INAUGURAL MIDDLE EASTERN FEMALE HOCKEY CLUB DROPS PUCK
ALEXANDRIA, Egypt (KCNA)- In April, Egypt unveiled its first women’s hockey team. With sarcophagi adorning their home uniforms, the Lady Setis, whose club mascot is an asp, will also wear away jerseys featuring images of Nefertiti. Alternate and ”throwback” garb will prominently display a sphinx. Fans will launch Cleopatra Crowns onto the ice if a hat-trick occurs. At the beginning of a contest, players take their places on the friendly-confines of the Nile Basin Arena as the Bangles “Walk Like an Egyptian” blares on the PA system. Steve Martin’s “King Tut” plays between stoppages, including “Isising the puck” and “The Mummy’s Hand-Pass", and between the periods on the Jumbo-Tron, while the coach draws up plays on papyrus during time-outs or other breaks in the action. Players committing minor violations, including “too many mummies on the ice”, spend two minutes in the penalty tomb. Meanwhile, we hear announcers say “This first Lady Setis’ power-play is brought to you by “Ford”...Ramses-Tough’”!
We made very minimal progress, going 2-3 (18-21-1, 461) last Saturday, but did hit our “lock of da’ week”.
Lookin’ to score some prediction wins via da’ “keister cram” on 4th-and-short just behind...
THE WEBER KID’S 2024 WEEK 9 FORECAST
(Colder than a well-digger's pass!)
FRI. OCT. 25
UNLV (+3 ½) over #17 Boise State: MINOR UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK and slight lean toward the “over 64” despite Scarlet & Gray D yielding 22.6 ppg and Broncos giving up 26.2 ppg. Vegas has conceded average of 34.3 ppg over past three to-date. Rematch of last year’s Mounting Unrest Conference championship contest and potential preview for likewise this season. Runnin’ Rebs have the revenge factor after gettin’ slammed 44-20 in the aforementioned title game. Unranked Rebels drew 5 AP Poll tallies earlier this week third behind Wazzou and Syracuse after a 33-25 road victory (and cover) at Corvallis! UNLV is now qualified for the post-season in consecutive campaigns fer da’ time in school existence. BSU boasts Heisman candidate RB Ashton Jeanty atop the conference with 1248 yards (nearly 10 yards per tote!). Nearest competitor is more than 600 yards further away. Vegas leads the conference in rushing D. Broncos QB Maddux Madsen is #8 in the MWC in pass yardage (12-2 TD-INT ratio). Sin City’s Hajj Malik Williams is a couple notches lower, but showing 10-2 and is a dual-threat. Hometown heroes have the revenge factor after being dominated 44-20 by the Broncos in aforementioned title game. Warhorses have taken four of five victories by at least three TDs. If yer scoring at home, we’ve cashed all three of our Friday-nighters thus far!...UNLV 37 Boise 34 (maybe in 2OT)
SAT. OCT. 26
#3 Penn State @ WISCONSIN (“under 48”): Lions hosed us in their most recent forecast appearance, edging USC in OT after being made 5-point chalk. Badgers are on nice 3-0SU/ATS streak in conference play. Lions have yet to win the money this year in three B10 tilts. UW shows 4-2 “over” but giving up just 5 ppg during last three. Alma Mater’s permitting just 14.5 ppg even factoring-in 30 to USC. State is 25th-nationally in run yardage per game and should keep the match moving along. TE Tyler Warren, essentially State’s savior versus USC, has been added to the Biletnikoff Award list of candidates this week. During the bye, James Franklin elected to take-in some prep HS action. Standing on the sideline, Coach made a nifty two-handed grab of a ball being thrown away by Central York QB Brooklyn Nace. Franklin subsequently jumped into the front-row of da’ stands, Lambeau Leap style, then thought better of spiking the pigskin at the feet of a nearby official, sparing him the yellow hankie fer “taunting”
...PSU 23 Cheeseheads 17
#8 Louisiana State @ #14 TEXAS A&M (“under 54 ½”): LOCK OF DA” WEEK. Our sincere appreciation to LSU fer squeakin’ by Ole Mizzenmast in extra frames two Saturdays ago. State hasn’t gone down in six consecutive contests since beginning-defeat vs. USC and have finished “under” the total in 5 of 6 (4 beneath this number). Aggies final scores have gone above this total only twice and grant opponents mere 17.7 ppg. Ironically, high-score by a foe came vs. Mississippi State (0-6 outright vs. I-A competition). ‘Cats condone just north of 15 ppg. TAMU HC Mike Elko endorses the “silence approach”, extolling the virtues of “quiet confidence” while shunning team attention and playing like nobody’s watching. He rarely spoke to reporters while leading the Blue Devils. More on this next week. Microphone-less Mike & Company 20 Tygahs 19
16 KANSAS STATE (-10 ½) over Kansas: These clubs meet for the 121st season in what’s currently known as the “Sunflower Showdown” (or almost as many times as Vindy has taken on the Las Vegas sportsbooks in the annual “Desert Tortoise Tussle”!). Blue Birds never really got untracked after embarrassing FCS Lindenwood in the opener, but have been competitive in five straight defeats (1-5 SU/ATS overall), then smothered 2-5 Houston last week. Jayhawks show 27.5 points-scored and an equivalent number of points-against, but have been whacked four of the last five in this rivalry. Azur Aviary has been beaten by DD just twice in most recent 10 games overall. Updating a stat from Marc Lawrence, da’ Wildcats have won ATS only once in last 14 off an SU/ATS victory as chalk of more than 4. Kansas’ season is basically done minus miraculous 4 wins in final 6 tilts (3 if they get the benefit of a 5-7 record and bowl berth fer good grades or good behavior or sumthin’ like that), so this is the one big contest left...K-State 34 Kansas 17
#Southern Methodist @ DUKE (“under 49”): Best guess fer “Wish We Had It Back”. Blue Devils actually earned a pair of votes in this week’s AP Poll. Duke is more experienced on defense than on its “O” (mixed number of various classmen). New HC Manny Diaz, formerly of Miami and Penn State tours, has done an exemplary job getting the Devils to a 6-1 tally on the campaign despite returning just 3 starters back on offense and 5 on the stop-squad, falling only to da’ Ramblin’ Wreck by 10 in Atlanta). But the victories and 2-4 ATS skid facing the Top 25 don’t dazzle us enuff to grab the 11 ½ points. Six of seven Duke games finished fewer than the total here. Ignoring the 45 points registered at Middle Tennessee, Devils are averaging 23 ppg. Likewise, SMU is lighting the bulbs for 32 ppg if discounting 66 at TCU as a one-off and surrendering south of 23 ppg-against (19 ppg omitting 42 to TCU). Praying to the God of Horse-Games, Poloponys, for...Sudden Meter-Maid U. 27 Wallace Wade Whackos 16
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, down one goal late in a game, will the Lady Setis yank the goalie to get an extra scarab on the ice! (And we just wanna’ know who’s been driving the Zamboni to manicure the frozen playing surface?!)
In the midst of ‘Bama’s defeat at Tennessee, Tide radio-broadcaster Chris Stewart blatantly called out the Vols fer allegedly piping crowd-noise into Neyland Stadium. Rocky Top has lost just one home match in 20 tries since defeat by Alabama back in 2021. Vindy wonders if the sportsbooks do likewise every time he approaches the betting counter to place a wager!!!!
Related to the end of Oregon-Ohio State game, we ask...does a court case get dismissed if the jury gets flagged for “12 Angry Men on da’ Field”???!!!!
In March, the NCAA Oversight Committee gave approval (but not a mandate) for teams to use coach-to-player helmet commo. With 15 seconds left on the play clock or when the ball snapped, radio silence will occur. Who else thinks any given Navy jet-pilot-to-be quarterback will say “Talk to me, Goose!” into his headgear???!!!
Colorado’s Coach Prime secured a commitment during the preseason from LB Johnny Chaney, Jr., formerly of Florida A&M. While there’s no known data that he was actually related to horror movie star Lon Chaney, Jr., fans and teammates were delighted to see “Jon, Jr.” take the practice field multiple times in full garb and make-up as the Mummy and the Wolf-Man!
Congrats to Kennesaw State fer grabbin’ its first dubya in I-A play, besting previously unscathed Liberty!
Continuing our commentary from last week about possible shenanigans by the Las Vegas Raiders on the first day of da’ 2024 NFL Draft...draft personnel onsite said the activities were simply a way of passing the time between picks. Staffers were reportedly rolling dice (D&D fans conspired that the two athletes were alternately permitted to a 20-sided die (with officials onsite at each player’s location to insure there was no “monkey-business going on) until someone failed a saving throw vs. Charisma!). A duo of team “assistants”, each “reppin” one of the two choices are accused of reading tea leaves, throwing darts, or playing “Rock, Paper, Scissors [Lizard, Spock” for Big Bang Theory fans!]. In fact, a vintage boxing ring and the accompanying plastic combatants for “Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots” were found in the nearby men’s room. Video captured a shilling, peso or Chuckie Cheese arcade token, believed to have been flipped, inside the operations area. An unnamed “equipment manager” reportedly put down two separately-marked bowls of kibble in front of a hungry puppy, letting the dog make the choice (the canine did not immediately return calls for comment!) No truth to the rumor the Vegas “war room” kept a Zoltar fortune-telling machine on retainer to read Tarot cards throughout their selections. But Vindy’s spies say in the aftermath of a disappointing 2-5 record to start the season, Zoltar was immediately sent to the waiver-wire! More thoughts on this next week!
Keepin’ up with the ever-evolving NFL kickoff rules, we note that during limited events in which the 12th player is permitted to be on the field, the holder must quickly jog off and go into concessionaire-mode, delivering at least six hot dogs and four beers before the coverage team can move!
Adding to our Week 8 commentary on Arena Football...the Outlaws had to navigate their way through, over and around a Hickory Farms stand, Sunglasses Hut and a non-descript vendor offering piercings and rubber-band propelled balsa wood airplanes! Officials determined down-and-distance using a Hotdog-on-a-Yardstick! With no official “locker room”, players at halftime swarmed the food-court, overwhelming workers at Panda Express, Sbarro and Orange Julius! Somewhere during the game, a punt landed outta’ bounds inside a nearby Victoria Secret, leading officials to spend an inordinate amount of time at the monitor “reviewing” the play to determine if a lingerie model had called for a “fair catch” and underwear to spot da’ ball!
In April, Hensely Meulens was on video lounging in a pilot’s seat in the cockpit of a chartered flight from Denver to Toronto. Questioned later by FAA authorities, the Colorado Rockies hitting coach stated he was simply wanting to reprise the classic Leslie Nielsen quote from “Airplane”...”I am serious...and don’t call me ‘Shirley’!”
Still years away from getting cozy with its newly-built Sin City diamond digs, the Oakland A’s asked that 10% of its “home games” (eight in all) be played at neutral sites to “build the franchise’s brand”. Major League Baseball typically permits up to four of those contests, domestically and/or internationally, such as Seoul and London. Vindy’s spies say the requested locations on the wish-list include Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan; Budapest, Abu Dhabi, Delhi, Vatican City, Crete, Rio De Janeiro, Denton, TX (RHPS fans!), Anchorage, Bar Harbor, ME, Flint, MI, Gary, IN; Walla Walla, WA, Huntington, WV and the deck of the USS Gerald R. Ford aircraft carrier (stationed in Norfolk, VA)!
Last Spring, TNT and Warner bros. Games teamed-up with the National Hockey League to put on a MultiVersus NHL Face-Off simulcast of a live game with real-time animation between the Vegas Golden Knights and the Colorado Avalanche. The broadcast would potentially feature Bugs Bunny, Batman, Superman, Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. (which characters were actually selected to play in the contest). Akin to Nickelodeon’s Super Bowl alternate programming? We woulda’ preferred seeing Gigantor, Harley Quinn, Pikachu, Beavis & Butthead, George of the Jungle, Maggie Simpson, Space Ghost and Eric Cartman (“Oh no! They slashed Kenny! Those bastards!”)
A Chinese Olympic swimmer came up “hot” on a doping test, but was allowed to continue after the illicit results were attributed to consumption of a sullied hamburger. The offending fast-food joint was identified as the local Parisian “Olympia Restaurant”, where Dan Akroyd was reprising his role as a cook in the classic SNL skit involving “Chee-burger, chee-burger, chee-burger, chee-burger!”. Officials are still investigating what the athlete may have had as a side and beverage given admonitions of “No Coke, Pepsi” and “Cheeps, no fries.”
July 20th marked the 55th anniversary of an Earthling walking upon the moon. Vindy’s spies have acquired top-secret video-footage of astronaut Neil Armstrong setting up a portable basketball hoop and posterizing “Buzz” Aldrin before proclaiming, “One small Euro-step fer man, one giant dunk fer Mankind!”
Vindy tried to pay for this week’s wagers with S&H green stamps, but was politely declined by the ticket-writer, saying the sportsbook stopped accepting those as valid tender just last week!
Black Shirt: We honor a comrade-in-arms West Point quarterback Bryson Daily with the weekly celebratory chamise for becoming the first QB in school history to rush fer five (count ‘em, five!) touchdowns in a single game, helping push the final score against East Carolina “over 51 ½"!
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Last Week: 1-0 Season: 5-3 (.625).
Shoppe Talk: ISU Cyclones are relegated to “a tempest in a Ye Olde Taxidermy Shoppe teapot” at 0-5 (.000) slide fer lacking the ability to keep the Central Florida melee anywhere near “under fitty”!!
Vindy’s Week 8 Best Bets: Last Week: 1-3 Season: 14-18 (.437)
Arkansas @ MISSISSIPPI STATE “under 58”, Eastern Michigan –2 ½ over AKRON, GEORGIA TECH +10 over Virginia Tech, Central Michigan @ MIAMI-OHIO “over 47”
