“RANK”-DESIGNATION DEKE GARNERS INSURANCE DEAL
SAN ANTONIO, Texas (AP)...Weeks after he copped to being non-military, USAA, who insures only military members and their families, provided coverage to Rob Gronkowski, who claimed to be “special”, though not Special Forces, after Tampa Bay named the star-TE as “team Captain” BTW, no truth to rumor that Gronk will covertly line-up vs. Missouri for one-play in the Armed Forces Bowl to validate his status and get an honorary DD-214!
The Midshipmen (+7 ½) won outright over West Point in the annual-rivalry to bring us razor-thin improvement (1-0) on the season (29-39-1, .426), leading one bookie-in-question to lean across the ticket-writers counter, point at our haggard-hero, flashin’ a double-bird, and stealin’ an Aaron Rodgers-line, exclaiming “I still own you!”. With 17 points on the board at the end of the 1st Quarter, our “best bet” of “over 34” seemed like a gimme. Quoting Lee Corso, “Not so fragmentary-grenades (and fer those with foot-injuries...my plantar-fasciitis), my friends!” (sumthin’ like that) as the defenses dug-in and the pair of offenses would combine for mere a 13-spot the rest of the way!
Channeling Pitt QB Kenny Pickett and usin’ an illegal fake-slide to deceive da’ bookies en route to postin’...
THE WEBER KID’S 21-22 BOWL PREDICTIONS FORECAST: PART I
(Sponsored this week by Ragu...”pickin’ like a mother!”)
FRI. DEC. 17
Cure Bowl (@ Orlando, FL)
Northern Illinois vs. Coastal Carolina (“over 63 ½”): Early post-season contests trend ATS toward the fave and the over. Coastal Carolina, which had Group-of-Five CFP dreams from the git-go, then fizzled, has no notable-victims on their schedule, so we can’t in all good-conscience lay double-digits. Chants have more-impetus to topple a MAC-squad, but we’ll lean on the offenses (Roosters score at 40.4 ppg and Huskies at 31.5, while allowing 32.7 ppg) in mild-climes to light-it-up early-and-often...Coastal Carolina 41 Sled Dogs 30
SAT. DEC. 18
Jimmy Kimmel LA Bowl (@ Inglewood, CA)
Utah State (+7) over Oregon State: Great. So now we have individual talk-show hosts attaching their names to bowls rather than obnoxious corporations doing so? Ugggh. Stay tuned next year for the Drew Barrymore Firestarter Bowl. Aggies have gone 2-3 SU in their last 5 post-season tries since 2014, including 1-2 outright over last 3 (featuring a troubling defeat to New Mexico State in 2017). Nonetheless, 1st-year HC Blake Anderson (and a good number of upperclassmen) helped lead USU to the Accountant Tressed championship, posting 10 victories along the way and blasting San Diego State to get there. Utah State lost three times in ‘21 by DD...by 24 vs. Boise, 14 vs. BYU and 27 vs. Wyoming (all fellow-bowlers). Ironically, USU won all seven tilts away from Logan. Oregon State was the talk-of-the-12-PACK early but eventually fizzled later with late-season conference road-losses. We won’t portend the upset, but as the Ghost-of-Bowl-Games-Past, we’ve seen odder things happen...Leave It to Beavers 38 Aggies 34
TUES. DEC. 21
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl (@ Boise, ID)
Wyoming (-3) over Kent State: The bowl-in-question is being conducted at Albertson’s Stadium, home of the Boise State Broncos. Cowpokes have been hosted here every other year as part of normal, regular-season play and have the advantage of at least some familiarity (if not success...0-3 SU, though 3-0 ATS since 2015 here) and won’t be weirded-out by the azure-hue of the playing surface. Wyoming took-out both MAC opponents in ‘21, besting Northern Illinois by 7 at DeKalb and rockin’ Ball State by 33 at home. Flashes did not face the Cardinals, but dropped NIU by 5 at home then got trashed vs. Those same Huskies on a neutral-field in the conference crown contest. “Under 58 ½” wouldn’t be a bad choice either. KSU finished beyond this total 9 times, but we’d defer to Cowboys’ prowess on scoring-D (22.5 ppg, even accounting for 43 at NIU and 38 vs. Hawaii) and potentially-inclement weather (expected to be a balmy 40-degrees at kickoff and possibly deteriorating into snow and rain as the game progresses) to keep this a low-scoring affair. Yes, we violated our usual format with two teams from the same conference. Have yer lawyers call our lawyers. They’ll do lunch...Cowboys 27 Kent State 17
WED. DEC. 22
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl (@ Ft. Worth, TX)
Missouri vs. Army (“under 57 ½”): LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. MINOR UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. Ring-knockers have notched finales below this number 8 times on the season. Cats on just 4 occasions, but replicating triple-option in practice is difficult-at-best. Army coughed-up serious time-of-possession to USN. Won’t do that again here. If the Corps of Cadets coats featured streaks of brightly-citrus-green, would the traditional marching-formation be known as the “Long Grey-Lime"???!! Cadets may come out a bit flat after tough-loss to Navy. Army QB Christian Anderson took da’ gridiron throwin’ the ball, lookin’ more like Tom Brady! Soldiers will want to atone for that defeat, but we mentioned weak-strength-of-schedule previously and with Mizzou ain’t no great shakes, we think they’ll put forth effort to move da’ glow-sticks enuff to eke out the victory. On a personal note, as a former Armor-Platoon Leader, we were disappointed to learn that Tanked was about Las Vegas-based aquariums rather than M1A1s! Bucking a trend that shows MO losing straight-up four outta’ five away from Columbia ...Thin Red Line 26 Tigers 23
THURS. DEC. 23
Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl (@ Tampa, FL)
Central Florida vs. Florida (“under 55 ½”): UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. This was the last of our ultimately-decided-upon regular selections, so it gets the weekly-traditional “Best Guess Fer ‘Wish We Had It Back’” label! Gators absorbed heart-wrenching in mid-September to now CFP-#1 ‘Bama but fell in four of last six on the scoreboard, leading UF to eject Dan Mullen in late November, to be replaced by former Weeziana-Lafayette HC Billy Napier. UCF Golden Knights have Gus Malzahn at the wheel (Central Florida changes coaches like we change Underoos...4th HC in 7 years) and are “Color Me Casper”-version of the club that went 12-0 and an unrecognized, mythical National Title in 2017. Gators, who ended 6 tilts below this number, should be refocused on D following inexplicable 70-52 win over FCS Samford. Knights’ last four bowls finished well-above this number. Stayin’ with our previous-assertion that early bowls trend “above”, we’ll call it...Golden Gallahads 27 Crocs 20
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, tune-in next week when the above-mentioned NFL-star gets da’ the Gronkowski-Giveback from State Farm!
If a military-recruiting ad campaign targeted toddlers, would da’ catch-phrase be “I am an Army of Onesies”???!!!
It’s a little-known fact that the 2021 National Championship College Basketball Championship game was sponsored by Great Clips and Baylor had to schedule an appointment for two days later after taking the title to have the nets cut-down due to COVID-restrictions!
In light of the 2021 Stanley Cup playoffs Game 3 between the Pens and the Isles, which saw damn-near both team-busses-full of players sent concurrently to the penalty box, teams have decided to widen/lengthen the size of their respective sin-bins to accommodate larger numbers at the same time. In fact, at one point, the play was 0-on-0 as each club’s goalies were the only players on the ice for two-minutes. The resulting-play, with each net-minder alternating paddling da’ puck back-and-forth while harmlessly keeping the nets on their moorings, was reminiscent of the 1972 Atari video-game of Pong!
In related news, the NHL All-Star Game break includes a skills-competition featuring players attempting to break plates attached to various points of the goal net. While the Home-Run Derby is nice, how ‘bout if future MLB All-Star Game events pit various batters trying to shatter dinnerware placed atop dug-out rails, outfield walls, bases, spots on the scoreboard or maybe how ‘bout hitting foul-balls into strategically-placed beer-cups in the stands?!
Black Shirt: The coveted-cloth goes to Navy LB Diego Fagot, who made a command-decision at the line and ran for fer a first-down, converting an unintentional fake-punt, culminating a 43-yrad FG, all-but-ensuring Middies would, at worst, cover the spread in the 4th-Quarter with 6:10 to play!
Bowls Part I Best Bets: Last Week: 0-1 Season: 26-31-1 (.456)
Texas-El Paso +11 ½ over Fresno State, Brigham Young vs. Alabama-Birmingham “over 54 ½, Eau D’ Eww +9 ½ over Tulsa, Miami-Ohio –3 over North Texas
Back next week with our Part II Bowl Predictions, but fer now, we’re late fer practice with our teammates in the NBA G-String League, followed by check-in at our local Motel Pick-6, frequented by NFL “leaders” in TD-to-INT ratio, such as...Trevor Lawrence (9-14), Zach Wilson (6-11) and Sam Darnold (7-11). “We’ll leave da’ linebackers on for ya.”
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