BIRDS’ SHORT-YARDAGE BLUE-PRINT CATCHES ON
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (UPI)…The Eagles have reportedly all-but-perfected the “tush-push” (also locally known as the “brotherly shove”), in which the quarterback takes the snap and is forced across the line-to-make for a first-down (or touchdown) by two to three large offensive linemen in the backfield. Other NFL teams are starting to mimic that ploy, lining-up in the so-called “ass-mash”, “butt-thrust” or “bun fun” formations. Some clubs, who have been victimized, have made efforts to outlaw the play for “safety reasons”, but supporters say those in opposition simply “don’t have enough beef upfront to pull it off”. Meanwhile, the Vegas Vindicator has also adopted the strategy, placing his wager then getting a trio of the biggest bodies in the sportsbook to propel him from behind across the betting window counter for the spread-win!
We “couldn’t get any good wood on it” (Yeah...that’s what she said!) as Vindy trudged through Week 6, while the college football betting pantheon sent us to our second overall losing weekend at 1-3-1 (16-13-1, .551), conceding no late Saturday night contest rescue and Georgia returned to form, goin’ all-medieval on Kentucky (+14 ½)!
It’s fine! We’re fine! Everything’s fine...in advance of...
THE WEBER KID’S 2023 WEEK 7 FORECAST
(Hopin’ to come back now like da’ McRib!)
SAT. OCT. 14
Indiana @ #2 MICHIGAN (“over 45 ½”): This was the final Week 7 contest we decided upon. Wolverines go to East Lansing next, but that’s no deterrent this year to piling-on lesser opponents. Last three in the series culminated in totals of 59, 36 and 41, but Indy gave up 29 to (GASP!) Akron (???!!) and 44 last Saturday in College Park vs. the Box Tortoises. Marc Lawrence showed returning production of defense as 124th among I-A clubs. UM is dentin’ (as opposed to Denton, Texas for fans of the Mean Green and/or Rocky Horror Picture Show!) da’ boards fer 37.3 ppg, but obliging south of a touchdown per game. Marc Lawrence also has Michigan covering eleven of last dozen ahead of “Little Brother” match...Big Blew 48 Hoosiers 10
UMass @ #6 PENN STATE (-42)(55): No official pick here, but just wanted to mention the Minute Rice has emerged (a bit) from the depths of the past and wonder if the Nits will care with trek to Columbus up next? Lotsa’ State reserves get some snaps. Stay tuned!
#7 WASHINGTON (-3) over #8 Oregon: Each team’s stop-squad is playing well, but with our luck, if we were to go with the “under 68”, this thing would end up being a track-meet. Fifth meeting in six years in which both have been ranked at the time, but initial one in which both are Top Ten. Drakes frittered away a 10-point 4th Quarter lead last year, allowing the Sled Dogs to win as 12-point underdogs 37-34. It was Mallards’ first outright defeat at Eugene in four seasons, adding some fuel to the fire here. Huskies have covered 6 of last 9 as home-chalk while UO is just 3-7 getting points on the road. Marc Lawrence noted Washington has beaten the line in 7 of last 8 at home facing foes off a bye. It’s October and horror movies (or spoofs-thereof) are rampant on the telly! If a Bruce Campbell & the Army of Darkness archer quote meets the Oregon quarterback, do we hear, “I’ll bend my Bo Nix to yer will, Sir!”... Washington 34 Rubber Duckies 27
#12 NORTH CAROLINA (-3 ½) over #25 Miami: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. We also lean slightly toward “over 57”. By now, it’s a well-known fact that Miami should’ve assumed the victory-formation and drained the clock to salt away a sure-dubya vs. Georgia Tech, but for some unknown reason, ran a play that resulted in a (questionable) Wramblin’ Wreck fumble recovery and ultimately a 44-yard Hail Mary score that allowed da’ Bees to steal the triumph. Coach Cristobal, after the game, copped to the “oopsie” (though not personally). Meanwhile, we watched Drake Maye play pitch-and-catch with his receivers in a 40-7 rout of the Orange. ‘Heels have taken each of past two years outings by three points each (45-42 and 24-21). Pelicans, who belted A&M in September, should be inspired to change the straight-up outcome in this one, but the home team with a Heisman candidate quarterback, a coaching advantage and an undefeated tally against a tougher strength-of-schedule has our confidence with a short spread... UNC 35 UM 27
Auburn (+11) over #22 LSU: We were that close to makin’ the dreaded “double-call” (ie. predicting a side and a total...specifically “over 60 ½”), but cooler heads prevailed. Bengals, just one game behind the Tide in the SEC West are first in the conference in points scored (almost twice that of nearest competitor Ole Mist) while ceding highest number of opponents’ points and weathered a yellow-hankie hoedown in 49-39 victory over Mizzou. Auburn, on the other side of the spectrum, has posted only 30 total and yielded 54 in conference play. War Eagle is off a bye following hard-fought 27-20 defeat to Joja’ and per Marc Lawrence, is now 15-6 getting a buffer in SEC contests. Last two years have been close, decided by 5 and 4. Auburn garnered Phil Steele’s #10 Most-Improved Team tag. Tigers were minus-11 in turnover margin in ‘22, but are in the black at plus-2 on the season. Aubie lost respectably by 10 at A&M a week before demise to the ‘Dawgs ahead the week off and figure to get some guys healthy and back on the field fer this one...LSU 30 Those Other Big Cats 24
#23 Kansas (-3) over OKLAHOMA STATE: Heads-up! We changed our first choice here. State is Phil Steele’s #9 Surprise Team, with lotsa’ juniors on offense and a mixed bag on D. ‘Pokes have won on the scoreboard 19 of their last 22 tries in Stillwater, have covered 14 of past 22 conference tilts overall and gone 8-4-1 against the line in last 13 matches vs. the Top 25. KU failed in its first road-fave mode in over a decade, getting by poor Reno team 31-24 laying 28 ½ in mid-September. Jayhawks only SU loss came vs. Texas (no shame in that) and will prolly be without their starting quarterback but boast the 6th-best rushing game in the country, using a version of the triple-option. Blue Birds have played a tougher schedule. The coin liked State 4 times in 5 tosses. Screw da’ coin...Azure Avians 34 Cowboys 24
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW...our prestigious prognosticator, unable to claim the “tush-push” as his own due to copyright issues, has elected to refer to his similar plan as...da’ “glute-scoot” (Casino announcers often fire-up the Run-DMC classic “Vindy Got Back” during the events-in-question!).
Harkening back to our Week 6 comments on the ability of ‘Bama’s head coach to “cut a rug”...It’s a little-known fact that Nick Saban actually stepped-in to spell such stars as Patrick Swayze in “Footloose” and alongside Chris Farley in the SNL classic Chippendales skit. Also givin’ John Travolta a break in “Saturday Night Fever” and “Pulp Fiction”. He rested Gene Kelly in “Singin’ in the Rain”, Michael Jackson in “Thriller”, Lil’ Nell in “Rocky Horror Picture Show”. Coach also knows how to “Walk Like an Egyptian”, do the “Disco Duck”!!!!, “boogie”, “trip the light fantastic”, waltz, “the Fandango” and “Get jiggy wit’ it!” Who knew Coach was “light on his feet”??!!
We won’t publish our next set of picks before kickoff of this one, so we’ll proactively announce the Week 8 “crappy game of the week”...Florida International (on 0-3 SUATS slide) @ I-A newcomer SAM HOUSTON STATE (0-6 SU, 3-3 ATS, 1-3 spread skid) on Thursday, October 18.
Considering the Miami Dolphins 70-20 humiliation of the Denver Broncos back in September, we wonder if the NFL might implement some sorta’ “10-run mercy rule” akin the one often found in softball leagues???!!!
Last July, LA Angels two-way star Shonei Ohtani abruptly departed his team’s contest in San Diego, not long ahead of the annual All-Star match, sufferin’ a blister on his finger. The PA announcer wasted no time queuing up Dire Straits’ hit “Money fer Nuthin” as he left the diamond. And would further taunt the hurler with the ending lyrics of the Beatles’ “Helter Skelter”, emphasizing “I got blisters on my fingers”!!!!
NHL players have already taken the ice in earnest, prompting us to introduce the first member of our 2023 All-Vindicator Hockey Team...
Goalie- Winston “Where’s Waldo” Waldinski: Harvard (Reportedly!) Junior (Uh...so we’ve heard!) 5’10” 160 (according to his player’s profile on Facebook). Hometown: Kingston, Jamaica (We think! Never been spotted there!) Major: Counter-Intelligence Studies. Known to don uniforms of red and white stripes regardless of home or away games to blend-in with the goal barber-pole net and posts. Big Red coaches often have to search for him during practices despite the fact that he’s already on the ice sporting similar-colored pads and stick!
If a series about World War II on HBO meets a Hall-of-Fame NJ Devils’ goalie, is it “Band of Martin Brodeurs” ???!! (Raise yer hand if yer old enuff to remember the net-minder-in-question!)
If the good guys in the Star Wars movie series played rugby vs. the Evil Empire, would there be reference to ...“Rebel scrum”?
Included in Vindy’s online dating profile...”Enjoys long, romantic walks through the sportsbook to the betting window”.
Hooray Fer Da’ Little Guy: W&M lost by double-digits at Virginia (though it was a one-possession game until about the 11-minute mark in the 4th Quarter). Kudos to Howard fer hangin’ around enuff fer mere 23-20 demise at Northwestern. No FCS-FBS pairings on the schedule this weekend.
“Wish We Had It Back”: We correctly identified Texas-Oklahoma “under 60 ½” as the “wish” pick, suffering the Sooners TD that would propel the total “over” with seconds left.
Black Shirt: This week’s “magnificent mid-riff" goes to TAMU WR Noah Thomas for committing a holding penalty that erased an Aggies TD from the ‘Bama 2-yard-line that woulda’ potentially pulled A&M to within 26-24 (pending a successful point-after) leading to a FG with 2:58 to play in 26-20 loss to the Tide (-1 ½), our lone accurate prediction!
“Locked in a Box”: Last Week: 0-1 as Kentucky got pasted by Joja’, lowering our “lock” tally to 3-3 (.500) on the year.
Shoppe Talk: Among the Shoppe lunch-specials...Bulldog Bearnaise with UGA now 2-5 (.285) back to last year and Seared Steers (Texas currently 1-4 [.200] in its last five appearances!)
Vindy’s Week 7 Best Bets: Last Week: 2-2 Season: 9-15 (.375). Go! Run! Save yerselves!
ARMY +5 ½ over Troy, MARYLAND –14 over Illinois, Wyoming +10 ½ over AIR FORCE, Boise State @ COLORADO STATE “over 61 ½”
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