FORECASTER JOINS STAMP CRAZE
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (REUTERS)…Yes, it’s official. The Vegas Vindicator has gone “postal”...in a “good” way! After months of research and development, following the June-release of scratch-and-sniff stamps by the USPS of “Frozen Treats” that produced scents related to flavored-popsicles of various flavors, the famed prognosticator reached a deal with Post Office officials this week to market his own version of legal shipping-cost labels. The (Vindy) has created the “Olfactory of Fall” series that release aromas such as Gatorade, leather footballs, fresh-cut grass, newly-laundered jerseys, pre-and-post-game locker-rooms and game-worn athletic-supporters! All of these can be purchased, individually or in booklets, at the going-rate for Forever Stamps. Autographed First-Day covers can be acquired for an additional fee.
We kicked off the season with a correct “under” call on UCF-UConn and were a decent 2-2 after Friday’s tilts were decided, but the ensuing 3-8 carnage on Saturday left our perturbed-prognosticator crooning carpal-tunnel karaoke at 5-10, while the outright-fall of favored Miami and Florida State, to end-up 5-12 (.291) triggering PTSD associated with our 5-14 start to the 2017 journey! Unfazed by the poor effort and taunting the bookies, Vindy proclaims, "Lick this!” ahead of publishing...
THE WEBER KID'S 2018 WEEK 2 FORECAST
(Getting' flagged on defense fer leadin’ with da’ Hellmann’s mayo!)
FRI. SEPT. 7
SMU (+21 ½) over #16 Texas Christian: Toads have been crapshoots layin’ lumber away and host da’ Buckeyes next. Ponies, who covered 8 of last 9 non-conference contests until getting' whackin’ 46-23 at North Texas last week, picked-up where they left-off, permitting 36.7 ppg on D. Froggies just 2-5-1 ATS vs. non-Big 12 foes last pair of campaigns. “Express” goes to Ann Arbor next, but should be more-focused than Kermits here...TCU 42 SMU 31
SAT. SEPT. 8
Arkansas State (+37 ½) over #1 ALABAMA: Tide 49 State 17
TEXAS A&M (+11 ½) over #2 Clemson: Tigers have been Vindy’s Kryptonite (see our “Shoppe Talk” segment. On paper, CU looks like the team-to-beat, but have gone mediocre 9-9 against da’ line layin’ points away last trio of seasons. Clemson’s won 6 of past 8 on da’ scoreboard outright facing SEC squads. Jimbo Fisher assumes the helm in his first-year at A&M, with a stcked cupboard, but Aggies money-igniting 1-3-1 ATS in point-getting-role in College Station. A&M covered 8 of aq dozen in 2017 on hels of heels combined 12-24 the previous three outings. Clemson’s won da’ $$$$ 12 times in last 17 tries outside the ACC and return 8 starters from D that shutdown opponents-scoring to da’ sound of south-of-two-TDs-per game! A&M now on 12-4 outright win-streak over non-SEC-combatants!...Clemson 24 Aggies 17
#3 Georgia over #24 SOUTH CAROLINA (“under 53”):‘Dawgs have controlled his series, going 3-0 SU (all three by double-digits) and covering 2 of them. Both clubs flaunt third-year coaches. Gamecocks faced just two Top 25 opponents in 17, losing both, covering one. SC got Phil Steele’s #12 surprise-team label and have lotsa’ upperclassmen on da’ roster. Joja’s won ATS in 9 of past 11 road-chalk tries...’Dawg-Pound 28 Pugilistic Poultry 19
#4 OHIO STATE (-35) over Rutgers: Buckeyes 51 Carpet Knights 13
New Mexico (+34 ½) over #5 WISCONSIN: Are ya kiddin’ us?! Western KY Hilltoppers did not punt while bangin’ da’ board fer...three (count ‘em, three) points in loss to Wisconsin last week??!! Stinkin’ Badges (-37) went-dormant intentionally just seconds into the last stanza, protecting starters fer this one??!! We call “horse-hockey”! Lobotomies, who had just three outright-wins (includin’ one over I-AA Abbey Road Christian) in 2017, waxed FCS Carnation-Milk Word. Trap-game! Varmints host feisty BYU Cougars next...Wisky 40 Wolfies 12
#6 OKLAHOMA (-30) over Ucla: Sooners 47 Ruins 10
Alabama State @ #7 AUBURN: No line.
Ball State (+34) over #8 NOTRE DAME: Irish 41 Cardinals 20
North Dakota @ #9 WASHINGTON: No line.
##10 STANFORD (-5) over 17 Southern Cal: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. We heavily-considered SU as “lock” last week and we regret not making it so. The local hometown-heroes ran-up rushing yards vs. passing yards at a 3-1 ratio in cover at SoCal. Meanwhile, the Trojans have spent all week watching film of how the Aztecs limited Trees RB Bryce Love to 29 yards on 18 totes! Fully-aware of Miami’s succumbing to LSU, Palo Alto will be on high-alert...Cardinal 31 USC 20
Southeast Louisiana @ #11 LSU: No line.
William & Mary @ #12 VIRGINIA TECH: No line.
#13 Penn State @ PITT (“under 57): Lions 26 Panthers 24
Youngstown State @ #14 WEST VIRGINIA: No line.
ARIZONA STATE (+6 ½) over #15 Michigan State: UPSET ALERT. Pitchforks fall into Marc Lawrence’s Playbook.Com mag tip that recommends backing an undefeated home-dog (Sun Devils won SU over Texas-San Antoinette) that was a bowler the previous season against an undefeated opponent (Sparty slipped by Utah State) coughing up more than 14 ppg. (Vaunted MSU D gave up 31 to the Aggies). Spartans had salt-away the scoreboard-victory with a TD in final two minutes. Aforementioned publication also notes MSU covering just 1 of last 8 non-Big Tenderloin contests as chalk-of-17 or less and burned cash as road-fave the past three seasons...Spartans 33 Fear Da’ Tail 30
#18 Mississippi State (-9) over KANSAS STATE: Nothin’ but respect for venerable KSU coach bill Snyder, but we’re that-close to buyin’ a National Championship futures-bet ticket on MSU, led by former Alma Mater OC Joe Moorehead, at circa 80-1!...Bulldogs 33 ‘Cats 20
South Carolina State @ #19 CENTRAL FLORIDA: No line.
#20 BOISE STATE (-32 ½) over Connecticut: Best guess fer “wish we had it back” given State’s 3-14-1 ATS record as blue-turf fave and with trip to Stillwater up next, but Boise needs to keep pedal-to-medal all-season to grab Group-of-Five spot in NY6 Bowls!...Boise State 49 Sled Dogs 13
Western Michigan (+28) over #21 MICHIGAN: Wolverines 38 Broncos 24
Savannah State @ #22 MIAMI: No line.
Portland State @ #23 OREGON: No line.
Kentucky (+14) over #25 FLORIDA: Crocs won all of four games outright in 2017, and while look seriously-better on paper, the blow-out over I-AA Charleston Sudden does not compel us to lay this many over Wildcats squad that while didn’t cover minus-17 ½, did top feisty Chippewas team by more than two-touchdowns. In July, ex-Gator and multiple NFL teams’ QB Tim Tebow (and MLB wanna-be) confirmed he had a relationship with Miss Universe. He emphasized the past-tense because he immediately threw a quick-out route and broke-up with Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters upon learning she was Miss Universe rather than Miss Uniform! In related news, someone explain to us how “Peter! Peter! Peter!” means “stay da’ hell away from da’ punt!!!”...Florida 30 KY23
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, Vindy is currently trying to acquire the recipe for Willy Wonka’s Everlasting-Gobstopper recipe to create stamps for which the scent-in-question never dissipates, regardless of the number of times the stamps are scratched!
Hooray (Again) fer da’ Little Guy: In our opening-edition, we suggested Kennesaw State, NC A&T, Nicholls State, Northern Arizona and UC-Davis were the ranked/vote-getting I-AA teams with the best-shot to topple their I-A opponents Nicholls upended Kansas 26-23 in extras, NAU dropped UTEP 30-10, and UC-Davis took out San Josie State 44-38. A&T’s game at East Carolina was initially cancelled due to Mother Nature Saturday, but the Aggies bested ECU 28-23 on Sunday. Kennesaw just missed, losing 24-20 at Joja’ State. Other notable FCS results...then-#19 Villanova beat Temple 19-17 and unranked South Dakota played valiantly in 27-24 loss at K-State! Howard (yes, that Howard) hung-tough in 38-32 defeat at Ohio and could very-well get past Kent State this week on heels of Flashes’ (+17) 31-24 hard-fought loss at Illinois.
Spiderman meets college football...."With great Power Five comes great responsibility."
In January, Aaron Rodgers was known to be dating Danica Patrick..."Who's yer 'Go Daddy"??!!! Following Rodgers lucrative signing-deal with da’ Cheese-Heads this month, Patrick had “something special” waiting for him. We’re guessing she did more than let Rodgers “look under da’ hood”!
Following their rescue from flooded caves in July, members of a Thai soccer team copped to “craving pork and AFC”. Why they were jonesin’ for news about the American Football Conference is anybody’s guess and...oh wait …"K”FC!...Our bad!
According to Philly long-snapper Rick Lovato, the Iggles carried-out a bogus walkthrough at U.S. Bank Stadium ahead of last season’s Super Bowl victory in the event Da’ Patriots were doing some covert-recon. Yer humble-narrator did likewise with his preseason forecasting team in the middle of an open sportsbook, in hopes of duping the bookies. Sadly, that didn’t work-out as well as it did for the reigning Super Bowl champs!
With Colin Kaepernick’s recent NIKE ad igniting (yes, pun fully-intended!) public pyromaniacal-responses toward said-footgear, some folks have purchased lotsa’ stock in ‘da shoes. Vindicator, on the other-hand, is buyin’-up shares of household matches, candles, Sterno, BIC-lighters, tinderboxes and other incendiary-devices!
The Oakland Raiders inked quarterback AJ Mc Carron this month, prompting officials at the local aviation transportation-hub to change monikers from McCarran Airport to...AJ McCarron Airport!
If a classic scene from Enter the Dragon meets sports, would we hear Bruce Lee quip...”Scoreboards don’t hit back.”
In wake of a doping scandal, a group of Olympic contestants, last February, competed under the flag of OAR...Other Athletes from Russia. Likewise, players took to the hardwood as OAR...Other Athletes from...Raleigh? Ruston? Richmond?
Our suggestion for a new medal sport in time for the 2020 Winter Games...rhythmic curling (curdling?!)
“Wish We Had It Back”: Yep, we tagged the Alma Mater –23 ½ over Application State, ruing the departure of Saquon Barkley and the look-ahead spot to Pitt.
"Locked in a Box": Last Week: 0-1 (.000) as the Pelicans (-3 ½) never got outta’ da’ locker-room in Arlington vs. Weeziana State.
Black Shirt: The inaugural 2018 ebony tee fer best performance or “performance” goes to Big Blew QC Shea Patterson fer fumbling with :46 left to seal Notre Dame’s outright victory! Honorable mention Oregon safety Ugochukwu (Hmmmm...do coaches and teammates call him Huey, Hugo or Chuck?!) Amadi for a 38-yard INT return for TD that helped send the final score “over 74 ½”.
Shoppe Talk: We open Ye Olde Taxidermy Shoppe this year by plastering the walls with the Mounted-Ears of West Virginia (0-1, .000 and 2-7, .222 in past 9 at-bats!)
Vindy's Week 2 Best Bets: Last Week: 2-1-1 (.667)
Alabama-Birmingham –9 ½ over COASTAL CAROLINA, Buffalo +4 ½ over TEMPLE, Baylor –15 over TEXAS-SAN ANTONIO, BOWLING GREEN +15 over Maryland, Miami-Ohio-Cincinnati “under 50 ½”
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