WRECKED AWARD SALVAGED AHEAD OF CEREMONY
LAS VEGAS, Nevada (ITAR-Tass)...Last July, after the Vegas Golden Knights won the Stanley Cup, the Las Vegas Review-Journal began running an ongoing article entitled “Where’s Da’ Cup?” to track its locations, players and “activities”. As a former military intelligence officer, the Vegas Vindicator, staying one-step ahead of local reporters, under the cover of darkness, not only had his name covertly engraved on the underside of the trophy, but also absconded with hockey’s “Holy Grail” across the Atlantic to Grafenwöhr, Germany, where the also-former armor platoon leader took a selfie with the hallowed hardware atop an M1A1 Abrahms main battle tank during annual gunnery exercises. Unfortunately, miscommunications led the tank crew to load the coveted prize into the breach and fire it down-range against a moving Zamboni. The shot was on-point, but the Cup sustained considerable damage upon impact. The fragments were, however, recovered and welded to recreate Lord Stanley’s namesake in time for the “Misfits’” banner-raising festivities during the October 10 opener at T-Mobile Arena.
We managed a slight improvement to at least break-even in Week Seven, ending up at 2-2-1 (17-14-2, .548).
“Gettin' some fresh guys over the boards” and lightin’ the lava-lamp with...
THE WEBER KID’S 2023 WEEK 8 FORECAST
(“Puck around and find out!”)
SAT. OCT. 21
#7 Penn State (+4 ½) over #3 OHIO STATE: Spoiler alert...UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. The Alma Mater soundly shellacked the Minutemen 63-0 (second highest margin-of-victory in school history) and still dropped a notch in the AP Poll (those bastards!) for its efforts. That was, of course, courtesy of then-#7 UDUB hangin’ on vs. then-#8 Ducks, so we won’t whine too loudly. First ‘dog role for the Nits in a dozen contests and have reeled off four straight spread-wins after ATS loss vs. West Virginia in the opener. Match-up of the 2nd- and 3rd-best scoring defenses in the country (Lions yielding 8 ppg, OSU giving up 9.7 ppg, behind only the Wolverines [6.7 ppg]). Buckeyes are 3-1-1 against the line and 4-0 “under”. The Alma Mater has toppled 4 Top 25 opponents in past 11 chances, covering 5. Scarlet & Grey has gone 2-7-1 ATS in last 10 vs. ranked foes. Lions haven’t bested Ohio State since 2016 and haven’t departed Columbus with a dubya since 2011. Time to change the narrative...Penn State 23 Bucks 20
#16 Duke (+14) over #4 FLORIDA STATE: As previously-mentioned, Dukies did us a solid, bringin’ home a “lock” win, losing against Our Lady by 7 as 6 ½ ‘dogs earlier. Duke waxed NC State 24-3 last week, while the Seminoles pounded Syracuse 41-3. Surprisingly, the Blue Devils are consenting to just south of 10 ppg (4th nationally), State ain’t bad at 18.3 ppg. Duke is #8 in pass-yardage allowed at 164.7 ypg while FSU is about further down the list at 221.5 ypg. In the favor of da’ Noles, Demons lean a tad more to the turf, averaging a little shy of 200 rush yards per contest and play in just second roadie on the year. Tribe is undefeated amidst its resurgence, beat the line in 4 of 6 and 5-1 “over”, including coughing up 29 to defensively-minded Boston College in mid-September. Homecoming in Tallahassee. Countin’ on the Blue Beelzebubs to ride a nominal ground game advantage long enuff...Da’ Chop 29 Hell’s Belles 24
#17 Tennessee (+8 ½) over #11 ALABAMA: Neither team carries much momentum into this one after going Matrix-mode and dodging bullets last Saturday, as Vols got by the Aggies 20-13 on the strength of a 3rd Quarter punt-return for TD and not converting late downs inside Aggies’ side-of-da'-field during a penalty party, while Pachyderms basically wasted an 18-point advantage in the 3rd Quarter to squeak by the Soooey Pigs 24-21. ‘Bama had Rocky Top’s number since 2016 until dropping a 52-49 firefight in ‘22. UT finds itself getting points for the first time this season. ‘Bama is an uninspiring 4-3 ATS to-date. Tide has gone up against a stronger strength-of-schedule, but grabbing more than a touchdown here is attractive. Volunteers did rush well vs. A&M run-stoppers giving up only 84 ypg on the turf. An outright win might come down to Tennessee’s pass D against ‘Bama’s O-Line. Vols have registered 24 sacks, 4th-best nationally, while Alabama has conceded 31 sacks, #126 in the country. In June, Tide-commit receiver Ryan Williams quipped Nick Saban will continue to lead ‘Bama “until he croaks over’”. Officials overseeing the TCU Horned Toads did not return Vindy’s calls fer comment! Don’t be shocked by an upset...Tuscaloosa Tusks 27 Coon-Skin Caps 24
#14 Utah @ #18 USC (“under 54 ½”): Best guess fer “Wish We Had It Back” as our second choice was Utes +7 (see our predicted score below). After collecting six straight wins (4 of which came vs. San Josie, Nevada-Reno, Stanford and Arizona State...collectively pocketing five conquests in twenty-five endeavors on the year), Trojans got Godsmacked 48-20 last week by the Catholics in South Bend. The Lincoln Riley-Caleb Williams has gone okay, with 17 wins in 21 contests (though last season’s bowl-loss against Tulane prolly didn’t sit well!), but USC has beaten the line in just of the previously-noted six and lost last two years to Utah (by 18 and 1). Last three years have shown totals of 50, 68 and 85. All but one of USC’s seven tilts games have finished well-above this total (66 or more) but no opponent has been a defensive brick-wall. Utes have gove 4-1 “under”, facing UCLA, Wazzou and Oregon State, with none ending above 48 (and only the Beavers scoring more than 14). Marc Lawrence noted Troy Boys have covered 7 of 8 with 12-PAC revenge lining up across from a foe off a SU/ATS triumph. In May, a pair of SoCal student journalists got a trip to the local police station after pilfering two NFL Draft first round pick jerseys. The wanna-be newspaper reporters didn’t face jail time but did have to don the gear during the first day of summer practice and line-up without pads against the players whose unis were stolen! We’re guessin’ that left a bruise! ...Utah 30 Wooden Horses 21
#22 Air Force @ NAVY (“over 34 ½): LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Bottom continues to fall outta’ this total. We thank the Flight Platoon for falling into a two-touchdown deficit against Wyoming to cash our only successful “best bet” of Week 7. Aim High recorded blowouts in ‘20 and ‘21, but edged the Boat People just 13-10 last year. Pilots have posted 34 or more points in 5 of 6 contests so far and are on 4-0 “over” run, with only total coming in below vs. Sam Houston State 13-3. Navy has been all over the place in terms of points-scored, points-allowed and 3-2 “under” (though 4 of 6 have finished well-beyond this total). The return of 18 starters has not really translated into victories (3-3 outright at the moment). Ensigns have fallen by DD just twice (spread is Iron Eagle -10 as we go to press), but one of those was 44-30 at now 3-4 South Florida. While Navy is traditionally one of the top rushing programs in the nation, Air Force, the top rushing yardage team in the league, is averaging about 100 more yards per game on the ground. Seriously low total suggests the popularly called “rock fight”...with dueling trebuchets in the process, but if USAF protects the pigskin (Navy is 3rd nationally in TO margin at +9)
...Maltese Falcons 34 “It’s Not Just a Job, It’s a Poseidon Adventure” 20
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, ahead of the illicit misappropriation, the oversized goblet also endured being a birdbath, a movable piece on a giant chessboard, a target in several rounds of Quarters/Beer Pong, a temporary goldfish bowl, the helmet of a nerdy Dungeons & Dragons adventurer and an upside-down cookie-cutter on an episode of the Food Network's Holiday Baking Championship!
On a more serious note, Happy Valley alumni have joined forces with breweries across the Keystone State to create “Buckeyes Tears IPA”, which sports a cryin’ Brutus Buckeye on the label. No doubt, this will provide bulletin board material in Columbus ahead of this week’s clash. Let’s just hope Scarlet & Gray alumni and Ohio breweries don’t get the opportunity to counter-bottle “Nittany Lions Lamentations” lager after the game!
The officiating crew at the Colorado-Stanford game reportedly almost flagged the Buffaloes’ PA announcer fer playing music during Cardinal snaps. The tunes-in-question featured such “performers” as Nickelback, Justin Bieber and Yoko Ono!
Second Crappy Game of da’ Week: Charlotte (0-5 in I-A play) @ EAST CAROLINA (also 0-5 in FBS contests and 0-5 ATS)! (Loyal readers remember we proactively in Week 7 named Florida International @ SAM HOUSTON STATE for this prestigious title!)
Just wonderin’...Where does the “piggyback” line-up on da’ field???!!!
Last March, Detroit Lions HC Dan Campbell, speaking on the NFL Combine said “You grade them off tape, you don’t grade them off somebody out here in pajamas.” To which Vin responded “Horse Hockey” and invited...nay....dared ....candidates for his 2023 Preseason Forecasting Team to attend interviews sporting not only jammies, but also nighties, long-johns, other sleep-wear and (gasp!) commando!
A FOX announcer during the Eagles-NY JETS contest noted “we haven’t mentioned the ‘tush-push’” and made reference to “Fight Club”. His partner-in-the-booth followed up, saying somethin’ akin to “The first rule of ‘tush-push’ is you don’t talk about ‘tush-push’.”
The plainish, dark colors of both leagues’ uniforms ahead of the June All-Star game in Seattle suggested they had been dragged around the diamond dirt-infield by grounds-crews before and in-between innings. AL was short for “Appalling League” while NL was “Nazgul League” (LOTR fans think Isengard field a club vs. Mordor!). The drab and dingy appearance spurred many a fan (including us) to yearn for the return of wearing each individual team outfit! Would those lead to confusion about which side was batting and which side was fielding???!!
This week’s featured member of the 2023 All-Vindicator Hockey Team...
Defenseman- Adam “Atomic” Bahm: University of Joliet Penitentiary. Sophomore parolee. 6’1” 200. Hometown: Ft. Wayne, Indiana. Major: Nuclear Physics. Passes up multiple opportunities to cross-check in favor of drawing holding penalties by giving “wedgies” to opponents getting too close to his “Frigidaires” goalie teammate in the blue-paint!
A newly-passed law last summer set-aside for $1.2 million toward “cloud-seeding” in da’ Silver State. Vindy’s Picks won’t directly cause the much-needed rain, but will generation of bettors’ teardrops on a regular-basis count (askin’ fer a friend!)??!!!
“Wish We Had It Back”: We’d like a mulligan after changing our initial choice on Kansas –3 over OKLAHOMA STATE and ignoring the coin that favored State four times in five flips!
Black Shirt: This week’s galactic garment goes to Quack Attack K Camden Lewis fer missin’ a 43-yard FG as time expired at UDUB, which woulda’ sent the game to extras and a potential forecast “L”, instead solidifying a “push”. Honorable mention to Ducks’ QB Bo Nix for throwin’ consecutive incompletions from the Washington 25 that led to the botched FG-in-question!
“Locked in a Box”: Last Week: 1-0 UNC (-3 ½) won by DD over the Hurricons, lifting the lock tally to 4-3 (.571)!
Vindy’s Week 8 Best Bets: Last Week: 1-3 Season: 10-18 (.357...great for a Magnum, but not-so-great for betting predictions!). Still in concussion protocol, but we propose...
MIAMI-OHIO +2 over Toledo, Utah State @ SAN JOSIE STATE “over 66 ½”, Texas Christian @ KANSAS STATE “under 59”, UL-LAFAYETTE –3 over Joja’ State
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