“PLUMBING” PROBLEM VEXES NFL TEAM
LANDOVER, Maryland (CNN)…The showers in the visitors’ locker room at FedEx Field were suspiciously “out-out-of-order" immediately following the Giants’ 31-19 triumph over the host Washington Commanders. Unable to locate so much as a standard garden hose to clean-off a bit of the game-residual, New York players were forced to load what an anonymous TSA agent called their “goat-smelling asses” into the cargo section of the plane home while coaches, staffers and reserves not appearing in the contest enjoyed first-class accommodations. Meanwhile, in-flight snacks and beverages were lowered down via dumb waiters, sparing attendants the discomfort of exposure to the smelly athletes. The aircraft crew eventually expressed relief that the journey was not a cross-country trip. The NFL has initiated an investigation into the sudden and unprecedented post-game “utilities issue”.
In Week 12, we slogged our way to another 1-4 (23-33-3, .410; 6-19 [.240 downward spiral]). Medic!!!!!!
It’s “rivalry week” and we’re handin’ da’ reins to Miss Nicaragua Sheynnis Palacios, recently crowned “Miss Universe”, because she has a better chance to make the correct calls than we do backing...
THE WEBER KID’S 2023 WEEK 13 FORECAST
(Losing badly in the “swimsuit competition”!)
FRI. NOV. 24
Texas Christian (+10 ½) over #13 OKLAHOMA: Barring the unlikely occurrence of Oklahoma State falling to BYU in Stillwater and Kansas State losing in Manhattan vs. the “Battlestar Galactica” Cylons of Iowa State, 6-2 in Big 12 contests, Spooners have naught to play for except bowl-positioning and revenge for ‘22 blow-out demise 55-24 by the Horny Toads. Frog-Legs, 2-5 SU in last seven contests overall (3-4 ATS), are on a short week here, but have been defeated by two touchdowns just once on the year and nearly took out now #7 Longhorns three weeks ago (losing just 29-26). Eight of Polliwogs’ previous ten have gone “under 63” (today’s total), just sayin’. Takin’ the Tadpoles and da’ points...OK 31 TCU 24
#23 Toledo @ CENTRAL MICHIGAN (“over 55 ½”): Givin’ da’ MAC’s first foray into da’ rankings all season a little “forecast fondness”. Rockets have a commanding three-game lead in the conference West, one loss overall (barely faltering 30-28 at Illinois) and ten consecutive victories since then. CMU is on 1-6 ATS slide. Spaceships, despite 16 returning starters, have covered just 3 of their last 9. No way do we pick a side here. The USCSS Nostromo (if yer not familiar with “Alien”, Google it!) has ended 5 of last 7 this number, as have the Chippies in last three contests. Central Michigan is allowing north of 34 ppg. Mudhens are denting the boards for north of 37 ppg while gifting 22.3 ppg. Invoking Elton John for a second straight week in da’ picks, we croon...”Burning out their fuse up there alonnnne” 40 CMU 23
SAT. NOV. 25
#2 Ohio State @ #3 MICHIGAN (“over 46 ½”): UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK. Second choice fer “lock”. Each side has faced only one defensive juggernaut...in both cases, our Alma Mater, whose offense is still a work-in-progress under young quarterbacks Drew Allar and Beau Pribula. Having said that, Michigan has accommodated only 9 ppg, Ohio State just 9.5 ppg. Both teams are accomplished on offense. Big Blue has not suffered from the game-day sideline absence of Jimmy H., though surrendered a season-high 24 points to da’ Box Turtles in mere touchdown victory last Saturday. State smashed the Terps by 20 earlier in the campaign. UM became the first NCAA program to tally 1K in wins with that triumph over Maryland. A close defeat may not automatically scratch the loser from playoff contention. Michigan has won last two years, 42-27 and 45-23, not falling in the Big House in 20 straight contests. State has taken 13 of last 14 on the road. That loss?...in Ann Arbor in ‘21. Bucks took the 2019 edition 56-27. Relying on history, revenge and State’s win at South Bend in pocket, we say...”It’s all fun and games until someone loses a Buckeye!...“Straight Outta’ Columbus” 29 Wolverines 27
#8 Alabama (-15) over AUBURN: We also lean toward the “over 49”. Tide, off a glorified scrimmage in 66-10 “game” versus Tennessee-Chattanooga, at #8 in the playoff rankings, has a snowflake’s chance to make the final four, but needs some serious help. Best it can do within its own control is pummel the Tigers here then surpass Joja’ in the conference championship (‘Bama has already secured a spot in said contest). Big Al has faced five DD-spreads on the year, covering three of ‘em. Tigers, 6-5 outright due to a mid-season four game slump, inexplicably got flattened 31-10 by (GASP!) New Mexico State. (Shout-out to 2nd year HC Jerry Kill, who’s brought the Aggies back from the dead at 9-2 SU as we speak!). ‘Bama’s taken last three in the series by 29, 2 (last time in the Plains) and 22. Auburn’s average final score in SEC play is 25-24. Tide’s is 34-19 ½. If Pachyderms can keep QB Jalen Milroe upright (tied for 11th most times sacked [33]), Coach Saban won’t be afraid to pile-on! “Roll …Typing Pool” 43 War Beagle 20
#9 LOUISVILLE (-7) over Kentucky: LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. (Heads-up! This was not our original selection fer “lock”). We also like the “over 50 ½”. Da’ Ville outscored Da’ U 15-3 in the final stanza (leaving Miami Gardens with a dubya for the first ever), under first year HC Jeff Brohm, to solidify a berth in the ACC Championship match. Cards have dropped four straight games (rather badly) to KY. There are lotsa’ funky scenarios out there that could put Louisville in the National Title contest (as miniscule as they are and would constitute the NCAA equivalent of “Armageddon”! Meanwhile, if nuthin’ else, the annual Governor’s Cup trophy and possible Louisville NY6 Bowl berth is on the line. Bluegrass Kitties, covering 11 of last dozen vs. non-SEC opponents per Marc Lawrence are hittin’ the road fer 3rd time in 4 weeks and suffered hard 17-14 defeat at South Carolina last week. ‘Cats opened 5-0 SU over no one special prior to losing 5 of last 6. Cards’ five of past seven ended “beyond 50 ½". Four of KY’s last 6 have done similarly. One final statistical comparison…Birds have thrown for 20 pass TDS vs. 10 picks. Felines have defended for 18 TDs and 10 INTs. ‘Nuff said... Cardinals 38 Kentucky 21
BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS
BTW, TSA agents at both departing and arriving airports hurriedly ushered players through security checkpoints then sprayed cans of Febreze before returning to their usual duties! No truth to da’ rumor that da’ pilot taunted the odorous passengers by broadcasting Phoebe Buffay’s “Smelly Cat” over the PA-system! More on this one next week.
Continuing last week’s commentary on the Stripe-Out game...Billy Joel coulda’ taken “a Greyhound on the Hudson River Line” across the Pennsylvania border and into Beaver Stadium and assumed a “seat” at the illusionary piano to play such hits as “Goodnight Saquan”, “Team Captain Jack”, “We Didn’t False Start Da’ Fire”, “The Longest Time-Out", “Quarterback Pressure” and “Tell Her Coach About It”! Elton John coulda’ closed-out the musical set with a rousing version of “Durban Deep Down Field”!
The Nittany Lion mascot was decked out as Napoleon Dynamite during the Michigan game, sporting a ginger hair-do similar wig and a “Vote Fer Pedro” tee-shirt. We hope he’ll carry-over that outfit to the Alma Mater’s hoops season to inspire “sweet jumps”!
Utes QB Cam Rising will be back in Salt Lake City for a seventh straight year of college next season. Counselors are highly encouraging Rising to actually declare a major before that happens!
If Food Network Paula Deen star lines up under center fer Da’ Iggles on a short-yardage play, do we see “ a stick of butterly shove”???!!!
Back in May, Will Farrell was reportedly set to play the legendary John Madden in the future big-screen flick “Madden”. We immediately flashed-back to a certain SNL skit featuring the famous comedian and co-star Cheri Oteri practicing a cheer, but sporting silver-and-black instead of Michigan State green-and-white, showing their butts while singing “I am a Raider...so check me out!”
If teams such as the currently 3-9 NY Giants intentionally lose in order to possibly draft QB Maye outta’ North Carolina, is the sublime battle-cry...”Flake fer Drake!”????!!!!
Pre-Game/Halftime coaches’ locker room speeches from the 70’s thru early 80’s...”Nobody...I mean nobody...comes into our Schoolhouse Rock and pushes us around!”
If Highlander meets the post-NCAA Tournament champion theme, do we hear...”There Can Be Only One Shining Moment”! (Though in the trips to the foul-lines leading up to that conclusion, “There can be only one-and-one"!)
All-Vindicator Hockey Team player
“Honorable Mention”- Center- Jean-Luc “Matador” Matthews. Saginaw State. Redshirt Freshman. 5’8” 169. Hometown: Cheboygan, Michigan. Major: Animal Husbandry. Takes the ice sporting a red cape draping from his stick and a traditional bullfighter’s “montera” atop his helmet. Dangling the large piece of cloth, Matthews goads opponents into charging at him, then rips it away at the last second, sending enraged players crashing into the boards behind him (or sometimes into a nearby goal-post), spurring home-crowds for the “Ski-Lifts” to shout “Ole!”!
Last July, the Philly Inquirer published an article regarding multiple surveys that suggested a higher number of adults are saying “nighty-night” in the company of stuffed animals, which produces a multitude of benefits from anxiety-reduction to falling asleep faster. Fer inquiring mimes that wanna’ know, Vindy beds-down after dark with a plush anaconda named “Jake Da’ Snake Stabler”!
Takin' a few liberties NCAA Tournament Sweet 16 Capital One commercial- Willie Nelson singin’ “Our first love is makin’ free-throws/parlays with my friends. I can’t wait to bet on the ‘dogs again.”
Stealin’ a line from “Tombstone”...”You tell the bookies we’re comin’....and Hell’s comin’ with us!”
Black Shirt: This week’s gargantuan garment goes to Beavers’ long snapper Dylan Black fer launchin’ the ball over the head of his punter, leadin’ to a safety en route to da’ Huskies’ 22-20 upset, as foreseen by yer petered-out prognosticator’s only correct call!
“Wish We Had It Back”: Unfortunately, we do not have a DeLorean available to go back in time to make a different selection on the Texas @ IOWA STATE match after stating “We passed on settling on the ‘below 48’ by that much! “
Locked in a Box: Last Week: 1-0 with UDUB (+2) hangin’ on to dismiss the host Beavers 22-20. Season: 5-7 (.417).
Shoppe Talk: On Ye Olde Taxidermy Shoppe’s special Thanksgiving menu...roasted Texas Cattle (0-4 skid, .000). Smothered in Tulane Green Wave gravy (0-5.000) with a side of baked Gators (0-3 slide, .000)!
Vindy’s Week 12 Best Bets: Last Week: 3-2 (BTW, a total of 8 points cost us those two losses!) Season: 19-31 (.380)
Navy +20 ½ over SMU, Troy –16 ½ over SUDDEN MIST, UNLV –3 (for a chance to host the Mundane Dressed Championship) over San Josie State, South Alabama @ TEXAS STATE “under 58”
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