POLITICAL
PLOY BOLSTERS COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM
PISCATAWAY,
New Jersey (UPI)…Last January, Garden State governor
Chris Christie canned Deputy Chief of Staff Bridget Anne Kelly for her role in
the deliberate, politically-motivated closing of traffic lanes into the George
Washington Bridge. Kelly was immediately picked up by the Scarlet Knights, who
were 8th in the conference in scoring defense and 4th-
worst nationally in passing defense last season, as defensive coordinator. Said
one of Rutgers’ staffers, “Anybody that can create that kinda’ stoppage at-will
like that (four straight days) can certainly improve our D!”
BETWEEN
THE HASHMARKS
BTW, there’s no truth to the rumor that Christie had
anything to do with the delayed-drafting of a certain former Cardinal QB…an
incident the media dubbed “Teddy Bridgewater-Gate”
Highlander meets the LA KISS Arena Football League reality show in…”4th
and Connor McLeod”!
Following last Thursday’s
loss by the San Diego Chargers to the Denver Broncos, Hannibal Lecter was
quoted as saying, “I ate Philip Rivers with some fava beans and a fine Chianti!”
Rocky Horror Picture Show meets da’ Cleveland
Browns/Texas A&M Aggies…“In just…seven….days, I can…make you…a Manziel!” and “It’s
just a jump off-side to the left…and a
step to da’ riiiiiii-iiiight…Put yer handoffs
on yer hips…now, yer doin’ it riii-iiight….”
In related news, the starting A&M quarterback
meets Bride of Chucky…”Kenny Jennifer
Tilly”?!
We implore the NCAA or the Big Tent-Peg Conference
to provide some answers regarding the crews “officiating” the Lions previous
two games. State was incorrectly ruled “offside” after recovering an onside
kick that would’ve provided at least an opportunity
to go for a potential winning score on their final drive in the loss at
Michigan, meanwhile the idiots in stripes granted the Buckeyes an interception
on PSU’s first drive, on a ball that upon review clearly hit the ground, which
led to an OSU touchdown, and later let the Buckeyes get away with a FG that was
kicked after the play-clock expired,
putting the visitors up 10-0 early. We
tuned away from that game when OSU went up 17-0 before the half and the Lions’
offense looking like D-O…D-O (thus missing the Lions attempted comeback that
fell short in double-OT!). After the Ohio State debauchery, pictures showed up
on Facebook, and probably the rest of the ‘Net, featuring referees being led
around by seeing-eye dogs. We think the service-animals coulda’ called a better
game!
Elsewhere, the hometown Rebels finally lost a
fumble, the last team in Division I-A this year to do so, in a covering loss at
Utah State.
At the betting counter, our straight wagers on
Maryland +11 over WISCONSIN and South Florida +10 over CINCINNATI failed to
materialize. We did however cash a parlay featuring Weeziana Tech -10 over
SOUTHERN MISS and Reno -3 over HAWAII (hats off to Da’ Pack for the rally and
cover!). BTW, we’re takin’ a page from the Michigan playbook vs. the Spartans
and plantin’ a pre-bet wooden stake in da’ sportsbook! If it blows up in our
face, we’ll simply claim we saw a vampire!
Money down already on Colorado State -7 over SAN JOSE STATE, UTEP -6 ½ over
Southern Miss, Illinois +28 ½ over OHIO STATE, North Carolina +17 over MIAMI
and Utah State -3 over HAWAII. Also getting a look...Navy +14 over Notre Dame
(@ Baltimore, MD), Air Force -3 ½ over ARMY, South Alabama +6 over UL-LAFAYETTE and Arizona +6 ½ over UCLA.
Recent incidents at soccer venues in Europe have
brought to light the potential dangers of having drones in sports stadiums. Our
solution? Station air-defense artillery units in the end zones or other
strategic positions! Oregon fans may however take offense to nickname of the
Army branch-in-question…”Duck Hunters”. Might give second-thoughts to Green Bay
Packers players contemplating that whole “Lambeau Leap” thing! BTW, fer the
drone- operators out there, if “Weapons Free” flashes across the Jumbo-Tron, it
means…”If it flies, it dies!”
Fightin’ Irish true-frosh wide-out Justin Brent is
apparently involved with 40-sumthin’-yer-old Lisa Ann, who has been in many an
adult- film (…or so we’ve heard!). Is
he gonna’ “Win one fer da’ stripper?!”.
Are Irish thighs smilin’?! How often do ya see a Leprechaun
with a Cougar?! Is she helping him learn
the triple-X’s and O’s?! Is he memorizin’ the foreplay-book?!
Lane Kiffin’s mommie expressed concern for her son’s
well-being as he returned to Knoxville this past weekend. Kiffin led Tennessee to an 8-4 SU record (5-3
SEC) in his lone 2009 stint, which saw significant victories over only Joja’
and South Carolina (who went 7-6, losing by 13 in the post-season to UConn) just
to lose the bowl game that year by 23 to VirginiaTech. But Kiffin’s successors
suffered three straight 5-win campaigns after his departure. Guess that
explains why the Tide OC was wearin’ an old-school hockey mask and clutchin’ a
machete on the sidelines during ‘Bama’s win over the Vols on Saturday!
Earlier this month, Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin
prohibited his players from exchanging unis with members of other teams. We’d
ask Mike to make an exception this week after seeing the Steelers in those
goofy black-and-tan (?) striped outfits, which always makes us immediately
think of an old SNL skit featuring the cast sitting around in bee-like costumes
(complete with antennae) and talking about “buzzing off”!
NBA regular season competition is now underway and
reminds us that in March, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un mandated every man in
the country to get the same haircut as their supreme leader…a change from the
previous ten options. An anonymous
official however said the Dennis Rodman turtle-shell ‘do was under
consideration as an acceptable alternative!
Nobody touches Vindy’s Dodge Dart…nor his Dart Vader
costume!
And finally this week…we’ll never purchase anything
from eBay ever again. Instead of
getting an eerie game-device that would reportedly put us in ”contact” with the
“spirit-world” so we could get a little sports-betting guidance, we ended up
having our Underoos forcibly-yanked
up the crack of our butt and over our ears! Seems the seller-in-question sent
us a… “wedgie”-board!