YANK FLYERS INVOKE “CONEHEADS” TO MEET NEW PROTOCOL
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colorado (BBC)…Just a few short fortnights ago, cadets at the United States Air Force Academy were instructed to cease uttering “gendered language”, including common terms of endearment and respect like ”mum” and “dad”. In fact, Falcons players close-out every practice viewing clips on the telly from old Saturday Night Live episodes featuring the Coneheads in order to get comfortable using the verbiage such as “parental units” and “young ones”. In addition, athletes will avoid speaking of “eating” at the training table, but rather will be required to “consume mass quantities”. Lads who slip-up are subject to taking extra laps around the pitch.
We’ll convalesce to the Week 6 tally of 2-2-1, recovery from devastating results a fortnight prior, but we “took the collar” on “best bets”, normally our “can of Sterno in the shadow”, striking out all four times.
Countin’ on Indespicable Me video replay evidence to support...
THE WEBER KID’S 2022 WEEK 7 FORECAST
(“All that and a bag of cow chips!”)
SAT. OCT. 15
#3 Alabama @ #6 TENNESSEE (“under 65 ½”): Yep, we stipulate that a few teams that were in the Picks last week will be present this week too, in light of the ranked match-ups. Vols decimated one of our projected upset picks. Maybe they’re finally really ready to be contenders? Our real question is this...why isn’t anybody outside College Station breakin’-down Aggies game-film vs. the Tide???!!!! Surely, someone’s researching a cure for the ‘Bama Blues (no, we’re serious...and don’t call us ‘Shirley’!). Elephants are 15-15 ATS in the SEC, but have owned Rocky Top the last six years. ‘Bama’s lighting the lamps at 31 ppg vs. Power Five teams not named Vandy. Raccoon Caps averaged 23 ppg-against facing Gators and Bayou Bengals...Alabama 31 Knoxville 24
#10 Penn State” (+7) over #5 MICHIGAN: UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. Yeah, we know! Freakin’ spoiler-alert, right?! We got two options here....take da’ points with the Alma Mater or a make call on the total. It was about this time last year Lions were 5-0 then Sean Clifford got hurt and it all went sideways. The D just couldn’t accomplish the mission on its own. Lions hadn’t bested Big Blue four years in a row before 21-17 demise in ‘21. State is 4-1 in last five road dog roles. Michigan has won 12 of last 13 conference tilts and gone 12-7 ATS in last 19 giving points in Ann Arbor. If both QBs stay outta’ the blue medical tent this time and St. Nick Robinson continues his ascent in the running game...PSU 24 Wolverines 20 (BTW, this one kicks-off the same time we’ll be stretchin’ out on the massage table for our regularly-scheduled rub down, We love our masseuse. She’s got mad skills and we tip well, but despite our pleas otherwise, she ain’t gonna’ put the game on the in-room Jumbo-tron!)
#7 Southern Cal (+3 ½) over #20 UTAH: MINOR UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK #1. “Over 64 ½” would be a fair call as well. Admittedly, we’d been anti-SC-rah-rah from the git-go, but that philosophy bit us in the butt-fumble. So be it...a 12-PAC CFP candidate might just come outta’ the City of Angels yet! Trojans (who got by upstarts Wazzou and Oregon State) and Bruins are perfect 12-0 together. USC has taken 3 of last 5 in the series (including 1 of 2 in Salt Lake). Perhaps Utes’ close loss to Florida was more telling than we surmised after being laid-bare by UCLA. SoCal QB Caleb Williams is 19th in the nation in passing yardage (with 14 TD-to-1 INT ratio) and has RB Travis Dye (6.3 ypc and 6 scores) with him in the backfield. Utah counterparts QB Cameron Rising show 13-3 ratio and 4.5 ypc with 5 scores from RB Tavion Thomas. Utes have posted nothing less than 26 every game. Track-meet... Southern Cal 38 Mormons 34
#15 NC State (+3 ½) over #18 SYRACUSE: MINOR UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK #2. This line was ‘Cuse -6 earlier in the week. We’re following the money (and the history) here too. Orange was idle last weekend while State eased by resurgent Seminoles. ‘Cuse is still trying to earn respect after winning just 7 of last 28 ACC games. Signature win this year was 32-29 vs. Purdue and victories against I-AA Wagner and UConn don’t move us. Syracuse hasn’t been favored in a conference game since late 2019 (and got waxed 58-27 by BC as 3-point chalk). ‘Pack is 22-8 SU in ACC contests and haven’t knocked off Syracuse three years in a row. Must take the points...NC State 22 Duck Sauce 21
Iowa State @ #22 TEXAS (“under 48 ½”): LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Iowa State’s offense has made as much noise Get Smart’s “Cone of Silence”...19.4 ppg facing I-A squads and 13.5 ppg versus Power Five teams. Only Guns Up has scored more than 20 on the Longhorns, who’ve grudgingly conceded two touchdowns per match. State has won the last three, all ending below 48 ½. In fact, the previous seven years have been under 48 ½ at the final whistle. ‘Clones (+16 ½) haven’t gone down by more than 7 since 10-point loss to rival Hawkeyes in September of last year and opener of ‘20 by 17 to UL-Lafayette...Steers 29 Dust Devils 10
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, the Air Force training has been so successful that the football team has adopted the quick-paced, nasally monotone while calling signals and other communication, on both sides of the line, of the playing field. Forcing coaches explain to fans, alumni and broadcasters, that the oddities are because players “are from France”.
In April, we caught a headline reportedly reading “Penn State reportedly targeting new athletic director...wonderin’ why he (or she) was on the on the gridiron during the game and which Nittany Lion player actually drew the flag and was eventually ejected???!!!
1994-95 All Terror Team: Apparently, one of these guys was responsible for “messed bets” last Saturday!
LG Thomas “Hitman” Harrison: Truly Nolan University of San Franscisco. 5’8” 456. Senior. Hometown: Silver Springs, Maryland. Major: “Pest Control”. Incredible upper-body strength. Likes to bench-press trolley-cars (and has the tire marks to prove it!) Utilizes common household foggers to lead the way for Varmints teammates on screen passes. “Ya can’t coach that kinda’ talent!”- Al Michaels.
RT Johnny “The Schnozz” Durante: East Virginia Polytechnical Institute. Major: Human Physics. Senior. 6’3” 425 (mainly due to nose weight). Hometown: Iowa City, Iowa. Wears a size 7 hat, but a size 24 helmet to accommodate his rather humongous proboscis. A key player in the Molecules’ pass-protection scheme, Schnozz seems to provide a double-team all by himself and occasionally draws a flag for “12 men on the field”. “Schnozz don’t get many dates, but cosmetic surgery would probably hinder his shot at the NFL”- Chris Berman.
K Johann “Sven” Jodelhahnson: Wisconsin College of Natural Medicine. Junior. 6’1” 215. Hometown: Oslo, Norway. Major: Herbal Massage Therapy. Enjoys kicking “au naturale”. Had ten 50+ yard FGs this season, with a personal best 62-yard effort into 35 mph winds against Boca Raton Presbyterian. Despite several NCAA sanctions for uniform-code violations, coaches laud this northern European transfer due to his tremendous leg strength. Often carries a mirror onto the field for purposes of power-tanning (and blinding would-be kick-blockers!!). Said Auburn coach, Terry Bowden, “We shoulda’ given him that damn tanning-salon membership he wanted!”
Troy Aikman was lambasted last week for his controversial thoughts on “roughing the passer” penalties, including a sexist remark...”take off the dresses”. Seems the former NFL quarterback actually meant to reference “Lord of the Rings” and say “...take off the Precious.”
With several cakes mistakenly decorated as Bangles rather than Bengals ahead of Super Bowl Fitty-Six last February, opposing stadium-operators this year are trolling the Big Game runners-up by blaring “Walk Like an Egyptian” over the PA-system as Cincinnati players take the field.
Given the multitude of scoring during the 2022 NHL Playoffs, the goalies might well as have been between da’ pipes wielding only a golf club and an oven-mitt!
If a reality show on the Discovery Channel about fishermen risking life-and-limb on the high seas haul in baseball players crouching behind home plate, is it called, “Deadliest Catchers”???!!!
In May, Sin City officials announced the Las Vegas Desert Dogs professional lacrosse team. Given the returning number of buffets, LV Dessert Dogs would’ve sufficed equally-well!
Black Shirt: Half a hellacious halter-top each goes to BYU RB Lopini Kaloa for achieving no gain at the ND 27, allowing the Irish to run out the remaining 3:37 to play, keeping the total below 51 ½ and to Leprechauns QB Drew Pyne for tossin’ a pick at the Coogs 26 early 3rd Quarter, resulting in a BYU punt and no points scored.
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Cougars and Leprechauns finished with 48 points on the board, elevating our “lock” tally to even at 3-3 (.500).
Vindy’s Week 7 Best Bets: Last Week: 0-4 Season: 11-13 (.458)
Weeziana State @ FLORIDA “under 51”, EAST CAROLINA –5 over Memphis, Texas State +16 over TROY, Ohio @ WESTERN MICHIGAN “over 58 ½”
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