PROBATION OFFICER TO STEWART: "NO PICKS"
NEW YORK, New York (Reuters)…Stock values in all of Martha Stewart’s holdings have skyrocketed recently as the announcement banning Stewart from betting with Vindy’s Picks continues to reverberate throughout Wall Street. As conditions of her ongoing probation, Martha also agreed to refraining from getting drunk, owning a gun and being outside the federal court jurisdiction of New York. Originally scheduled to shed her electronic tracking device in early August, the domestic diva conceded some additional weeks of house arrest after unspecified violations, thought to be placing parlay bets with her bookie while roaming the vast expanses of her ranch. Recently, Stewart uttered one word to the media…"hideous". "The ankle bracelet?" queried one reporter. "No," quipped the homemaking maven, "Vindy’s picks!…I lost a ton of money this past weekend!"
Having recovered from self-inflicted shotglass wounds endured as Weber tallied the results of his 6-12 Week One prognostication, Vindy tries again with…
THE WEBER KID'S 2005 WEEK 2 FORECAST
SAT. SEPT. 10
#1 Southern Cal: IDLE (next vs. Arkansas)
#4 OHIO STATE over #2 Texas (PK): No question…game of da’ week, possibly game of da’ season! Buckeyes’ D dominated a solid Miami-Ohio offense, but the offense for State also bogged down frequently in the red zone. Meanwhile, ‘Horns trashed UL-Lafayette, but Texas also made the Cajuns look like Virginia Tech on special teams, giving up two blocked extra points. Too early in the season for Steers to get this game… Ohio State 24 Texas 20
#20 Notre Dame over #3 MICHIGAN taking 7: Dog has won ATS 15 of the previous 19 and 8 of last 9. Wolverines had 11 more minutes time-of-possession and got 5 turnovers vs. NIU, yet did not cover. Charlie Weis has possibly awoken the X’s and echoes and would become Da’ Man in South Bend with a win here. Ummmm…no…but we like the points….Michigan 17 ND 14
#15 ARIZONA STATE over #5 Louisiana State taking 7: Crushing Temple at home isn’t much of a gauge for the Sun Devils, but it appears they’ve lost nothing at QB with Sam Keller rather than Andrew Walters. No telling what the psyche is of the Bengals following devastation of New Orleans and now the game has been moved to Tempe…LSU 31 ASU 29
#6 Tennessee: IDLE (next @ Florida)
#7 Virginia Tech over DUKE giving 20: Hokies get the nod here only because Duke got yet another offensive coordinator…Richard O’Brien…who’s numbers as RB coach at Maryland are not inspiring (though he had a few less starters each of his two years). Vick won’t stay outta’ trouble all season, but he’s good here…VT 33 Devils 10
#8 Iowa over IOWA STATE giving 8 ½: Hawkeyes pummeled Ball State, who was short 6 or 7 starters, who rode the pine for illegally getting textbooks???? (Athletes and academics…what a concept!), though Iowa likely would’ve scored one less TD vs. those starters! Cyclones obviously were looking ahead to this during mere 14-point win over I-AA Illinois State…Iowa 24 ISU 13
South Carolina over #9 GEORGIA taking 17: Putting some major faith in the Ol’ Ball Coach to minimize damage to his undermanned team. Only one of the last four games between these two clubs has been decided by more than 6 points. Let the thrown-visor count begin….Joja’ 21 Gamecocks 10
#10 FLORIDA (GASP!) over Louisiana Tech giving 29: OK, Wyoming is much-improved and expected to contend for a conference crown. Coach Meyer won’t tolerate mistakes made by Gators’ offense last week. Expect a better effort vs. the Bulldogs…Florida 45 LT 3
Citadel @ #11 FLORIDA STATE: No line.
#12 Louisville: IDLE (next vs. Oregon State) Cards were +3 in turnovers and up by 21 at the half, only to win by a single TD???!!! Yeah, Rich Brooks’ job is on the line, but suddenly the Wildcats develop an offense????!!! And a defense that limits the #12 team in the country to a second-half FG???!!! Can you say…."fix!"????!!!!
Akron over #13 PURDUE taking 34 ½: This line reflects an awful lotta’ confidence in the Boilers, who by the estimation of some forecasters, could win the Big Ten based on number of returning starters and a schedule that sees no Buckeyes and no Wolverines. Purdue has covered 10 of last 14 home openers, but only 3 of last 5 and Boilers squeaked by the 18-point line vs. Akron in 2001, winning by 19…Purdue 37 Akron 13
#14 Miami: IDLE (next @ Clemson) Ahhhh, Miami….how does Vindy hate thee? Let Weber count da’ ways: 2 dropped passes, 1 dropped INT, 2 missed field goals, another late FG botched on a bad snap and 9 sacks-against!!!!!
#16 California over WASHINGTON giving 9: Bears lost their starting quarterback to a broken leg vs. Sacramento State. Huskies squandered an 11-point 4th quarter lead to Air Force. Cal needs to not cough up the pigskin four times this Saturday. Looks like another a long year at UDUB…Cal 27 Washington 14
#17 GEORGIA TECH over North Carolina giving 12: If Reggie Ball maintains consistency and Bees don’t go into usual bi-polar mode, Tech gets revenge for 2004 loss at Chapel Hill…Buzzz 27 ‘Heels 10
Tulsa over #18 OKLAHOMA taking 31: Vindicator changed his initial pick here. Hurricane catches Okies at a bad time off upset by TCU. Sooners’ offense looked seriously confused vs. the Horny Toads and they won’t face the same defensive schemes or same quality athletes here. Tulsa’s run D isn’t that good, but if Oklahoma’s QB can’t make it happen, Hurricane can stack the box vs. Peterson…Not OK 41 Tulsa 14
Army over #19 BOSTON COLLEGE taking 27 ½: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. ESPN has agreed to televise every Army home game to fans and our military servicemen and servicewomen worldwide. By the end of the season, it will be the only network with airborne-Ranger-scuba-qualified sportscasters and cameramen. If the Black Knights lose, ESPN personnel also get to do push-ups on Sunday morning until the cadre gets tired!…BC 28 Army 9
Florida International @ #21 TEXAS TECH: No line.
#22 Texas Christian over SMU giving 16: Intra-Texas battle and possible letdown spot for Terrible Toads. Ponies validated one of Vindy’s Week 1 "best bets" by tanking a two-point conversion with 19 seconds left, allowing Baylor (-4) to win by 5. Bucking the potential…Froggies 44 SMU 10
#23 Virginia: IDLE (next @ Syracuse)
Weber State @ #24 FRESNO STATE: No line.
MARYLAND over #25 Clemson giving 1: Bowden should lose sleep at night over a team that needed 6 (count ‘em…6!) field goals and a punt return for TD to win last week. Terps had to rally with two 4th quarter TDs to beat Navy…Maryland 24 Clemson 20
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
ABC musta’ had a redshirt freshman working the graphics of the Ohio State/Miami-Ohio game ‘cause it was the second half before down-and-distance was displayed with the omni-present scoreboard on the screen!
Buckeyes kicker Jonathan Skeete was arrested for trafficking marijuana in May. Coaches got suspicious when Skeete split the uprights from 50 yards during practice…with a kilo bag!
Randy Moss admitted to ongoing marijuana use "every blue moon". Is that what we’re calling bye weeks now?!!!! BTW, the "over/under" on the height of Randy’s afro following his first TD of the year is 9 ½ inches!
Terrell Owens isn’t concerned about what people think of him because "people hated on Jesus too." Jesus didn’t show up late for training camp over a contract dispute or refuse autograph sessions. Yeah, Philly fans would’ve booed the Son of God too, but Jesus would’ve just turned the other shoulder pad.
Vikes running back Onterrio Smith never had a chance. Sure…he would’ve beaten the drug test, but the shrinkage of the fake testicles on his Original Whizzinator would’ve quickly tipped off officials to the steroid use!
It’s "NFL Players Week" on Wheel of Fortune and Kurt Warner keeps asking for X’s and buying O’s.
In April, Pete Rose, Jr. joined the Long Island Ducks and was subsequently banned from baseball for betting on his own team. Yep, Junior correctly had the "over" on number of ethnic epithets hurled by then-Ducks’ teammate John Rocker!
"Locked in a Box?": Vindy opens at 0-1 following Clemson’s late rally over A&M.
"Wish I Had That One Back": Weber knew he shoulda’ taken Western Michigan over Virginia!
Shoppe Talk: Florida slithers into the taxidermy shop and provides Weber with yet another gator-skin belt, hat, boots, seat covers and car bra as Weber’s record now stands at 1-9-1 in last 11 tries! (2-14-2 over the last season plus). A pox on all their playbooks!
VINDY’S WEEK 2 BEST BETS: Last Week: 2-1 Season: 2-1
UCLA –24 over Rice, SYRACUSE –24 over Buffalo, NAVY +2 ½ over Stanford, UL-Monroe +18 over WYOMING
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