7 of last 8 similar-locales. Even if Clemson demolishes unranked-Pitt, a mere-triumph over Top-4 Dawgs’ solidifies Tide’s pinnacle-spot in CFP vs. whomever ends-up at #4...Crimson Elephants 31 Canines 27
ACC CHAMPIONSHIP (@ CHARLOTTE, NC)
#2 Clemson (-27) over Pittsburgh: Tigers, likely to face Our Lady and style-points are irrelevant here unless Pachyderms lose to ‘Dawgs. Nonetheless, we’ll call...Tigers 45 Panthers 13
BIG 12 CHAMPIONSHIP (@ ARLINGTON, TX)
#9 Texas (+8 ½) over #5 Oklahoma: Rematch of wild Longhorns’ 48-45 win in Red River Rivalry, in which UT held-off furious 4th Quarter comeback-try to win it with less than :10 on the clock! Steers on 2-4 spread-skein, but all as chalk. still have remote hopes of playoff berth, but 2-7 ATS past 9 on neutral sites. Upset alert, but that’s as far as we’ll go and we anticipate better effort from Texas-D late...Oklahoma 30 Cattle 27
BIG TEN CHAMPIONSHIP
#6 Ohio State vs. #21 Northwestern (“under 60 ½”): Buckeyes looked more like “Bama in rout of Michigan! State is fitty-fitty “over/under”. “Cats are 8-3 “under” (with one of those “overs” being the result of OT contest vs. Nebraska) and won’t be able to swap sixes with State...OSU 38 N-Dub 14
AAC CHAMPIONSHIP (@ ORLANDO, FL)
Memphis @ #7 CENTRAL FLORIDA (“under 64 ½”): Bottom continues to fall ’ initial minus-five line and over/under 71 given UCF loss of starting QB Milton, who accounted about 75% of Knights passing-yards and offensive-points. Host will now rely-heavily on RB Greg McRae (see our “Black Shirt-segment) to keep the perfect-season intact. Tigers, who dropped 31-30 decision in mid-October and opened 4-2 “under” then went 4-1 “over” down the stretch, haven’t knocked-off Central Florida straight-up in past dozen tries...Gilded Galahads 29 UM 27
MOUNTAIN WEST CHAMPIONSHIP (@ BOISE, ID)
#19 BOISE STATE (-3) over Fresno State: Tater-Heads 23 Bulldogs 17
C-USA CHAMPIONSHIP (@ MURFREESBORO, TN)
MIDDLE TENNESSEE STATE (-2) over Alabama-Birmingham: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK...We like Blue Raiders QB Stockstill (26 TDs-6 INTs) and his 51st-ranked rush-D over UAB-best-weapon RB Brown (996-rushing-yards and 15 TDs). Third-straight roadie for ‘Bama-Light. State’s three outright defeats came at Vandy, at ‘ and (surprisingly) at Florida International...MTSU 29 Dragon-Breath 23
SUN BELT CHAMPIONSHIP (BOONE, NC)
Louisiana-Lafayette (+18) over APPALACHIAN STATE: Best guess for “wish we had it back” with ULL coming-in having won tough 31-28 donnybrook at rival UL-Cornrow, but Cajuns lost by only 10 at Application State earlier and also by a ten-spot at Troy (whom we originally-thought would emerge as Stun Belt champion). Mountaineers are much-younger on offense than Lafayette. Winner gets highly-coveted (not!)-berth in 12/15 R&L New Orleans Bowl...’ 34 Lafayette 27
BEST WEEKLY EFFORT: Week Five’s 13-6
WORST WEAKLY “F”-fort: Week One’s 5-11 (not too far-off last season’s 5-14 from da’ git-go!)
WEBER-FRIENDLIES (Best percentage on the predicted-side of the spread; minimum 7 at-bats in the forecast): The 2018 Allstate “ in Goods Hands” award goes joyously to the Aggies of Texas A&M (5-1-1, .833). Second-Place to da’ Auburn Tigers (7-2, .778) and Honorable-Mention to da’ Golden Knights of Central Florida at 7-3 (.700)!
Not appearances, but thank you for ’: Syracuse (5-1, .833), South Carolina (4-1, .800) and South Florida (4-1, .800).
FLAME-THROWERS (Worst percentage on the predicted-side of the spread; minimum 7 at-bats in the forecast): This season’s Grill-Master Supreme (you can still see the sear-marks on wallet) goes to...Miami (0-7, .000). ’ Place to Michigan (2-10, .143) and Dishonorable Mention to Alabama (3-8, .273...BTW, Dim-Sum Fried garnered similar hardware in 2017 at 4-6!)
Didn’t Make Da’ Cut, But We’ll Be ’...Utah State and Maryland, both at 1-4 (.200), as well as Boise State (2-4, .333)!
BETWEEN DA’ HASHMARKS
BTW, Coach Rolovich drew the attention of famous-parody-song-writer Weird Al Yankovic and was signed to a multi-year recording-deal!
Can’t wait for next season, when Rolovich brings-along an Elton John imposter, who will belt out such classics as “Bennie and Da’ Jet-Sweeps", “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road-Game, “Don’t Let Da’ Sun Go Fourth-Down Me”, “Toledo Rocket-Man" and “Tiny End-Zone Dancer”.
Houston-faithful issued a sarcastic raspberry-cheer for da’ Rice Owls, who logged their first FBS-win on the year, taking-out now-4-8 Old Domesticated University 27-13 this past weekend!
, trying to quickly-place a wager, fell and injured a knee, resulting in a 10-second run-off in the last two-minutes that the sportsbook was open!
Ahead of his mid-November game vs. Detroit, Bears’ ( “Cheers”-fans...”...Bears.”) corner Prince Amukamara had his moniker incorrectly-sewn on his jersey as “”. He also suffered a similar-mishap a couple seasons ago playing for the Jags (who labeled his -top with “”). The Chicago defender quipped, “They could’ve at least spelled it “Tutankhamun”!!!!”
Help us understand with considerably-better win-loss records are getting canned on a frequent-basis this week. Yet Lovie Smith got a two-year extension to 2023 by the ’ Illini, who’ve tallied campaigns of three-victories, two-victories and four-victories this year (plus a moral-victory in 24-16 defeat at then-#20 Northwestern to close-out the season???!!!). Clay(-Pigeon?) Helton gets to hang-around at USC following 5-7 outing (despite fans’ expressions of “Fillet Da’ Clay!” [or Game of Thrones fans...Flay Da’ Clay??!!]”, but was preceded by two DD-SU win-seasons, so we get it.
Attendance at Tampa Bay Bucs games has been poor-enough to lead the organization to give-away free tickets to put butts in seats. Likewise, da’ picks have been so bad that we’re offering our weekly forecasts ’ as well (Oh wait...we already do that!). Meanwhile Tampa Bay officials have inquired about possibly joining the Canadian Football League!
“Who Was That Masked Man???!!!”: Vindicator nailed it, publishing just two words, on the epic Bengals (+2 ½) over TAMU-selection extras”!!!! (Though frankly, we anticipated two-, not seven-OT periods!)
“Wish We Had It Back”: Queue-up Cher we could back ...” We’d like to rethink our choice of Michigan –3 ½ over OHIO STATE after noting Buckeyes had won on the scoreboard 25 times in past 27 in Columbus!
"Locked in a Box": Gamecocks (+26) hung-in long-enough (losing by 21) at Clemson to raise the record to 5-7 (.417).
Championship Week Best Bets: Last Week: 1-3-1 Season: 27-28-2 (.491)
Oklahoma-Texas “under 78”, Akron @ SOUTH CAROLINA “under 56”, Stanford @ CAL “under 48 ½”, Marshall +4 ½ over VA TECH
Up next...our yearly-thoughts on Army-Navy!