MISCONSTRUED DRAFT DAY EXCHANGE PROMPTS INQUIRY
DETROIT, Michigan (BBC)...Months after the National Football League’s annual three-day event in which professional teams select eligible former college players to join their clubs and potentially participate on Sundays, officials at NFL headquarters have decided to investigate insinuations made by Terrion Arnold, likely to go down in NFL history as the “Motor City Mix-Up", that his descent from #13 to #24 to the hometown Lions was based upon a game of chance by Las Vegas, asserting he had been contacted on the phone ahead of the decision by Raiders’ head coach Antonio Pierce, who reportedly told him the Silver-and-Black “had a coin-toss between you and Brock Bowers...”. Arnold misinterpreted that to mean there was a literal currency-flip determining his status. While “AP” has adamantly denied conveying that he meant that in the physical sense, or even the phone call-in-question, and GM Tom Telesco jokingly suggested, “I typically use a ‘magic 8-ball'", independent investigators are currently reviewing “war room” camera footage for signs of said-activity.
We got smoked again, “achieving” 1-4 for the third time in the last four weeks (16-18-1, .470). For betting on any given football game, there are basically four potential options (since no one plunks down money on a “push”)...Fave covers, ‘dog covers (or wins outright), total finishes “over” or finishes “under”. Therefore, two of da’ quad of choices are right, two are wrong. Fitty-fitty, right??!! So WTF are we 6-14 (.300) the past four weeks???!!!
Striving to appease the deities of the college football betting pantheon, we’re pouring libations of Gatorade, lighting Roman candles in the sportsbook, tossing virgins into Lake Mead (we hadda’ temporarily borrow some from nearby Arizona ‘cuz ain’t none left in Southern Nevada), leaving out milk and cookies, sprinklin’ powdered red dragon bones (and wanted to offer a GOAT, but Tom Brady wouldn’t return our calls) aiming to garner some divine-favor for...
THE WEBER KID’S 2024 WEEK 8 FORECAST
(Lookin’ to avoid yet-another trip into the blue tent and down the tunnel to get the ankles wrapped in corrective tape!)
SAT. OCT. 19
#7 Alabama @ #11 TENNESSEE (“under 56 ½”): LOCK OF DA’ LOCK. Vols were on the field beyond regulation for the first time in 26 years with OT victory against the Gators. Not sure what impact, if any, that will have on the Tennessee usual routine. Meanwhile, ‘Bama went all Keanu Reeves in “The Matrix”, avoiding a gun-round, beating South Carolina 27-25 behind a goal-line INT with under 15 ticks to play. An SU loss to Vandy sandwiched by borrowed-time triumphs over Joja’ and the Gamecocks has us questioning the Elephants potency...again. Wouldn’t be shocked to see a scoreless 1st Quarter as both offenses shake-off the effects of last weekend. We’re defying logic and history here as Vols have been blown-out by the Tide in 7 of past 8 years (winning 52-49 in 2022), ‘Bama’s 5-1 “over” in ‘24 and gave up average 33 ppg over last three tilts. But Tennessee is #2 in total yardage-granted at 249.3 and stingily coughing up just 15.25 ppg, with no opponent scoring more than 19. ‘Coonskin Caps rush for 7th-best 246.2 ypg (and slightly-better than 3 ground-touchdowns per game). Big Al has conceded average of just one rush-TD per game to-date. In July, now-ESPN analyst Nick Saban was declined access to SEC Media Days fer not flashin’ an appropriate credential. Kiante Griffin and maw-maw Sharon Paige were manning the checkpoint-in-question. Saban, pulling some unofficial rank, made Griffin run laps and suicide-sprints while relegating Paige to the Tide practice-squad!...Rocky Top 27 “Roll, Jelly Roll” 20
Central Florida @ #9 IOWA STATE (“under 50”): Be advised, second-choice was State layin’ almost two touchdowns. Despite being Phil Steele’s #6 Most Improved Team, Senior-loaded and have Arkansas transfer KJ Jefferson behind center, Golden Knights (Orlando college football team, not the Vegas hockey squad!) are 1-2 SU in conference and on three-match losing skid (0-3 ATS in that span and recording less than 16 ppg), but have beaten the spread vs. ranked teams in four of past five. Dust Devils are in three-way tie atop the Big 12 and undefeated in first half-dozen games (5-0 against the line). Tornadoes have won by fewer than two touchdowns just twice in six contests and conceding an average of 11 ppg. ISU points-scored are sketchy, but mostly land in the 20’s. Twisters are 0-3 last three appearances in Da’ Picks and owe us one...Windstorms 29 UCF 12
Georgia Tech (+12) over #12 Notre Dame (@ Atlanta, GA): This spread opened at 8 ½, but we’ve found no real significant information to support that jump except the public reacting to the Leprechauns’ 49-7 bulldozing of Stanford (gouged now in 4 of its 5 FBS contests). We’re not havin’ any of it. Bees have better balance on offense (though QB Haynes King is 27th-nationally in passing yardage, with an 8-1 TD-to-INT ratio). Banshees are run-heavy (#16 in rush yards). These two clubs have an important opponent-in-common....Louisville, which ended Tech’s run of 7 straight covers vs. the Top 25 and the only foe to best the Insects by a dozen. It’s also the only squad to score more than 16 on Notre Dame. Back in January, Frightenin' Irish officially welcomed 30-year-old Eric Goins as the program’s newest kicker, who last played ball for the Citadel in 2015 before joining the Army and eventually reaching the rank of captain in the Signal Corps and who’s now helping coaches send in plays via a landline or by flags when not booting the pigskin! Much respect from this former Army captain! In the wake of outcomes earlier this year, we wouldn’t be astonished by an upset here, but we’ll cautiously predict...Our Lady 30 Real House-Flies of Atlanta 24
#24 Michigan @ #22 ILLINOIS (“over 44 ½”): The spread on this has jumped around from Michigan –1 ½ to Illinois –1 and back to Big Blue –3!!! Michigan’s last five tilts finished above this number. Three of Illini’s half-dozen games ended “over” this as well. Wolverines have squared-up against a tougher schedule and pulled out slight successes over USC and Minnesota. Illini’s best triumph was 31-24 at then-ranked Nebraska en route to its current 5-7 outright record in conference. Last meeting was 19-17 Michigan conquest at Ann Arbor in 2022. Illini have won ATS in four of five contests in ‘24, but suck getting chalk in Champagne at 2-9 over past 11 (though this one’s essentially a pick ‘em). UM is off a bye, while UI barely escaped with a 50-49 win over Purdue after Boilers failed a 2-pt attempt in extra-frames. Michigan’s 27-17 defeat at Washington ahead of the off-week is concerning, but UM led after 45 minutes and were doomed by a pair of 4th-Quarter turnovers, leading to 10 points fer the Huskies. Big Blue’s new defensive coordinator is Wink Martindale. Wink Martindale?! Didn’t he host a game-show called “Gambit” back in da’ early Seventies???!!!!...Michigan 28 Illinois 24
East Carolina @ #23 ARMY (“over 51 ½”): Almost took the points (+15 ½) with Carolina (see below). Might regret I didn’t, but West Pointers have taken 4 of last 5 to-date by at least 23 points, bashin’ the bulbs for 48 ppg (5-0 ATS) and allowed just one foe to exceed 14 points (impressive given mere three returning starters on defense) in span of 10 game outright dubya run, longest active FBS streak in the nation. Army QB Bryson Daily is #7 in total rushing yardage, including 14 TDs. Not surprisingly, Keydets lead the country in rush yards per game at 369.8. Cadets and Middies are together in the same Top 25 rankings for the first time since 1960. Army became a member of the AAC in March after rescinding scheduled tilts vs. Ball State, Dartmouth, Syracuse, UConn and UMass. At 6-0, the change-of-slate hasn’t cost in the win-loss record (though not sure what West Point forked over to get out of those contests). Meanwhile, little voice in our head is screamin’ Pirates and da’ points. ECU, who rested last week and is Phil Steele’s #1 Most Improved Team off a 2-10 record in 2023, hasn’t faced Army, but has seen Navy’s similar run offense five consecutive seasons, winning or finishing within 10 points or fewer in four of ‘em and per Marc Lawrence, has covered 14 of last 18 getting double-digits. Stealing a line from an episode of Seinfeld...”I don’t wanna’ be a Pirate!”... Soldiers 41 “Arrrrr, Me Hearties” 20
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, while conspiracy theorists took-up arms in Arnold’s defense, HC Antonio Pierce staunchly rebuffed any accusations of impropriety. FBI agents and analysts have been called in to review the alleged crime-scene for the presence of the classic fortune-telling toy and had experts delving into previous shakes to reveal their outcome in relation to, if any, the pair of athletes at the time. More on this next week!
Penn State coach James Franklin dropped the F-bomb on live telly following the Nits’ OT triumph at SoCal, sayin’ “F*ckin’ awesome.” We suspect the FCC will not levy an “unsportsmanlike conduct penalty” given a similar guffaw by U2’s Bono during the 2003 Golden Globe Awards, who quipped that his award was “really, really f*ckin’ brilliant.”
Fer da’ “Star Wars” fans out there, if Darth Maul gets to play an extra season of college football, is it considered a Sith-year of eligibility??!! (Okay, feel free to boo that one!)
Thanks to an agreement with Aristocrat Gaming, Dallas Cowboys-themed slot-machines are available north of the border in Oklahoma (because they’re illegal in Texas). Knowing the Cowboys can’t produce wins on the road, fans of “America’s Team” will keep their quarters in their pockets until such time as “one-armed bandits” featuring the Sooners become accessible!
Tom Brady, this week, become a minority-owner of the Raiders organization. Vindy’s spies say the GOAT plans to covertly let air outta’ da’ draft order, allowing Vegas to move up enuff to select an elite QB without sacrificing additional picks next April!
Ideas have been floated recently that a Super Bowl could occur outside the U.S. as the NFL continues its international expansion. Can’t wait for the Big Game to be held in Cairo, Egypt when scoreboard stats, down-markers and play-clock are all in hieroglyphics and end zone pylons are actually tiny pyramids!
In July, Arena Bowl XXXIII, the AFL’s championship contest, between the Albany Firebirds and the Billings Outlaws, was held within the confines of the American Dream Mall in East Rutherford, New Jersey. Devoid of a true locker room, the Outlaws got their pregame pep-talk in the ground-floor parking lot then charged through the Macy’s department store, Bath & Body Works and Auntie Anne’s Pretzel kitchen to take the “field”! Likewise, Albany’s individual position rooms got final instructions inside Spencer’s Gifts, Kay Jeweler’s and the second-floor of Dillard’s before marshalling-up, as the designated “home team”, and collectively riding the down-escalator for a grand-entrance to the playing surface after reading the “You Are Here” sign! A Firebirds player accidently got a stray shoelace caught in the descending automated stair-step mechanism, delaying the arrival of teammates behind him. Coaches relegated the athlete-in-question to spendin’ the 1st Quarter simply helping children find appropriate sneakers at the Foot Locker! More on this next week!
Referring back to last week’s item regarding Stephen Kwan, the Cleveland Guardians have installed a selection of Bally tables in its clubhouse at Progressive Field, and the equipment manager has been charged with ensuring at least one pinball machine accompanies the team to any given road game! During home contests, the PA announcer plays “Pinball Wizard” by The Who, or Elton John’s remake, anytime the specified player enters the diamond! (BTW, it took some time before teammates realized he was actually a “deaf, dumb and blind kid”!!!!)
Last January, VGK-newbie Brendan Brisson put da’ biscuit in da’ basket with ex-babysitter Sidney Crosby on the ice in his team’s 3-2 victory over da’ Penguins. Following the score, the Pittsburgh star went all Grinch-mode and “patted his head...and he got him a drink...and sent him to bed”!
In August, French Olympic pole-vaulter Anthony Ammirati came-up “short” of grabbing some bling when his “package” dislodged the crossbar, causing him to miss the jump. His account on “Tinder” quickly blew-up. He missed a medal, but secured sponsorships by Viagra and Cialis!
Hopin’ to throw-off da’ bookies, we’re checkin’-in as a Tabernacle Choir-Eligible!
Black Shirt: This week’s prestigious polo goes to Bayou Bengals QB Garrett Nussmeier for tossin’ 23-yard TD pass to tie it against Old Mysterious, then throwing a 25-yarder to win it in extras, confirming our “minor upset pick of da’ week”!
“Wish We Had It Back: We called KSU –3 ½ over COLORADO our best guess fer “wish” pick! We got done-in by the hook as the Wildcats could only produce a three-point margin-of-victory.
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Last Week: 1-0 Season: 4-3 (.571).
Shoppe Talk: Ye Olde Taxidermy Shoppe opens to a crowded lobby/kitchen this season. Da’ Spooners of Fauxlahoma are 0-3 on the year and 0-6 (.000) back to ‘23. Not far behind are the Short Horns of Texas (1-6, .142 back to last year). The Trojan Rabbits of SoCal get invites at 0-2 so far and 0-4 skid, .000). ISU is already at 0-4 (.000) and we’ll be watchin’ to see if they show up on predicted side of the total!
Vindy’s Week 8 Best Bets: Last Week: 2-2 Season: 13-15 (.464)
CINCINNATI –5 over Arizona State, Wake Forest +1 ½ over UCONN, Arkansas State @ SOUTHERN MISS “under 56”, MEMPHIS –10 ½ over North Texas
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