BILLIONAIRE TAKES SPORTS, POLITICS INTO OWN HANDS
NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (BBC)…Clearly empowered by his expressed (though later withdrawn) desire to moderate a GOP debate and deeming himself worthy of officiating a BCS bowl, Donald Trump was immediately recognized by fans in the stands and TV viewers as the person wearing the referee’s uniform while the JumboTron at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome broadcast the opening coin-toss of the college football national title game on Monday. As penalties occurred, the brash celeb reportedly offered coaches the option of having flagged players “fired” rather than taking the yardage. Eagle-eyed viewers also noted the officiating crew was down a man to start the 3rd Quarter, as the back judge was dismissed during a “board meeting” held at halftime after having a call on the field reversed upon further video review.
In a related story, Vindicator quickly produced a full New York birth certificate proving US citizenship to quiet a “birthers” movement revived by Trump, who asked whether or not Vindy deserved admission to Delaware State, Penn State and Richmond after learning, from undisclosed sources, the Weber Kid was a poor student. Journalists continue to question the timing of the birth certificate release, but Vin noted during a press conference that he didn’t “have time for this silliness” and implored the media…and the nation…to focus on more important issues facing the country, such as who would win the 2012 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament.
A British spy agency hacked into an al-Qaida E-zine this past summer and swapped bomb-making instructions with cupcake recipes. In related news, Vindicator finally got past Martha Stewart’s firewall and replaced her holiday fruitcake guide with…
THE WEBER KID’S 2011-12 BOWL RECAP
(Striving to “make Peggy sad”)
At the outset of the bowl season, Vindy’s “ready” was better than the bookie’s “ready”. A promising 6-2 start had our hero doin’ the State Farm “discount double-check” all the way to the cashier’s cage, but Vindicator spent two minutes in the penalty box for skidding short of the bookie’s net and giving him a snow-shower (and was immediately confronted on the subsequent shift by the bookie’s enforcer!). In retaliation, the picks were sent on a 3-12 death spiral that saw the floundering forecaster end 2011 at 9-14. 2012 looked good for a few brief moments as Vindy opened the new year 3-0, but suffered a subsequent 1-6 setback, including our second straight “lock of da’ bowls” loss by K-State. Vindy then finished with a 2-0 flurry (something we’ll build upon for next season), getting a nifty comeback win by Northern Illinois in the GoDaddy and correctly calling ‘Bama’s national title game victory to bring the bowl campaign to a merciful finish with a career-low 15-20 (.428) tally. We did nominally better against the totals, going a profitable 19-16 (.542). Favorites took 20 of the contests, while ‘dogs covered 14 (winning 9 outright), with one pick ‘em (Iowa State-Rutgers). Points this post-season came at a premium as well, with 20 of the games finishing “under” the total. Vindy’s post-season award or “award” winners (Weber-Friendlies and Flame-Throwers) actually provided four prediction wins in six tries, but all five “we’ll be watchin’” squads (Ohio State, Joja’ Tech, Okie State, Wisky and Clemson) all smacked the Weber Kid upside the head again!
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, late in the national title game, an inadvertent flag hit the ground. However, after confirming with each other, the officiating crew decided “there was no foul on the play” and simply picked up Trump’s toupee off the field.
Vindy’s spies noted it was actually Mitt Romney presiding over the aforementioned board meeting because, as the GOP presidential-hopeful told the Nashua (New Hampshire) Chamber of Commerce, he likes to “being able fire people” too!
Actor and current Allstate spokesman Dennis Haysbert oversaw the opening coin-toss of the LSU-‘Bama game. The presence of the former President David Palmer from 24 also meant Jack Bauer was somewhere inside the Superdome, feverishly seeking out a bomb that would level the stadium if he couldn’t disarm it as time expired!
Speaking of presidents, Barack Obama helped the Dallas Mavericks celebrate their NBA Title in the nation’s capitol this week. Remembering that Dirk Nowitzki crooned Queen’s “We Are the Champions” following their championship run, the Commander-in-Chief reportedly led the White House staff in a rousing version of Bohemian Rhapsody to mark the occasion!
The Duchess of Cambridge, AKA Mrs. Prince William, reportedly disappointed the royal subjects by celebrating her 30th birthday on January 9th in a “low-key” manner. Come to think of it, we seem to remember spotting the former Kate Middleton in the end zone seats during the BCS Title game…wearing a Tide jersey!
Also BTW, TSA at McCarron Airport confiscated a red velvet cupcake last month because the frosting violated standards for gel. Anybody else out there contemplating the remake of a classic SNL skit…”It’s a cupcake frosting …it’s a plastic explosive…it’s both!”????
Over the holidays, Vindy went to a nice seafood restaurant and inquired about that day’s market-price on the…long-snapper!
Vindicator replaced his rear-view and side-view mirrors with some of the reflective helmets worn by the Oregon Ducks at this year’s Rose Bowl!
We recently caught a headline reading, “Stephen King to Pay for Mainers’ Oil”. With Vindy’s obvious sports-related frame-of-reference, he thought the article-title proclaimed, “Stephen King to Pay for Mariners’ Oil” and thought maybe the Master of the Macabre and author of “The Girl Who Loved (Boston Red Sox pitcher) Tom Gordon”, might be planning to pen a sequel called, “The Girl Who Loved Ichiro”!!!!!
6-ft, 8-inch Mikhail Prokhorov, owner of the NBA’s New Jersey Nyets…um…Nets… is challenging Vladimir Putin in Russia’s March presidential election. If the race is close at the end, it could come down to Putin’s ability to extend the contest by fouling and sending Prokhorov to the charity stripe to shoot free-throws!
Elle Nordegren just demolished a $12M home she purchased after divorcing Tiger Woods. Neighbors say, the model, armed with a driver and a bucket of Top Flights, shot six-under-par while taking out all the windows before giving way to the bulldozers, which then turned the mansion into little more than a sand-trap!
Director Spike Lee plans to hit the Silver Screen again as “Mookie”. Strange…we don’t remember him portraying the former NY Mets centerfielder Mookie Wilson the first time!
We’ve all heard about the conspiracy called “Suck for Luck”. But what about NFL squads who might’ve lost intentionally because they really want Baylor’s quarterback instead?! Can you say, “Whiffin’ for Griffin”???!!!
Vindy took notice of an ad in the Las Vegas Review-Journal hawking “BFG Chicken Strips”. The promo-in-question said “’BFG’ stands for baked, fried or grilled”. We’re thinkin’ in South Carolina, that abbreviation represents “Big Freakin’ Gamecocks”!!!!
In order to save money, the Presidential Coin Act of 2005, which required the minting of four new coins featuring dead presidents each year from 2007-2016, got the boot in December. In a similar move, the NCAA dispensed with the individualized ceremonial currency for each post-season game and used old ones emblazoned with team logos and helmets of the British and the Colonists!
After securing the Sugar Bowl trophy for the Wolverines with his foot in overtime, Michigan kicker Brendan Gibbons said, “Every time we were like struggling in kicking, coach tells me to think about girls on a beach or brunette girls.” Well…that would certainly explain the bikini and brownish wig the Michigan holder was wearing at the time of the game-winning FG! (BTW, we prefer blondes… and if ya tape a poster of Meg Ryan, Melissa-Joan Hart, Alison Sweeney or Alicia Silverstone to the goalposts, Vindy’s splitting the uprights from 50-plus!!!)
The Texas Supreme Court recently put the kibosh on the Lone Star State’s plans to draw up new electoral maps. Apparently, they’re still to tryin’ to work-out the logistics of including TCU, San Diego State and other teams associated with what is about to become the Big East-of-the Pacific-Ocean Conference for voting purposes!
Data used to close post offices around the country has come under fire. Vindy had similar concerns about the BCS Poll all season and supports a USPS playoff system to determine which offices get shuttered and which ones remain open each year!
This year’s field of 68 is already being determined by the 14 Democratic legislators from Wisconsin, who bolted from America’s Dairyland last February and holed-up in an Illinois hotel temporarily to start the selection! The process will eventually, however, be turned over to…the congressional Supercommittee (which will also conduct April’s NFL Draft!)
The North Koreans attributed a “mysterious glow atop a revered mountain”, a sheet of lake ice cracking with a thunderous sound and a crane drooping its head in sorrow after circling a statue of the country’s founder to the passing of Kim Jong Il. Oddly, all three of those events were also part of the laundry-list of things the Cincinnati Bengals needed to happen in order to make the playoffs! Even stranger, Vindy pre-arranged an unexplained aura around the Stratosphere hotel & casino, the Bellagio fountains freezing over and a pigeon circling Oscar Goodman, himself, before wetting its beak in the former mayor’s martini glass, had he completed his three-team parlay, but K-State’s 13-point loss negated prior covers by Weeziana Tech and Houston!
Speaking of which, “Dear Leader” was not only a term of affection and respect, but also reflected Kim Jong Il’s status at the top of nearly all statistical categories for the country in football, including passing yards, rushing yards, touchdowns, field-goals, even sacks and tackles-for-loss! How did this guy ever miss getting on the Big Boards for the NFL Draft???!!! Maybe he bombed the Wonderlic…literally! The national media even went so far as to alter a photo of his funeral procession to avoid revealing the North Korean army actually had too many men on the field at one point!
In one of his first official actions as the new head coach at Penn State, Bill O’Brien recruited two kids…named “Brady” and “Vinatieri”!
Black Shirt: We’re handin’ out multiple ebony undergarments this post-season to…Ohio U. QB Tyler Tettleton for the 1-yard TD plunge with 13 seconds left to give the Bobblecats the minor upset over Utah State, Ragin’ Cajun kicker Brett Baer for a successful fitty-yard FG as time expired to validate our upset pick of ULL-Lafayette over SDSU and QB EJ Manuel for rallying FSU (-3) from a 2nd half two-touchdown hole to win by 4.
“Locked in a Box?”: Iowa State got whacked by Rutgers to lower the season tally to 7-8 (.467) and posting back-to-back “Lock of da’ Bowls” losses, as noted above, for the Sin City Soothsayer!
Shoppe Talk: Grill-Master awardee Michigan State and Suckin’ Place winner Virginia Tech posted forecast dubyas, while only Dishonorable Mention West Virginia dropped us again! All five teams in “watch” status Ohio State, Joja’ Teck, Oklahoma State, Wisconsin and Clemson), however, hit us below the (Sun) belt!
Vindy’s Bowls Best Bets: Part II: 2-2 Bowls: 4-3 Season: 36-34-1 (.514)
LEFTOVER HASH (Yes, we know it’s redundant. Vindicator now conducts the annual “emptying of the clip” and expends all the stuff he had in the arsenal throughout the season that didn’t previously find its way into the forecast…until now.)
In exchange for the right to remain licensed and among its BCS bowl brethren, the Fiesta agreed to fork over $1M in fines and be audited once a year. (Oh…and…the Penn State athletic director in charge of the BCS oversight committee brokered an automatic bid to the game for the Nifty Lions for each of the next four years, regardless of the team’s win-loss record!
If Meineke can sponsor a “Car Care Bowl”, why can’t Head & Shoulders back a “Hair Care Bowl”??? Do I hear the American Greetings “Care Bear Bowl”???!!!
On the big screen…as part of a military project to conquer the BCS, George Clooney and company, armed with no more than intense gazes, succeed in knocking over parade entries during pre-game festivities for the Rose, Fiesta, Orange and Sugar Bowls in…”The Men Who Stare at Floats”!
The BCS selected not just one, but multiple possible dates for its big games in anticipation of scheduling conflicts with a revamped NFL schedule as the result of the lockout. Apparently, FBS now stands for “Flexible Bowl Schedule” or “Forgiving Bowl Scandals”!!! Or BCS stands for “Bendable Championship Schedule”!
On Lifetime…family matriarchs are filmed while battling obsessed coaches who teach their toddlers to perform obnoxious touchdown celebrations in “End Zone Dance Moms”!
Is it just Vindy or does anybody else out there who’s seen him think Boise State QB recruit Nick Patti looks like Adrian Brody???!!!!
Instead of usual band, Boise State scripted its first 15 plays of the Las Vegas Bowl on a writeable Bud Light label strapped to QB Kellen Moore’s wrist!
In an act of defiance, Reggie Bush had his 2005 Heisman Trophy sent to his parents, who immediately welded the highly-coveted hardware to one of Terrell Pryor’s cars as a nifty hood-ornament!
In August, Georgetown’s hoops team brawled on the hardwood with the Chinese squad during a “friendly” in Beijing. Chinese reps later caught up to the Hoyas at airport to reconcile and exchange souvenirs, but we look forward to more fireworks should the two clubs meet again in the Sweet 16 of this year’s Big Dance!
In each of the four days prior to the January 2011 San Diego State/BYU hoops game, Provo’s Daily Herald printed one of four sections, which when joined together, formed a life-size likeness of Jimmer Fredette. As an added bonus, the reverse side of the completed poster showed a life-size replica of...the Vegas Vindicator!
Hawaii’s gridiron team was accused of point-shaving in its outright loss to UNLV. As 18-point chalk, a 17-point win is point-shaving. Accounting for teaser-bets, a 10 win is point-shaving. A 20-point defeat to arguably one of the worst teams in D-I football is not point-shaving! Lack of focus, maybe. Poor execution, for sure. But definitely not point-shaving!
Jockey Calvin Borel was picked up last August by the Louisville PD for DWI. Guess that explains why he hugged the rail during his 2009 Kentucky Derby victory! He was tryin’ stay on the horse!
Pakistan spy agency, Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI), got heat for not stopping the U.S. raid that that took out Osama Bin Laden. The organization, however, is no stranger to such criticism and has been the scapegoat for...the 1980 “Miracle on Ice” and the Best Picture Oscar that went to The English Patient. It also got blame for the antler-like hat worn by Princess Beatrice to the 2011 royal nuptials…and for scandals at Ohio State, Penn State and Miami.
The “Leftovers” column of an edition of the Las Vegas Review-Journal noted the creation of a Lingerie Basketball League and queried, “What next, Lingerie Lacrosse?”. We’d like to see Lingerie Curling! Women in skimpy French maid outfits “sweeping” along the ice! Or maybe Lingerie Jai-Alai!?? Sweet!!!!
Celebrity-boxing promoter Damon Feldman won his breach-of-contract lawsuit vs. Jose Canseco, who apparently had twin-brother Ozzie secretly take his place in a March fight. Queue up the Patti Duke Show theme song?...”They walk alike, they talk alike…sometimes they even box alike?!” BTW, Vindy has an evil twin, who’s responsible for all his forecast losses…the Sin City Scintillator (whom we’re blaming for the whole 2011 Vindy’s Picks season fiasco!)
A former Colorado Rockies 1B and current minor-leaguer was the first player to get the temporary boot from a game for using PEDs. Anybody else see the irony in this happening to a guy who’s home park was one in which Howdy Doody woulda’ hit home runs on a regular basis???!!!
MLB manager Bobby Valentine claimed to have invented the “wrap” lunch item. Al Gore is refuting that assertion, claiming instead, that he himself was the founder of that sandwich!
Former Indiana Pacer Samaki Walker was temporarily booked after police found marijuana, prescription pills and steroids in his vehicle. Walker said the steroids are legal in Syria, where he plays basketball. Narcotics charges were eventually dropped. Meanwhile, attorneys and agents for Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds and the North Korean women’s World Cup soccer team are backdating contracts to show their clients were actually playing for ball-clubs in Syria at the times of their investigations. And BTW, anyone who’s traveled to that nation knows weed is used frequently as an appetizer!
New Mexico football player Deshon Marman was asked to debark an airplane after repeatedly refusing to pull up his pants. No charges were filed, but the defensive back spent the rest of the season “goin’ Greyhound” to all the Lobos away games!
Members from both sides of the NFL lockout held secret meetings in June about the issues. Those gatherings woulda’ been more-clandestine had everybody not worn a jersey with the number “007” on it. In fact, there were reported sightings of James Bond, Lancelot Link, Secret Squirrel, Mata Hari and Maxwell Smart at the undisclosed location!
Linebacker Desmond Howard got stuck hanging out solo on the Green Bay Packers bus while the rest of the team got to meet President Obama as a reward for winning last season’s Super Bowl because he didn’t remember to bring his ID. Not to worry. Tareq and Michaele Salahi were more than happy to take his place.
On the big screen....”Cloudy With a Chance of Long Balls!”
Also on the big screen…a teenage Brett Favre struggles to deal with his newfound super-powers while being hunted by aliens ahead of their invasion of Earth in...”I Am Number Four”.
One more time on the big screen….an animated flick based on the daily journal kept by our fab forecaster during his milquetoast childhood in…”Diary of a Vindy Kid”!
On the concert circuit…ex-football team underlings form a musical group and hit it big as…Waterboyz 2 Men!
Terrell Pryor’s body art featuring the same Dodge Ram logo that graces the taillights of said-company’s trucks was a definite clue for investigators lookin’ into the allegations of inappropriate benefits.
Recently-released travel records and credit card statements revealed part of ex-Ohio State coach Jim Tressel’s “punishment” for sitting on information about his players’ shenanigans too long was mandatory attendance at a June seminar on “Division I Major Infractions”. Our agenda for that Tampa, Florida event shows that specified session sandwiched between “How to Make Lotsa’ Money Without Really Trying” and a presentation on timeshares in Key West.
Zappos.com busts out “naked models doing everyday things” with carefully-covered nudity in a July ad campaign. Show us a nearly-nude model placing wagers at the sportsbook and we’ll flash the plastic to buy whatever they’re sellin’…everytime!
Fergie revealed her thoughts about being denied an invite to WillKat’s regal knot-tying. Hey…after that less-than-inspiring rendition of Tonight’s Gonna’ Be A Good Night at last February’s Super Bowl halftime gig, we woulda’ passed her up for the nuptials too! (Oh wait…wrong Fergie! Our bad!)
Attorneys sued big companies in California on behalf of cashiers who don’t have seats available to them. Great. Can’t wait to see this one hit Vegas. “Objection, your honor. We think it’s unfair for bookies to cash winning tickets when they have to stand on their feet all day!” By golly, no self-respecting Walmart cashier should be without a reclining, swivel-chair at their check-out counter, especially during the holidays!
American Wagering Inc. was purchased in April by a major British sports betting company. Great...now Vindy’s gotta’ figure out how to convert spreads and money lines to the metric system! “Uhhh...gimme four pounds six pence on Elton John over George Michael on the moneyline!?”
If a former Olympic track medalist returns the one ring to Mount Doom, would it be...Flo Jo Baggins???!!!
Forget “Rate Tate’s chicken”!!! Domino’s Pizza boxes now offer the opportunity to “Rate Tay’s Chicken” or “Rate Vindy’s Picks’!”
“Can switching to GEICO really save you 15% or more on car insurance? Was Charles Barkley honest? Would Mike Tyson make a really bad book narrator??!!”
Here’s a sound-bite we wanna’ hear from the 2012 Scripps National Spelling Bee…Judge: “Draft.” Contestant: “Draft…D-R-A-U-G-H-T…’draft’” Judge: “BZZZT! WRONG-O!!! In yo’ face! Grab some pine, you little egghead!!!!!!!
Atlantic City now employs lingerie-wearing blackjack dealers and beverage-servers in bustiers and fishnets. Ho-hum. We here in Sin City already got scantily-clad dancers/dealers. However, we could seriously use some hot ticket-writers who also bust a move between counter gigs. Would give a whole new meanin’ to “spreads”.
Starting this month, the NCAA legislative committee will entertain a proposal by the Big Least that schools be allowed to provide spreads (such as butter, peanut butter, jelly, cream cheese, etc.) with the unadorned bagels they can give to potential recruits. Presently, said accoutrements are only legally-available to the institutions’ own student-athletes. “Dude…here’s your plain bagel….but if ya sign with *us*….the sky’s the limit on spreads!” We foresee the “Bagel Bowl”, with tubs of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” as swag (or sponsor!). How ‘bout sushi with mustard or wasabi? Coke with rum????!!!!
NIKE donated $400K to Penn State’s libraries in honor of JoePa’s 400th victory....and merely asked to have the swoosh logo placed on each building and bookshelf in exchange!
The North Korean women’s World Cup soccer team claimed the opening 2-0 loss to Team USA was due to its players being struck by lightning during a practice session. Well…that settles it…Thor is clearly not havin’ any of that rogue-nation-Communist crappola on the pitch!
During the preseason, Steve Spurrier voluntarily got handcuffed to make a point to his Gamecocks players....and still managed to throw his visor to ground!
Coming this winter…to an arena near you....“Vindy’s Picks On Ice”.
Vindy before being scrapped in the final selections in April, made the elite “royal wedding guest list” for Kate and Prince William...somewhere between George Michael and Scary Spice!
JC Penney yanked a controversial female garment from its website after consumers whined about the T-shirt, which sports the motto, “I’m too pretty to do my homework so my brother has to do it for me.”. That didn’t deter us from purchasing the one that proclaims, “Vindy’s too purty to place his wagers, so his bookie has to do it for him!”
Until August, Sportsfans…we leave you with our traditional Irish blessing…”May the road ‘dog rise up to beat you.” (Somethin’ like that!)
Air Forecast One has gone “wheels up”!
