NFL SKED REFLECTS IMPACT OF POP STAR’S CALENDAR
NEW YORK, New York (AP)...Announced in May, schedules for each NFL club were disclosed. The defending Super Bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs were unequivocally gifted a favorable slate of contests for the 2024 campaign. Officials copped to considering the known performance-dates of Taylor Swift, main-squeeze of KC tight-end Travis Kelce when putting together the league’s itinerary of games. Sources close to the league note that, in deals with Swift and her tour manager, concert tickets were accepted in exchange for venue changes from Rome, Dublin, Paris, Berlin and Toronto to Baltimore, Cincinnati, New Orleans and Houston, forcing those road game dates to be “flexed” to Arrowhead Stadium instead, leading to the premeditated plot and scandal being called “Tix for Tackles”!
We are bruised and battered and just shy of traction after the bookies marked our most recent forecast as “return to sender”. We began Week 6 results with yet-another winning Friday-nighter on a correct upset call of Syracuse over UNLV, but dropped all four Saturday choices, leaving us a burning hulk at 1-4 (15-14-1, .517 season).
Needing a stop to stay above water, we’re “dialin’-up pressure” on da’ bookies with...
THE WEBER KID’S 2024 WEEK 7 FORECAST
(Knockin' da' nets off their moorings!)
SAT. OCT. 12
#T18 Oklahoma (+14) over #1 Texas (“over 50”) (@ Dallas, TX): Yup...the dreaded double-call (side and total!). UT is one of three schools signing NIL contracts with Panini America. Apparently, the company-in-question deals in trading cards, but we originally had visions of toasted sandwiches featuring sear-marks resembling images of players! New conference, same rivalry. Nine of last ten Red River Sushi Bar contests have been high-scoring outings and decided by 8 or fewer with the one-off being a 49-nutnin' shutout by the Steers in 2022. Sooners have won four of the past five. As usual, both sides were idle ahead of this one and Quinn Ewers returns at QB for Texas after missing two games. ‘Horns are grudgingly giving up an average of 7 ppg, but list of conquered does not impress (Colorado State, Michigan [currently #24, but...], UTSA, UL-Cornrow and Mississippi State). Okies yielding 16 ppg, aren’t much better, but 15-point triumph over Tulane, road victory at Auburn and series history sways us toward...Cattle 33 OK 27
#4 Penn State (-5 ½) over USC: Another match-up that would only have happened previously in da’ Rose Bowl (last meeting was 2017’s 52-49 win by SoCal in said Grandaddy of ‘Em All). Lions’ offense was fair-to-middlin' last week (includin’ a couple Philly Iggles versions of da’ brotherly-shove [or what we’ve deemed da’ “heinie-heave”] conversions), but the D was its usual outstanding self in 27-11 victory, holding the Bruins to a FG until allowing a meaningless (unless less ya teased Penn State -28 ½ down to 21 ½) last minute TD and successful 2-pointer. James Franklin is gettin’ some quiet press about takin’ over as head coach in Da’ Swamp. Hmmm. Star RB Nick Singleton returns for State (we think!)...Alma Mater 29 USC 17
#9 Ole Miss @ #13 LSU (“under 63): LOCK OF DA” WEEK. MINOR UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. Rebels, rewarded nose-tackle JJ Pegues with not one, but two (count ‘em two!) rushes for touchdowns in 27-3 win over South Carolina last week while taking advantage of Pugilistic Poultry turnovers. Rebels, off an 11-win season, despite being second-nationally behind Miami in passing yards and total offensive ypg, posted an average of mere 22 ppg the past two weeks, including 20-17 demise at Kentucky. Visitor has an edge in the running game behind RB Henry Parrish Jr. (top 20 in rushing ypg). Only one of Mississippi’s five contests this season finished above 63 ½. Ditto LSU. During the offseason, Louisiana became the first state to mandate posting of the Ten Commandments in all publicly-funded school classrooms, including colleges. Meanwhile, LSU, Tulane, Weeziana Tech, Weeziana Monroe and Weeziana Lafayette (AKA just “Weeziana”) will simply display the Ten-Yards fer a First-Down Commandments in their respective locker rooms! Per Marc Lawrence, the host in this series has covered six consecutive times. Bengals have walked off the field on the wrong end of the scoreboard only once in their last 17 at Baton Rouge and we can’t see this final score eclipsing 63 points...State 27 Old Missed 23
#T18 Kansas State (-3 ½) over COLORADO: Best guess for “wish we had it back”. Choosing a result here was toughest decision we made this week, but we’re backing the side with more offensive balance and better discipline. Coach Prime has done an admirable job, improving points-scored and points-against significantly in 2023 (by 13 ppg and 100 ppg, respectively) and leading CU to four dubyas in five tilts to-date, but Colorado is one-dimensional, throwing for 326 pass yards per game while “rush” is a four-letter word at 80 ypg. Pass D between the two clubs is basically a wash. Kittens run for 252 per game (#7 nationally) and put it up for about 180 ypg. Buffs were third-worst in penalties last year and are currently the country’s most penalized team at 9.9 yellow-hankies per contest and are headed toward a school-record if it doesn’t change. Buffaloes Executive Chef Carl Solomon praised Deion Sanders’ change in training table cuisine toward healthier choices by quickly establishing partnerships with Goal-to-Go Corral, Red-Zone Lobster, Kentucky Fried Catches and Long-Snapper John’s!...Wildcats 34 Bison 24
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, the famous singer and her crew were, however, unable to finagle a change of tilts at San Francisco and Buffalo, so those will be the lone pair of away-challenges for her boo and his teammates.
We claim “bad beat” on our selection of Missouri @ A&M “under 48 ½"! Down 34 with a 4th-and-goal at the Aggies’ 6-yardline and 8 seconds to play in the game, Tigers trotted out the kicker fer a meaningless 23-yard chippie, sending the final total “over”. Mizzou HC Eliah Drinkwitz just got deleted from our annual Christmas card list!
Joja' State beats Vandy, ‘Bama beats Joja’, Vandy beats ‘Bama....at-large bid fer da’ College Football Playoffs...Georgia State???!!! Jus’ sayin’!
If a Frankie Valle tune from Grease meets college football recruiting, do we hear, “JUCO school drop-out...go back to high school.”???!!! Similarly, if Frankie Avalon sang an advice-laden tune about football to a “Grease” character from Rydell named “Frenchie”, who couldn’t cut it as a pass-catcher at the local cosmetology institute, would we hear “Beauty school wide-out...go back to high school...”???!!!
If hoity-toity schools with high-IQ student-athletes, such as Yale, Harvard, Stanford and Northwestern; get flagged for havin’ too many players on the gridiron, is it...”12 Mensa on da’ field”? If the hockey teams are similarly-penalized, is it a bench-minor fer “too many Mensa on da’ ice”??!!!
If a game official inadvertently gets caught up in an Eagles short-yardage strategy, is it a “Back Judge Booty-Boost"????!!!!!
Billy Idol headlined a pre-game concert before the Super Bowl near the Allegiant Stadium venue. The venerable rocker broke into “Eye-Formations without a Facemask” and “End Zone Dancin’ with Myself”!
Cleveland Guardians OF Stephen Kwan attributes his batting proficiency (and selection to the 2024 All-Star contest) to the hand-eye coordination gained playing pinball since he was a toddler. In fact, after achieving a certain number of hits, Kwan is automatically granted an extra base at his next successful trip to the plate! More on this next week!
In April, the Dollar Loan Center Arena in Henderson, Nevada (just southeast of Sin City fer the non-Sin City readers), home to the Henderson Silver Knights (AHL hockey club), Vegas Knight Hawks indoor-football league team and Vegas Thrill professional volleyball league squad (and host to the Big West Conference basketball tournament), switched monikers to “Lee’s Family Forum”, honoring the local Lee’s Discount Liquor chain. Is it just a matter of time before we see Johnny Walker Red Relatives Racetrack, Dom Perignon Descendants Downs, Pinot Grigio Progeny Park, Sauvignon Siblings Stadium or Courvoisier Clan Court???!!!
In addition to rain during the unique waterborne opening ceremony of the Paris Olympic Games on the Seine River, vessels carrying each nation’s team of athletes had to avoid great white sharks, the Kraken, pirate ships, the Lady of Da’ Lake, Soviet submarines, floating mine-fields, baby seals, a small typhoon, a random iceberg, a Navy SEAL team assigned to protect the flotilla, an unexpected sandbar, young children bearing “My Little Pony” floaties and risks of a scurvy outbreak! Somehow, Sudan’s boat managed to wander well off-course and landed aground on the shore of “Gilligan” Island”, yet still managed a bronze medal in the rowing/regatta competition! Meanwhile, somewhere during the procession, the Olympic flag was flown upside-down, accidentally signaling the universally-recognized distress-call and briefly activating the French naval National Guard!
If a Johnny Cash classic meets sports-gambling, do we hear...”Because yer mine, I bet the line!”
Black Shirt: This week’s enthralling under-apparel is given to Orange QB LeQuint Allen for an 11-yard run converting 4th Down with just over a minute to play, leading to the eventual tying touchdown to bring about OT and Syracuse’s predicted “upset pick of da’ week” over UNLV!
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Last Week: 0-1 Season: 3-3 (.500). Hawkeyes hit the board just once vs. Ohio State (“over 45”), sending our “lock” tally to snooze-worthy three wins in six tries.
Vindy’s Week 7 Best Bets: Last Week: 2-2 Season: 11-13 (.458)
San Diego State @ WYOMING “over 42 ½”, UL-MONROE –6 ½ over Southern Miss, Washington State @ Fresno State “over 60 ½”, NC STATE +4 over Syracuse
