ORIGIN OF NJ DRONE-SWARM IDENTIFIED
MANHATTAN, Kansas (ITAR-Tass)...The FAA, in conjunction with the FBI and NORAD, has tracked the recent spate of drone-sightings over the Garden State back to local Kansas State University, which has allegedly employed the devices to gather intelligence about its upcoming bowl-foe Rutgers and flew the aerial-craft above various locations of New Jersey, including Piscataway off Exit 9B on the Jersey Turnpike, amidst a unit of ones designed as a diversionary tactic, over Asbury Park, Atlantic City, Point Pleasant and Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford ...home of the 2-12 NY Giants. (Editor’s note...nuthin’ to see here, move along!) and the Pine Barrens. New Jersey governor, Phil Murphy, has authorized activation of the local National Guard, which has mobilized multiple air-defense artillery methods, such as sling-shots, blow-guns, Nerf missiles, multiple launch rocket systems and composite bows-and-arrows to protect SHI Stadium, with orders indicating “Weapons free ... if it flies, it dies!”
Exhausted after spending several days and nights stockin’ holiday shelves at Bed, Gatorade Bath & Beyond between picks, we hoist-up...
THE WEBER KID’S 2024-25 BOWL “BETWEEN DA’ HASHMARKS” PART I
(Still bringin’-in more money than the recent cinematic-premiere of the SONY/Marvel movie “Kraven Da’ Hunter!” [Though not as much as “Moana 2”])
FRI. DEC. 20
College Football Playoffs First Round Presented by Allstate (@ South Bend, IN)
#10 Indiana @ #7 NOTRE DAME: “Hooshers” make the expanded playoff format under new HC Curt Cignetti following a 3-9 campaign in ‘23, but haven’t won a post-season outing in last five tries since 2017. Indy is 2-2 outright on neutral ground (though 3-1 ATS, losing by 1 and 6) and are now 3-10 vs. ranked teams the past three-plus seasons after getting smacked late last month in Columbus (the only Top 25 team it faced in 2024). Irish won 3 of last 5 bowls (covering 4) and blasted Army. Leprechauns are 13-5 against the line facing ranked teams, but only once by more than a full TD with XP. Our Lady took 5 of 6 straight-up in South Bend this year by a minimum of 7 points, giving up no more than 24 to any opponent in the process. September misstep by Notre Dame vs. Northern Illinois provides some film fer Indiana and neither side is unfamiliar with cold-weather conditions, but otherwise this looks like an easy double-digit victory for...ND 31 “Who’s Yer Relatives?” 17
SAT. DEC. 21
College Football Playoffs First Round Presented by Allstate (@ State College, PA)
#11 Southern Methodist @ #6 PENN STATE: Beaver Stadium will be in “white-out” mode for the second time on the season (BTW, the first 5000 Lions fans through the turnstiles will receive complimentary bottles of the famous brand of correction-fluid!). Nits apparently got jobbed by the zebras “officiating” the contest vs. Oregon, with some of that crew being sent to the pine for a long-term suspension in the wake of involvement in a large-scale bribery scandal. State OC Andy Kotelnicki could easily have bolted for head-coaching spots but has elected to remain in Happy Valley. Ponies, off tough 34-31 ACC title match loss vs. Clemson (only their second defeat on the year (18-15 vs. BYU in early September being the other and 1-5 SU in last six getting points on the road) and are currently are reportedly gettin’ ready for that environment by blaring “Mo Bamba” throughout practices. Could actually be “La Bamba” or “Mombo #5” for all we care. Style-points don’t matter here. Reprising a famous quote by former Raiders owner Al Davis, we simply implore da’ Alma Mater to “Just win, Baby” (even if it’s merely via a well-timed “Glute Smoosh”) and move on to the Broncos. Expecting the Nits’ defense to do its thing in a lower-than-anticipated tilt...Lions 23 “Inn of the Prancing Pony” (Lord of the Rings aficionados will know that reference) 17
College Football Playoffs First Round Presented by Allstate (@ Austin, TX)
#12 Clemson @ #5 TEXAS: Oh no! The dreaded 5-12 match-up (fans of the NCAA college basketball tournament know what that means!). Refs in the SEC title contest have been sent to an extended time-out for ignoring multiple fouls by Joja’ against the Steers (meaning the Longhorns, who lost by a three-pointer in extra-innings, could likely have taken that game and earned the bye instead). UGA accounted for UT’s only two straight-up blemishes on its record. Texas went 4-0 SU/ATS in non-conference play, by an average of 47.5-22, including 19-point margin over then-ranked Michigan in Ann Arbor. Meanwhile, Tigers got blown-out by aforementioned Georgia, and fell by a dozen vs. Louisville and by 3n to the Gamecocks, but edged fellow-CFP contestant Shuttered Mastodon to close out the year. Prior to that game, CU spent a four-game FBS run caressing the scoreboard for 18 ppg on offense while allowing 21 ppg. Last two tilts vs. the Top 25 were decided by a total of 6 points. Bevo is DD-chalk here, but we think the Cats will keep it a low-scoring game and stay within grenade-range...Burnt Orange 27 Clemson 20
College Football Playoffs First Round Presented by Allstate (@ Columbus, OH)
#9 Tennessee @ #8 OHIO STATE: Night contest at Da’ Shoe in near freezing temps. Volunteers will sport ‘Coon Caps and an all-white uniform ensemble, honoring the 172nd Arctic Soldiers in Ft. Wainwright, Alaska. After reelin’ off 18 consecutive dubyas (including mere 4-pointer over the Huskers, who went 6-6 on the year) in Columbus, Buckeyes HC Ryan Day might as well have been Susan Dey of Partridge Family-fame in his club’s 13-10 defeat to Michigan in the finale. Vols have been victorious in 3 of 5 away from Knoxville (falling by 5 to da’ Pork Chops and by 14 “between da’ hedges”) and won 3 of 4 versus ranked foes. They’ve also been triumphant in two of last three bowls (losing in OT by a FG in ‘21 to Purdue). State has dropped three of last four post-season efforts. Both sides excel on scoring defense. Surely, there will be a first-round upset (I’m serious ...and don’t call me Shirley)... Rocky Top 24 OSU 23
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, Santa has been advised to steer clear of the area! In real life, yer haggard-host actually spent his spent Army Basic Training at Ft. Bliss, Texas....home of the Air Defense Artillery (AKA “Duck-Hunters” and use to run cadence to the lyrics “Fire-mission! Fire-mission comin’ down! Eighty-eight Mike-Linebacker on da’ ground!”).
UNLV's “Go-Go Offense” looked more like the “Go-Go-Dancer Offense” in the Mountie Jest Conference game (which BTW, was sponsored by “Old Crapper”...er...um...”Trapper”) demise at Boise State, complete with scantily-clad women sporting 60’s hair-dos, hot-pants, boots, and dancing atop benches and Gatorade buckets with groovy tunes playin’ over da’ PA-system! Having said that, we congratulate da’ hometown heroes on a great year and a decisive bowl win vs. Cal!
The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl (@ Boise, ID) will be immediately followed by the Ore-Ida Golden Tater Tots Bowl and da’ Hungry Jack Hash Browns Bowl!
Back in July, an “expert” ranked Austin as #6 on the “Top Ten Least Passionate Fan Bases in College Football”, noting “Their fans are good when the team is excellent, but they don’t have much passion when things aren’t going well.”
Tennessee’s unis make us flashback to the Rebel forces on the ice-planet of Hoth in “The Empire Strikes Back”. In fact, injured players, instead of going into the blue medical tent, will unceremoniously get stuffed into the stomach of a Ton-Ton!
Last summer, Jason and Travis Kelce partnered with General Mills to produce and market “Kelce Mix” breakfast cereal, a combo of their three fave brands...Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Lucky Charms and Reese’s Puffs. Vindy, in conjunction with Kellogg’s and Post, plans to release his own daily morning staple based on a blend of Special Teams K, Hard-Count Chocula and Honey Bunch-Formations of Oats!
During the offseason, the Buffalo Bills inked former “zebra” John Parry to assist coach Sean McDermott decide on whether or not to throw the challenge-flag. Likewise for similar reasons, Vindy hired acclaimed former sports-wager ticket-writer/bookie from Morrocco, Africa, Ezquiel “Izzy” Bhedda Dendahnuhmba, to help him with his picks!
If hockey players drink coffee from the NHL’s most prized-possession, is it Lord Stanley’s Cup O’ Joe?!!!
If a vintage star pitcher for the Oakland A’s meets a musical segment from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”, do we hear...”I’ll have a Vida Blue Christmas...without you”???!!!
