OFF-HAND QB COMMENT SPURS TV AD
CINCINNATI, Ohio (MSNBC)…Queried recently about sporting replacement white helmets and all-white uniforms on the late September Thursday Night Football game against the Miami Dolphins, Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow replied he would “play in trash bags”. Seizing the opportunity for a celebrity endorsement, officials at Hefty made arrangements to have Burrow don the garbage-can liner for (a commercial). Plan was to allow famous defenders, ie. Dallas Cowboys Micah Parsons et al, (run unabated to the quarterback) and demonstrating the flexibility and strength of the bag. Reprising a classic commercial for (brand of lock), the voice-over guy said...”We let Micah Parsons run unabated to the quarterback. The player sustained considerable damage, but the trash bag did not open.”
We’re still treading water in the deep end after last Saturday’s 2-3 (18-15-2, .545) culmination. Sadly, our “jest bets” continued to flounder, hitting one of just four, putting that abacus at 1-7 [.125] over the past pair of outings. C’mon, sing this Hee-Haw classic with us...”...if it weren’t for baaaaad luck, we’d have no luck at allll. Gloom, despairrr and agonyyy on weee.”
Vindy’s “enterin’ da’ week gimpy!” with...
THE WEBER KID’S 2022 WEEK 8 FORECAST
(Deekin' da’ bookies outta’ their skates and scorin’ through their pie-holes!)
SAT. OCT. 22
Iowa (+29 ½) over #2 OHIO STATE: “Under 49 ½” would be deserving of wagering a few Washingtons as well. This amounts to a “trap game.” Bus ride to important match-up in Happy Valley next should afford multiple live-fire snaps to multiple strings at Da’ Shoe here. Buckeyes have cruised to wins of 31, 39 and 29 over prior trey of Big Tanning Bed contests (2-1 ATS). Hawkeyes have covered three of last four and limited 5 of last 6 foes to 10 ppg or fewer (27 to Wolverines notwithstanding). Offensively, Aviary is ahead of just Colorado, Colorado State and UMess in scoring at 14.7 ppg (behind such horse-drawn powerhouses as Florida International, New Mexico State and Temple!) Birds went 10-4 SU in ‘21 season and bring back 7 on each side of the line of scrimmage to start ‘22. Iowa is now 8-4 ATS over last dozen. Unless OSU, who got a week off, lets CJ Stroud stay in for an extended time to boost his Heisman stats (risking injury ahead of the more challenging [and more rewarding] slate)…Buckeyes 34 Iowa 10
#7 Mississippi @ LSU (“under 68”): LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Rebels are 7-0 for the first time since 2014 (after almost frittering away a three-touchdown advantage vs. Auburn last week). Ol’ Mist has floundered against State, losing five straight overall before finally winning last year and dropping its previous six visits to Baton Rouge. Mississippi had been stiff on scoring defense through the first five games but afforded 62 combined to Vandy and Auburn the past two weeks (thus the lofty total on this one). LSU QB Jayden Daniels shows a nice 10 TD-to-1 INT ratio (though has been sacked 21 times), while Rebels counterpart Jaxson Dart shows 11-6 with just two sacks. Ol’ Miss is 3rd nationally in rushing yards at 271.4 ypg (behind only USAF and Army) and stops the run at 144 ypg. Bengals also yield just 145.6 ypg...Mississippi 27 “Cajun-wide is on yer side” 23
#17 Kansas State (+3 ½) over #8 TCU: MINOR UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. If yer scoring at home, none of our six projected upsets have materialized to-date. Consider yerselves duly-advised. Both teams are perched atop the Big 12 at 3-0. Purple Persians are next to last in points-scored in conference play (88...mor e than only Iowa State at 65) and lowest in points-against (71). Conversely, the Kermits are 3rd in conference scoring (136) below just Texas and (GASP!) Kansas. ‘Cats were off last week while the Toads overcame a two-touchdown hole in the 4th Quarter to slip by then-#8 Oklahoma State in 2OT. TCU has covered 7 of 11 facing ranked foes but were chalk in only 2 of ‘em. State got lured into drag races vs. Oklahoma and Texas Tech but ultimately put both contests in the dubya column. Felines have taken the last three in this series. A home loss to Tulane (which appears in this week’s offerings below) and a 10-9 pillow fight vs. the Cyclones is concerning, but...K-State 34 Frog legs 30
#9 Ucla (+6) over #10 OREGON: UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. Yeah, we know. We’re not the sharpest tool in da’ she-shed. Like TCU and Kansas State above, these two clubs are tied for 1st place in the conference. Mallards are unblemished since no-show vs. Joja’, though rallied from 12 down in the 4th Quarter to squeeze by Wazzou in Pullman. Ducks have pocketed high-scoring affairs in each of the past three years. Bruins upset both Washington and Utah. Drakes’ triumph over BYU has lost its importance with Coogs fading into the sunset since then. Total on the contest (70) is too close to allow a comfortable call, so we’ll side with the coaching edge (5th year Chip Kelly over rookie Dan Lanning) and UCLA’s Heisman candidate Dorian Thompson-Robinson (8th in Heisman odds as we go to press) over QB Bo Nix (15th in said-odds)...Bruins 37 Quack Attack 31
Memphis (+7) over #25 TULANE: Caution: we changed our initial selection here, originally choosing to lay the points with Tulane. Green Wave finds itself in the Top 25 for the first time since going 12-0 in 1998. As mentioned higher, Tulane toppled Kansas State in Manhattan earlier this year and suffered its only demise by 3 to improving Sudden Missed team following 2-12 record in ‘21. Tigers have absorbed close losses to East Carolina (47-45) and Houston (33-32). MU has gone 3-5 in past 8 decided by 6 or fewer, Memphis actually gone bowl-eligible lasy year by besting Tulane in the regular season ender. Total is currently 55 ½. Tigers are lighting the bulbs at 35.3 ppg and Wave is allowing stingy 15.9 ppg. Tulane can bolster its lead in the AAC with a victory, but Memphis has covered 3 of 4 in conference, so we’ll call it...Green Wave 30 Tigers 29
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW...Burrow did not express a preference between scented and unscented bags! He did, however, mention he likes the ones with quarterback drawstrings over those with just twist-ties!
On a serious note, kudos to Oregon for sporting its “Stomp Out Cancer” unis this weekend. Said outfits are black with various pink features on the helmets and jerseys.
This Saturday, the Buckeyes marching band will conduct an historic full combined halftime show in conjunction with the Iowa marching band. The Hawkeyes musical group is expected to spend more time in Ohio State’s red zone during the intermission performance than the football team will for the entire game! (BTW, can’t wait to see “Script Iowa”!)
1994-95 All Terror Team: Apparently, one of these guys was responsible for “messed bets” last Saturday!
FL Teddy “Slam-Dunk” Smith: Sigmund F. Freud University. Junior. 4’2” 138. Hometown: Juneau, Alaska. Major: Psychology. This short, but stocky pass-receiver has a 72” vertical jump. Loves going one-on-one with considerably taller corners and safeties. His low center-of-gravity makes him tough to tackle in the open field. Often high-jumps thru the goal-posts after a TD catch for the Ink-Blots.
DE Norton “Wreckin’ Ball” Williams: North Dakota State Trucking College. Junior. Bismarck, North Dakota. Major: Hazardous Waste Transport. Coaches were pleased to snag this home-grown phenom, who once clothes-lined his own mother for calling him “Norton”. Swings his 42” biceps like wrecking-balls while moving toward enemy-QBs and ball-carriers.
DE Jamie “007” Bond. Goldfinger State University. Year: Classified. Hgt & Wgt: Classified. Hometown: Not provided. Major: Spy Stuff. Likes his opponents “shaken, not stirred”. Spends a lot of time “interrogating” cheerleaders. Often can’t be located by coaches except by the short-wave radio hidden in his cleats.
The University of Tennessee is soliciting donations to replace the uprights torn down by Vols fans after the upset of Alabama. Supporters can utilize Zelle, PayPal, Venmo and the ever-popular Goal Fund Me!
During the reported Wolverines-Nitwit Lions halftime tunnel dust-up, Penn State players were allegedly throwing sandwiches at the opposing athletes. Said one anonymous Michigan baller, “The PB&J was no big deal, but the Dagwoods, Sloppy Joes and open-faced turkeys with gravy and stuffing were really below the belt!...And they coulda’ at least cut the crust off first!” No truth to the rumor that one member of the Alma Mater was flagged for “illegal hams-and-cheese to the face”.
If a quarterback tantalizingly doffs his duds while being tackled behind the line-of-scrimmage, does it count as a “strip-sack”???!!!
We tip our helmet to the NY Giants, off to a 5-1 start and featuring former Penn State RB Saquan Barkley! DE Leonard Williams said, “...the best thing about this team is we don’t bend, we don’t fold, we don’t break...”. The defensive lineman coulda’ continued that thought with “we don’t staple and we don’t send cash or stamps in the form of payment (in the mail)”.
If a baseball player squats behind home plate on the deck of a crabbing boat while braving frigid temperatures, ice and crashing waves in the Bering Sea, is the series called “Deadliest Catchers”?!
In February, the Las Vegas Review-Journal published a pic of blindfolded Mighty Ducks center Trevor Zegras firing a puck on goal during the NHL’s All-Star Game skills competition...or how Vindy approaches the sportsbook counter to place a wager on any given day
In August, Dennis Rodman planned to travel to Russia to bring back WNBA star Brittney Griner. Rodman, documented “friends” with Kim Jong–un, challenged Vladimir Putin (or his designated representative) to a cordial game of winner-take-all “Horse”. US officials weren’t keen on the idea.
Black Shirt: The Tremendous Tee gets presented to Cyclones QB Hunter Dekker, who tossed an EZ pick at 9:08 before halftime and fumbled at the Texas 28 with 2:06 to play, avoiding potential scores that woulda’ sent the final “over” 48 ½. Honorable mention to Utah RB Micah Bernard for coughing up the pigskin at the Sudden Cal 11, killing a 72-yard drive and eventually permitting USC to cover +3 ½.
“Lock of Da’ Week”: As we just noted, Hunter Dekkers miscues helped keep the Iowa State-Texas game beneath the total, lifting the “lock” record to 4-3 (.571).
Shoppe Talk: We’re tying yet-another knot in Big Al’s stuffed tail as ‘Bama falls to 0-3 (.000) on the season and 2-7 (.222) in its last 9 at-bats! Wolverine fur will be hanging on the Shoppe walls as Michigan stays on 2-6-1 skid (.250). Meanwhile, there’ll be a fire-sale on coonskin caps (with heads still on) after Tennessee hosed us for the third straight time to-date (.000).
Vindy’s Week 8 Best Bets: Last Week: 1-3 Season: 12-16 (.428)
Marshall +13 over JAMES MADISON, Hawai’i @ COLORADO STATE “under 46 ½”, Southern Miss –2 ½ over TEXAS STATE, Purdue @ WISCONSIN “over 51 ½”
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