OHIO STATE DEBUTS MASSIVE AUSSIE PUNTER
In the wake of last year’s truncated “effort” that left us a burning hulk late in the campaign, we rise up from the ashes like a Phoenix, following an offseason driving the “Wienermobile” full-time for Oscar Meyer, completing a multi-week side-gig as a guest-judge on America’s Got Talent: Fantasy Football League, contributing culinary creations to the Chuck E. Cheese recipe book, modeling Trump’s high-top gold sneakers, product-testing Peeps scented body-spray just ahead of Easter, a brief outing on “Deal or No Deal Island” and lugging the Olympic torch, dressed in a Ralph Lauren crystal-emblazoned leotard, from the entrance of a local casino to the sportsbook before handing it off to a ticket-writer. Holding a fistful of “Chuck-Stop coupons”, we break da’ huddle with our rag-tag preseason forecasting strategy team of...Charissa Thompson, Lloyd Austin (editor’s note: for those who don’t already know, we actually served with the now Secretary of Defense during our time at Ft. Drum, NY circa ‘90-’91), Kristin Juszczyk, Ippei Mizuhara, Tiny Troy, Duncan the GEICO goalie-walrus, Punxsutawney Phyllis, Caitlin Clark, Hank the Buffalo Wild Wings bison, Reggie Bush’s Heisman Trophy statue, beekeeper Matt Hilton, Stormy Daniels, Harrison Butker, royal portrait artist Jonathan Yeo, golfer Scottie Scheffler, “Hawk Tuah Girl”, Dodgers’ bat boy Javier Herrera, alleged hot-dog eating contest cheater Nick Wehry, HR Derby anthem “singer” Ingrid Andress, former Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheadle, Olympic mascot Phryge, “Bob the Cap Catcher”, Turkish Olympic air-pistol-shooting silver medalist Dikec Yusuf, “Pommel Horse Guy” and our own emotional support koala bear beatin’ da’ drum for...
THE WEBER KID’S 2024 WEEK 1 FORECAST
(As scrawled in Chef-Boy-R-Dee tomato sauce ahead of our eventual victory over competitive-eating legends in this Sunday’s event, dubbed as “Chestnut vs. Kobayashi vs. Vindicator: Unfinished Beefaroni”! [Being broadcast only on the Net-Flea-Flickers channel!])
SAT. AUG. 31
#1 Georgia (-13 ½) over #14 CLEMSON: Last meeting was ‘21 10-3 UGA triumph on a neutral site. ‘Dawgs have topped 33 of last 44 opponents by at least 14 (75% [and 26 of last 37 Power 5 foes]). Having said that, Joja’ has won 7 of last 8 overall contests on the scoreboard but just 5-3 ATS and posted a worrisome 3-11-1 against the line in most recent 15 non-SEC tilts. Fun Fact of Da’ Week: Joja’ P Brett Thorson and his coverage team did not allow a single punt-return throughout the entire ‘23 season! First time in four years that has been accomplished in I-A ball! Meanwhile, at Phil Steele’s #2 “surprise team”, Clemson HC Dabo Sweeney made the choice to “stand pat” and not delve into da’ portal, opting instead to put his faith into his own onsite cage-free raised folks. We respect Coach’s confidence in his recruiting skills and yet wonder if his bravado will pan out. Joja’ coach Kirby Smart has been around da’ recruiting blocking-sled a time or two himself. As the result of his team’s 38-35 Gator Bowl victory over Kentucky, Sweeney claimed stock in his club was “probably a little more expensive if you didn’t buy it then” referring to his assertion in the wake of CU beating the Irish in November that if his team was a stock, “You better buy all you can freakin’ buy right now!” Marc Lawrence notes the ‘Cats have failed to win the spread-money just twice in their past 15 contests getting more than 4 points, but we’ll see what “CLMX” looks like on the NYSE on Monday...Georgia 34 Clemson 16
#7 Notre Dame @ #20 TEXAS A&M (“under 46”): Best guess fer “wish we had it back”. Our initial choice was “over”, but changed it after diggin’ a little deeper (consider yerselves duly-advised). The money trend seems to favor the game going below as well. Spread-wise, it’s basically a “pick ‘em”, but both sides are loaded on the stop-squads. Marcus Freeman is in his third-year at the Irish helm and ironically, the offense will be directly by QB Riley Leonard, who led Duke to a victory over the Leprechauns in 2023. ND has a very-young offense but a boatload of Seniors on defense and has gone 21-7-1 ATS vs. Power Five opposition (22-7 outright). Aggies are Phil Steele’s #12 “surprise team” and have won 17 of last 22 in College Station, including 10 of 13 non-conference tilts overall at home. A&M returns 9 starters on D and under the guidance of 1st-year HC Mike Elko. Host has finished 19 games below 49 the last the three years, Our Lady has ended up beneath that total 16 times. If it comes down to a late kick, ND hit 15 of 22 last year (68.2%) while A&M went 26 of 35 (74.3%). In June, former Frightenin’ Irish standout Manti Te’o was gettin’ a serious look for a possible gig on noteworthy NFL broadcasting program, “Good Morning Football”. Negotiations are still underway with his imaginary girlfriend from his days at South Bend to join him in the studio! Relying on the adage that “defenses are ahead of offenses this time of year”...”Punt Like a Champion Today” 21 TAMU 19
#8 Penn State (-8 ½) over WEST VIRGINIA: “Under 51 ½” wouldn’t be a bad call either. (BTW, the Mounties did not make the cut for preseason Top 25, but did come in at #33 with 17 tallies in the AP Poll). Nits will step into a “Stripe-Out” surrounding (more on this next week), but should play the stadium like a piano-keyboard. ‘Eers lost 38-15 last year at Beaver Stadium. The available information does not really support a two-TD improvement by the Mounties, even in Morgantown. We often get hosed when we go against State. Lions have bested 10 of last dozen non-conference opponents outright, covered 6 of last 8 outside the Big Ten and won ATS in 9 of last 10 layin’ points on the road. QB Drew Allar wants his team to be “the best offense in the country”. Breakin’ outta’ the 20’s here again would be a good start. “WE ARE” did us no favors in 2023, going just 1-3 in 4 appearances in the forecast (see below), but we’ll call it...PSU 30 “Jest ‘By God’ Virginia” 16
FLORIDA (+2 ½) over #19 Miami: Florida’s Billy Napier is in his 3rd year as HC and has his highest number of returning starters, including a lotta’ upperclassmen on both sides of the line, contributing to Phil Steele’s selection of UF among his “most improved teams”. Crocs are 9-5 SU vs. non-SEC opponents, though 2-9 outright against the Top 25 under Napier (winning just once in six tries last year in that category). Hurricanes’ HC Mario Cristobal is also in his 3rd year and has seen steady improvement on D while the offense put up 8 more ppg last year than the previous season, seeing Miami go from 1-10 to 6-6 in ‘23. Steele also has UM finishing the season in the Top Ten, but we’ll back the team with home-field advantage and a quarterback already-knowledgeable of the offense vs. one learning a new system out of what is now the PAC-2 and a history of putting the ball on the ground for the minor upset. Miami TE Cam McCormick was given a 9th (count ‘em, nine!) year of eligibility in Coral Gables. He was also awarded the title of Professor Emeritus of Football Studies at Da’ U.!...Reptiles 27 Pelicans 21
SUN. SEPT.1
#1 Louisiana State vs. #23 Southern Cal (@ Las Vegas, NV) (“under 64 ½”): LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Updating a Yahoo Sports article from August of last year, we note the Bayou Bengals, in their last 11 appearances in the AP Preseason Top 10 Poll have ended up in that year’s final poll anywhere between unranked 4-7 (including 5-5 in the year whose name must not be uttered [or even jokingly whispered] due to the onset of COVID) and hoisting the National Championship Trophy (2007 and 2019, with a runner-up finish in 2011 vs. ‘Bama). Tygahs came in at #12 for 2023 (10-3 SU). State will carry on in ‘24 without Heisman winner QB Jayden Daniels, now in the NFL. Trojans’ star man-behind-center Caleb Williams also got scooped up by the Sabbath League with the first pick of da’ Draft. Can’t figure either club gettin’ much going on offense this early. SoCal might have a slight crowd-advantage given L.A.’s proximity to Sin City. USC HC Lincoln Riley reportedly attempted for a biennium to renege on the Trojans’ commitment to play this game. Maybe a little bulletin-board material fer State to prove him right fer doin’ so?! Troy Boys have bested only three Top 25 opponents on the scoreboard in their last 11 tries. Collective SU/ATS records on neutral ground do not inspire us to choose a side, so...Tigers 27 Sudden Cal 23
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, McLarty said he “can’t wait to show the American ‘Sheilas’ my ‘bloomin’ onion’”!!!! (And there’s no truth to the rumor he’ll be backed-up by fellow-countryperson breakdancer Rachel Gunn!)
As we note this time each year, from 1993-2008, at least two teams unranked in the AP preseason poll finished in the Top 10 in the final AP poll that same season. Since 2009, at least one club did so except 2011 and the year whose name will not ever be even whispered ever again in which the pandemic started. 2012 saw a return-to-form, logging two or more qualifiers. In 2021, the Wolverines began at #32, obtaining 12 votes, but finished at #3 behind the two title contestants, ‘Joja’ and ‘Bama. Oklahoma State just missed starting the outing in the Top 25, coming in at #26 (107 votes). Meanwhile Baylor was nowhere on the radar. Da’ Bears ended up in the six-hole and State concluded the year one notch lower at #7 (“but wait! There’s more! [see below]). In ‘22, five (count ‘em, five!) clubs starting outside the rankings finished in the Terrific Ten...#2 TCU (no preseason ayes), #6 Tennessee (180 votes), the #7 Nifty Lions (160 votes) #8 Washington (zero preseason tallies) and #9 Tulane (also devoid of August poll endorsements). Last season, the Mizzou Tigers opened with no recognition whatsoever, but ended up at #8, Honorable mention to Arizona, also gettin’ no preseason love, but just missing the target, finishing in the #11 spot.
And upon further review...goin’ back to 2002, a minimum of one team in the AP Preseason Top Ten each season concluded the campaign outside da’ rankings in the final AP Poll fer that year. Last year, Sudden Cal started out at #6, but finished at #30 with 35 votes. Yer mission...should ya’ choose to accept it, is to figure-out who da’ 2024 posers are among Georgia, Ohio State, Oregon, Texas, Alabama, Mississippi, Notre Dame, Penn State, Michigan and Florida State (already 0-1 after being upset in Dublin during Week 0 by unranked Joja’ Tech!).
Back in December, we caught an article about former UNLV head coach Marcus Arroyo being hired as Arizona State’s offensive coordinator. The article read, “Arroyo replaces Beau Baldwin, who was not retained last week.” That part of the statement is PC for “was kicked to da’ curb”.
Back in January, quarterback Colin Hurley (no relationship to Austin Powers hottie Elizabeth Hurley), signed on at Weeziana State at the tender age of 16. Sixteen?! Does this kid even shave? We hope the youngster’s Mummie and Daddie remembered to pack the youngster’s Tonka truck, bag of plastic Army Men, Chutes & Ladders board game and Ninjago Legos set for his trip to Baton Rouge!
The whole football venue naming rights thing is out-of-hand! The Big 12 revealed a potential deal in June with Allstate Insurance. Possible group monikers bandied about at the time included the “Big Allstate Conference” or the “Allstate 12 Conference”. Our suggestion was (and still is) the “Allstate ‘Mayhem...Like Me’ Conference!” Is it long before we see the Swiffer/Samsung/Starbucks/Sudafed Eastern Conference? Capri-Sun Belt Conference? Maybelline/Mitsubishi Mattel/Marriott Hotels/Miller Beer West Conference??!! Honey Nut Cheerios/Campbell’s Courvoisier/Kellogg’s Corn Flakes Conference USA? Mary Kay/Magic Mike American Conference? More thoughts on this next week.
Also, last December, L.A. Dodgers relief-pitcher Joe Kelly’s wife Ashley made it known she was willing to part with her husband’s uni number (17) if it would entice free-agent Shohei Ohtani, who wore #17 during his stint with Angels, to join the team. She also said she would rename the couple’s baby from “Kai” to “Shokai” if that would tip the scales in the team’s favor. While there’s no truth to the rumor she offered to change hubby’s first name to Johtani, the Dodgers hurler could not be reached for comment!
In June, Snoop Dogg, who quickly became the face of the U.S. team in Paris (more on this in weeks to come), ran a mock-race of 200 meters at the U.S. Olympic Track & Field trials in Eugene, Oregon. The fitty-two-year-old rapper completed the trek in an impressive 34.44 seconds! Doin’ the math, that’s a 40-yard dash in under 7 ticks, which coulda’ landed him a practice-squad spot at WR or safety fer several NFL clubs. Even more impressive is that he never lost the doobie from his lips or spilled his bottle of Corona while doing so!
Don’t know who this Coach Ella person is or why bands gather in California’s Colorado Desert to play back-to-back three-day concerts in her honor every April. We don’t even know what sport she represents!
Late last year, da’ Nevada Gaming Commission declared performance-enhancing drug-testing for Esports competitors to be frivolous. Whew! Video-gamers breathed a collective sigh-of-relief because who woulda’ charged them with using illegal substances that significantly improved visual/audio-acuity responses or led to over-sized thumbs pressing buttons on controllers????!!!!
Hooray fer Da’ Little Guy: Our best guesses on the preseason Top 25 (or getting votes) FCS clubs that could take out their I-A opponents...#10 Sacramento State @ SAN JOSIE STATE, #18 Lafayette @ BUFFALO, #28 (50 votes) Eastern Illinois @ ILLINOIS and #30 (30 votes) Austin Peay @ LOUISVILLE. BTW, I-AA Montana State (#4 in the preseason FCS poll) was actually a DD-favorite at FBS New Mexico in Week 0. Lobos blew a 17-point lead after three quarters and lost 35-31 to the Bobcats! (Gonna’ be a long year in Las Cruces).
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Last Season: 5-8 (.384...uggghhh)
Ye Olde Taxidermy Shoppe Talk: We’ll be watchin’ these pick-burners from last year...Ole Miserable (0-4, .000), Texas (1-4, .200), Florida State and the Alma Mater (both at 1-3, .250). Don’t blink Joja’ (0-3, .000). Fer inquiring mimes that wanna’ know, our two Weber-Friendly squads in ‘23 were North Carolina and Meeshigan (each at 3-1, .750).
Vindy’s Week 1 Best Bets: Last Season: 20-34 (.370...yuck).
Florida International +21 ½ over INDIANA, Ohio @ SYRACUSE “over 47”, Miami-Ohio @ NORTHWESTERN “under 40”, HOUSTON –2 ½ over Nevada-Las Vegas (BONUS COVERAGE: We don’t traditionally provide commentary on our “best bets”, but liked this one enuff to do so here. The local Rebels’ fan-base is cryin’ “blasphemy”, but line looks a tad short. UNLV has much to be enthused about after last year’s Mounted Arrest title-game berth, but starting QB Jayden Maiava has left the building, handing down a leftover senior quarterback who hasn’t started since 2021 and a pair of FCS transfers, including Senior Matthew Sluka, who put up gaudy numbers at Holy Cross [7-4 and #24 in the final FCS poll last season] throwin’ and runnin’, but against Patriot League and other I-AA competition. The other guy comes over from ASUN Campbell. Coogs return only 5 on each side of the ball, but have an established man-behind-center, homefield advantage and a history of higher-quality opposition, having been in the AAC and Big 12. A trip to Norman, Oklahoma on-deck shouldn’t detract Houston’s attention sufficiently to not cover with at least a FG here). (FYI...we looked hard at taking Wyoming +6 ½ over ARIZONA STATE, but passed).
Next week...more off-season silliness and we welcome..the NFL!
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