PROGNOSTICATOR TRIES OUT HOF QB’S METHOD OF INTROSPECTION
LAS VEGAS, Nevada (CNN)....Back in February, Packers’ quarterback Aaron Rodgers decided to engage in a four-day/four-night “darkness isolation” seeking clarity in order to “contemplate all things future”. The long-time Green Bay star, while getting daily meals slid thru a slot in the heavy wooden door, ultimately decided upon continuing his career. (Editor’s note: that didn’t work out very well, now did it?!). Hoping to also gain such deeply-pondered wisdom, the Vegas Vindicator recently spent a like number of days and nights tucked securely under his blankey while mulling-over his choices for this weekend’s picks. As anticipated, the fab-forecaster experienced hallucinations, including seeing the UMass Minutemen upset the New Mexico State Aggies in this season’s National Championship game!
We rebounded nicely from a blasé Week 1 with a pretty nifty 4-1 (7-5, 583) for Week 2, whiffing only on our pick for Tulane-Ole Miss (see our “Shoppe Talk” segment below!)
None of this weekend’s games really scream “Pick me! Pick me!” as “must-see TV”, with just 8 of the 20 tilts involving a Top 25 team coming in with lines of less than 24 points, so continuing our mission to spread some love and conference-inclusivity as much as feasible, we steal some lyrics from a recent Miley Cyrus hit, and Vindy’s ”sendin’ hisself flowers, writin’ his name in da’ sand and talkin’ to hisself fer hours ‘bout stuff ya’ wouldn’t understand like...
THE WEBER KID’S 2023 WEEK 3 FORECAST
(Sponsored this week by the Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Yards After Da’ Catch”)
SAT. SEPT. 16
#11 Tennessee @ FLORIDA (“under 58”): Phil Steele’s #12 surprise team Tennessee is led by now 3rd-year HC Josh Heupel, whose Vols finally beat the Gators last season 38-33 after five straight losses in this contest. Marc Lawrence noted UT drew 109 yellow hankies in ‘22, 3rd-worst in the country. Should that trend continue on offense, it would likely support our call here. Florida is sophomore-heavy on both sides of the ball and was a hot mess, posting just 11 points in opening loss, at Utah. Gators covered 4 of 5 vs. ranked opponents last year but have a new QB after Anthony Richardson left for the NFL...Vols 29 Florida 23
#15 Kansas State (-5) over MISSOURI: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Looks almost too easy. Purple Persians have shown consistent improvement year-to-year under Coach Chris Klieman, including a Big Twelve title (in extras) last season. Plenty of experience back on offense and mostly upper-class players on the D. Tigers should be better as well having gone 2-0 SU so far after 17-19 record the previous three campaigns and covered 5 of 7 as home ‘dogs, but 3-11 ATS skid against the Top 25 and a mere 23-19 victory over Middle Tennessee State last week does not seem to justify a spread this low...“Wildcat on a Hot Tin Roof” 30 “Real Housewives of Petticoat Junction” 16
San Diego State (+24) over #16 OREGON STATE: Best guess fer “wish we had it back”. Aztecs face second-straight club from “the conference about to be formerly known as the PAC-12" after getting bounced 35-10 at UCLA. Beavers, 11-0 against the number at Reser Stadium the past two years, whacked San Josie (on the road) by 25 to start the year. OSU has an experienced offense and lotsa’ seniors on defense. Points-scored improved in the last three seasons from 28.9 ppg to 32.2 ppg while points-against dropped from 33.3 ppg to 20 ppg in that same period. We might regret foregoing the “under 48” as the contest pairs the two best Red Zone defenses from a year ago. Clemson QB transfer from Clemson is behind center for the host team. Trusting SDSU to be close enuff at the end...Dam-Builders 29 Aztecs 12
#19 Oklahoma (-29) over TULSA: “Danger, danger, Will Robinson!”. Frankly, not sure why this contest even appears here except our concept of simple nationwide inclusivity of conferences. Can’t really make a convincing argument for any of the four choices on this one. Spooners, in second season with HC Brent Venerable at the helm suffered initial overall sub-.500 straight-up season last year in a quarter-century, but are off to 2-0/2-0 beginning, yielding just 11 total points to-date in ‘23. Alright, not completely random selection...Hurricane has a newbie HC and brings back just 5 starters on each side of the ball. Okies garner Phil Steele’s #8 surprise squad and second-best “most-improved” label. Nonetheless, we let coin-flips of the Belarusian ruble, Congolese franc and Kenyan schilling bring us to conclude...Boomer Schooner 45 Tulsa 10
Northwestern @ #21 DUKE (“under 48 ½”): Former Northwestern HC Pat Fitzgerald got kicked to the curb during the offseason in light of hazing accusations. ‘Cats reurn way more production on the stop-squad than on offense following a 1-11 campaign, that saw the only scoreboard triumph as a 31-28 win over a Nebraska team that pocketed just 3 FBS victories in ‘22 and continues to flounder at 0-2 in ‘23. Blue Devils gained recognition by surprising three-TD win over Clemson and has allowed just 14 points thru the first pair of matches. Marc Lawrence points out Duke is 6-0-1 as favorites of more than 9 in Durham and has now covered 9 of 11 nonconference games the past three-plus seasons. Blue Devils points-against tally went down from 39.8 to just north of 22 ppg last year...Duke 29 N-Dub 9
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, facing our own cross-roads of carrying-on or throwin’-in the towel after 28 years of making predictions in one format or another, we cheated, having a tiny flashlight, a box of matches. tea-light candles and a can of Sterno to ward-off the nightmarish creature lurking beneath our mattress. Food and drink (mostly Taco Bell and brewskis) were delivered thru a doggie-door in the entrance to our bedroom in an undisclosed location under the “Frozen Tundra” (though conspiracy-theorists asserted it to actually be somewhere in Area 51 near Las Vegas)! More on this next week.
In July 23, SUNY Morrisville put in a new black turf gridiron. With the lights off during night games, the offense sports glow-in-the-dark unis, making the stadium look like an oversized game of “Asteroids”, while complete darkness on defense leaves opponents to simply guess where the coverage is!
Errata: Last week, we credited Texas QB Quinn Ewers for the Steers near-upset of Alabama in ‘22, but it was actually Hudson Card that led that team following Ewers’ 1st Quarter departure with injury. Our bad.
A projected Top 10/lock fer 1st-Round draft pick prior Nifty Lions-turned-Kentucky quarterback Will Levis got selected in the second-round by Tennessee, who traded up with Arizona, to grab him at #33. Little-known was that the Titans conceded a waterboy, an equipment manager, a 4th-round cheerleader and three Titans’ fans with season tickets at the fitty-yard-line to-be-named-later to get him!
Earlier this month, Subway launched an aerial vessel with a 7-passenger capacity, who are treated to the company’s “new menu” of “meats, cheeses and veggies” while lofting at an altitude of 1000 feet above ground. Said balloon drifted over Kansas City, Missouri last week and is planning flights over Orlando on September 19 and 20 and Miami September 24 thru 26. Vindy petitioned the hoagie-vendor to adjust its “flying restaurant” to hover September 16 on ‘the “Bounce House” when UCF will host Villanova and Miami on September 24 above Hard Rock Stadium when the ‘Fins entertain the Denver Broncos, while just dropping freshly-made sammiches into said-venues. Players might fail to catch passes from their respective quarterbacks, but would be credited for reeling-in catches of hoagies toward their respective 1st-Downs!
Last March, Cardinals starting hurler Adam Wainwright caught his teammates and the crowd off-guard by crooning the National Anthem on Opening Day. Months later, the Fab Forecaster amazed the sportsbook attendees by crooning a medley of covers, including “How Deep is Your Jordan Love?” (Bee Gees), “Sometimes When We Touchdown” (Dan Hill), “In Your Eyes Downfield”, (Peter Gabriel) and “Me and Julio Jones Down by the Schoolyard” (Paul Simon) and “Seasons in Da’ Sun Belt” (Terry Jacks). More from Vindy’s musical repertoire next week!
On the telly, Bryan Cranston, starring as Walter White, steps into da’ box and snaps his Louisville Slugger during a swing at Albuquerque, New Mexico in...”Breaking Bat”!!!!
ICYMI...Vindicator made a few cameo appearances back in May, on the Celebrity Wheel-Route of Fortune gameshow, facing off against such contestants as Vanna “Reggie” White, Wayne “Tom” Brady, Lil Nas “XFL” and Katy “Refrigerator” Perry!
Walk-on Joja’ WR Mekhi Mews, after three receptions for 75 yards and a TD run vs. Tennessee-Martin was nicknamed “Waffle House” by OC Mike Bobo. In related news, Vindy will henceforth be known as “IHOP” based on the frequency with which he’s been “pancake-blocked” by the bookies!
Hooray Fer Da’ Little Guy: Two of our four proposed upsets by I-AA clubs over their I-a foes came through as Idaho dismissed Reno 33-6 and Fordham edged Buffalo 40-37. Also hats off to unranked Southern Illinois (not on our radar) squeaked by Northern Illinois 14-11. Honorable mention to Holy Cross (lost 31-28 at Boston College), Morgan State (went down 24-21 at Akron), New Hampshire (45-42 losers at Central Michigan) and Eastern Washington (on the wrong end of 34-31 score at Fresno State). Our best guess fer this week...#6 Sacramento State over STANFORD.
Black Shirt: This fortnight's “Great Garment” goes to UCLA RB Colson Yankoff fer fumbling at the San Diego State 11 with about nine-and-a-half minutes to play, helping keep the 4th Quarter scoreless with da’ Bruins already up 35-10 to cash our UCLA-Aztecs call of “under 48”!
“Lock of Da’ Week”: Application State’s 40-34 double-OT defeat at North Carolina raises our “lock” record to 1-1 (.500).
Shoppe Talk: We’re pouring the Green Wave down the Shoppe sink after Tulane drops to 0-4 (.000) on the forecast back to last season with bad demise vs. Mississippi State!
Vindy’s Week 3 Best Bets: Last Week: 1-3 (ouch!) Season: 3-5 (.375)
Vanderbilt –4 ½ over UNLV, Indiana-Louisville “under 51 ½”, Northern Illinois +11 over Nebraska, Fresno State-ARIZONA STATE “under 50 ½”
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