We dipped into the archives once again to reprint this one from Week 13 of 2009...
NFL ANTI-NAVAL
NEW YORK, New York (UPI)...After banning the Captain Morgan pose recently, it turns out the National Football League is not anti-alcohol but anti-maritime. The discovery of a secret rule book at NFL headquarters has led to revelations about the league’s disdain for all references to seafaring things. Forbidden in any stadium or promotion of any team are allusions to Sinbad or Popeye, the showing of film clips of Johnny Depp in his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean series, Cap’n Crunch on the teams’ training tables and the playing of such songs as “In the Navy” by the Village People, “Admiral Halsey” by the Beatles, “Brick House” by the Commodores or “Muskrat Love” by the Captain & Tennille. The tome even outlaws so much as whistling the Old Spice theme tune. In addition, there was evidence of plans to covertly pressure the Raiders, Buccaneers, Vikings and Dolphins into changing their objectionable club monikers. One anonymous official said, “if current members of the ‘Nautical Fuhgeddaboudit Legion’ oversaw the Massachusetts Port Authority at the time, the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria woulda’ never landed on American shores!”
Our Championship Week picks were good...until they weren’t! We were at a decent 2-1 going into the two night games but couldn’t land either one, putting us at 2-3 (35-41-1, .460) on the fortnight.
Hopin’ not to get broadsided this week by...
THE WEBER KID’S 2025 ARMY-NAVY FORECAST
(Straight outta’ concertina-wire!)
SAT. DEC. 13
Army vs. #22 Navy (@ Baltimore, MD) (“under 38”): Middies were in the race for a playoff berth, caught in the beaver dam atop the American, but got bumped due to tie-breakers. In our best Eric Cartman voice, we say, “Oh no! They killed Navy! Those bastards!” Army, after winning the conference last season, scratched and clawed this year just to get bowl-eligible at 6-6, edging Texas-The Alamo on the road last week to secure a post-season spot. As always, two of the best three ground games square-off here. Rushing defense comparison is a wash. Army has no passing game (dead last in Division I-A at a “why bother?” 78.3 ypg, while the Ensigns have a spectre of an air plan, a few notches higher at 136 ypg. Keydets are the least penalized team in the country with just 31 all season, which should reduce clock stoppages. On the other hand, Navy has more than twice that many (71). We anticipate very few FG tries, but if the final result comes down to a boot, advantage USN (9 of 10, 90%) vs. an adventure-like 7 of 12 (70.6%) for the Long Gray Line. Lack of returning experience on offense for the Soldiers shows. Army averaged 31 ppg in ‘24 but has posted that many or more just twice in ‘25 with a mean of 23 ppg. Despite the Salty Dogs allotting a fair number of opponent scores each year and only one match this season “under” this number, until a 31-13 victory by Navy last year, the prior nine in the rivalry ended below this total...Nautilus 20 Infantry14
BETWEEN DA’ HASHMARKS
BTW, draft-eligible players from the Navy Midshipmen, Vandy Commodores and Tulane Green Wave are planning to boycott the NFL Combine this Spring!
We learned recently that well-known mild-mannered artist Bob Ross did a 20-year stint in the Air Force. Most of that time was spent as a “military training instructor” AKA drill sergeant. We’re picturing the former flyboy yelling, “Drop and paint me twenty happy little trees, you maggots!”
Or maybe the former master sergeant appearing in Forrest Gump...”GUMMMP! What’s your sole purpose in this Army?!” “To paint whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeannnt!”
If West Point meets AC/DC, do we hear “Back in Black Knights”??!!
The lettering on Army’s unis for this one is reminiscent of the logo for a Jethro Tull album. Wonderin’ if the Keydets band will play Aqualung at halftime or taunt the Sailors with it after bad plays.
BTW, the Marines don’t field a football team because players keep eating the crayons coaches try to use to draw up the X’s and O’s.
All at 2-11, will Sunday League co-cellar dwellers LV Raiders, NY Giants and Tennessee Titans, in hopes of grabbing a new QB with the top pick of the 2026 Draft, adopt one of the following mantras...”Genuflect for Beck”, “Cave for Cade”, “Die for Ty” or “Burn for Fern”?! How ‘bout “Whore for Moore”??!!
Fun Fact of Da’ Week: November 28 was the first weekend all three service academies won their respective games since November 30 of last season.
Black Shirt: This week’s heroic halter goes to Joja’ WR Cole Speer for the early punt block that set the tone for the Bulldogs’ (-2 ½) easy cover over ‘Bama.
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Last Week: 0-1 Season: 6-9 (.400). The Hoosiers and Buckeyes suddenly decided to leave their offenses at the hotel bar in Indianapolis and sent our “over 48” prediction for the game down in flames!
Shoppe Talk: The line of teams waiting to get stuffed is now out the door and around the block as Texas Tech (1-4, .200), BYU (1-3, .250) and Virginia (1-3, .250) all got engraved invitations this week!
Vindy’s Week 14 Best Bets: Last Week: 1-3 (.250) Season: 26-34 (.433)
Nothing of interest amongst the first week of bowl games, so we’ll be back before Memphis kickoffs against NC State in da’ Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl on December 19. Stay tuned.
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