Between the Hashmarks Week 5-2014

OFFICIALS CLARIFY ALLEGED “TEST”

BUFFALO, New York (ITAR-TASS)…Lost in the recent plethora of player misadventures was the outrage following off-season revelation of the NFL’s “jiggle test” for cheerleaders. Commissioner Roger Goodell and league officials say critics are wrong and it’s really the “Gigli” test, in which teams test cheerleaders’ endurance by measuring how long they can suffer through the Ben Affleck box-office bomb! In addition, the women must be pet-friendly and pass muster with Dr. Evil’s cat , ie. the“Mr. Bigglesworth test”! Further vetting of candidates requires ongoing mental health assessments mandating the pom-pom squads submit to the “Sybil test”!

BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS

(The real cause behind the elevator-fight between Jay-Z and Beyonce)

BTW, Cleveland fans wanting admission to the “Dog Pound” must pass the “Kibble test”!

The Nifty Lions host Northwestern this week. Last Spring, the National Labor Relations Board ruled N-Dub players could unionize. In April, scholarship players cast secret ballots whether or not to give the formal okay to be represented by the College Athletes Players Association (which if named College Athletes Players Organization, woulda’ had the Wildcats being supported by the…CAPO!). Those votes remain sealed until further notice as the school fights unionization. Meanwhile, we predict Coach Jimmy Hoffa will lead the Northwestern Teamsters outta’ da’ tunnel this week then mysteriously-disappear at halftime! The interim coach will, of course, be Jack Nicholson!

Marc Lawrence’s Playbook.Com strategy of wagering on bowl teams from the previous season that drop their first two games SU, then win Game Three outright and host their Game Four opponent went 2-0 again as Vandy (+21) and Wazzou (+23 ½) both covered nicely in that role vs. South Carolina and Oregon, respectively.

Steve Spurrier’s at it again,  bashin’ the Aggies’ slate. Last time he did that, the Ol’ Ball Coach and his players got their Gamecocks cleaned! Super Steve better hope his team and A&M don’t collide again for the SEC Championship in December.

The Sochi Olympics mascot was dubbed “Nightmare Bear”. Ted meets Chucky?!

In related news, Team USA’s honorary curling team-captain in Sochi, 49ers TE Vernon Davis, drew some comparisons between the sport-in-question and golf. Sure, why not. Every golfer hand-rolls a ball toward the hole and has a pair of helpers with brooms, sweeping a path along the green to the cup or to knock an opponent’s ball out of scoring range, right?!