Between the Hashmarks Week 10-2014

POLITICAL PLOY BOLSTERS COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM

PISCATAWAY, New Jersey (UPI)…Last January, Garden State governor Chris Christie canned Deputy Chief of Staff Bridget Anne Kelly for her role in the deliberate, politically-motivated closing of traffic lanes into the George Washington Bridge. Kelly was immediately picked up by the Scarlet Knights, who were 8^th in the conference in scoring defense and 4^th- worst nationally in passing defense last season, as defensive coordinator. Said one of Rutgers’ staffers, “Anybody that can create that kinda’ stoppage at-will like that (four straight days) can certainly improve our D!”

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BTW, there’s no truth to the rumor that Christie had anything to do with the delayed-drafting of a certain former Cardinal QB…an incident the media dubbed “Teddy Bridgewater-Gate”

Highlander meets the LA KISS Arena Football League reality show in…”4^th and Connor McLeod”!

Following last Thursday’s loss by the San Diego Chargers to the Denver Broncos, Hannibal Lecter was quoted as saying, “I ate Philip Rivers with some fava beans and a fine Chianti!”

Rocky Horror Picture Show meets da’ Cleveland Browns/Texas A&M Aggies…“In just…seven….days, I can…make you…a Manziel!” and “It’s just a jump off-side to the left…and a step to da’ riiiiiii-iiiight…Put yer handoffs on yer hips…now, yer doin’ it riii-iiight….”

In related news, the starting A&M quarterback meets Bride of Chucky…”Kenny Jennifer Tilly”?!

We implore the NCAA or the Big Tent-Peg Conference to provide some answers regarding the crews “officiating” the Lions previous two games. State was incorrectly ruled “offside” after recovering an onside kick that would’ve provided at least an opportunity to go for a potential winning score on their final drive in the loss at Michigan, meanwhile the idiots in stripes granted the Buckeyes an interception on PSU’s first drive, on a ball that upon review clearly hit the ground, which led to an OSU touchdown, and later let the Buckeyes get away with a FG that was kicked after the play-clock expired, putting the visitors up 10-0 early.  We tuned away from that game when OSU went up 17-0 before the half and the Lions’ offense looking like D-O…D-O (thus missing the Lions attempted comeback that fell short in double-OT!). After the Ohio State debauchery, pictures showed up on Facebook, and probably the rest of the ‘Net, featuring referees being led around by seeing-eye dogs. We think the service-animals coulda’ called a better game!

Elsewhere, the hometown Rebels finally lost a fumble, the last team in Division I-A this year to do so, in a covering loss at Utah State.

At the betting counter, our straight wagers on Maryland +11 over WISCONSIN and South Florida +10 over CINCINNATI failed to materialize. We did however cash a parlay featuring Weeziana Tech -10 over SOUTHERN MISS and Reno -3 over HAWAII (hats off to Da’ Pack for the rally and cover!). BTW, we’re takin’ a page from the Michigan playbook vs. the Spartans and plantin’ a pre-bet wooden stake in da’ sportsbook! If it blows up in our face, we’ll simply claim we saw a vampire! Money down already on Colorado State -7 over SAN JOSE STATE, UTEP -6 ½ over Southern Miss, Illinois +28 ½ over OHIO STATE, North Carolina +17 over MIAMI and Utah State -3 over HAWAII. Also getting a look...Navy +14 over Notre Dame (@ Baltimore, MD), Air Force -3 ½ over ARMY, South Alabama +6  over UL-LAFAYETTE and Arizona +6 ½ over UCLA.

Recent incidents at soccer venues in Europe have brought to light the potential dangers of having drones in sports stadiums. Our solution? Station air-defense artillery units in the end zones or other strategic positions! Oregon fans may however take offense to nickname of the Army branch-in-question…”Duck Hunters”. Might give second-thoughts to Green Bay Packers players contemplating that whole “Lambeau Leap” thing! BTW, fer the drone- operators out there, if “Weapons Free” flashes across the Jumbo-Tron, it means…”If it flies, it dies!”

Fightin’ Irish true-frosh wide-out Justin Brent is apparently involved with 40-sumthin’-yer-old Lisa Ann, who has been in many an adult- film (…or so we’ve heard!). Is he gonna’ “Win one fer da’ stripper?!”. Are Irish thighs  smilin’?! How often do ya see a Leprechaun with a Cougar?! Is she helping him learn the triple-X’s and O’s?! Is he memorizin’ the foreplay-book?!

Lane Kiffin’s mommie expressed concern for her son’s well-being as he returned to Knoxville this past weekend.  Kiffin led Tennessee to an 8-4 SU record (5-3 SEC) in his lone 2009 stint, which saw significant victories over only Joja’ and South Carolina (who went 7-6, losing by 13 in the post-season to UConn) just to lose the bowl game that year by 23 to VirginiaTech. But Kiffin’s successors suffered three straight 5-win campaigns after his departure. Guess that explains why the Tide OC was wearin’ an old-school hockey mask and clutchin’ a machete on the sidelines during ‘Bama’s win over the Vols on Saturday!

Earlier this month, Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin prohibited his players from exchanging unis with members of other teams. We’d ask Mike to make an exception this week after seeing the Steelers in those goofy black-and-tan (?) striped outfits, which always makes us immediately think of an old SNL skit featuring the cast sitting around in bee-like costumes (complete with antennae) and talking about “buzzing off”!

NBA regular season competition is now underway and reminds us that in March, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un mandated every man in the country to get the same haircut as their supreme leader…a change from the previous ten options. An anonymous official however said the Dennis Rodman turtle-shell ‘do was under consideration as an acceptable alternative!

Nobody touches Vindy’s Dodge Dart…nor his Dart Vader costume!

And finally this week…we’ll never purchase anything from eBay ever again. Instead of getting an eerie game-device that would reportedly put us in ”contact” with the “spirit-world” so we could get a little sports-betting guidance, we ended up having our Underoos forcibly-yanked up the crack of our butt and over our ears! Seems the seller-in-question sent us a… “wedgie”-board!

Between Da' Hashmarks Week 9-2014

INTENTIONAL-FAIL CAMPAIGN SPURS OFFSHOOTS

NASHVILLE, Tennessee (MSNBC)…Even before the Titans’ latest loss, a last-second road-defeat on Sunday to a Washington squad that had put just one of its previous six games in the win-column, Tennessee fans ripped a page from the “Suck for (Andrew) Luck” ploy by the 2011 Miami Dolphins, encouraging the local pro football franchise to lose on-purpose to acquire the 2015 NFL Draft’s initial selection and grab Oregon’s Marcus Mariota with the first pick…implementing a call to ”Suck for the Duck”, with vendors already hawking Tennessee apparel  bearing the last name. However, others believe there are additional options and have proposed “Take a Sack for Dak (Prescott)” to get Mississippi State’s star QB, and for those wanting Texas Christian’s man-under-center, Trevone Boykin, …”Implode for Da’ Toad”!

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BTW, no truth to the rumor that winless Oakland and one-win teams Tampa, New York and Jacksonville are planning to “Play Squirrely Fer (Joja’ RB Todd) Gurley”!

Speakin’ of a certain woodland creature, over the summer, USA Today revealed Jameis Winston stared down the business-end of a campus cop’s weapon in the wake of usin’ a pellet-gun to take pot-shots at squirrels with a  teammate on da’ school grounds back in 2012. Great…squirrels, seafood….is the FSU wunderkind buckin’ for a gig on some Animal Planet show when his NFL career tanks or what???!!!

The Kansas Jay-Walks finally lost a fumble this weekend, leaving only UNLV (??!!!) as the only team to not do so thus far. The Rebels were, however, idle Saturday. No word as to whether or not the practice squad managed to recover one vs. the starting O!

Our primary wagers went 3-1, with Rutgers (+19) getting’ blasted by Ohio State and squandering an 8-point win by South Florida (-1 ½ over TULSA). We cashed on Iowa State (+12 ½) over TEXAS, but weren’t smart enough to lay 4 ½ with MARYLAND over Iowa, instead losing on an impulsive Friday-night wager of Temple +8 ½ at HOUSTON. This week, we’re considering South Florida +11 over CINCINNATI, Maryland +11 over WISCONSIN, UMass +16 over TOLEDO, Weezianna Tech -10 over SOUTHERN MISSED and Nevada-Reno -3 over HAWAII. Also on da’ radar…Texas-El Paso +10 over TEXAS-SAN ANTONIO, Texas +9 ½ over KANSAS STATE and West Virginia-OKLAHOMA STATE “over” 63.

Regarding West Virginia’s upset of Baylor last weekend, we do our best Bogie impersonation and say… “’Eers lookin’ at you, Kid.”

Thru Week 9, the Philadelphia Iggles haven’t donned green jerseys because during the offseason, the team decided to take it up…if we can quote Emeril Lagasse… “another notch”… to Nike’s Elite 51 jerseys and “midnight green” is apparently a specialized color that takes extra time to produce. Philly won’t play at the Da’ Linc again until November 10. Maybe Chris Rock can reprise his role as “Caretaker” in The Longest Yard remake and provide some Mean Machine duds until Nike comes through!

Next week…Garden State politics, drones and we welcome…the NBA!

 

 

 

Between the Hashmarks Week 8-2014

COMMUNIST LEADER SIGHTING GOOD NEWS FOR NCAA TEAM?

DALLAS, Texas (AP)…Until Tuesday, when he was spotted with a walking stick, Kim Jong Un had not been seen in public since September 3rd. Similarly AWOL have been the offenses of UConn, South Florida, Kent State and…SMU, which is at the bottom of Division I-A in points-scored, totaling 36 in five games. Putting that in perspective, the next lowest totals belong to I-AA Cornell (39 points, 0-4 in the Ivy League) and Austin Peay (40, 0-6, in the Ohio Valley Conference cellar). In addition, the whereabouts of the Mustangs’ D is still unknown, MIA since the 2013 regular-season finale (a 17-13 loss to Central Florida). Local fans believe the positive reemergence of the North Korean leader could likewise portend good fortune for SMU’s offense, as the Pony Express and teammates this week host Cincinnati, which has yielded an average of 41 points-per-game thus far and almost 49 per game over its last three tilts. No truth the rumor that Jong Un was overheard doing his best Gandalf-at-the-steps-of-Edoras impersonation from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, quipping, “Oh…you wouldn’t part an old man from his walking-stick, would you?”

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The Northwestern Wildcats will be sportin’ their new “Gothic” unis vs. Nebraska this week. In related news, the Philadelphia Iggles donned all-black duds to host the G-Men and pitched a 23-0 shutout. On that note, we fully concur with N-Dub’s fashion-choice (and recommend a certain well-known AC/DC tune be blasted over the PA system at Ryan Field!). BTW, after dropping a tough game to Minnesota (see our betting results below), ‘Cats coach Pat Fitzgerald said da’ Gophers’ offense “takes half the game away standing in the huddle and talking about what they’re ordering for dinner.”. Interesting comment, considering NW had nearly three more minutes in time-of-possession and won most of the statistical categories. Apparently, the Gilded Gerbils, instead of hashin’ out a nine-course meal,  musta’ simply decided early on DiGiorno pizza!

For all their woes, the hometown-hero Rebels of UNLV had not coughed-up a fumble (nor had Boston College, Mizzou or [GASP!] Kansas) entering last Friday’s game vs. Fresno State.  Still none for UNLV. Mizzou gave up one in the blow-out loss to Joja’! BC also lost one while the Jayhawks put it on the ground three times, but recovered all of ‘em, leaving UNLV and Kansas as the only two teams sans a lost-fumble???!!!

We sent up a signal-flare ahead of Tennessee’s tilt vs. FCS Chattanooga and Vanderbilt’s contest against FCS Charleston Southern. The Vols wasted little time putting away their opponent, but the CSU Buccaneers pulled within a point of the Commodores early in the 4^th Quarter and Vandy held on over the final 10 minutes to escape with the 21-20 win.

If ya didn’t watch Auburn’s demise at Mississippi State, War Beagle shot itself in the paw early-and-often with penalties in its 35-23 loss. And other mistakes like a missed 27-yard FG attempt didn’t help. But frankly, the Bulldogs didn’t look all that stellar either, but made Auburn pay for mistakes. Speaking of errors, UNLV coach Bobby Hauck got called out for attempting a fake punt from his own side of the field while leading Fresno 17-0 early. MSU tried that too, up 21-0 on Auburn. Ultimately, both teams won their games, but…Yikes! What were they thinking!

One of the CBS commentators noted the broadcast crew had no rosters showing anyone for Auburn associated with uniform #91following an ineligible-substitution flag thrown on a player sporting said-digits! Vindy spies say the offending player was actually an MSU fan who found an unguarded uniform, infiltrated the Tigers’ sidelines and waited for an opportune time to run onto the field and draw the flag! Or maybe it was Jean-Claude Damme, who once, while portraying a fire-marshal trying to save spectators and players at a hockey arena from terrorists, slipped onto the ice dressed as a goalie and stopped a shot during an NHL playoff game in “Sudden Death”!

Many of the home-fans at Davis Wade Stadium were clad in “Stark Vegas” shirts. Doing some research, we discovered it’s apparently not unusual for cities with names ending “ville” to swap that suffix for “Vegas”, which reportedly makes it sound like the berg has more pizazz. Obvious examples then would be KnoxVegas, LouisVegas and GainesVegas, but we’re awaiting release of The AmityVegas Horror!

Congrats to Eastern Michigan for upsetting Buffalo as a two-touchdown underdog and equaling its number of SU wins in each of the past two seasons. EMU has bested Western Michigan three straight years and the Broncos show up later on the schedule. The Eagles went 2-9 ATS (vs. Division I-A teams) in 2013. By our numbers, the Y-Town Birds are currently 2-2-1 against the line.

Our betting efforts were fruitless last week after Northwestern (+4) yielded a 100-yard kickoff return for TD immediately after tying Minnesota at 17-17 mid-4th Quarter, losing by 7 and wasting a nice cover by Louisville (+9 ½) at Clemson later that day. Likewise, Air Force (+7) lost by 18 at Utah State to render an outright win by Boston College (+4) at NC State meaningless. That what Vindy gets for letting Super-Creepy Rob Lowe decide his wagers! (BTW, our cable was out, so we spent Saturday down at the playground watchin’ Pop Warner games!).

No money down yet, but here’s a few selections we’re considering taking to da’ sportsbook counter…MARYLAND -4 ½ over Iowa, South Florida -1 ½ over TULSA, Rutgers +19 over OHIO STATE and Iowa State +12 ½ over TEXAS. Also on the radar…Washington +20 ½ over OREGON.

If yer scorin’ at home, the underdogs went 12-2-1 ATS (including four outright victories) in the 15 games involving at least one ranked team last week (depending upon where ya had Stanford. We had the Cardinal at -17, pushing the 34-17 victory vs. Wazzou)!

In a follow-up to last week’s “lead story” about the Vegas Hempfest, we note that last May, the NFL contemplated a threshold for positive marijuana drug tests. Sounds like Pro Bowlers might eventually be able to enjoy a little Maui Wowie and the Cleveland Browns could grow some Toledo Window Box! (Raise yer hand if ya know the Toledo Window Box reference!)

BTW, did anybody else out there realize Super Bowl 48 featured teams from states that legalized recreational marijuana-use. We were waitin’ to see which side would get whistled first for an illegal helmet-to-helmet bong-hit! Gave a whole new meanin’ to “shotgun” formation!

On the ice…NHL meets Chemistry…“A beta-blocker save and a beauty!”

And finally…Cowboys RB Joseph Randle got popped for an attempted five-finger discount of a tester-bottle of cologne and a two-pack of undies from Dillard’s. Assuming the store recovered the nearly-stolen items, we have to wonder if Randle will go be forced to go “commando” vs. the Giants on Sunday. And if so, will he approach Dallas owner Jones and rattle off a Kramer quote from Seinfeld about boxers vs. jockeys…”I’m out there, Jerry and I’m luvvvin’ every minute of it!”?

 

 

 

Between the Hashmarks Week 7-2014

SIN CITY EVENT IMPACTS AIRLINES

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (TMZ)…Last Saturday witnessed the premiere of Las Vegas Hempfest. Ahead of the event, travel agencies in Washington and Colorado tallied a record-number of tickets purchased by athletes, talent scouts and college recruiters for flights to the world’s gambling mecca. But less than 24-hours later, following the announcement that while information and paraphernalia would be available, no actual marijuana would be on sale, SEA-TAC International and Denver International Airports immediately saw unprecedented cancellations of previously-booked flights. Ironically, all the passengers-in-question reported suddenly remembering they “had prior engagements already scheduled” or were en route to grocery stores to “replenish emergency nuclear fallout-shelter supplies of Twinkies and potato-chips!!”

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“I’m so excited…I’m gonna’ get creamed!”…Within a seven-day timeframe this summer, South Carolina and Oregon fessed-up on their own to violations involving impermissible iced-decorations on cookies and provision of a razor and shaving cream to recruits, respectively???!!! We hope at least the would-be Duck got to shoot a Noxema commercial with a Farrah-Fawcett look-a-like, a la Joe Namath back in the 70’s! Maybe the Mallards (should they still make the Final Four after losing Thursday nite to AZ), will have to grow playoff beards until ousted from the post-season, a la the NHL!

Fer the second straight week, we pushed after bettin’ Iowa State plus da’ points! A shout-out to da’ Minutia-men of UMass, who did right by us not once, but twice…losing by 1 at +4 and posting major pointage with Miami-Ohio to send the total waaaaaaay over 57 ½! North Texas and Indiana also lit up the scoreboard to cash the “over” parlay. Elsewhere, Nevada-Reno cost us a nice three-team money-line parlay, wasting a good win by Virginia Tech and a crazy 60-59 victory by Cal! We already have $ down on Boston College +4 over NC STATE and Air Force +7 over UTAH STATE. A couple other tilts we’re eye-ballin’ for possible wager…Northwestern +3 over MINNESOTA, Ole Miss +3 over TEXAS A&M and yep, those Nifty Lions +1 ½ over MEEESHIGAN.

We watched the ‘Bama-Ole Miss game on Saturday…and by-and-large, special teams for each side…were not! The field goal kickers collectively went 1-fer-3 in the 1st Quarter and ‘Bama’s kicker also missed a fitty-one yarder in the 3rd Quarter (not a gimme by any stretch, but Tide’s special units traditionally rise to the occasion).  Kick-coverage improved slightly by the intermission, but was mostly dismal on both sides. While we’re on the topic, we note there’s been some discussion about “Good Bo, Bad Bo” in reference to QB Bo Wallace’s extremes. Makes us ponder “Army of Darkness” meets the Ole Miss QB in a classic scene from the movie…”Good Bo…Bad Bo….I’m the guy takin’ snaps from the shotgun!” One more thought fer Texas A&M, who hosts Mississippi on Saturday and is (we think incorrectly) favored by 3, the Rebels’ perimeter D was a mess against ‘Bama and we’d recommend trying the edges early-and-often if its gonna’ win. Elsewhere in the stadium, Katy Perry was in attendance at said-contest, makin’ a cameo on ESPN’s “College Game Day” and went all-Carly Rae Jepsen in an effort to lure the affections a certain Oklahoma quarterback…crooning, “I haven’t met you…and I might never. But here’s my number..,so call me, Trevor!”

“Danger, danger, Will  Robinson!”: Tennessee hosts FCS #12 Chatternuuga (3-2 with losses by 4 @ Central Michigan and a 23-20 OT defeat at home to Jaxsonville State) and Vandy welcomes FCS #23 Charleston Southern (5-0 and off a bye) this weekend!

Notable trends thru Week 6: Colorado 4-0 ATS run; UConn, Illinois, UL-Lafayette, Ohio U. & Tulane   0-4 ATS skid, Joja’ and UMass 5-0 “over”; Iowa, Kansas, Northwestern, Notre Dame, San Diego State, VirginiaTech & Washington 4-0 “under”, Tennessee and Texas 4-1 “under”; Weeziana Tech, Ole Miss and Nebraska 5-0 ATS, Louisville 5-0 “under”, Navy 5-1 “under”, Ohio State 4-0 “over”, South Carolina 1-5 ATS, Toledo 0-5 ATS, Toledo 4-0 “over”, Western Michigan 4-0 ATS, Joja’ Southern 4-1 ATS

Michigan fans will be armed with pepper-spray entering the stadium on Saturday vs. Vindy’s alma mater. (Oh wait…the directive was fer a “maize-out”!). Upon further review, maybe it was for a “maids-out” to clean up the mess following the game!

Omar Gonzalez, who jumped a fence and eluded Secret Service pursuit deep into da’ White House,  has been offered an NFL contract by the Washington pro football franchise as a kick-returner on special-teams …following his release from the local pokey, of course! BTW, unnamed NSA agents already drafted this guy as part of their fantasy teams!

Vindy’s Picks welcomes today’s start of the 2014 NHL regular season (under a full lunar eclipse, no less!) by noting protesters were permitted to do their thing at the 2014 Sochi Games in February as long as they stayed within designated areas. Unfortunately, many elected to demonstrate outside the trapezoid behind the Russian goalie, drawing multiple penalties for “too many protesters on the ice” and hampering the host-country’s efforts to bring home the gold in hockey!

And finally…BEWARE TONITE’S FULL MOON AND THE ACCOMPANYING LUNAR ECLIPSE!!!! Run awaaaaaaay! Run awaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

 

 

 

 

Between the Hashmarks Week 6-2014

COLLEGE ZEBRAS SUCK LIFE OUT OF NFL GAMES

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania (UPI)…Fans, players and coaches are frustrated with the significant uptick in penalties being called, but their irritations are misdirected at league rules-changes. Ahead of the Rebels’ Mountain West opener at San Diego State, head coach Bobby Hauck publically-rued being heavily-flagged by MAC and American Athletic officials during the non-conference schedule after the 2013 season saw UNLV finish among the least-penalized teams in the country. The Vegas squad drew eight hankies for just 32 yards against the Aztecs, but it appears crews from the aforementioned-conferences dotted the NFL landscape on Sunday, combining to throw 90 flags for more than 7 football fields worth of distance in just five of the eleven pro stadiums in action, including a gaudy 22-hankie outing here in the Iron City during the Steelers’ loss to Tampa Bay!

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Honoring Stephen King’s birthday (September 21, 1947), ENCORE played flicks from the Stephen King Collection every night last month. We enjoyed watchin’ “Children of Da’ Cornhuskers”, “The Dark Halftime”, “The Mean Green Mile” (filmed in the North Texas locker room), “The Running Back Man”, “Goal-Line-Stand By Me”, “Yards Per Carrie” and of course…“The Shawshanked-Punt Redemption”!

Speakin’ of Chitlins of Da’ Corn, we took in the Appalachian State-Joja’ Southern tilt on Thursday night. The Mountaineers feature a WR named Malachi Jones. Don’t get us wrong…we understand the whole religious, prophet, etc. affiliation. But after “Children of the Corn” came out in hardback in 1977 and the subsequent horror flick in 1984, we’re wonderin’ why any parent since then would name their kid “Malachi”!!!! “Outlanderrrr! We have yer womannnn!”

The State of Kansas has proclaimed October as “Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Month”, going on the premise that if the general population can be ready to react to a zombie-outbreak, then they’ll also be prepared to handle other disasters. The protocol is already being implemented given the condition of the Jayhawks football season. KU squeaked by I-AA Southeast Mizzou State 34-28 and beat the Chippies of Central Michigan by two touchdowns, but were blasted by Duke and shut-out by Texas (scoring a total of 27 points in its three FBS tilts), tallying its 41^st loss in 43 conference games (and counting!), leading to dismissal of former coach Charlie Weis. A quick peek at the remaining slate says the Blewbirds have seen their last outright victory on the year!

Last month, Russian president Vladimir Putin hoped to cripple corporate America economically by banning chicken imports as payback for international sanctions. Despite nominally-higher prices, U.S. consumers are still purchasin’ chicken at a just-slightly lower-than-usual pace, while impoverished Soviet citizens find themselves seriously-missin’ said game-hens. In fact, the only poultry-boycott goin’ on this side of the Atlantic is being conducted by fans of South Carolina’s football team, which already has two games in the loss-column following its late 21-20 defeat by Missouri, leaving the Fightin’ Fowls’ record at 3-2 outright and 1-4 against da’ spread!

On a more serious note, we render a heart-felt Vindicator salute to the Mallards of Oregon, who will sport black-and-pink jerseys with pink numbers and pink names on the back of said-jerseys and cleats to match on Thursday night vs. Arizona, honoring Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

With the baseball playoffs underway, we note the Arizona Diamondbacks faced the L.A. Dodgers in a two-game series played in Australia to open the Major League season. Just wonderin’ if players had to run the bases clockwise and if curve balls broke in the opposite direction they do in the U.S.?!

We thank Iowa State (+21) for pushing vs. Baylor and Maryland (+4) for “upsetting” Indiana on the road, while Duke (+7) lost by a dozen at Miami to cost us a parlay win, wasting a big win by Temple (-6) at UConn!

 

Between the Hashmarks Week 5-2014

OFFICIALS CLARIFY ALLEGED “TEST”

BUFFALO, New York (ITAR-TASS)…Lost in the recent plethora of player misadventures was the outrage following off-season revelation of the NFL’s “jiggle test” for cheerleaders. Commissioner Roger Goodell and league officials say critics are wrong and it’s really the “Gigli” test, in which teams test cheerleaders’ endurance by measuring how long they can suffer through the Ben Affleck box-office bomb! In addition, the women must be pet-friendly and pass muster with Dr. Evil’s cat , ie. the“Mr. Bigglesworth test”! Further vetting of candidates requires ongoing mental health assessments mandating the pom-pom squads submit to the “Sybil test”!

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(The real cause behind the elevator-fight between Jay-Z and Beyonce)

BTW, Cleveland fans wanting admission to the “Dog Pound” must pass the “Kibble test”!

The Nifty Lions host Northwestern this week. Last Spring, the National Labor Relations Board ruled N-Dub players could unionize. In April, scholarship players cast secret ballots whether or not to give the formal okay to be represented by the College Athletes Players Association (which if named College Athletes Players Organization, woulda’ had the Wildcats being supported by the…CAPO!). Those votes remain sealed until further notice as the school fights unionization. Meanwhile, we predict Coach Jimmy Hoffa will lead the Northwestern Teamsters outta’ da’ tunnel this week then mysteriously-disappear at halftime! The interim coach will, of course, be Jack Nicholson!

Marc Lawrence’s Playbook.Com strategy of wagering on bowl teams from the previous season that drop their first two games SU, then win Game Three outright and host their Game Four opponent went 2-0 again as Vandy (+21) and Wazzou (+23 ½) both covered nicely in that role vs. South Carolina and Oregon, respectively.

Steve Spurrier’s at it again,  bashin’ the Aggies’ slate. Last time he did that, the Ol’ Ball Coach and his players got their Gamecocks cleaned! Super Steve better hope his team and A&M don’t collide again for the SEC Championship in December.

The Sochi Olympics mascot was dubbed “Nightmare Bear”. Ted meets Chucky?!

In related news, Team USA’s honorary curling team-captain in Sochi, 49ers TE Vernon Davis, drew some comparisons between the sport-in-question and golf. Sure, why not. Every golfer hand-rolls a ball toward the hole and has a pair of helpers with brooms, sweeping a path along the green to the cup or to knock an opponent’s ball out of scoring range, right?!

 

 

 

 

Between the Hashmarks Week 4-2014

 TIPPING INCIDENT SPURS MUSIC ENDEAVOR

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. (UPI)…Lambasted in the media for, then admitting to, leaving a 20-cent gratuity for a server on a burger-joint tab for over $60, Eagles RB LeSean McCoy has decided to pursue a rap music career, going by the name “Twenty Cent”. Plans are already underway to join forces with Curtis Jackson AKA “Fifty-Cent” on a nationwide concert tour called “Seventy Cent On Da’ Dollah”! McCoy may also get to throw out the first pitch of a Major League Baseball playoff game. Hopefully, it’ll be less than half as bad as Fifty Cent’s was. Asked about his soon-to-be co-star’s claim of being reportedly shot nine times, McCoy stated has never suffered a bullet wound, but “did take nine snaps from the shotgun formation during preseason practices” in Philly’s rendition of the Wildcat!

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BTW, Vindy’s spies say before leaving the restaurant, the beleaguered running back took the twenny pennies and threw them in the air to “make it rain”!

UNLV took first-place in the Victoria Secret Pink Nation “Craziest Campus Showdown” last week. The prize is still under wraps for now, but the looks on the Rebel’s football players’ faces when dozens of frilly, lacy, pink underthings are delivered to the locker room will be priceless!

Back in Week One, we noted the Marc Lawrence’s Playbook.Com strategy of wagering on bowl teams from the previous season who drop their first two games SU, then win Game Three outright and host their Game Four opponent. The first three weeks of 2014 have eliminated all but two of the possible contenders, but the remaining teams meeting the criteria are…Vanderbilt and Washington State. Da’ Commodores are gettin’ 21vs. the South Carolina Gamecocks and Wazzou’s taking 23 vs. the Mallards of Oregon. Vandy looks absolutely lost without coach James Franklin (now at Vindy’s alma mater) and the Ducks could be bankin’ on the perceived strength of conference to blaze the path to the Final Four, but a bye week’s comin’ up after this one and style-points won’t hurt. Our choices? Bet on the Admirals, pass on the Coogs, who’ve lost by 15, 25 and 24 the last three years.

The NCAA has cut a deal with “Star Wars” merchandise to provide movie-themed apparel for its colleges. Keep an eye out in your fave campus bookstores for shirts, hoodies, PJs, etc. featuring such things as…”These aren’t the draw-plays you’re looking for.”, “Use the Air Force, Luke!”, Auburn coach Darth Malzahn, Bowling Green (or Air Force) Millennium Falcons, Rutgers Scarlet Jedi Knights, Texas Tech Red Tusken Raiders and of course, Rebel Bases of Ole Miss and UNLV!

We thank Northern Illinois (-10 ½) and Nebraska (-11 ½) for covering at UNLV and Fresno State, respectively, thus letting us cash our first parlay ticket on the season!

ATS runs and skids thru Week Three (with three lined games): 3-0: Weeziana Tech, Ole Miss and UTEP; 0-3: Fresno State, Kent State, UCLA and Vandy!

This just in…Seminoles QB Jameis Winston earned himself the right to spend the first thirty minutes of game-time vs. Clemson on the pine for spouting an obscene phrase while standing atop a table in the student union. We have a two-word prediction for Winston’s future as an NFL quarterback…Ryan Leaf  (or maybe even Art Schlicter!)

The faux-fainting ploy used by Arkansas State on special teams vs. Miami was reportedly run in practice, but we think Booker Mays accidentally made eye-contact with George Clooney, who was on the ASU sidelines reprising his role from “The Men Who Stare at Goats”!!!

With the Seattle Super Bowl victory well-in-hand at the end of the second quarter last February, QB Russell Wilson actually took the halftime stage and lip-synched the Bruno Mars tunes alongside the Red Hot Chili Peppers (anybody else out note the irony in said-band playin’ “Give It Away” following the Broncos efforts to do just that in the first 30 minutes of the game?!). Meanwhile, the scheduled performer/pop star actually suited up and was under center the rest of the way for the Seahawks!

Multiple-choice question…Commish Roger Goodell says the league didn’t see the Ray Rice video in a timely manner because a) the VHS tape was actually sent to now-defunct Blockbuster Video to be rewound first b) the league doesn’t subscribe to Netflix! or c) the audio-visual intern had been on a leave-of-absence and nobody else at NFL Headquarters knew how to make the DVD-in-question fit the league’s Beta-Max machine!

And finally…On da’ Billboard One-Hunnert…football meets DJ Snake & Lil’ Jon in a tune called…“Turned-Over On Downs Fer What?!!!”

Between the Hashmarks Week 3-2014

FIGHT SONG CHANGES RESONATE BEYOND CAMPUS

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah (BBC)…Over the summer, officials at Utah revamped the Utes’ fight song lyrics from “man” to “fan” to avoid the appearance of being sexist. In a show of solidarity, other musicians and record companies have since followed suit, leading to such title alterations as… “Soul Fan” by the Blues Brothers, “Secret Agent Fan”- Johnny Rivers, “Tax Fan”- Beatles, “Mr. Tambourine Fan”- Bob Dylan, “When a Fan Loves a Woman”- Percy Sledge, “Iron Fan”- Black Sabbath,  “Back Door Fan”- The Doors, “Piano Fan”- Billy Joel, “Rocket Fan”- Elton John, “Southern Fan”- Neil Young, “Old Fan”- also Neil Young, “Sharp Dressed Fan”- ZZ Top, “Fan in the Mirror”- Michael Jackson, “When I Was Your Fan”- Bruno Mars, “Macho Fan”- Village People, “The Fan in Black”- Johnny Cash, “What a Fan”- Salt N Pepa, “Stand By Your Fan”- Tammy Wynette, and of course, “Walk Like a Fan”- Frankie Valle. In fact… zoos, fruit stands and fashion shops now feature fanatees, fandarin oranges and fannaquins, respectively.

We apologize to our loyal readership looking for our usual slate of game predictions, but we have taken back-to-back poor outings that left us at 8-20 overall and 1-7 on “best bets” through the first two weeks of the 2014 campaign as a sign that the college football pantheon, or the powers of the universe it represents, wants us to take a break. So be it. The picks are on sabbatical until next August (unless we decide to give the bowls a go) so we can recalibrate the abacus and the slide-rule we generally use to formulate our ATS selections. Meanwhile, we’ll continue to post stuff weekly that would normally show up as a lead “news story” or at least in…

BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS

BTW, even international sports leagues are hopping on the Utah bandwagon, including English soccer stalwart… Fanchester United!

Following the act of Johnny Football, Texas A&M’s new gunslinger at QB prefers the nickname…“Can He Drill”?!...What’d he say???!!!

Upset alert…FCS #3 SE Louisiana @ TULANE (no line). Lions are 2-0 after pounding a Southern Utah team that trailed UNR by just 8 points midway thru the 3^rd Quarter…at Reno…and ultimately lost by just 9.

Bo Pelini led his Huskers onto the field before the Nebraska Spring Game, while holding up his cat skyward in an apparent homage to the Lion King. The stadium-operator misunderstood the NU coach’s subsequent request to play “Hakuna Matata” and instead blasted Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” over the PA system! Not to be out-done, the Big Red baseball coach requested the playing of “On-Deck Circle of Life” and “Glove Lies Bleeding” as his squad took the diamond in its next game!

Ahead of the AFC Championship contest last January, Patriots kicker Gostkowski would not reveal the song he uses as the soundtrack to a video-mash-up of some of his important FGs, which he creates and watches while prepping for the game each week. Given the mental state usually attributed to players at his position, the tune-in-question was probably something done by Weird Al Yankovic!

Around that same timeframe, Pope Francis selected 19 new cardinals. Later that month, the pontiff took turns helping Deion Sanders and Jerry Rice choose players for their respective Pro Bowl squads under the new non-denominational format!

In February, 5000 single-serve containers of Chobani yogurt, a sponsor of the U.S. Olympic team, didn’t make it to Sochi for the Winter Games, instead remaining in New Jersey, due to some Russian dairy-product public-health standards snafu! Opponents blamed Chris Christie for that log-jam too! Clearly, the concern was terrorists were smuggling explosives that would’ve detonated when athletes stirred the fruit at the bottom of each cup!

Vindy's Picks Week 2-2014

FAMOUS AUDIBLE NOT WHAT WE THOUGHT WE HEARD

DENVER, Colorado (REUTERS)…Much ado was made over Peyton Manning’s use of the word “Omaha” at the line of scrimmage, reportedly captured in a league video-compilation as many as 44 times, in his team’s January playoff win over the San Diego Chargers. Players on both sides, however, revealed the star QB was actually shouting the expression of shock and bewilderment, “Omigawd! Omigawd!” after looking over the defense!

BTW, CB-radio aficionados will of course remember Manning as the voice of “Rubber Duck’ in the song “Convoy”…”Yeah, 10-4, Big Ben…what’s yer 20?...Omaha?!...Well, they ought to know what to do with them hogs out there fer sure…”

A horrendous 3-12 (.200) outta’ the gate had us quickly contemplating closing up shop and takin’ the rest of the season off, but we’ve Picasso’d ourselves up off da’ canvas and hope for better results from…

THE WEBER KID’S 2014 WEEK 2 FORECAST

(Safe as a Sochi Olympics half-pipe!)

Citadel @ #1 FLORIDA STATE: No line.

Florida Atlantic (+40) over #2 ALABAMA: Mounties’ 100-yard kick-off return for a score in the Second Quarter sounds like several ’Bama  special-teams scholarships being vacated. Owls gave up almost 500 rushing yards on fitty-seven carries in blowout loss to Nebraska and now fly into Tuscaloosa, facing Tide team that saw RBs Yeldon and Henry each clear 100 yards on the ground vs. West Virginia. Yep, that’s gonna’ leave a bruise…Tide 48 FAU 10

#7 Michigan State (+12 ½) over #3 OREGON: UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK #1. LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. We’ll put more stock in Spartans’ 45-7 win over then-FCS #8 Jacksonville State team than in Ducks hanging 62 on AA South Dakota squad. Mallards QB Mariota warrants his Heisman-talk, but Sparty closed last year with underdog SU wins over Ohio State and Stanford. Ducks are crapshoots as home-chalk. One of Oregon’s defeats last season came at the hands of defensive-stalwart Stanford. Double-digits just too-good to pass up with State… MSU 27 Quack Attack 24

#4 Oklahoma (-24 ½) over TULSA: Sooners 44 Tulsa 16

#5 AUBURN (-31) over San Jose State: Tigers 44 SJSU 9

#6 Georgia: IDLE (next @ South Carolina)

#8 OHIO STATE (-12) over Virginia Tech: State’s 17-point win over Navy is misleading. We watched the game. Middies were in it until the last 8 or 9 minutes. While the rushing attack is obviously Navy’s MO, the Ensigns gashed the Buckeyes run-D for long-gainers on several occasions. QB JT Barrett did improve as the game went on in place of Braxton Miller. A missed 36-yard FG cost us the forecast win last week, but considering a number of calls by the replay official favoring the Boat People, we won’t complain too loud. Buckeyes are just 8-7 ATS at Da’ Shoe the past seasons, but should fare better vs. a more-traditional offense this week…State 29 Hokies 12

Lamar @ #9 TEXAS A&M: No line.

Northwestern State @ #10 BAYLOR: No line.

Memphis (+24) over  #11 UCLA: Bruins D did the heavy-lifting last week in Virginia, scoring three TDs on three turnovers, with UCLA offense not hittin’ the scoreboard until the final 90 seconds of the game…UCLA 35 Tigers 24

Sam Houston State @ #12 LSU: No line.

#13 STANFORD (-3) over #14 Southern Cal: Just prior to last week’s opener vs. Fresno State, Trojans DB Josh Shaw fessed up that his story about his high-ankle sprains resulted from leaping off  a balcony to save his drowning nephew was…horse hockey! The exact details of his actual fall from a balcony were not divulged, but Vindy’s spies say Shaw had been watching Wrestlemania on TV and tried to emulate a “diving back elbow drop”. No turnbuckle was available, so he improvised…landing a solid blow to the chest of his 7-year-old relative, but bustin’ up his wheels in the process! Frankly, we’d be happy with a push, but we’ll call it…Trees 24 Trojans 20

#15 Mississippi (-20) over Vanderbilt (@ Atlanta, GA): Senior QB Bo Wallace and his Rebels teammates overcame a sloppy INT-filled game (7 total combined) to beat Boise and notch one of our three correct picks in Week One. Meanwhile, the NCAA and SEC dropped anchor on Vandy’s now-banned unis, which proclaimed “Anchors Down” on the back in the midst of the Commodores’ embarrassing 30-point loss to improving-but-not-that-improved Temple. Ole Miss chalked up 387 passing yards but the running game was absent and the Rebels have won just 6 of last 16 SEC contests. Vandy’s got a new coach after losing James Franklin to Vindy’s alma-mater…Rebels 41 Vanderbilt 17

Michigan (+4 ½) over #16 NOTRE DAME: Despite the academic drama, QB Golson carried the Leprechauns, literally, with three rushing scores, and passed for a couple more in trashin’ Rice. Big Blew needs to figure out how to put the close ones in the dubya-column, suffering 4 losses by 11 total points last season and going 4-11-1 ATS in games decided by 7 or less the last three years. Senior QB Devin Gardner avenged a much-publicized 2007 loss to Appalachian State last week. Irish had won four straight (by 7 or less) until UM’s 41-30 triumph in 2013… Leprechauns 27 UM 24

NEW MEXICO (+26) over #17 Arizona State: Best guess for this week’s “wish I had it back”. Lobos nearly rallied from 17-point halftime hole vs. UTEP, using a strong running game (about 9 yards per carry), but minus-three in turnover ratio didn’t help. New Mexico finally has a full allotment of scholarship players, lotsa’ seniors and a third-year coach in Bob Davie, though Lobos are down a couple key players…Pitchforks 38 UNM 20

Western Illinois @ #18 WISCONSIN: No line.

McNeese State @ #19 NEBRASKA: No line.

#20 Kansas State (-12 ½) over IOWA STATE: ‘Clones, as we warned in our Week One “upset alert”, were beaten by the reigning FCS triple-champion North Dakota State Golden Bison...not just narrowly, but by almost three touchdowns…at home!! The Purple Persians can relate. They were beaten 24-21 last year by those same Golden Bison. Dust Devils return 10 on offense but just half as many on D. ‘Cats have been money-makers for their backers the last three seasons and have won 7 of 8 games following an ugly first half of 2013…

San Diego State (+15) over #21 NORTH CAROLINA: Tarheels 27 Aztecs 20

East Carolina (+16 ½) over #22 SOUTH CAROLINA: Poultry’s youth on defense showed badly in outright loss to A&M last week (and maybe…just maybe…the Ol’ Ball-Coach won’t give the Pirates any disparaging sound-bites). SC RB Davis is doubtful fer this game. Can’t quite pull the upset trigger on ECU squad that’s been poor in road-dog mode, but points look worthy…KFC 34 Arrrrgh! 27

SC State @ #23 CLEMSON: No line.

TOLEDO (+4 ½) over #24 Missouri: UPSET PICK OF DA’ WEEK #2. Rockets 31 Tigers 27

Murray State @ #25 LOUISVILLE: No line.

BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS

Apparently, the volume of penalty-flags thrown for pass interference and defensive holding under the new regulations was so numerous during the NFL exhibition season that cheerleaders on both sidelines of any given game were seen sewing quilts with the yellow hankies at halftime! Come to think of it, referees who watched too much of da’ World Cup coverage were awarding penalty-kicks for defensive infractions occurring inside da’ tackle-box!

Having already suffered the egging of his truck last year in the wake of a lost game (BTW, Justin Bieber could not be reached for comment) and having his wheels set ablaze, possibly intentionally, ahead of last Saturday’s game at Auburn, Arkansas QB Brandon Allen was seen this week driving a tank acquired from the Fayetteville  National Guard!

Replying to a media question about UNLV-to-Arizona transfer Adonis Smith providing some intel about the Rebels to his new team prior to their season openers in Tucson, UNLV coach Bobby Hauck quipped, ”You are inferring that he was paying attention while he was here.” Given the Wildcats’ 58-13 victory, apparently, yes…yes, he was!

Eastern Michigan players struggled, while wielding sledgehammers, to knock down a concrete wall to get to their sideline in their opener last Saturday. “Mr. Gabriel…Mr. Peter Gabriel…to the white courtesy-phone, please!” We think there’s a Miley Cyrus Wreckin’ Ball parody comin’! On top of it, Eagles squeaked past AA Morgan State 31-28. Will enlist Kool-Aid to lead them onto the field this week! Might help bolster attendance too!

New signage in the Michigan State Spartans’ locker room misspelled “accurate” after omitting the second “c”. We realize MSU ain’t Harvard, Yale, Duke, Stanford or even Northwestern, but we an’t help but wonder whih Mihigan State uarterbak will line-up under enter and help his team hit the soreboard vs. the Duks this week!

In addition to aforementioned ISU Cyclowns, we put several other teams on upset-alert against their FCS opponents last week. None of those fell outright, though Montana lost just 17-12 at Wyoming and Mizzou pulled away late from South Dakota State. Other final scores of note from Week One include…Bethune-Cookman’s 14-12 win over Florida International, NC State 24-23 over I-A newcomer Ga. Southern, Syracuse 27-26 (in double OT) over Villanova, Central Michigan 20-16 over UT-Chattanooga, South Florida 36-31 over Western Carolina, Iowa 31-23 over Northern Iowa and Texas Tech 42-35 over Central Arkansas!  

This week on Upset Alert…Eastern Washington @ WASHINGTON (No line). The UDUB defense hung on for the last 12 minutes to preserve 17-16 victory for an ineffective Huskies offense at Hawaii. Sled Dogs do return starting quarterback Cyler Miles from suspension fer this one, but still, the E-DUB Eagles are #2 in the FCS Poll this week…

With team captains for Super Bowl 48 at midfield for the start of the game, Joe Namath prematurely tossed the coin. Kudos to referee Terry McCauley for jumping the route and picking off the ceremonial currency before it hit the ground. McCauley subsequently bolted down the left sideline to the end zone, but was ruled outta’ bounds at the five. The officiating crew would, however, go on to score the first of several touchdowns vs. the Broncos.

During the Sochi Games, snowboard athletes complained about bumpy, deteriorating conditions of the Olympic halfpipe (though competitors from Washington and Colorado noted “a half-pipe is better than no pipe, duuuude”)

Black Shirt: PSU kicker Sam Fickin for his last-second FG in Ireland, leading to the alma-mater’s win and cover over Central Florida…and one of Vindy’s “best bet” dubyas!

“Wish I Had That One Back”: We wish we had damn-near any selection we made in Week One back, but we specifically said we were “not comfy” layin’ the limber with ‘Bama over West Virginia!

“Locked in a Box?”: We open 1-0 (1.000) on the year as Ole Miss put the hurt on Boise last Thursday! One of the few highlights of Week One fer us.

Shoppe Talk: The Gamecocks (0-1 season, 3-9, .250 skid back to last year) host the season-opening of Ye Olde Taxidermy Shoppe…not only failing to cover -10 ½ vs. A&M, but having their tail-feathers handed to ‘em by the Aggies Fresno State was actually 1-7 (.125) headin’ into the 2014 campaign and hosed us again to start the year. Last year’s Flame-Throwers…‘Bama, Oklahoma, Clemson… also hit us (but so did damn-near everybody on the slate last week!)

Vindy’s Week 2 Best Bets:       Last Week: 1-3        Season: 1-3 (.250)

JOJA’ STATE -1 over New Mexico State, NORTHWESTERN -7 over Northern Illinois, Akron +14 over PENN STATE, Colorado State +11 over BOISE STATE

 

 

Vindy's Picks Week 1-2014

SCHOOL DEBUTS NEW MINOR, TEAMS…NEW DEFENSE

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (UPI)…UNLV will roll out a minor in drones this Fall…shortly thereafter, the Rebels football and basketball teams will unveil innovative unmanned-to-man defenses (sponsored, of course, by Amazon, who has made commercial-use of the flying machines). The official name of the course-of-study is Unmanned Autonomous Systems or UAS, or what folks in the southeastern part of the nation know as…University of Alabama-Samford!

In related news, the home-town Rebels initially failed to meet minimum APR standards and drew a conference post-season ban for 2014, achieving score of 925 across a four-year average, short of the minimum of 930. It appears the classrooms were unmanned as well! The resulting penalties included five days of football-related activities rather than six, but additional academic time focused on drones and unmanned-to-man D! Apparently, the FAA has no jurisdiction over indoor flights, so the Rebels hoops teams have free-reign when it comes to drone-flights inside da’ Thomas & Mack (which will also deliver beer and pretzels to patrons!)

Elsewhere in the gambling mecca of da’ world…after spending the last several months figuring out how to conduct the opening Bitcoin toss, your humble narrator races outta’ da’ tunnel followed by his 2014 Preseason Forecasting Strategy team of Charlie Sheen fiancée Brett Rossi, a litter of Doberhuahuas, “Adele Dazeem”, NFL prospect Adam Muema, Vladimir Putin, “right hand arm” V. Stiviano, Michael Sam, Belmont-winning racehorse Tonalist, former VA Secretary Eric Shinseki, former Uruguay striker Luis Suarez, Rocket Raccoon and Little Leaguer Mo’Ne Davis …who throws out the ceremonial first pick of…

THE WEBER KID’S 2014 WEEK 1 FORECAST

(Gettin’ egged more than Justin Bieber’s neighbor’s house)

THURS. AUG. 28

#9 SOUTH CAROLINA (-10 ½) over #21 Texas A&M: Johnny Football is gone (and now annoying NFL teams by flashin’ the “We’re Number One”-sign with the wrong finger). Gamecocks lost their long-time man-at-the-helm in QB Connor Shaw, but Dylan Thompson won three games in three tries in Shaw’s absence last season. Aggies are young at the skills and our only concern is the bulletin-board material the Ol’ Ball-Coach provided during the summer, basically saying that the Aggies’ previous opponents haven’t graduated yet from the kiddies’ table… Fightin’ Fowl 29 A&M 16

#18 Mississippi (-10) over Boise State (@ Atlanta, GA): LOCK OF DA’ WEEK. Rebels 37 Boise 17

Weber State @ #19 ARIZONA STATE: No line.  

FRI. AUG. 29

Jacksonville State @ #8 MICHIGAN STATE: No line.

SAT. AUG. 30

#1 Florida State (-17 ½) over Oklahoma State (@ Arlington, TX): We considered this one for lock of da’ week. ‘Noles lost some serious bodies from the national championship team that got by Boston College and Auburn, while devastating everybody else on the 2013 schedule, but are the trendy pick to at least make Division I-A’s first Final Four. We’re ain’t bettin’ on a repeat, but the Cowpokes are rebuilding both sides and unless Jameis Winston gets tossed in da’ pokey the night before the game, we’re drinking the Kool-Aid this week. Winston said he wanted to be “viewed like Peyton Manning”….remind us again…the Hall of Fame QB got arrested for shopliftin’ crab legs and crawfish …ummmm…when ??!!...FSU 42 OKSU 10

#2 Alabama (-27) over West Virginia (@ Atlanta, GA): In all honesty…we’re not comfy with this choice, making it our inaugural 2014 best guess for “wish I had it back” selection. Tide’s been hittin’ the ATS board at paltry 13-12 pace over the previous two seasons, though the last time ‘Bama was on the wrong side of the spread to open the year was 2006 vs. Hawaii. Across the field, the Mounties hope to rebound from a dismal youth-and-health-hampered 2013 that saw WVU cover just three games in eleven chances. The story will be the performance of QB Jake Coker, a Florida State transfer, for Alabama, who won’t even be starting. But with Elephants relying on solid  running game, heavy D and special teams …and ‘Eers still learning to shave…and Nick Satan unhappy with Tide’s outright defeats in two of final three games last season…Alabama 37 WVU 6

South Dakota @ #3 OREGON: No line.

#4 OKLAHOMA (-37 ½) over Louisiana Tech: Sooners 54 LT 13

Navy (+14 ½) over #5 Ohio State (@ Baltimore, MD): We were all over da’ Middies inside double-digits long-before Buckeyes QB Braxton Miller got sent to da’ pine fer da’ duration with a throwin’-shoulder ouchie. State hasn’t faced the Navy option-game since ’09. That means none of the current State players have faced the option (at Division I-A level). There’s even been suggestion of a Sailors’ upset at this point. Urban Meyer’s in his 3^rd year at the OSU helm and he’ll adjust, so we ain’t callin’ for an outright Navy victory, but we figure it’ll grind out a cover …Buckeyes 23 Da’ Fleet 17

Arkansas (+21) over #6 AUBURN: Razorbacks ended last year with nine consecutive defeats after winning their first three and have been lousy as road dogs. They do have a senior-laden defense. Despite the partial-game suspension of Auburn’s starting QB Marshall for marijuana possession and a window-tint violation (?!)…in Georgia for this one, they’ll need the D to stay close enough to cover here. As BCS Title Game runner-up, the Tigers became the first team in eight seasons to cough up a national title to someone outside the conference …a fact that got War Eagle teased mercilessly by the other SEC squads…Tigers 37 Bacon 19

#7 Ucla (-21) over VIRGINIA: Cavs look to rebound from horrible 2013 that saw just two straight-up victories (both in September and one vs. AA Virginia Military Institute). That’ll be tough to pull off this week against a veteran UCLA team led by now third-year coach Jim Mora Jr. Bruins have been strong ATS in the early part of the season under Mora, opening 4-1 in 2012 and 5-0 last year (though they saw only two spreads this big during that time)…UCLA 44 Virginia 17

UC Davis @ #11 STANFORD: No line.

#16 Clemson (+7 ½) over #12 GEORGIA: Injury-hampered Dawgs still averaged 34 points per game last year, but did lose last year’s opener to the Tigers 38-35. We favor an “under” 57 ½ since both lose multi-year quarterbacks and figure to be stout on D. Bulldogs get our nod as one of the mid-range faves (20-1) to win it all next January. In the wake of a disappointing scrimmage on offense earlier this month, UGA coach Mark Richt was quoted as sayin’, “There were just too many guys having to be babysat out there as far as getting lined-up right.”. Can’t wait to see assistant coaches place personalized pacifiers along the line-of-scrimmage on the Dawgs’ first couple of possessions in this one!...UGA 24 Clemson 19

#14 Wisconsin (+5) over #13 Louisiana State (@ Houston, TX): Badgers bring back just three defensive starters and have a JUCO quarterback leading the charge in this one. Bengals just 2-8-1 ATS in last 11 games decided by a touchdown or less, but have covered 7 of last 9 vs. ranked opponents. Fourth time in five years Tigers have kicked-off a year facing a Top 25 team (winning 3, covering 2), while Wisky has opened against the likes of UNLV (twice), Hawaii and Northern Iowa the past four seasons. State is young at the skills and has allowed an increasing number of points-against in each of the previous three campaigns. Best guess for a Top 25 upset, but…LSU 29 Wisconsin 27

Fresno State (+21) over #15 USC: Troy Boys 17 FSU West 0

Rice (+21) over #17 NOTRE DAME: Owls have been solid plays as road dogs and against non-conference teams, while the Leprechauns are under investigation for submitting papers written by…well… somebody other than the players themselves. Everett Golson is back under center for the Irish following a year-long suspension for his own academic falsehoods…ND 31 Owls 21

S.F. Austin @ #20 KANSAS STATE: No line.

Florida Atlantic (+23 ½) over #22 NEBRASKA: Huskers 26 FAU 13

Liberty @ #23 NORTH CAROLINA: No line.

South Dakota State @ #24 MISSOURI: No line.

HAWAII (+16 ½) over #25 Washington: UDUB took heavy hits to its offense and now presumed starter QB Miley Cyrus…er…um…Cyler Miles will be benched for offseason troubles. ‘Bows don’t fare well getting points on the Island, but are 3-0 ATS run vs. Top 25 foes and have covered 7 of last 8 out-of-conference contests. Hawaii’s defense has regressed under Coach Chow, allowing 39 ppg last year (though the team did hit the scoreboard for almost a TD more per game than in 2012). UH AD intimated that the football program is badly in the red and might eventually be headed for the choppin’ block. The players need to enjoy it while they can!...Huskies 27 ‘Bows 12

SUN. AUG. 31

Southern Methodist (+32) over #10 BAYLOR: Young Bears previously covered 11 of 12 home games. The schedule for a run toward the playoffs sets up nicely, with five teams that had losing records last season, including these Ponies, in 2013. Marc Lawrence’s Playbook.Com notes June Jones’ teams are excellent as dogs in seasons after they didn’t make the postseason. SMU had gone bowlin’ four straight times before sittin’ out last year … Baylor 42 SMU 24

BETWEEN THE HASHMARKS

Upon further review, Rebels officials submitted some fuzzy-math, and lo-and-behold…the NCAA provided its blessing over the new academic numbers in late June and lifted the post-season ban, leaving only Idaho as the lone APR victim in Division I-A! BTW, we have a few doubloons on Unlv +24 over ARIZONA!

The NCAA announced a proposal in February to slow down up-tempo offenses by forcing the snap no sooner than 29 seconds left on 40-second play-clock (to allow defenses to substitute and reportedly improve player-safety). In related news, defenses must also allow a subsequent count of “three-Mississippi” before rushing the passer.

Texas A&M coach Kevin Sumlin took a break from practices and let his team take in a movie!...”Frozen”?  “Sharknado”! How ‘bout the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” remake??!!

Just before the Pope’s mid-August arrival in Seoul, the North Koreans were thought to have “test-fired” three missiles into the sea. Two of the launches were confirmed to be military weapons, however further analysis of satellite photos indicated the third projectile was, in fact, the result of a strong-armed high-school quarterback who was simply throwin’ the ball away to avoid a sack!

Week 1 Upset Alert: Don’t be shocked to see outright road victories by any or all of  the following AA clubs against their FBS opponents…North Dakota State over IOWA ST, Eastern Illinois over MINNESOTA, South Dakota St over MIZZOU, Cal Poly over NEW MEXICO ST, Northern Arizona over SAN DIEGO ST and Montana over SAN DIEGO ST!

As we note this time each year, from 1993-2008, at least two teams unranked in the AP preseason poll finished in the Top 10 of the final AP that season. In 2009, only Cincinnati did so and in 2010, only Stanford did so. 2011 saw no qualifiers. But 2012 saw a return-to-form with Notre Dame (#26 preseason) and Texas A&M (no votes in the preseason poll) finishing 4^th and 6^th, respectively, after opening the season without a hashtag by their names. 2013 had four (count ‘em four!) teams make da’ cut…title-game loser #2 Auburn, #3 Michigan State (which was #26 in the opening poll), #5 Mizzou and #10 Central Florida! Your mission…should ya choose to accept it…is to figure out which squad(s) will surprise in a big way for 2014! Our best guess….Northwestern and Marshall!

And upon further review, going back to 2002, at least one team in the AP Preseason Top Ten each season has finished outside the rankings in the final AP poll for that year. Two or more preseason darlings have done so eight times. Georgia and Florida, #5 and #10 respectively to begin 2013, ended up with nary a vote in the poll published following last year’s National Championship game. A closer look reveals that seven of those years saw a minimum of at least one SEC club get the dubious distinction (10 total from that conference over the current skid)…with at least one member of the SEC East falling in four of ‘em (six total from the division)! The Big 12 gets honorable mention, showing four seasons with at least one qualifier. Again, we challenge the loyal readership to predict which teams from among Florida State, ‘Bama, Oregon, Oklahoma, Ohio State, Auburn, UCLA, Michigan State, South Carolina and Baylor will finish in relative obscurity!

Marc Lawrence’s Playbook.Com mag recommends betting on bowl teams from the previous season who drop their first two games SU, then win Game Three outright and play in their own friendly confines during Game Four. The strategy went 2-fer-2 in 2013, with Syracuse (-17 in 52-17 win over Tulane) and Iowa State (+7 in 31-30 loss to Texas) both bringin’ home the money in the designated role! Reviewing the list of 2013-14 post-season squads, Game Four road contests instantly eliminate more than half of last season’s bowlers and  realistically, another half of the remaining teams would need to suffer upsets by one or both of their first two opponents to be considered, putting the feasible number of options in the teens this season. But not-to-worry, faithful readers…we’ll track the progress for you and announce the qualifiers in our forecasts for Weeks Four, Five and Six! Don’t touch that Dial soap!!!

An investigation following its poor outing on da’ rink at the Sochi Games in February revealed that, due to a clerical error, the USOC actually sent its best Olympic “speed-dating” team to Russia!

Did the absence of vuvuzela horns blaring during this year’s World Cup soccer competition lead anybody else out there to think they’d lost some range-of-hearing over the last four years???!!!

“Locked in a Box?”:      Last Season: 6-7 (.462….uggghhh)

Shoppe Talk: We’ll be puttin’ some teams under da’ microscope this season, to include…Oklahoma, who thwarted Vindy’s ATS selection for the Sooners 10 times in 13 tries (.231), Clemson 3-8 (.273) and South Carolina (3-7, .300, despite a forecast win in da’ bowls)

Vindy’s Week 1 Best Bets:       Last Season: 54-35-1 (.607)

Penn State (+1) over Central Florida (@ Dublin, Ireland); NORTHWESTERN (-11) over California, Marshall (-24) over MIAMI-OHIO, Utah State (+6) over TENNESSEE

Next week…More off-season silliness, a famous audible and some thoughts on… da’ NFL!