COWBOYS HOPE EFFORTS TO CURE KICKING WOES PAY OFF
DALLAS, Texas (AP)…”America’s Team” conquered Tampa Bay 31-14 about seven-months ago, despite four missed extra-point tries by kicker Brett Maher. Immediately following that contest, owner Jerry Jones entered his specialist into the local high school “Punt, Pass & Kick” competition versus a field of 12th-Grade prep-school Seniors. Maher went on to have a PAT blocked in the subsequent defeat vs. the 49ers. In fact, the Dallas war-room in the NFL Draft diligently focused on players known to be proficient at “Finger Football” booting the folded-paper “pigskin” (Jones personally oversaw candidates attempt to “split the uprights”), trading up multiple choices to achieve the desired pick and worked-out post-draft possibilities, including several Super-Jock Football hopefuls!
We turned in a disappointing 2-3 outing for Week 1 (3-4, .428 season). However, we consider the Penn State-WVU final tally a “bad beat”. We don’t generally criticize the Alma Mater coaching staff but given the victory was already in-hand at 31-15 (supporting our call of “under fitty”) with 10 seconds left at the ball at the Mounties’ five-yard line, Coach Franklin inserts back QB Beau Pribula, who would execute the play to score a TD rather taking a knee and pushin’ the total to 53. Guess which coach ain’t getting' a Christmas card from us this December!!!
Rihanna’s “make-up touch-up" during the Super Bowl Fitty-Seven half-time performance garnered the well-known songstress $5M from her Fenty Beauty line. Stealin’ a page from da’ pop-star's playbook, Vindy got nuthin’ and liked it for adjustin’ his lipstick and rouge midway thru...
THE WEBER KID’S 2023 WEEK 2 FORECAST
(Selling more copies than Prince Harry’s book “Spare”! [But enuff about his adventures on the Windsor Castle bowling lanes!])
SAT. SEPT. 9
Nevada-Las Vegas @ #2 MICHIGAN (“under 56 ½”): Might regret not keepin’ this as our initial selection fer “lock”. (See App State-UNC below). Jimmie H. has “graciously” thrown himself on the grenade and will plant his butt “on the pine” over da’ initial trio of contests of the year in light of allegedly violating recruiting protocol (including “impermissible contact”, which during the regular-season, simply results in a five-yard penalty and an automatic first-down!) fer home-tilts against, East Carolina, UNLV and Bowling Green (which will cost da’ Wolverines little, if any, ground in the rankings! What a guy!!!!!). BTW, OC Sherrone Moore did likewise, but just fer last week’s opener vs. Da' Pirates. How ‘bout ‘dat sportsmanship?! Totals is inflated here due to UNLV’s 44-14 victory over visiting I-AA Bryant. Nice dubya fer new coach Barry Odom, but Michigan kept ECU off the board until late in the 4th Quarter, allowing just a meaningless three-pointer...Big Blue 37 Running Renfields 10
#10 Texas (+7) over #3 ALABAMA: Best guess fer “Wish We Had It Back”. ‘Horns, in their final campaign before thumbing their snouts at the Big 12 to join the SEC, look good on paper, and we usually get burnt (orange?!) when we hop aboard the T-train, but Steers gave notice last year by losing just 20-19 to the Tide in Austin as three-TD ‘dogs. The conservative pick would be layin’ the TD at ‘Bama. We’re slow learners. On a serious note...love him or hate him (and long-time readers know we’ve usually leaned toward portraying the latter as the Darth Vader of college football), we note that back in June, Nick Saban, and his wife Terry, distributed stuffed fuzzy ducks to pediatric patients at a Birmingham children’s hospital, saying basically he wouldn't be averse to having one on the Tide sideline when things were worrisome, we take a moment to recognize his efforts for good... Steers Nation was allegedly not pleased with Arch Manning’s limited playing time vs. Rice, but from a coaching perspective, why risk injury and/or giving Tide decent game-film to watch of the young man’s abilities (let’s face it...boy’s got good genes and lineage!) Red herring?!? Texas Quinn Ewers starter was on the field as a freshman fer last year’s narrow loss and likely gets the start again...Pachyderms 30 Horns 27
Appalachian State (+19) over #16 NORTH CAROLINA: LOCK OF DA” WEEK. Fair warning...We walked back our original choice of Unlv @ MICHIGAN “under 58” as “lock”. Hmmm. ‘Heels come off rivalry melee, besting South Carolina 31-17. Seventeen of those points came as the result of three starting possessions at UNC’s 38, 47 and 45, along with nine (count ‘em, nine!) sacks of SC QB Spencer Rattler by the defense. Mountaineers conceded just one sack in 63-61 crazy game loss in ‘22. Mounties six defeats last year came by 2, 4, 12, 7, 7 and 3 (in double overtime). ‘Cocks also showed some intestinal-fortitude but turned it over on downs four times in the second-half. State grabs Phil Steele’s #3 Most Improved Team tag. ‘Heels coughed up 40 (count ‘em, 40!) points in the final stanza last year. UNC QB Drake Maye is garnering Heisman-love, but could suffer the dreaded sophomore-jinx...La Brea 29 ‘Eers 24
#19 Wisconsin @ WASHINGTON STATE (“under 58”): Don’t be deceived by the fact that each side exceeded 500 yards of total offense in blowing out their NC opponents in their openers, vs. Buffalo and Colorado State, respectively. Contrasting strategies...Badgers will run, Coogs, one of the pair of remaining PAC2 clubs until further notice, will go “Air Raid”. Second-year Wisky HC Luke Fickell has 18 starters back and despite carrying just 3 on D in ‘22 still grudgingly allowed 20.2 ppg, lost by 17-14 to Wazzou last year, maybe inspiring UW to cover –6 ½ here. Bulletin-board material! and saw 9 games finish below this total last season and 30-6 below this number over past three years. State is in its 3rd year with Jake Dickert at the helm and recorded 18 of 24 contests ending up beneath this total the past two years under his watch... Wisconsin 30 WSU 23
#22 TULANE (+7 ½) over #20 Mississippi: Second of just two match-ups between a duo of ranked squads this Saturday. Last meeting was 61-21 romp by the Rebels in Nawlins. Green Wave, having won 11 of last 19 at Benson Field and covered 13 of 19 in the home-confines, is stronger on offense, though lacking on the stop-side, supporting a second-choice of “over 66 ½” here. Likewise, Mississippi HC Lane Kiffin still has one more encounter after this ahead of visit to Tuscaloosa and should take advantage of testing his reserves here. Little voice in our head calls fer the upset, but could be leftover residual from our MRI with contrast earlier this week. This week’s pick is sponsored by Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Wet Green Jeans! Ultimately, Roger Goodell takes the podium and declares... “With the 33rd pick of the 2023 Week 2 Forecast, the Vegas Vindicator selects......Ol’ Mist 34 Kale Undertow 31
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, Hall-of-Fame kicker Adam Vinatieri tweeted a message to Maher, saying “Da’ shoes! It hadda’ be da’ shoes! Change yer Keds, Bro!” While not cutting Maher altogether, he was not just demoted to the practice-squad, but was designated-for-assignment, a la Major League Baseball, to Our Lady of the Lake University in San Antonio, Texas!
Harkening back to our Week 1 comments on the Notre Dame-Navy tilt (as promised), we note that NBC announcer Jac Collingsworth or Jason Garrett (honestly, can’t recall which one), while discussing the Leprechauns’ nearly wasting a second-half 19-point halftime edge vs. Navy quipped...”Ferget about what happened last year and learn from it.”. Huh??!! If we fuhgeddaboudit, what are we are learning from???!!! Jus’ sayin’!!!!!
In August, the Big 12 put to rest any doubt about wanting to get any bigger via the shards of the PAC-12, flat-out rejecting advances of said group, by quipping multiple two-word responses, notably “no appetite”. Other reported utterances included...”Hell no!”, “No way!”, “Get lost!”, “Sod off! (Brits in the readership will know that one!) and “Beat it!”. We here at Vindy’s Picks reprise a quote from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”, spouting “Go away or I will taunt you a second time!” and reserve some other phrases that aren’t appropriate for our generally family-friendly blog-site!
Prior to the season, BetMGM had accepted multiple $1K wagers on the Colorado Buffaloes to garner this season’s national crown! To which we can only respond...”We remember our first beer!” (Yeah...okay...nice upset of TCU. See ya at the stoplight!)
A tip of da’ helmet to da’ UMass Minuet Men, who won 41-30 at New Mexico State! Just the second SU victory over a FBS opponent in three seasons, went 1-11 overall in ‘22, hadn’t scored more than 37 in a single contest since 62-59 3OT affair over then-I-AA Liberty in 2018 and had gone 3-37 on the scoreboard 2019-2022. Minute Rice hosts currently unranked, but 8-4 last year, FCS Merrimack Warriors next! Stay tuned!
Paxton Lynch was pointed-out by sportswriter Michael Balko as the sole QB to ever get yanked in the NFL, CFL, XFL and USFL. Adding to his dubious resume, after originally securing a starting spot on our 2023 Preseason Forecasting Strategy Team, we here at Vindy’s Picks also told the journeyman-under-center to “Grab some pine, Junior”!!!
Our better-half will confirm we developed a case of sudden-onset Tourette’s Syndrome when the Eagles D failed to exit the tunnel after the Super Bowl Fitty-Seven half-time show and the officiating crew was released prematurely from the blue medical tent following treatment via the “concussion protocol”!
Hooray Fer Da’ Little Guy: None of our predicted FCS over FBS upsets materialized, but “Honorable Mention” to Sudden Utah, which forced Arizona State to hang-on over the final eight minutes after returning a blocked punt for TD to finish within 24-21, Albany who went down 21-17 at Marshall, Maine who fell 14-12 at Florida International and the Terriers of Rhode Island, who lost by one score, 42-35, at Joja’ State! Our best guesses fer the I-AA squads takin’ out their big brother I-A opponents this week straight-up...in no particular order...#21 Florida A&M over SOUTH FLORIDA, #12 Idaho (a former I-A team [though a poor one] over NEVADA-RENO, #11 New Hampshire over CENTRAL MICHIGAN and unranked Fordham over BUFFALO! (Ya heard it here first!)
After da’ Bengals’ January victory in the AFC Divisional Round over the Cowboys, Cincy QB Joe Burrow stepped-out sporting sweatpants bearing the Seinfeld TV show logo. Amid the AFC Championship game, he was flagged fer taunting, twice, for pointing at a defender and yelling “No soup fer you!” and after a big gain spouting “Maybe the dingo ate your baby!” in a subsequent incident. (If Cincinnati squared-off vs. the San Francisco 49ers, did Burrow reference the “Summer of George...Kittle”???!!! Can’t wait to see him do the infamous Elaine Benes dance upon scoring his first rushing-touchdown of the season! During the offseason, someone temporarily swiped said-duds, spurring Burrow to angrily-quip, “Newman!”
Resurrecting a Super Bowl LVII controversy, Vin blames his net wagering-losses on the casino manager fer slippery turf en route to his way to da’ betting-window!
Under new rules this season, depending on number of runners on-base, batters and hurlers have 15-25 seconds to complain...or what the MLB calls the bitch-clock!
Reachin’ way back fer this one, but in February 2021, then 41-year-old Jeremy Lam took a shot at makin’ the Runnin’ Rebels gridiron-squad as a walk-on. In related news, now 62-year-old Vegas Vindicator has been trainin’ hard to get the opportunity to display his talents and become a non-scholarship member of the Stardust Hotel & Casino’s sportsbook ticket-writin' team (Oh wait...!)
In February (‘23 not ‘21), Vin ordered several boxes of our favorite Girl Scout cookies...Short of the Line-to-Make Breads!
Black Shirt: This season’s initial Terrific Tee goes to UCLA QB Dante Moore fer consecutive incomplete passes from the CCU 13 in the 4th Quarter that produced a FG instead of a TD, allowing the Chanticleers to cover the spread by a half-point, cashing one of our two correct “best bets”!! Kudos to Boomer-Schooner K Zach Wilson fer hittin’ the PAT after a 21-yard passing-TD by QB Jackson Arnold to send the total “over 58 ½" with about six-and-and-half minutes to play while Arkansas State’s “O” eventually posted a goose-egg in a 73-nil defeat!
“Locked in a Box: Last Week: 0-1 Season: 0-1 (.000). We woulda’ grudgingly accepted a backdoor cover from the Bison (+21), but raise yer hand if ya had, in a nod to Battlestar Galactica, Colorado Coach Deion “Adama” Sanders, with Dirk Benedict as his OC, leading his “rag-tag fugitive fleet” over Texas Cylons University! Liar, liar, cleats on fire! Check’s in da’ mail to whomever is responsible fer that travesty! ‘Books laughed all the way to da’ bank following that outcome! Wonder how many money line and teaser bets that killed?!!
Shoppe Talk: Above-noted Frog Legs are now on a 1-5-1 (.166) forecast skid!
Vindy’s Week 2 Best Bets: Last Week: 2-2 Season: 2-2 (.500)
FLORIDA ATLANTIC –3 ½ over Ohio, Temple +8 ½ over RUTGERS, Ucla @ SAN DIEGO STATE “under 48 ½”, Western Michigan @ SYRACUSE “over 56 ½”
Until next Saturday, the events of Week 1 have us standing, long-haired and unshaven, in the entrance to the sportsbook, holding up a sign that reads “Repent! The end of the world is coming!”
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