OLYMPIAN HELPING PLAYERS STAY “AFLOAT”, LITERALLY
BALTIMORE, Maryland (BBC)...Over the summer, Ravens officials realized that thirty-three percent of their team never learned to swim and put out an “S.O.S” on social media. Answering the call was local hero and multi-time Summer Games gold-medalist Michael Phelps. With state-of-the-art facilities unavailable, Phelps has taken an “old school” approach, training his charges in the confines of the nearby Inner Harbor. Ensuring teammates “get the whole experience”, dives off the piers are scored by a panel of judges. Players slacking off are made to attempt laps around buoys that have replaced end zone pylons while avoiding cruise boats, cargo ships, naval vessels, paddle-boarders, barges and the like. Taking creative liberties with a certain movie quote, Phelps quipped “If ya can dodge a water skier, ya can dodge a tackler!” The NFL has sanctioned the wearing of floaties emblazoned with team colors and logos on the field until proficiency in the water is achieved.
Hear us roar! Despite absorbing a Friday night loss from the “best bets” (which weren’t this week, see below) for the second time in as many tries, we cruised to an excellent 5-0 result (8-2, .800)!
A few days ago, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt offered to have a penmanship analysis conducted to prove Donald Trump didn’t write...
THE WEBER KID’S WEEK 3 FORECAST
(Advancin' on da’ strength of da’ Olympic “lucky-loser” category!)
SAT. SEPT. 6
Florida (+7 ½) over #3 LSU: Yes, the upset loss to the Bulls was ugly and Gator Nation has descended upon Coach Napier’s office with torches and pitchforks, but further review of the game shows UF blew its own toes off with moronic penalties and poor clock management late. Weeziana Tech caught LSU in obvious letdown spot last Saturday following tight victory over Clemson. “Under 47 ½” should be considered as well since two games each aren’t likely to be sufficient enuff to get either offense rolling against the respective defenses. Marc Lawrence points out that State has won ATS in 11 of last 13 as SEC home chalk of less than 12. Gators covered 4 of 6 vs. ranked foes in ‘24. Financial concerns will keep Gainesville officials unable to “ship Billy to Chile” until prolly December or January...LSU 23 Florida 19
#15 TENNESSEE (+3 ½) over #6 Georgia: MINOR UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. We briefly considered the “over 50” because, 2024 notwithstanding, these two typically bolt up and down the field on each other while the respective defenses do their best Casper impersonations, but a lack of scoring by both sides early on in ‘25 made us think twice. Given year-to-date results for the Bruins, Vols aren’t ruing former QB Nico Iamaleava’s defection to UCLA. ‘Dawgs have been wallet-searing 9-19-1 ATS the past two-plus seasons and 1-6 as road chalk in that span. UGA has taken the previous 8 in this series with no MOV smaller than two touchdowns while covering the last 6. QB Gunner Stockton only has three starts under his belt and Joja’s rush defense has regressed each of the past two seasons. Tennessee is posting 252 rush ypg at the moment...Rocky Top 28 Georgia 24
#16 Texas A&M @ #8 NOTRE DAME (“over 49 ½”): LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. The Irish game plans for his new QB have been conservative thus far, but Coach Freeman intends to let CJ Carr throw vertically and run the ball this time, opening up more scoring chances. Both Aggies’ tilts finished with totals of 66 as A&M, which returns 16 starters from the 2024 edition, ceded 24 and 22 to UTSA and Utah State, respectively. Weird stat of the week from Marc Lawrence...TAMU has won the third tilt of the season SU in each of the past 11 years, Unfortunately, history (current 3-12 spread skid, 1-4-2 road dog and 2-5-2 ATS facing the Top 25 [losing 7 of those 9 on the scoreboard]) prevents us from predicting the upset. Shamrocks, who left College Station last year with a 23-13 triumph, are crapshoot ATS in the vicinity of Touchdown Jesus and will go against an Aggies running game averaging 5 yards per carry...Rudy 30 Gig ‘Em 27
#12 Clemson @ GEORGIA TECH (“under 55”): This line opened around 7, but a poor showing vs. Troy led to a drop to its current 3. Tigers are now 0-2 ATS and 2-0 “under” and have gone 8-9 giving points on the road. This series has consisted mainly of blowouts by Clemson (14-8 in 2021 being the exception). Wreck last got a W in 2014. Multiple betting trends support the Bees, who have taken out Colorado and manhandled FCS Gardner Webb. Across the gridiron, much-hyped Cade Klubnik is a middle-of-da'-pack passer right now (#64 in passing yards with 2-2 TD-to-INT ratio) and his Heisman campaign could use a boost. An ACC road at Joja’ Tech would help. GT will lean on its running game (#9 nationally) to keep him off the field...Tigers 24 Yellowjackets 22
#19 ALABAMA (-21) over Wisconsin: Best guess for “wish we had it back”. Gee, do ya think the Red Pachyderms took a little frustration out on Weeziana-Cornrow in 73-nada laugher?! Badgers killed our three-team ties-win parlay over the weekend, whacking Middle Tennessee State (though we go back to the Blue Raiders a second time as a “best bet”, see below), wasting solid covers by USF and Delaware. While pretty much the rest of the Big Tangerine Conference is being harangued for scheduling powder puff “competition” this week, the Cheeseheads can take a little pride in facing an SEC team (Minnesota is the only other B10 club meeting a Power Four team at California). Badgers are 2-0 behind second-string QB Danny O’Neill, who went 3-9 at San Diego State last season (with 4 of those losses coming by at least three touchdowns) and helped defeat just Miami-Ohio 17-0 and Middle Tennessee State to-date. Marc Lawrence noted UW has gone 5-0 with revenge off an SU/ATS victory. Tide won 42-10 last year (BTW, the only other NC squad to beat the Badgers by more than 21 was Our Lady back in 2021). Conversely, Wisky is just 2-5 getting points away from Camp Randall. Pachyderms get two top receivers back from injury in time for this match. Hopin’ that’s enough to grab the cover...Roll Timex 38 Wisconsin 14
BETWEEN DA’ HASHMARKS
BTW, struggling athletes in the swim program are placed on the PUP...”physically unable to paddle” list.
Regarding events in Chapel Hill, will Coach win the toss and defer the marriage to the second half?! Will the person catching the bouquet be offered a scholarship and NIL funds as a Tarheels wide-receiver??!! Just wonderin’ if Belichick stocked up on UNCialis for the wedding night and honeymoon!
Joja’ HC Kirby Smart called his back-up safety an “idiot” for appearing to celebrate Ole Miss’ win over the ‘Dawgs last Fall. “It takes a village to raise a child” but apparently just a locker room to raise an idiot!
During Super Bowl Fitty-Nine Media Days, Philly TE Dallas Goedert was incapable of naming a single Taylor Swift song, asking “Is she the one that sings ‘don’t go chasin’ waterfalls?”. Afterward, 1996 R&B group TLC thanked the Eagles blocker/pass-catcher for the unintentional shameless plug!
BTW, unsold Super Bowl loser merch (not permitted to be bought in the U.S.) gets distro’d to nonprofits across the planet. Similarly, Vindicator’s souvenir apparel (with or without the autographs by the prestigious prognosticator) following each losing forecast week goes to charitable organizations in Greenland, Iceland and Kenyan weather stations above the Arctic Circle!
The Pittsburgh Steelers abandoned their “Heinz Field” home-venue in lieu of “Acrisure Stadium” (global insurance brokers). There was apparently some mix-up and the first 1000 fans thru the gates were given complimentary six-packs of Ensure shakes?
Thank goodness MLB players were finally permitted to wear their individual team unis during July’s All-Star game like they did in 2021! The duds from the past three events looked like potato sacks and leaf bags!
Does cheering the White Sox and Villanova’ hoops teams make Pope Leo a fan-of-the-cloth?! Can’t wait to see exchange Catholic prayer cards denoting Chicago’s starting line-up at home plate with the opposing manager!
Anybody else out there consider a certain restaurant’s commercial featuring a female patron that offers to have six kids with a winged buffalo to be a smidge creepy?! Guessin’ the company’s marketing department didn’t quite think that one through.
Hooray fer Da’ Little Guy: “Huzzah!!!!” for Long Island U., 28-23 victors over Eastern Michigan a mere seven days after getting pasted 55-0 in Da’ Swamp and Bryant, 27-26 winners over UMess. Much R-E-S-P-E-C-T to Sacramento State (20-17 losers to Nevada-Reno), Norton Colorado (fell 21-17 vs. Colorado State) and Lindenwood (went down 20-13 to App State). Our best guess for this week’s FCS squads that could drop their I-A opponents: #18 Monmouth over CHARLOTTE, #24 New Hampshire over BALL STATE, Eastern Kentucky over MARSHALL and Merrimack over KENNESAW STATE.
Black Shirt: This week’s adulated underthing goes to Oklahoma QB John Mateer, who accounted for all three of the Sooners’ touchdowns, two by ground, one by air, to help the Okies drop Michigan.
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Last Week: 1-0 as the Sooners covered –5 ½ nicely against Big Bloomers Season: 2-0 (1.000)
Shoppe Talk: No new invitations to da’ Shoppe were extended this week as Iowa State finally got off da’ schneid (now 1-6, .143). BTW, fer inquirin’ mimes that wanna’ know, Michigan has been Weber-friendly, finishing on the predicted side of the spread/total 7 times in its last 10 at-bats (.700) in the Picks!
Vindy’s Week 3 Best Bets: Last Week: 0-4 (.000) Season: 2-6 (.250) As determined by the committee of Little Caesars’ “Deal Deer”, Meghan Trainor, “Phillies Karen” and “Motivatin’ Manning”...
ARIZONA –1 ½ over Kansas State, New Mexico @ UCLA “over 53”, New Mexico State @ WEEZIANA TECH “under 43 ½”, Middle Tennessee State +9 ½ over NEVADA-RENO
Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to yoga class to practice our “downward underdog”.
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