ISLAND NATION BEATS U.S. SPACE PROGRAM TO THE PUNCH
NASSAU, Jamaica (CNN)…While NASA was still correcting issues with the DART navigation system after an errant try to make contact with Vindy’s Week 5 Picks, local aerospace engineers seized the opportunity to put themselves on the global scientific map, launching their rocket which intercepted the forecast, not only knocking it off its previous trajectory, but shattering it, thereby dispersing the picks harmlessly into the cosmos. The achievement celebrated by islanders, offshore sportsbooks and linesmakers throughout the United States, with reggae music, traditional Caribbean cuisine and cases of Red Stripe.
A little help, here???!!! Anybody get the number of the Peterbilt 359 dreadnought with the tanker-semi-trailer attached (see “Death Race” 2008 version!) that hit us??!!! Cover yer ears (and if ya can read sign-language, pretend we’re a deity, pretend yer not worthy and avert yer eyes because we’re going to attempt to create new, never-before used profanities in the aftermath of an 0-5 outing (14-10-1, .583).
Strugglin’ to “stay ahead of da’ sticks” with...
THE WEBER KID’S 2022 WEEK 6 FORECAST
(“Bougie!” [Fer our readers that grew up in the same era as we did, no, that’s not a typo spelling “boogie”! For those of ya’ from an era prior to that, no, we did not misspell “Bogie”!)
SAT. OCT. 8
Washington State @ #6 SOUTHERN CAL (“under 65 ½): Second-choice fer “lock” ‘cause we’re sidin’ with below the total early-on at 60. Last two years in the series have maxed out at 59 and 51 and we went into the year fully-invested in the “under”. Coogs are learned on D (currently mere 11.75 ppg, throwin’ out 44 by Oregon as an anomaly) and lopped 15 ppg off their points-allowed in 2021 from 39 to 24 and aren’t agitatin’ the abacus offensively either. Across the gridiron, Trojans have reached minimum of 41 scored other than just 17 vs. The Beavers. Troy has already matched the four victories from last year, but hit the EZ with 1:13 left to hop a train outta’ Corvallis carrying a dubya. WSU will burn clock and SC gets some minimal help on the ground from RB Travis Dye (84 ypg and five TDs) to move the game along too...Trojans 27 WSU 23
#25 LSU (+3) over #8 Tennessee: MINOR UPSET OF THE WEEK. “Under” was seriously-contemplated as well when the number was 62, and even more so now that it’s 64, as State has trended below the total for the most part. Bengals survived two of three melees vs. Stout opponents and would really like a mulligan on 1-digit loss vs. Currently-#28 in the rankings Florida State. Bayou In August, Bengals’ officials divulged that Myles Brennan would no longer be behind-center. The former QB, suffering among other ailments, broke his left arm in a “fishing accident” in 2021. Those of us at Vindy’s Picks wonder how one shatters a humerus, radius or ulna while fishing! (See our “hashmarks” below for our thoughts!). The visitors have left Top opposition on the field at least 5-points behind at the gun. Tigers are droll 3-4 outright vs. ranked opponents but profitable 17-11-1 against the line. New HC Brian Kelly can convince the Baton Rouge backers that his hire was a good thing! Geaux Tigahs!...Creole Cats 24 Rocky Top 22
#13 KENTUCKY (-10) over South Carolina: Bluegrass Kitties should rebound nicely here following three-point demise in Oxford, during which the KY kicking units left five points on the field with a missed makeable FG and a couple of PATs...oh...and...QB Will Levis Jr. lost the pigskin twice in the last three minutes...both in the red zone. Teammates have been told by coaches to address him as “Wilma” until the club’s next victory. Levis will also, at least temporarily, forfeit his commemorative Penn State student ID from his time in Happy Valley! Nearly chose the “over 46 ½" light of Gamehens’ defensive sieve that granted a combined 92 points to Arkansas and Joja’. SC is 3-8 road dog the past 3+ years. Lexington Long-Hairs are a blind dart-throw in SEC play, but 11-6 last 17 as home-chalk...Kentucky 34 Poultry 17
Army @ #15 WAKE FOREST (-17): Just kidding! This woulda’ been the “Satanic Shamans’” fourth consecutive at-bat in the same number of forecasts and woulda’ constituted “roughing da’ pastor” on our part!
#16 Brigham Young vs. Notre Dame (“under 51 ½”) (@ Las Vegas, NV): LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. Both were idle ahead of this one. We really believed the Mormons could sweep the schedule and be that non-Power Five club that gets into the playoffs, but a three-touchdown setback at already one-loss Oregon put the kibosh on that thought and prolly relegates BYU to the Woolite Fabric Softener Bowl instead. Despite a preseason stop-unit built for “stopping”, Cougars show 4 outta’ 5 games “over” (four of ‘em above 52). Irish final totals have been 31, 47, 41 and 77 (in wild win at Chapel Hill). The coin likes Our Lady to win, but we’ll play the percentages and favor the coaching edge (7th year guy Kalani Sitake for Provo over rookie Marcus Freeman for Touchdown Jesus). ND lost to Marshall, who was then conquered at Bowling Green. Coogs are +4 here...BYU 23 Leprechauns 20
#17 Texas Christian @ #19 KANSAS (“under 69”): Huh???!!! Say what???!!! Yes, you read that right, Sportsfans...#19 KANSAS! What in the name of Cris Angel, Penn & Teller and David Copperfield is this???!!! The Faux-Hawks are undefeated at 5-0, including wins over West Virginia, Houston, Duke and Iowa State (collectively 12-4 outright discounting their individual defeats by the Lawrence Meadowlarks), having taken just five of the previous 33 overall and just a pair of last 26 in conference???!!! Bluebirds most recent winning season 8-5 in 2008 (starting 5-1 SU) a year following 2007’s 12-1 tally. Points-scored numbers do not support or prediction here...Horny Toads average 48.5 ppg, while KU stands in at 41.6 ppg. TCU hung 55 on Oklahoma (whose “Desperately-Seeking Sooners” will face-off vs. Texas Saturday in a less than meaningful Red River Shoehorn). These ain’t yer Grandma’s Asur Avians (getting 6 ½ in this one), but the quote is somethin’ akin to “those who forget history are doomed to repeat it”, so...Froggies 30 Auntie Em 24
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
Referencing an above-noted comment, did Brennan over-extend the arm while casting a lure 60-yards down-stream???!!! Try to pop the top on a beer can placed with an air-wrench???!!! Accidentally hook the plastic rings on a full six-pack of beer in the boat while casting???!!
1994-95 All Terror Team: Who let one of these guys make the picks last week???!!!
LT Ritchie “Hamlet” Hemmingway: Northeast Potato Grove University-Boise. Senior. 6’5” 172. Hometown: Denver, Colorado. Major: Drama. Rather than “talking trash”, Hemmingway likes to spout bawdy Shakespeare at the opposing linemen, which often upsets those who understand him and simply irritates those who don’t (not to mention his own teammates!). A solid blocker, but frequently misses audibles and snap counts due to his incessant chatter.
RG Alexi “Big Red” Ripyurhedov: Albuquerque St. Tech. Junior. 6’11” 699. Hometown: Minsk, Russia. Major: English. This former Red Army hockey team defenseman doesn’t speak much English, but understands his mission as “Hit hard, protect comrade quarterback, go to bowl game.” Limited Tumbleweeds’ opponents all season to one QB sack (which he traded for a pair of Levis jeans and a poster of Christie Brinkley!). Learns the language from old 1960s re-runs of “Batman” and “Mr. Ed”.
TB Herman “Gecko” Davis: University of Tijuana. Senior. 6’5” 190. Hometown: Grand Rapids, Michigan. Major: Pharmaceutical Sales. Defenses shudder when studying game-films of this triple-threat superstar. Racked up over 20 all-purpose yards six times this season for the Flamin’ Iguanas. Has an uncanny ability to make less-than-nothing out of busted plays. “Where did they find this kid??!!!”- Mike Ditka.
Last Sunday, Washington Commanders’ QB Carson Wentz was caught on camera smashing a cup of Gatorade into the sidelines in frustration. Tom Brady simply tweeted “Amateur!”
If a baseball hurler stares down an opposing batter ahead of releasing a throw toward home plate, does he show his Resting Pitch-Face??!! If said-visage resembles that of an infamous Detroit Tigers man-on-the-mound, is it a Mark Fidrych face??!!
If Beavis & Butthead meets a hockey net-minder, do we hear...”I am Corngoalio! I need TP for my five-hole!”???!!!
Black Shirt: This week’s “Unmatched Undergarment” goes to Quarterback Tommy Devito (the brother Danny never talks about) for not one, not two, but three 1-yard TD runs to help the Illini (+7) knock off Wisconsin straight up during “this one time...at Band Camp Randall...” and making us look like a Point spread Poindexter for noting we liked UI on the money line!
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Arkansas (+17) got flattened late by ‘Bama, lowering the “lock” record to 2-3 (.400)!
Shoppe Talk: Shoppe visitors can test out the collection of ursine-skin rugs this week as The We Don’t Care Bears of Baylor have now outfoxed us in six of their last seven forecast appearances (.142)!! And the aforementioned Purgatorial Padres of Wake Forest (1-4, .200) will hear their own confessions!!
Vindy’s Week 6 Best Bets: Last Week: 2-2 Season: 11-9 (.550)
BOWLING GREEEN –2 (GASP!) over Buffalo, North Carolina @ MIAMI “over 66”, Fresno State +6 ½ over BOISE STATE, Air Force –9 over UTAH STATE
With Halloween on the horizon and channels like SyFy and AMC already knee-pad deep in Fear-Fest mode, we leave you with this thought...”In the sportsbook, no one can hear you scream.”
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