MORE DETAILS FROM AIRSPACE INCURSION RELEASED
WASHINGTON, D.C. (BBC)...Originally claiming its balloon that drifted across the northern part of the United States for several days in February was an “accidental” event of a “civilian aircraft lost by incompetent handlers” gathering “weather data” for “meteorological studies”, the Chinese government in Beijing changed its story to suggest it was actually an “early audition” to become a float entry in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade and/or the 2023 Rose Bowl Parade! A further account had the Communist nation proposing (pun intended) that the aerial vessel was simply transporting “romantic couples wanting to get married in the skies ahead of Valentine’s Day”.
Regardless of the upset by Florida, the Tennessee-Gators contest ended up “under 58”, bailing us out late and rescuing a 3-2 (9-6, .600) outing in Week 3 after going 2-2 earlier on the day.
Daring the sergeant-at-arms to eject him for dress code violations, Vindicator hits the Senate floor sporting flannel jammies inscribed with...
THE WEBER KID’S 2023 WEEK 4 FORECAST
(As determined by ChatGPT and easier to find than a missing F-35!)
SAT. SEPT. 23
#4 Florida State (-1 ½) over CLEMSON: Smallish spread implies the lines makers and bettors still aren’t sold on State’s ability to return to glory days and could be “pick ‘em” by kickoff. Tribe’s 31-29 escape from Chestnut Hill and history that shows State hasn’t defeated the Tigers outright since 2014 and hasn’t covered in the past five contests in the series prolly help keep that spread low. All three of the Chop’s games and last pair of Clemson’s melees have finished well-below current total (55 ½), but looking only at this match-up, appears to be on-point. FSU plays its third game away from Tallahassee in the past four weeks. CU rinsed the poor taste of opening loss to Duke by pummeling FCS Charleston Sudden and Florida Atlantic by a collective 114-31. ‘Cats dropped their first game in Death Valley in nearly six years (31-30 vs. South Carolina) to close out the ‘22 regular season...Seminoles 30 Clemson 24
#9 NOTRE DAME (+3 ½) over #6 Ohio State: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. MINOR UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. Buckeyes offense, under new quarterback after CJ Stroud went pro last April, hasn’t been special to-date (the 63 hung on Western Kentucky last week notwithstanding). The defense has allowed just 20 total points over the first three tilts, but against nobody in particular and State has gone 6-6-1 against the spread in its previous 13 tries. Not much to really evaluate the ‘23 version of the Buckeyes yet. Irish have bashed better competition through their first four contests, permitting just less than 12 ppg while dentin’ the scoreboards for at least 41 per contest. Interesting pairing here of the 2nd-and 5th-worst Red Zone stop-squads from ‘22, but both should be better. Irish have covered 8 of past 11 vs. the Top 25 and 15 of last 20 vs. Power Five foes. Buckeyes have won 19 of previous 21 roadies outright but have bested the line in just two of last nine facing ranked opponents. The extra half-point is a bonus in case it comes down to a late kick by the visitor...Our Lady 30 OSU 23
#7 PENN STATE (-15) over #24 Iowa: Pepsi announced (why, exactly, we don’t know) it would produce a limit of 250 colorless cans of soda for this week’s “white-out” game vs. Iowa. Can’t imagine that basically 10 cases of said-beverage makin’ a damn-bit of difference, lost in a sea of white around the stadium. Marketing ploy? Uggggh. More thoughts on this next week. QB Drew Allar will start his 4th contest in the backfield and Birds will be minus three of their best players on offense (to injury), putting a lotta’ pressure on already stellar scoring defense. Total looks about right (41 ½) in combined FBS games thus far. Iowa garnered Phil Steele’s #8 surprise team label in the preseason. Lions have gone 9-4-1 ATS giving points at Beaver Stadium. Nits have dropped the last two to Iowa. We’ll expect them to pull away late against exhausted D...Alma Mater 29 Hawkeyes 10
#19 Colorado @ #10 OREGON (“over 71 ½”): Now we see if Buffaloes’ 3-0 SU record is just an illusion or if Coach Sanders is truly pulling off a miracle resurrection in Boulder. Bison edged TCU and rival Rams, but lose both-ways stalwart Travis Hunter for this one. Nonetheless, laying three scores with the Mallards might be a bit extreme, despite UO having covered 5 of last 6 as home chalk. Bison’s scoring D, averaging north of 30 ppg even accounting for mere 14 posted by hapless Huskers in Week 2, could get shredded by the home-team, currently averaging 46.5 ppg over previous two (ignoring the 81-point outlier vs. I-AA Portland State). We might regret passing up the plus-21, but we don’t think so. Oregon yielded 30 at Texas Tech...Drakes 48 CU 29
#15 Mississippi (+7) over #13 ALABAMA: Be advised. We’re picking against ‘Bama fer the second time in as many chances and we hadda’ slap our own hands while typing this up to not call the upset. Tide’s 128 weeks of ranking in the Top 10 finally fell this week in the wake of a snoozer 17-3 roadie dubya over South Florida. Nick Saban’s teams are not prone to “playin’ possum” ahead of big match-ups, suggesting “the struggle is real” in Tuscaloosa. Old Mist’s 48-23 win was much closer than the final score would indicate. Nonetheless, da’ Rebels are lying in wait. We invoke a frequently-said phrase while assisting in tank gunnery exercises from the control tower in various parts of Germany…“Targets up!”...Pachyderms 25 Rebels 24
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, the helium-inflated vessel was ultimately shot down east of Myrtle Beach with a dart by “some guy with a blow-gun” after the Empire unsuccessfully employed a platoon of Storm-Troopers to do the job!
After leading his club to the game-winning score in OT vs. Colorado State, QB Shedeur Sanders said, “All I was thinking is (Tom) Brady mode.” Likewise, in a nod to Maureen McCormick, our fab forecaster will concentrate on “Brady Bunch mode” and go into this Saturday’s tilts yelling “Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!”
In recognition of the UNLV Running Rebels’ wacky win (now 2-1) over Vanderbilt, we’re reachin' way back into da’ archives of unused “hashmarks” to retrieve this one...In June ‘20, the Hey Reb statue was removed from campus in the wake of BLM protests across the country. Suggestions were solicited to replace the name, logo and motto. We proposed...Barbells (featurin’ SNL weight-lifting characters...Hanz-und-Franz??!!!...“Hey Barb!”), Trebles (“Hey Treb!”), which might speak to shooting the ball from behind the arc or a David Bowie-Weird Al collab called....”Treble, Treble”??!!! Do we hear Puntin’ Pebbles, acknowledging the Flintstones?! (“Hey, Peb!”???!!!)
Bizarre random thought...that awkward moment when Coach calls for a measurement and the Ivy League officiating-crew leaves the chains on the sideline and breaks out the slide-rule!
Continuing our thoughts from Week Three on a certain quarterback’s journey into “eternal wisdom” (as promised) ...Rodgers arose from the 300-square-foot room in which he spent his “darkness retreat” (partially underground and “devoid of light” (Horse-hockey...an anonymous source close to the event said he had access to nominal “illumination devices/options, including a BIC lighter, long-matches, keychain-size flashlight and a tinder-box with steel always at his disposal!) after four days and saw his shadow, accurately predicting six more weeks before the NFL Draft and 17 days before “Selection Sunday” (though, disappointingly, nary a predictive call on the NCAA Tournament champion!). The long-time NFL star was rumored to have gotten at least one Domino’s pizza fer free because the deli very-driver couldn’t find his whereabouts in 30-minutes or less! Our haggard-hero wiled-away the same number of hours beneath the nearby Vegas Golden Knights practice facility and graciously sent a check to Domino’s, to not only cover the cost of Rodgers’ delinquent pizza, but also issuing a generous tip to the driver on the dubious night-in-question!
In April, it came to light, Tom Brady’s daughter may become part of a group of other celeb female offspring in equestrian competition, with ten-year-old Vivian Brady going out fer “show-jumping”. No word yet as to whether the GOAT’s little girl is already training with steeds fitted with deflated horseshoes!
In April, the Seattle Mariners introduced the “Home Run Trident”, akin to college football teams celebratory “turnover chains”, etc. Unfortunately, rookies or recent transfers must dress in merman-costumes for the remainder of the game!
If Humphrey Bogart took bets on football, would we hear...”Of all the sportsbooks in all the casinos in all the Vegas Valley, she walks into mine.”
Following up on our Week Three comments regarding Vindicator’s karaoke-worthy warbling options...we cough-up (literally!)...“Play-Action Pass That Funky Music” [Wild Cherry], “Five Fer Kung-Fu Fighting [Carl Douglas], “The Duke Blue Devil Went Down to Georgia” [Charlie Daniels Band], “Fan Dueling Banjos” [Eric Weissberg & Steve Mandell] and “Wildcats in Da’ Cradle” [Harry Chapin].
If athletes attending schools in Scotland get paid for use of their “NIL”, does it stand for “Name, Image and Loch Ness”??!
Hooray Fer Da’ Little Guy: Our lone call of Sacramento State taking out Stanford proved true, with the Hornets leaving the enemy venue with a 30-23 victory (see our “Black Shirt” segment below). Only three FCS/FBC matches this week and we don’t feel secure choosing any of ‘em (Gardner-Webb @ EAST CAROLINA, Delaware State [Vindy’s old stompin’ grounds for two years ahead of transfer to Happy Valley] @ MIAMI-OHIO and Nicholls @ TULANE...all unranked and voteless in the current FCS Coaches Poll).
Black Shirt: The courageous charcoal camisole for this week goes to Sac State RB Marcus Fulcher fer a 49-yard catch-and-run fer the winning touchdown with about 90 seconds to play at Stanford, realizing our proposed FCS over FBS upset against the Cardinal! If we coulda’ found apparel small enuff, we woulda’ presented very tiny tees to the foreign currency coins that ultimately led us to select Oklahoma –29 over TULSA!
Lock of Da’ Week”: Our preferred pick tally falls to 1-2 (.333) with K-State's upset by Mizzou.
Vindy’s Week 4 Best Bets: Last Week: 2-2 Season: 5-7 (.417)
Arizona @ STANFORD “over 58 ½”, ARKANSAS STATE +6 ½ over SUDDEN MISSED, BOWLING GREEN +12 ½ over Ohio, SOUTH ALABAMA –16 over Central Michigan
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