PENTAGON: SWIFT “CONTINGENCY WAS IN PLACE”
WASHINGTON, D.C. (KCNA)…High-ranking military officials recently confirmed there was a now-declassified “Plan B”, if necessary, to get Taylor Swift on location ahead of kick-off of Super Bowl 58, featuring the Kansas City Chiefs (including Swift’s paramour Travis Kelce) and the San Franscisco 49ers. Knowing there would be a possibility that Taylor’s aircraft would not land at Harry Reid International Airport in Las Vegas and allow her to disembark, claim baggage and go by ground transport to arrive before game-time timely, the pop superstar received covert training by 101st Airborne Division personnel, who arrived by clandestine-insertion, in Tokyo, in-between her concert appearances in the event she needed to HALO (“High-Altitude Low-Opening") jump, sporting a full-pack, Kevlar helmet, battle-dress uniform and carrying a rifle (“just in case”) out of a perfectly-good airplane and guiding her chute to a safe landing at her VIP Suite at Allegiant Stadium!
Shedding some rust, dust and moss; we came outta’ da’ starting blocks strong, hitting four of our five Week 1 selections (4-1, .800), missing badly on our call of Florida outright over Da’ U!.
During next Tuesday’s debate, presidential candidates Kamala Harris and Donald Trump will have no live audience, no hot mics when not speaking and no possession of written notes. They will, however, be able to reference teleprompter versions of...
THE WEBER KID’S 2024 WEEK 2 FORECAST
(“Like a beer caught in da’ headlights!”)
SAT. SEPT. 7
#3 Texas (-7) over #10 MICHIGAN: ‘Horns lost last year’s starting running back and a competent depth rusher to injuries in the preseason. Across the field, Wolverines coaches are dealing with the previous sign-stealing scandal, at least on the periphery. Michigan didn’t put Fresno State away until mid-4th Quarter, courtesy of a pick-six in closer than it looks 30-10 snoozer. This is the second of five straight contests at the Big House. UT faces its only game away from Austin in its first five. UM has just 7 starters back, a new HC, new QB and five new guys on the O-Line, but lotsa’ upperclassmen on defense. Steers’ quarterbacks Quinn Ewers and Arch Manning spread the ball around, but Michigan’s pass-yardage D improved from 255 in ‘20 to just 107 pass yards per game last year and limited opponents’ scoring to paltry 10 ppg. Neither side’s offensive stats excite us. Texas has been a crapshoot laying points on the road the past three campaigns...Cattle 29 Big Blue 13
Boise State (+18 ½) over #7 OREGON: Ducks did not impress anybody with flatter-than-a–pancake-block 24-14 triumph over I-AA Idaho last week (granted, the former FBS Vandals were #7 in the preseason FCS poll and not wanting to give a quality upcoming foe much film to review, but...). Gang Green did its thing on defense, but the Drakes will need more on offense to hang with the Broncos, who struggled themselves in wild 56-45 sixty-minute flurry of blows despite BSU having 11 back from the ‘23 stop-squad! Marc Lawrence shows the Broncos beating the spread just once in last five in consecutive away tilts. Rival Beavers on-deck for the Mallards, who’ve covered 8 of past 11 giving points on Da’ Pond. Gotta’ take the generous points while both sides figure things out. Boise should improve on last season’s 26-ppg allowed. Ducks need a need new chalkboard on offense...Decoys 34 Boise 24
#14 Tennessee vs. #24 NC State (@ Charlotte, NC) (“over 61”): Regardless of a 38-21 victory over then-FCS #19 Western Carolina, Wolfpack, Phil Steele’s preseason #11 “surprise team”, bringing back 8 on offense but only five on D, have a lotta’ seniors on offense (not so many on defense) was trailing after three quarters vs. the Catamounts. Tennessee pitched a not-unexpected goose-egg over UT-Chattanooga Choo-Choo. Tennessee has covered 4 straight on neutral turf (winning 3 outright), but are ho-hum vs. the Top 25 and 2-4 ATS against ranked teams. The DBs are youngish and Marc Lawrence has the 111th returning-production on defense parked in Knoxville. ‘Pack has won 11 of last 15 non-ACC tilts. Rocky Top icon Peyton Manning was one of the first peeps to get his hands on a Tennessee version of WWE legacy title belts. The former Vols star QB was, of course, renowned for his on-field wrestling move known as the “Pylon Driver”, causing defenders to impale themselves on the cones marking the edges of the end zone, as well as his ability to leap off the turnbuckles to escape would-be tacklers! (BTW, Peyton spent many years perfecting his “suplex” on younger brother Eli!). Almost called State as our “upset of da’ week” ...Tennessee 34 NC State 31
Iowa State @ #21 IOWA (“under 36”): Hawkeyes banged the boards fer 40 (count ‘em, 40!) points against I-AA Illinois State (though led just 16-zip after 45 minutes of game-time), hitting that pinnacle just twice in the last three seasons. Must’ve somehow secretly trotted-out Alabama’s 3rd-and-4th-string offenses onto the field in their stead, registering nearly 500 yards of offense fer da’ first time in five seasons. Scoring averages the past three seasons have been 23, 18 and 15! Iowa has won and covered two of last three years vs. rival Cyclones and return 17 starters from ‘23. State garnered Marc Lawrence’s #1 team in returning production, with 19 starters back from last year. He also noted the Dust Devils have covered just one of previous ten facing a foe off a SU victory by double-digits. ISU, Phil Steele’s #14 “surprise team” and 4-2 road dog the past two seasons, gets a bye next, so should go all out here against aforementioned handicapper’s #7 “surprise team”. Expecting something closer to traditional baseline numbers, and anticipating the visitors to walk away with the annual “Cy-Hawk Trophy” in a mild “upset”, we’ll say...Iowa State 16 Black Birds 14
#23 Georgia Tech @ SYRACUSE (“under 61 ½”): LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Ramblin’ Wreck, which hadn't been ranked since 2015, was snubbed by the Coaches Poll (quoting South Park’s Eric Cartman...”Those bastards!”), leaving it hung out to dry in the #26 spot, behind #24 Louisville and #25 Washington (both of whom throttled I-AA opponents in their respective openers), but was appropriately granted Top 25 status by the AP Poll, having already pocketed a pair of victories against FBS foes (upsetting Florida State and besting Joja’ State). Bees have not logged a winning SU season since 2018, but under now 3rd-year HC Brent Keys, have made progress defensively (in spite of Marc Lawrence’s Returning Production Rating of 108th), yielding less than 17 ppg over its first pair of contests. ‘Cuse fields Ohio State transfer QB Kyle McCord, though has gone just 8-16 outright in ACC play (10-14 ATS). Traditionally run-heavy, GT has diversified to a more balanced attack thus far...Old Yellerjackets 27 Orange 23
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, no truth to the rumor that was also reportedly noted admonishing her trainers as “you need to calm down”! Nor that Vindy was piloting Swift’s specially chartered C-130 en route to the U.S., and damn-near tried to set the plane down in Lake Mead near Hoover Dam before correcting course to Harry Reid at the behest of air-traffic controllers in Sin City!
In March, UNLV HC Barry Odom raised some Sheckles for his football team by “riding” a live bull. Coach was unceremoniously dumped on his pass less than two seconds after clearing the chute. The bovine, named “Widow-maker” was, however, flagged for lining up in the neutral zone before the gate opened. Odom declined the penalty, dusted himself off and returned to the sideline under his own power!
The Oklahoma Sooners conducted events last week honoring the entrance to their new conference, including “a race to the SEC 5K run, pep rallies, live music and a drone show”. Not to be outdone, Vindy joyously-marked the occasion by consuming an entire Boomer Schooner full of beer (yes, the whole wagon’s worth!) before takin’ da’ reins and drivin’ the horse-drawn vehicle down the tunnel and into Norman-proper, where he was halted by a traffic cop a la “Frosty Da’ Snowman”!!!!
Ahead of its Week Zero contest, Delaware State (Vindy’s early-college stompin’ grounds) did not make it in time to catch its flight from JFK to Hawai’i due to a traffic snarl. With no other options available, the Hornets stayed on their Greyhound bus and traveled west on I-90 to Seattle, where they loaded up on outriggers near the coast of Puget Sound and set sail across the Pacific, reaching Honolulu just in time to suit up before kickoff! FWIW...da’ Bees lost just 35-14, covering a nearly-40-point spread!
It was announced that the Packers and Iggles could not wear green unis during their time for this week’s clash in Sao Paulo, Brazil due to affiliation with local gangs. Guess Tulane and North Texas ain’t playin’ there anytime soon either!
Under new NFL rules, both “gunners” of the kick-off team must stop and deposit ceremonial game-coins into baskets at toll-booths on the edges of the gridiron before any coverage-team player can advance toward tackling the opposing ball-carrier! Additionally, the player kicking the ball must audibly announce “One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi!” before turning up field on the play. More on this next week!
Reba McIntyre sang the National Anthem as planned ahead of Super Bowl Fitty-Eight in February, but the artist originally scheduled to perform “America Da’ Beautiful” fell ill on the morning of the contest, leaving Big Game officials scrambling to find a replacement. The mission was a success, however, as producers were able to secure some multi-genre guy named...Goal-Post Malone!
If Detroit had made it to da’ Fitty-Eighth Big Game, (or even not)...ex-PSU linebacker Terry Killens, who played on the Alma Mater’s undefeated 1994 squad, would be the crew’s umpire, as well as the first person to play-in and also officiate a Super Bowl. We woulda’ loved to have heard Detroit stop the clock at any point in time and Killens have accidentally announced, “Time-out, Nittany Lions.”
In February, Blue Jays hurler Tim Mayza, having finished in the basement of his fantasy football league, hadda’ serve as the Toronto ball-boy during the team’s Spring Training contest against da’ Phillies, while sporting a jersey emblazoned with “4-10” on the backside, reflecting his record in said-contest. We figure the reliever got off easy, because if we had our druthers, Mayza would alternate innings as the Phillies’ ball boy, “beer man” concessionaire, helping the grounds-crew groom the infield and ultimately cleaning-up the stands after the game!
Snoop Dogg was a designated torch-bearer for one of the final legs leading up to the Paris Game in July. His trip took a bit a longer than expected as he stopped repeatedly to light joints, pipes and bongs, and signing commemorative paraphernalia among the spectators lined up along the route!
Renowned rapper Flavor Flav financially-backed the Olympic U.S. women’s water polo team...on the condition that the athletes took to the pool wearing sideways ballcaps, oversized white-rimmed sunglasses and huge clocks around their necks!
Banished from the traditional July 4th Nathan’s Hotdog Eating competition on Coney Island after signing with a rival frankfurter company, competitive eating sports champion Joey Chestnut, put his talents to work on Independence Day at Ft. Bliss (Vindy’s old Basic Training stompin’ grounds), head-to-head against local servicemen and servicewomen from the Army’s Air Defense Artillery School (“If it flies, it dies!”), donning full combat uniforms and having fitty-caliber tracer rounds fired (at a safe-height) over their heads while consuming the wieners! Extra points were awarded to participants who used nearby 88mm guns to down mock enemy drones and Chinese air balloons during the contest!
FYI....Vindy’s still wearin’ white after Labor Day! (But enuff about our undies!)
Hooray fer Da’ Little Guy: Best guesses for FCS clubs to knock-off their I-A foes this week...#8 Sacramento State over FRESNO STATE, Eastern Kentucky over WESTERN KENTUCKY, SE Weeziana over SUDDEN MIST and Merrimack over UCONN. None of the I-AA squads bested their higher-tier opponents last week, though several lead, were tied or were close behind into the 4th Quarter, including North Dakota State, which took Colorado to the final play of the game before falling by 5. We tip our helmet to unranked Abby Christian for pushing Texas Tech into extra innings before falling 52-51! Honorable mention to then-FCS #13 Central Arkansas for mere 34-31 defeat by Arkansas State (BTW, Stun Belt officials have since copped to a blown call that gave the Red Wolves the late winning score!).
Black Shirt: This season’s inaugural ebony gratuitous garment for the best effort or “effort” that benefitted last week’s picks goes to...Alma Mater OC Andy Kotelnicki (prolly the first time we’ve ever given the award to a coordinator!) fer remaining aggressive with the ball at PSU’s 27-yard line and 37 ticks remaining in the first half, up only 13-6, leading the Lions to score a touchdown for a 20-6 edge, and some breathing room vs. the Mountaineers, at the intermission rather than having his offense just take a knee knowing the Nits would receive the second-half kickoff!
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Last Week: 1-0 Season: 1-0 (1.000). The predicted “under 64 ½” for the LSU-USC tilt right here in Sin City came through easily as the total barely finished at 47!
Vindy’s Week 2 Best Bets: Last Week: 2-2 Season: 2-2 (.500)
Washington State +1 over TEXAS TECH, Liberty –22 ½ over NEW MEXICO STATE, South Carolina @ KENTUCKY “under 45 ½”, Mississippi State +6 ½ over ARIZONA STATE
Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to grab a burger and fries at our local Jack-In-The-Tackle-Box!
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