HOME RUN BALL SAGA TAKES ODD TWISTS
MIAMI, Florida (UPI)...The local stadium saga continues. “Phillies Karen”, who recently harangued a father into giving up a home run ball he scrambled to acquire for his young son, has been offered $5000 by a sports trading card company if she first wrote “I’m sorry” on it. The still-unidentified female fan did not respond directly to the proposed deal, appearing instead in a Reese’s commercial showing only her silhouette, like something straight out of a witness protection program, while prominently displaying a large replica peanut butter cup emblazoned with the words “Sorry, Not Sorry”. Elsewhere, the Feltwells, family of the young boy-in-question, was gifted an RV by Marcus Lemonis, CEO of Camping World. But it too came with a caveat...Cheryl Richardson-Wagner and Leslie-Ann Kravitz, the two women erroneously dragged by social media for being the person committing the egregious act, must have access to the vehicle on a time-share basis.
“All good things must come to and an end” and we were on the wrong end of a half-point that kept us from 3-2, instead resulting in 2-3 (14-6 season, .700) for the fortnight.
Declaring ourself safe from da’ Rapture and “checking Allstate first to save hundreds” before proposing...
THE WEBER KID’S WEEK 5 FORECAST
(A hill we’re not gonna’ die on!)
FRI. SEPT. 26
#8 Florida State @ VIRGINIA (“under 60”): Both clubs are Top 5 nationally in total offensive yards per game, meaning a trackmeet is possible, but most of their opponents fall into the “shooting fish in a barrel” category. Additionally, both sides are playing on a short week. ‘Noles, 3-0 for the third time in four years under Coach Norvill after starting 1-3 and 0-4 in his first two seasons, have already made big improvements in the ground game, rushing for 230 yards and a 4.7 ypc rate vs. ‘Bama a season after averaging just 91 ypg and 2.9 yards per tote. Cavs won 11 games thru Coach Elliot’s initial three years at the helm, but show a 3-1 record early on. Wahoos have covered 12 of last 18 in the ACC and 6 of last 8 vs. the Top 25. FSU QB Tommy Castellanos is a dual-threat and hung 230 total yards on the Tide...Tribe 29 UVA 24
SAT. SEPT. 27
#3 PENN STATE (-3 ½) over #6 Oregon: Finally! A game worthy of being on the Alma Mater’s schedule this season. Over the summer, Paul Finebaum called State’s non-B10 sked ‘completely embarrassing’. Sadly, this loyal alum must concur. (BTW, we took the bye week and da’ points last Saturday. After a slow start, Lions won but didn’t cover). First of potentially three meetings between these two, with the conference title match and a CFP battle possible yet-to-come. Since James Franklin became coach in 2014, the Nitwit Lions have bested AP Top 10 squads just four times in 24 tries (including 1-7 SU over the past three years). Ducks at least have gone 8-6 in their past 14 facing similar opponents. Penn State hasn’t bowed at Beaver Stadium to anyone not named Ohio State (twice) or Michigan (also twice) since a 20-18 loss to the visiting Illini four seasons ago. Most statistical comparisons are a wash except for the Mallards rushing for about 60 more ypg than the Lions. If it comes down to a giveaway, advantage Lions (+6 turnover margin vs. +3 for Mean Green). Quack Attack got some blowback for taking a quarter off following 7-7 tie after 15 minutes vs. the Beavers. Folks have seemingly forgotten State “forging” a similar score at the end of da’ 1st Quarter while hosting I-AA Villanova. PSU has won 24 consecutive matches in August and September. Sophomore QB Dante Moore enters his first big start...away from Da’ Pond, at an unfriendly venue in “white-out” conditions against a team wanting retribution for last year’s shoot-out demise (totaling 82 points while both defenses were simply hanging out at the Indianapolis Zoo) that cost it a Big Tenement title...Nits 32 Mergansers 27
#13 OLE MISS (-1 ½) over #4 Louisiana State: The line moved quickly away from the opening of Bengals –1 ½. We watched the Rebels dismantle Tulane and while Ole Miss got gouged for an average of 468 yards per game of offense by Kentucky and Arkansas, it still won by 6 and 7, respectively. Tigers are averaging 392 yards of offense thru four games, but that includes a 56-10 decision vs. FCS Southeast Weeziana and really aren’t doing anything substantial with that yardage, preferring instead to let the D do its thang. LSU QB Garrett Nussmeier is not getting any ground support with leading rusher Caden Durham averaging fitty yards per contest to-date and the Rebels, who’ve won 16 of last 17 in Oxford, did not allow a completed pass by Tulane until the final play of the first half (10 attempts in all). Tigers won 29-26 last year at home in extra frames but have not shown the capacity to keep pace on the scoreboard. Nothing screams for a call on the total (54 ½), so...Mississippi 30 LSU 24
#17 Alabama @ #5 GEORGIA (“over 52 ½”): LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Joja’ fans are steamed that College GameDay took its wares about 700 miles north to Happy Valley rather than broadcast from Between Da’ Hedges. Let’s see...#5 UGA vs. #17 ‘Bama or #3 Penn State vs. #6 Oregon? Yeah, that’s a tough one. Tide gets Jam Miller, a returning starter at RB last year, back from injury (though he was essentially useless in the previous two contests facing Georgia [31 yards on 14 totes]). First road dog status for ‘Bama in 10 years. Joja’ is now on a 3-11-1 ATS stutter. ‘Dawgs gave up 41 to Tennessee as 3 of the 4 lined games combined finisher higher than this total. Outside the 2021 playoff tilt, Georgia last bested Alabama in 2007 (in OT). Since 2018, ending numbers have been mostly in the low-to-mid 60’s. Is there a veterinarian in da’ house?!...UA 34 Bulldogs 27
Arizona @ #14 IOWA STATE (“under 49”): We’re requiring a signed waiver from all bettors willing to take this prediction to the sportsbook and place a wager as Iowa State potentially burns us fer the 7th consecutive time! ‘Cats went just 4-8 last season but appear headed for better things having already hung three games in the win-column. That said, UA’s only contest of note was a 23-17 triumph against K-State, allowing 9 total points elsewhere to Hawai’i and FCS Weber State. Meanwhile, the Dust Devils are 3-0 to the “under” with a high total of 45 thus far. State’s margins-of-victory have been 3, 3 and 8 suggesting AZ +6 ½ would be feasible as well. Ball security has been a problem in previous seasons for the Wildcats (one plus-ratio in the last seven campaigns), but Arizona is currently +6 turnovers (including two committed vs. Kansas State). On top of that, the ‘Cats are #7 in total defense (222 ypg allowed). UA PK Michael Salgado-Medina, in his first season of actually booting the ball instead of holding it, has hit 7 of 10, including 1 from over 50 yards. An upset is a distinct possibility if he can get close enough late in the game...Funnel Clouds 21 AZ 19
BETWEEN DA’ HASHMARKS
BTW, on a more serious note, because Richardson-Wagner declared herself as a Red Sox supporter, her peeps in Beantown should, if nothing else, give her an autographed jersey and box seats to a game at Fenway Park.
Buyer beware! If yer considering renting a temporary residence on Airbnb from Nick Saban, he doesn’t allow showers except during the final two minutes of each half! Violation of that rule results in a $15 uncustomerlike- conduct foul and automatic purchase of a first goose-down pillow fer the host!
This year, Army finally started allowing the purchase of adult beverages inside its home foxhole. The catch? Patrons must first apply camouflage, don a Kevlar helmet and low-crawl up the stadium steps and down the concourse to the concession stands while avoiding Claymore mines filled with paintballs!
Not long after the New Year, Bill Belichick suggested a radical change of name from the Vince Lombardi Trophy to the Tom Brady Trophy. Honored by that concept, the GOAT is still trying to figure out to deflate some air pressure from said-hardware!
In related news, Patrick Mahomes sported a suit of Iggles colors en route to da’ Caesars Superdome for Super Bowl 59. Apparently local NOLA dry cleaners wouldn’t release his usual duds so he bit the bullet rather than going commando while traipsing thru Bourbon Street in his pink Barbie jammie top!
During a punt return for touchdown by the Washington Commanders, Las Vegas Raiders rookie CB Darien Porter inexplicably went outta’ bounds and stayed outta’ bounds, drawing an unsportsmanlike conduct flag. Guess who spent Sunday night and Monday polishing helmets and scrubbing cleats of his teammates!
As another thought on our food-related items from last week, we note fer as little as $4.00, fans of the Seattle Mariners and San Diego Padres can nosh on entrees consisting of toasted grasshoppers at their teams’ respective home diamonds. No word as to whether the ballpark cuisine comes with a side of dippin’ chocolate! With apologies to Billy Bob Thornton...“We reckon we like us some toasted grasshoppers. Especially them big ‘uns. Mmm-hmmm.”
We’re going for the equivalent of a Gordie Howe hat-trick...a correct straight bet, a winning parlay wager and a fight in the sportsbook!
Back in February, Starbucks baristas started writing personalized inspirational words and well wishes on customers’ coffee cups (slowing efficiency but improving patrons’ morale). That same month, sportsbook ticket-writers scribed such messages as “My six-year-old makes better wagers than you do!” “Yer toast, Loser!”, “No shot!” and “Fuhgeddaboudit!” on the Vindicator’s betting slips!
Hooray fer Da’ Little Guy: A warm Vindicator salute to Idaho for a near-miss, losing at San Jose State 31-28 on a 48-yard FG with :07 left. The vandals have now lost two games against FBS opponents by a combined six points! We give #7 Rhode Island (4-0) the best shot to pull an upset facing Western Michigan (now 1-3 following tough 14-13 win over Toledo).
“Wish We Had It Back”: We’d like mulligans on not one, but two games last week after saying “Nagging doubts about this choice (Utah –3 over Texas Tech)” and “We’re worried that this one (Missouri –9 ½ over South Carolina) seems too easy...”
Black Shirt: The awesome apparel this week is presented to Memphis Tigers RB Sutton Smith for a 64-yard TD run with less than 5 minutes left to lift the total “over 61 ½” (by 1 ½ points) in the game vs. Arkansas, validating one of our “best bets”! Honorable mention to North Texas rusher Caleb Hawkins for his OT TD vs. Army, cashing a ticket for us.
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Last Week: 0-1 Season: 3-1 (.750) We missed badly on Illinois +6 ½ over INDY
Vindy’s Week 5 Best Bets: Last Week: 2-2 (.500) Season: 6-10 (.375)
Duke @ SYRACUSE “over 60”, Cincinnati +5 over KANSAS, Arkansas State @ WEEZIANA-MONROE “under 54”, Hawai’i +6 ½ over AIR FORCE
Now if you’ll excuse us, because “Winter is Coming”, we’re off to stock up on earmuff empanadas and scarf S’mores!
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