QUARTERBACK’S LIVING SPACE TURNS BACK TIME
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (TMZ)...It has come to light that Eagles’ back-up QB Gardner Minshew has been willingly (and happily) residing in a converted correctional-facility bus very close to his nearby work-out venue. Minshew’s interior feng-shui reflects the 1970’s, including tapered candles atop wine bottles, chains made of pop-tops and bubble-gum wrappers, bongs, black-light posters, a water-bed, wood-paneling, bean-bag chairs, a bottle of “Gee, Yer Hair Smells Terrific” shampoo, a pet rock, Mexican jumping beans, embroidered bell-bottom jeans in the closet, Star Wars actions figures on the shelves, disaster films on Beta-max. Queried by media about his off-field home, Minshew quipped...”Free Love! Free Downs!” and “Grass, gas or pass...nobody rides fer free!”
Not only did our cadence-shift fail to draw da’ bookies into “offside” flags, it lulled our predictions into “false starts”! We’re having our Styrofoam bicycle helmet dry-cleaned as we speak to prevent further blunt-force trauma after our Week 11 results of 2-3 (26-27-2, .490). A wise warrior (or at least Aragorn from Lord of Da’ Rings) once advised us to “Expect no 4th-Quarter, for none shall be given.”
Wearing a wristband and scripting our first fifteen picks (yeah, yeah...we grew up with Sesame Street’s Count Von Count and realize there will be only nine choices (Maybe! See below!) for...
THE WEBER KID’S 2022 WEEK 12 FORECAST
(Which “coulda’ been a pretenda’...er...um...contenda’!”)
SAT. NOV. 19
Illinois @ #3 MICHIGAN (“over 41”): LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Gotta’ figure the whole “recency-effect”-thing kickin’-in here (Michigan –18 and “under”) for da’ public as Illini fell and ‘Rines demolished the Corn Meal. Does anyone truly know “how the west was won”???!!! The clubs compiling said-division of da’ B1G Tanning Booth apparently don’t! A quad of teams is tied “atop” the conference at (gasp!) 4-3 (and da’ Badgers are only a contest-behind at 3-4). Yes, Illini have faltered in back-to-back tries subsequent to 7-0 start. Michigan is outscoring conference opponents 35.4 ppg to 13.5 ppg but will pile-on in this one to maintain/improve position in the playoff rankings. Illini are still young on D-line and allowed 35 to Nebraska, 38 vs. Da' Spartans and 55 versus Purdue! UM has mecca to Columbus next. UI posting 22 ppg away from Champagne and Big Blue’s busting lightbulbs in Ann Arbor at north of 59 ppg...Michigan 38 University of Ivermectin 16
Alabama-Birmingham @ #6 LSU (“under 52 ½”): Smokin’ da’ 5-5 SU Blazers (3-4 CUSA and about to become 5-6 overall), having their worst season since six-defeat FBS campaign in 2014) ain’t really gonna’ buy the Bengals any cred toward the playoffs when four of the five clubs higher in those rankings are expected to cruise against “better-quality” opponents this weekend. (Oddly, TCU is short-chalk [-3] at Baylor, [though would prolly be replaced by a triumphant Tennessee over South Carolina in the event Tadpoles stumble]). LSU is 6-2-1 “under”. Only two opponents have reached more than 21 vs. the Dragons. UAB points-scored are all over the place. The Blazer O, full of upperclassmen, may not even hit the board this week, but we’ll conservatively call it...Tygahs 34 Blazers 6
#7 Southern Cal (-2) over #16 UCLA: “Over 77” not a bad call either with last three years showing totals of 87, 81 and 95, though Bruins have only a pair of contests ending above this number and SoCal just four. Playing last Friday, the “Large, Wooden Horses” got an additional day to rest and prep. Nonetheless, more pesos have been plunked down on Da’ Bruins (and da’ “over”...more on that shortly!). A win here might accomplish two things...allow Troy to leapfrog LSU fer #6 in the playoff rankings and temporarily stifle doubters of HC Lincoln Riley (admittedly, we are/were/still watchin’...one of ‘em). USC ground-game took a hit with injury to leading rusher Travis Dye but spread might be an over-adjustment to his absence. RB2 Austin Jones has a third of Dye’s scores, more than a third of Dye’s rushing yards on less than a third of Dye’s carries #24 nationally!). Caleb Williams has over 3000 passing yards and 31-2 pass TD-to-INT ratio. Still scratchin’ our head about Bruins’ 34-28 loss vs. AZ...USC 44 UCLA 37
Austin Peay @ #8 ALABAMA: No line. Governors are unranked in the FCS Poll but earning 9 votes. Check’s in da’ mail from Tuscaloosa to da’ SEC schedule-maker!
#22 Cincinnati @ TEMPLE (“under 53”): Tulane bashed SMU yesterday, so style-points here won’t likely improve Cincy’s chances of being the highest-ranked Group-of-Five club fer a New Year’s Six bowl. In addition, bad weather coming in from the Great Lakes and Buffalo areas won’t be conducive to either offense. UC regains a Top 25 spot after wins over East Carolina and Navy. Temple, already in college hoops mode, opened 5-1 “under” but recently have gone 4-1 “over” with just two finals above 53 and at 3-7 outright have nothing to play for (though have put four straight covers in the books fer those who might consider taking +15 ½). Birds are 22nd-worst in points-scored at 21.4 ppg. Conversely, Bearkats are permitting only that same number to opponents...Cincinnati 27 Barnyard Fowl 9
#24 Oklahoma State (+7 ½) over OKLAHOMA: Last July, Sophie Turner (AKA Sansa Stark fer those not familiar with Game of Thrones) was caught on film sportin’ a Cowpokes rugby jersey! Good enuff fer us! QB transfer from UCF Dillon Gabriel has not adequately filled the void left by Caleb Williams with Spooners wobbling at 2-4 in the Big Twelve (and with Golden Knights’ current proximity to a New Year’s Six bowl, we wonder if Gabriel loses any sleep at night for that decision!). Cowboys have gone “under” three straight times after going “over” in five of initial half-dozen tilts to start the season. Perhaps some revenge factor is in play, after State’s Bedlam win last year, following six straight losses to Boomer Schooner, gave it a berth in the conference championship. Just can’t lay the points here. Also unable to get a convincing-grip on the total (66 ½) one way or the other. Upset is not outta’ da’ question, but in light of our record for calls of that type to-date, we’ll say...Oklahoma 31 Stillwater Vaqueros 29
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, Gardner’s vehicle is, of course, adorned with the retro-classic bumper-sticker assertin’ “If this team bus is rockin’, don’t bother knockin’!” More thoughts next week!
1994-95 All-Terror Football Team:
LB Juan Martinez Lopez “Duke” Aranchez-Hernandez del Rio: Cincinnati University of Fine Arts. Freshman. 7’0” 409. Hometown: Corpus Christi, Texas. Major: Charcoal Drawing. Penalized for “un-necessary roughness” and “unsportsmanlike-conduct” for bludgeoning a Vassar College running back with his helmet 156 times after the play was blown dead. Said “Duke”...”I was meerly cleeeening my cheeeenstrap, when eeet suddenleee went off!!”. Voted by his Golden Armature teammates as “most likely to have his own syndicated underground cartoon”. Injured in a freak farming accident as a child, a piece of the tractor is still lodged in his head.
1994-95 All-Terror Hockey Team:
Wing: Sherman “Bankshot” Schutter: University of Gnome. Senior. 5’1: 185. Hometown: Dayton, Ohio. Major: Physics. Good speed. Excellent passer. Intentionally fires the pucks at opponents in the penalty box. Had 14 goals on ricochets off the glass last season for the Iditarods. Has only six-bank goal in NCAA hockey history.
Defenseman: Gilbert “Paddlewheel” Picarde: University of New Brunswick-Scranton. Junior. 6’11” 345. Hometown: St. Paul, Minnesota. Major: Physical Rehabilitation. Solid skater with ambidextrous ability. Plays with two sticks and spins pirouettes in front of his goal to deflect shots away from the Terrible Tundra net, but occasionally deflects them past his own “backstop”!
Now that the Philly bEagles have hung one in the “L”-column, Vegas sportsbooks and da’ ‘72 Miami Dolphins can put-down the Tums and sleep at night!
Last Sunday, German locals broke-into a rousing-version of “Take Me Home, Country Roads” at the Tampa Bay-Seattle NFL contest at Allianz Arena (Why...is another question fer another day). Officials at West Virginia seized the opportunity to fly those fans across the Great Pond to Morgantown ahead of this week’s Mountaineers’ game vs. Kansas State!
Elton John, during his current “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” final tour, met pleased hockey-fans with his rendition of “The Face-Off Circle of Life”!!!
This week on the big screen, Marvel Comics meets the NCAA Tournament in...”Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of March Madness”!!!
On the diamond...we’re just wonderin’...if a Hall-of-Fame NY Yankees catcher leads a group in physical, mental and spiritual exercises, involving a certain farm-animal, is “Goat Yogis”???!!!
During the May lacrosse match between Rutgers and #14 Harvard, broadcasters referenced the Scarlet Knights “Thunder Road offense” (alluding to Bruce Springsteen’s [a native of Asbury Park, New Jersey] album title fer the uninitiated), who jumped out to a 6-1 edge over the Crimson. Following a Rutgers’ goal-save, they offered another song-lyric...”Show a little faith, there’s magic in the night.” However, RU’s D faltered a bit, allowing a mere 7-5 lead into halftime, spurring yer humble host to complete the stanza-in-question, crooning...”You ain’t a cross-check-and-a-beauty, but hey, yer allllriiiight.”
Revisiting last week’s comments on the results of certain language uttered by a certain Akron player, we found that “A Christmas Story” debuted in the cinema on this date in 1983, leading us to mumble “Oh, fudddddddge.”, then just fall on our sword and shove a bar of Irish Spring into our own mouth (“Manly, yes! And Vin likes it too!”).
We received an “urgent” text earlier this week on our celly from somebody claiming to represent PepsiCorp offering us $500 dollah per fortnight to bear the company logo on our KIA Soul gangsta’ hamsta’-mobile. We counter-offered to do so if said-vendor would be willing to print links to Vindy’s Picks on each can and bottle of its signature-soda! No reply since. We think they ghosted us!
Black Shirt: Da’ coveted charcoal-colored cloth is presented to Froggies’ RB Kendre Miller fer the 75-yard TD scamper vs. Texas that brought home our first “upset pick” prediction in 10 tries!
“Lock of Da’ Week”: The Pontoon Platoon (+17), down big early, finished a shootout within in a trey of Our Lady to hoist the “lock” tally to 7-4 (.636)!
“Wish We Had It Back”: As usual, we called it! We’re ruing not tossing the coin a 26th time as the originally-noted 25 landed on layin’ about a dozen with the Mallards over UDUB instead takin’ the “under 72 ½" in the aftermath of the Huskies’ 37-34 upset of Oregon!
Shoppe Talk: The lunch menu at said-venue has duck-fricassee on special with the previously-mentioned Drakes now at 0-4 back to last season!
Vindy’s Week 12 Best Bets: Last Week: 1-3 Season: 22-22 (.500, which is a great achievement in baseball and basically acceptable in the NFL, but a losing proposition when wagering on sports!)
NC State +3 ½ over LOUISVILLE, UConn @ ARMY “under 43 ½", RICE +13 ½ over Texas-San Antonio, SOUTHERN MISS +7 ½ over South Alabama. BONUS COVERAGE: With six more picks on our wristband...if ya’ like high-scoring games, fuhgeddabout deese...UL-Monroe @ TROY “under 48”, Syracuse @ WAKE FOREST “under 55 ½, Colorado State @ USAF “under 43 ½”, LIBERTY –10 over Virginia Tech, Western Kentucky @ AUBURN “under 52 ½, Stanford @ CAL “under 46 ½ “.
Until next week, we take a few liberties with a quote from Miami, Florida HC Mario Cristobal and proclaim...”A bettor is free and welcome to pick up their team if they’re not happy with its forecast time!”
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