FROZEN TUNDRA FALLS TO ALIENS AFTER PRESIDENTIAL SLIGHT
GREEN BAY, Wisconsin (ITAR-Tass)…Enthralled by post-game coverage of the Packers’ exciting 42-34 Thursday night victory over the New Orleans Saints to kick-off the 2011 NFL season, citizens of Title Town, USA never saw it coming. Aliens attacked and annexed Lambeau Field, as well as the surrounding city without so much as a hint they were approaching. That’s because Barrack Obama refused to break into local coverage to announce the imminent threat, as he had done throughout the rest of the nation. Answering questions from the media about his inaction here, President Obama said the people of Green Bay had “declared their priorities loud-and-clear” when Milwaukee TV station WTMJ “bumped” the President’s speech on unemployment to another station in favor of the pre-game gala and that he “wasn’t about to trample on their civil rights” by interrupting the broadcast with breaking news of the invasion. Asked if, in retrospect, he regretted his decision, the Commander-in-Chief replied, “Hey, I’m a Bears fan. I’m crushed…NOT!”
Our shaky seer was a ½-point Friday night forecast-win from an early 0-7 hole, but late afternoon and evening games were kind enough to result in a 7-9-1 finish for Week Two (15-19-1, .441 season), despite a Big Tent-Peg conference that went rogue on one of its own faithful alum with an 0-4 “performance”.
Following back-to-back sub-par weeks, Vindicator has been informed he will be forced to “join ‘Peggy’ in ‘retraining program’” if he doesn’t do something good with…
THE WEBER KID’S 2011 WEEK 3 FORECAST(Now available on the Inter-Galactic Sports Network)
THURS. SEPT. 15
#25 MISSISSIPPI STATE over #3 Louisiana State taking 3 ½: Bulldogs were out-gained, out-first-downed and out-done in time-of-possession in tough-but-entertaining loss at Auburn. Tigers got past the sloppy Ducks in a game that was closer than the final score suggested and went 4-4 ATS in the SEC in 2010, bringing the five-year total to 12-24-5. LSU won 29-7 last year and State’s last outright victory in this series was 1999. Bulldogs went 1-4 ATS against the Top 25 last year, getting its only SU win in those games at Florida. Tigers have won 6 of last 8 vs. ranked foes, but the young defense tackles another high-powered offense. Both teams have been well-over the totals.... Bengals 34 Bulldogs 31
FRI. SEPT. 16
#4 Boise State over TOLEDO giving 18 ½: Rockets may have left it all on the gridiron after almost doing the unthinkable by nearly dropping Ohio State. But unlike the Buckeyes, Broncos will play with all their folks, probably including three from Amsterdam who sat out last week (and given that their respective prep schools were in the near-proximity of legal marijuana and red light districts, they mighta’ been more at home at UNLV…just sayin’.) and more-established offense. Boise has not covered last 4 games spotting their opponents less than three touchdowns on weekdays (we thank Marc Lawrence’s Playbook. Com for that convoluted trend) and did allow Joja’ scoring passes of 36- and 51-yards. Toledo did have a pair of receivers each over 100 receiving yards each in the OSU game. Boise has been nice 12-4 road fave the last three seasons and won 57-14 in 2010 match-up. Visiting the home of da’ Mudhens this week….Charlie Sheen and his “Violent Toledo of Truth” tour…BSU 44 Rockets 20
SAT. SEPT. 17
#1 Oklahoma over #5 FLORIDA STATE giving 3 ½: Pressure’s on the Sooners to defend the #1 ranking and we saw what happened to the TCU Frogs at the hands of vengeful Baylor in Week One, but the Toads nearly pulled it out anyway. Sooners got the bye and the extra week to prepare, and while they still really haven’t played anybody, ‘Noles got to stay in tune by pounding Charlatan Southern. No confidence in this call and we’d prefer “under” whatever total gets posted…OK 24 FSU 17
#2 ALABAMA over North Texas giving 46: Tide 54 Lean Green 0
#6 Stanford over ARIZONA giving 10: Cardinal 31 AZ 17
NORTHERN ILLINOIS over #7 Wisconsin taking 16 ½: Wisky 29 Huskies 16
#8 Oklahoma State over TULSA giving 14: OKSU 38 Hurricane 20
#9 TEXAS A&M over Idaho giving 36 ½: Aggies are rested for this one, but historically A&M is dismal 1-5 SU/0-5-1 ATS off a bye. Nonetheless, Tater Town is 6-13 ATS in last 19 lined games, 2-8 ATS back to last season, rolled over completely as 6-point chalk in opening home-loss to Bowling Green (supporting one of our best bet selections!) and trailed FCS squad North Dakota 14-3 early and 14-10 at halftime. Lots of seniors for Idaho, but just four returning starters on offense. We’ll stick with reliable home fave and Vindy’s BCS Title game contestant choice A&M, led by Ryan Tannehill…Aggies 54 Garlic Mashed 10
Washington over #10 NEBRASKA taking 17 ½: Big Dread 28 Sled Dogs 13
Navy over #11 SOUTH CAROLINA taking 18 ½: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Gamecocks struggled early with East Carolina and then rallied to scrape past Georgia. Quarterback issues are apparent on offense and nobody on the young Carolina D-line has seen the Middies’ version of the option. Navy excels sailing in hostile waters, enjoying current 16-5 run as road dogs. Sailors get a bye after this before hosting Air Force, so they can let it rip. If it wasn’t for the presence of KFC running back Marcus Lattimore, we’d be hanging “upset pick of da’ week” on this…Poultry 28 Navy 23
Missouri State @ #12 OREGON: No line.
#13 VIRGINIA TECH over Arkansas State giving 24: Hokies 44 ASU 13
#14 ARKANSAS over Troy giving 24 ½: Hogs 45 Trojans 17
#15 Michigan State over NOTRE DAME taking 5: Two late-game collapses have put the Irish in a bad way. The Golden Domers have been September bet-against material since the start of the 2006 season and continue to be with 0-2 spread tally already this season. Spartans won 34-31 in 2010. Four of the last six in this match-up were decided by 3, the other two were double-digit victories by State. Sparty has been a bad road dog, but Leprechauns have been horrible home chalk at 9-21-2. ND is another squad with uncertainties under center…MSU 24 ND 20
Tennessee over #16 FLORIDA taking 9: Gators have beaten UT six straight years, the last four by double-digits, going just 3-2-1 ATS in the process. Florida eventually smothered (and covered) the Blazers in 39-0 rout and in a humanitarian move, went scoreless after three quarters. Of concern however, might be the tiny detail that four of UF’s first five tallies were field goals or safeties. Rocky Top seemingly has a new attitude and looked good in opening victories over I-AA Montana and a feisty Cincinnati team. Florida won 31-17 last year, but is just 5-10-2 against the number in conference play. Vols sport a 7-3 spread record as away dogs and 24-14-3 ATS in the SEC. Apparently, that nagging voice Vindy heard imploring him in Week Two to take UAB and the generous handicap turned out to just be a defective See ‘N Say in his childhood toy chest (“The dragon says ‘moooooo’! [Hey…we told ya it was defective!]) …Crocs 29 Vols 24
#17 Ohio State over MIAMI taking 3: We were hopin’ this one woulda’ stayed off the board, but so be it! Buckeyes, last week, displayed the blundering offensive effort we expected to see vs. Akron, posting a goose-egg in 4th Quarter and hanging on at Toledo. Both sides are still without some peeps and ‘Canes paid the price, losing opener to Maryland. State won 36-24 last season and Miami wants payback, but the Pelicans are 6-14 layin’ points in Coral Gables, 1-5 in last six vs. ranked opponents, under new management (We still love ya, Al Golden!) and will play inconsistent QB Jacory Harris, who’s as apt to throw a pick as he is a touchdown pass. Luke Fickell, at least, has played a couple games, while Harris has been limited to practice only. Defensive edge goes to the Big Ten squad as well, and we think Buckeyes find a way to win it. Miami booster Nevin Shapiro enticed players with motorcycles and leather jackets. The athletes, many of whom watched re-runs of Happy Days as kids, apparently thought their benevolent-but-bogus benefactor said “Fonzie scheme” and figured it was all good. Reached for comment later, Henry Winkler flashed a thumbs-up and quipped, “Miami???? Heeeyyyyyy!!!!!”… Ohio State 20 Miami 16
MARYLAND over #18 West Virginia giving 2: Box Turtles 24 Mountaineers 19
Stephen F. Austin @ #19 BAYLOR: No line.
Florida A&M @ #20 SOUTH FLORIDA: No line.
#21 Auburn over CLEMSON taking 3 ½: Like the trees at Toomer’s Corner, Auburn is resilient, coming out on the right side of a couple of nail-biters. Like Auburn, Clemson is breaking-in a lot of new faces on defense. It is experienced on offense…except at quarterback. Auburn took this one 27-24 last year, one of four defeats for Clemson by 6 points or less. Clemson hasn’t been tested yet and was unimpressive in last week’s 35-29 win over I-AA Wofford. BTW, the War Eagle that did a major face-plant on the pane-glass of a luxury box at Jordan-Hare Stadium last week has been offered a rockin’ endorsement deal from Windex!...Auburn 31 Clemson 27
#22 Arizona State over ILLINOIS giving 1 ½: Is the ASU logo change reminiscent for anybody else out there, as it is for Vindicator, of Aquaman’s or Neptune’s trident???!!!”Fear the Fork (Respect da’ Tail?!!!)”!....ASU 23 Illini 14
#23 TEXAS CHRISTIAN over Louisiana-Monroe giving 27 ½: Toads 34 ULM 3
#24 Texas over UCLA giving 3 ½: Not a bad choice for lock. Maybe we spoke too soon about Garrett Gilbert’s improved competency at QB for the ‘Horns. He bought himself a trip to the pine this week with 2-fer-8 for 8 yards and two picks vs. BYU. Bruins lost shootout to Houston and we think they were maybe looking past San Josie with ugly 10-point decision in anticipation of this one…or were they? Steers in revenge mode after last year’s 34-12 Bruins win sent the Austin Angus into a major tailspin. UCLA was a good bet vs. non-conference coming into 2011, but has dropped both to the line in two tries to-date…Texas 24 UCLA 13
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, Obama also went on to praise the efforts of resistance forces across the country that successfully repelled the extraterrestrial hoards, including folks in his hometown of Chicago, who made their final stand at O’Hare International Airport and gave new meaning to the phrase “Monsters of the Midway”!
In related news, the Chicago Bears announced a last-minute cancellation of Family Night in late August after the grounds-crew forgot to water Soldier Field and heat forced postponement of that day’s practice. Great. Da’ Bears were 0-1 at home before the season even started!
Last week, we noted some surprising final scores from FBS-FCS tussles. This week’s entries in the “Whachu’ talkin’ ‘bout, Willis???!!!”category include: the aforementioned Clemson 35 (#9) Wofford 27, Weeziana Tech 48 (#20) Central Arkansas 42(OT), Pitt 35 (unranked) Maine 29, Syracuse 21 (unranked ) Rhode Island 14, Eastern Michigan 14 (unranked) Alabama State 7….and just a week after nearly toppling USC, the Gilded Gerbils of Minnesota fall outright, 28-21, to New Mexico State, who had a total of five SU wins over the previous two years!
East Baton Rouge PD seized 49 (count ‘em, 49!) pairs of shoes during a search of Jordan Jefferson’s pad. Leads us to conclude one of three things…1) JJ lives with a woman 2) the Bengals QB secretly wants to be a woman or 3) he actually wants to play for Oregon and has compiled the requisite amount of footwear to go with each of the Ducks’ possible uniform combinations!
Cam Newton coulda’ made millions being drafted by…and playing for…the Denver Broncos or Buffalo Bills this past April, but his father had already offered-up the former Auburn Tiger’s services to the Carolina Panthers in exchange for three separate payments totaling $180,000! (The elder Newton was subsequently offered the role of Dr. Evil in an upcoming remake of Austin Powers in Goldmember!
After five attempts, Doug Flutie’s daughter finally got herself a roster spot as a New England Patriots cheerleader. Judges were left with no choice but to grant her the job after she launched her pom-poms 65-yards downfield to a waiting Gerard Phelan in the end zone with no time left in her audition, giving her the upset over another girl, who was heavily-favored to win the position!
Vindy caught the following headline in a May edition of the Las Vegas Review-Journal: “MLB Probes Treatment Given to Yankees’ Colon”. Huh??!! Did unsavory things happen during the Bronx Bombers’ team visit to the proctologist???!!
Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco didn’t make the contract-cut following a five-day March tryout with Kansas City of the MLS. Still, we can’t wait to see him bicycle-kick his first pass-reception through the uprights!
Steve Spurrier came out this week in support of research by a college athlete advocacy group showing your run-of-the-mill I-A gridiron player is worth about $121,000. Yet another Kelly Blue Book special-edition shows a Mercedes S-class or Bentley with very little mileage will fetch ya Charlie Batch…or Ryan Leaf and a nifty full-size skull tat on the butt-cheek of your choice!
Shoppe Talk: Joining the Buckeyes (0-2), Oklahoma State gets to ride the Shoppe range following back-to-back forecast losses to start the season. In addition, we invite the ECU Pirates and Bulls of South Florida, both 0-2.
Vindy’s Week 3 Best Bets: Last Week: 4-0 Season: 8-1 (.889)
Nevada-Reno -5 ½ over SAN JOSE STATE, CINCINNATI -31 over Akron, Washington State +7 over SAN DIEGO STATE, Utah +6 ½ over BYU, BOWLING GREEN -8 ½ over Wyoming
And now back to our favorite stoner fantasy-flick-with-religious-overtones….”The Chronic of Narnia”! (Yeah, YEAH! Save the hate-mail for someone who cares!)
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